Tuesday, June 30, 2009

American Faces: Dear Paul Newman

Because he was from Ohio.
Because he was very nearly a goddamn Saint.
Because his kids loved him and were proud of him.
Because no one had anything bad to say about him.
Because of the milions of dollars that his company donated to charity, while making all-natural, healthful products.
Because he was a long-time vegetarian.
Because I've seen Cool Hand Luke so many damn times, I have the lines memorized.
Because he funded camps for kids with cancer and was still humble enough to cut the grass at the camp.
Because he had a solid and loving long-time marriage and adored his wife, who he loved to say ruled their roost.
Because he had one of my all-time favorite faces and was as beautiful on the inside as he was on the outside.
And finally, because he is Sarcastic Bastard's Most Admired Actor poll winner, beating out such stiff competition as Clint Eastwood and Johnny Depp.
He sure as hell had my vote.

Not Much to Grumble About Today Except Nick Abandoning My Sorrowful Ass

It's fairly cool weather here in Buttfuck, Ohio, today. And, for once, I really have nothing I am angry about and nothing to be grouchy about (actually SB feels pretty good, and I have a full wine rack and a full fridge full of gourmet goodies), so not much to post. I am a tortured artist type, and my output is only good when I am either peeved or saddened, which lucky for you readers, is normally every damn day. Things are unnaturally mellow here today in Bastardland. It's a strange and humbling experience por moi.

One small thing to grumble about--my homeboy Nick of Put the Lotion in the Basket--is selfishly on vacay to sunny Spain for the next few weeks, and he and I e-mail nearly daily, and I consider him totally a member of my famdamily, so if I think about missing Nick, I may get the SADS and worked up enough to write something of worth. But, for this shining moment, I am practicing focusing on the bright side--that my darling Nick is going to have a grand time, and so I should be an unselfish friend and just be a happy motherfucker for him. Okay, that will last maybe an hour.

I MISS NICK GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NICK COME HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stonewall Inn Riots Anniversary Post

There is an excellent post written by Downtown Guy on the Stonewall Inn riots. Downtown Guy is an excellent writer, like his mama, who is my good friend, Ms. Moon. Her blog, Bless Our Hearts, is one I read daily. The link to Bless Our Hearts can be found on the right side of this page.

Highly recommended reading. Link to post at TallyHassle: http://tallyhassle.blogspot.com/2009/06/faggots-bulldaggers-queens-and-queers.html

Monday, June 29, 2009

Harvey Photo of the Week (for Nick)

Ah, happier times. . . This shit brings tears to SB's myopic (and very nearly blind) eyes. Harvey needs his damn daddy!

Clearly, Princess Tiamimimimimimimi is oblivious to the camera (unlike her whore of a mother) and is having nappy time. No, SB kids. I actually like Jordan/Katie Price. Her ass is HIGH entertainment now that my beautiful angel Anna Nicole has passed on to that great pink diamante-encrusted heaven in the sky. How could you not like somebody who bought her poor meth addict cousin a brand new set of teefs TWICE? Anna was a good person, who happened to like Strawberry Quik A WHOLE LOT, and I miss her goddammit.

Side Note (shit like this keeps me up at night--it's hard having a genius-level mind--you can't turn it off): I wonder if Sugar Pie is still alive. Help a bitch get some sleep--if you know the answer to this question--leave it in the comments.

The Jackson 3 (featuring Blanket)

After what I just posted about Michael Jackson, I read the entry (excerpted below) over at the sublime Dlisted. It made me laugh so hard, I had to share it. Link to full story below excerpt.

[excerpt from Dlisted]
In related news, Michael Jackson's mother Katherine has just been given temporary guardianship of his three children. She filed papers in L.A. this morning saying she is their paternal memaw and that they are living with her right now. Katharine is also asking for guardianship over the kids' estates.

There will be a petition hearing on August 3rd. August 3rd will also be the date that Joe Jackson debuts his new pop supergroup THE JACKSON 3 featuring Blanket, Paris and Prince Michael. You know it's true.

Link to full entry at Dlisted: http://dlisted.com/node/32733

An Old Indian Custom that Some Motherfuckers Need to Embrace

There is an old American Indian custom (don't ask me what damn tribe because I don't know) that when a person dies, it is respectful not to speak of them AT ALL. Not bad remembrances. Not good remembrances. No words. I think that custom is lovely for a number of reasons, and I think the folks around Michael Jackson and the press ought to learn from it.

I frankly don't want to hear anymore speculation about Mike's marriage to Lisa Marie or the children who stayed with him at Neverland Ranch or how much dough Mike's shiftless family members (not all of them, but some of them) are trying to get their greedy grubby hands on. I also don't want to hear anymore about possible prescription drug abuse. It's all over. Michael is dead, and nobody forced the pills down his gullet. That's the way he chose to live, and there are consequences for the decisions we make in life.

Now some people are probably going to get angry with me for saying this, but I don't give a flying fuck. Mike's private life was between him and God. Nobody else. And I personally don't care to make any judgements about what I don't know. It isn't my damn business or yours or those fuckers over at FOX News (especially Bill O'Reilly).

The issue of the children at Neverland will bring the damn do-gooder idiots out of the woodwork in righteous indignation, but the people who should have been concerned about the welfare of the children (whatever happened) are the damn parents of the children who visited Neverland. It was first and foremost their responsibility. I know my mom and dad never would have let SB's amusement-park loving ass go unaccompanied to Neverland Ranch. NO WAY. NO HOW.

I just wish that the press and MJ's famdamily would embrace the wise old Indian custom and shut the fuck up about Michael's life. It just makes them all look base and cruel to speak about what they don't know for sure. It's indecent and cowardly because Mr. Jackson can't defend himself.

I just pray that Michael is finally at peace somewhere. Wherever. And that's all I personally have to say on the subject. And now, I'm going to let it, and Michael, rest. Poor soul.

If You Can't Have Fun with Tiki Torches, There Is Something Wrong with You

Dear Peeps,

Reading all of your comments cheered me the fuck up, and I had a nice, but very-busy-with-visitors, weekend. Thanks for all of your sweet, funny comments! I love my damn peeps! So first, a damn thank you.

At some point during the busy weekend, I was telling the Moms that I was married and lived in a home with a family and am WAY less lonely now, living alone. How's that shit for irony? My married family (each and every member) even visited me over the weekend. I had quality time, talking with EACH and EVERY one of them. We weren't watching TV. Nobody was on a laptop or DAMN cell phone. Wow.

In fact, my ass had so many visitors over the weekend, I was looking forward to Sunday afternoon, after everybody left, for some quiet downtime, but then my stepdaughter phoned and wanted to come see Ginger and my new place. She didn't stay long, and after she left, I ran a short errand and had settled in for the early evening, when the kids (with 3 kids of their own) next door, came home and asked me to come outside on the shared deck and drink a beer with them.

So, of course, I went, because it involved cold beer and young pretty company, and SB is a vampire like that, and by the time I got inside, it was nearly bed time. Oh well. It was fun. The kids (with kids) had tiki torches, goddamnit. There is something wrong with you if you can't have fun around tiki torches! Trust me. And if nobody gets their damn hair singed, then it wasn't a good time. And if SB doesn't teach you motherfuckers another damn thing, let it be that.

The kids (of the grown kids) were running all around the tiki torches, and the kid-parents weren't even concerned. God bless them. One of the tikis was even perilously close to the wall of our shared dwelling place. Fuck it. It was a good time!

Then, after I went inside the house, I realized the kid-parents are even older than the Moms was, when she plunked my ungrateful squalling ass out. Jesus. SB is an old motherfucker. OLD.

This coming weekend will be a four-day weekend for my ass, and I am planning to hide out a little. Just a little. I needs ma downtime, people. It ain't easy being me. It's a fucking full-time job.

Friday, June 26, 2009

The Farrah Wig

SB is thinking about getting this shit and wearing it in honor of Farrah. I'd look good in this shit! All the mens would be after my ass.

Mike Is Dead and I'm Not Feeling So Well Myself

SB is hungover and very down this morning. My dear Aunt Carol wisely used to call the days after the BIG drink, self-hater days.

Mike is dead, I am divorcing a good friend that I spent a lot of my life with, the cows in the field I pass on the way into work have their ears tagged this morning (I assume this means they are about to be sold and shipped, and yes, I am a total fucking hypocrite because I eat meat) and SB is fat, old, and tired. Mike's death just reminds me of how old I really am. If it could happen to him, it could happen to me. Anytime. If you are looking for humor today, you will not find it here.

Ironically, on the way into work this morning, I was playing my new Red House Painters CD, and there was a remake of John Denver's Sorry on it. Perfect. Yes, I am feeling sorry for myself. When I walked into work this morning, I actually had a tear sliding down my cheek. How embarrassing. I just let that sucker roll.

In a recent interview, the philosopher Johnny Depp (and I am not kidding when I say this and I am also paraphrasing) asked where is my generation's Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. Well Johnny, he died unexpectedly yesterday. That's my answer, and as I remind you, I am not joking. Not one iota. You, dear readers, can beg to differ. That's your prerogative. I don't give a good goddamn.

Any negative comments about Mike will not be posted.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

God Speed and God Bless


Gay Exorcism

Like I said before, we are STILL living in the Dark Ages. Just when I think my countrymen can't get any more moronic . . . their dumb asses go and prove they can.

Don't look at me--I'm French (at least my soul is). I should watch talking about my soul--these motherfuckers will want to exorcise me next.


Of Course Johnny Depp Is a Good Tipper

His mother, Betty, was a waitress.

Link to story: http://icydk.com/2009/06/24/johnny-depp-is-a-good-tipper-2/

Lahoma REALLY Loves Her Fritos!

This ho loves Frito's products A WHOLE DAMN LOT. I love ranch-flavoured Dorritos, myself. And also Klondike bars. Do you remember that commercial slogan--what would you do for a Klondike bar? Well, SB thought about it, and on a hot day, I'd fuck the garbage man for a Klondike. So I can sort of relate to Lahoma's broke ass.

I think it would be a good corporate move for Frito Lay to pay Lahoma's damn bail. Don't you? They also ought to throw in a lifetime supply of Fritos. That might keep Lahoma's ass on the straight and narrow. Obviously, she's an addict.

Link to Dlisted story of some Frito lovin: http://dlisted.com/node/32680

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

10 People that Make Me Want to Put a Shotgun to My Noggin

1) Jon and Kate and their fucking eight

Prediction: Kate's ass is a lesbian, and that bitch just needs to face the music and embrace her sexuality. Also, she's got a weasel camped out on her head.

Jon is going to hook up with some blond 20-year-old bimbo and try to get the kids to call her Mama.

Watch and see. SB has some psycho abilities. I meant psychic abilities.

More Orit Fox

I'm thinking about starting an Orit Fox fan club. That ho is scary! Maybe Tommy Lee would want to date her.

When You've Got a Double Chin, Maybe It's Time to Knock that Satan-y Shit Off

Bitch could use some Covergirl long-lasting lipwear. I'm just saying.

What the Fug?

What in the Sam hell is this dumb bitch wearing? Doesn't she have a damn stylist? You can't tell me the Mac guy finds this shit alluring. The pants are enough to blind a motherfucker.

I Thought this Shit Was a Real Doll

SB thought this shit was a real doll, but actually it is a real person named Orit Fox. She is some sort of actress from Israel. Jesus H. Talk about too much plastic surgery. Also, this ho has way too much lip liner on. I hate to see a woman's lip liner stand out. You are supposed to match that shit to the damn lipstick shade. That's the whole point.

Bitch went overboard with the lip collagen. I could use those lips for a damn pillow at night.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Scary Jesus: Bloody Jeez

This post is for my fucking warped Catholic sister-in-law, who's probably up to her ass in boxes right now, preparing to move. Her ass probably isn't even looking at my blog lately, but I can't be phoning motherfuckers up all across the country, informing them that there is damn post dedicated to them. If you don't read, people, your ass just misses out.

Anyhoo, this particular Scary Jesus looks like it would take an entire box of maxi-pads to staunch his flow, if you know what I mean. Fucker's a righteous damn mess.

Photo of the Damn Day

Uhhhhhhmmmmmmmmm, okay. Can you say UNCOMFORTABLE? The daddy has more chest hair than my Aunt Frieda. That ho is hirsute, motherfuckers.


SB's favorite new show is Kendra on E!. Kendra is dumber than hell, and I really love her. I was watching an episode last night where she visits a space alien museum, fittingly, in Roswell, and Kendra's ass thought the damn space alien mannequin was cute. The little fucker was anything but cute. Trust me. Her fiance, Hank, said, "Cute? How is that cute?" That shit made me laugh.

Anyhoo, SB got to thinking about space aliens, and my ass didn't feel nearly as positive as Kendra about meeting a damn alien. You know that SB's ass is sort of negative, so I just assume that if space aliens beam down or some shit, those motherfuckers are only visiting to come and eat our brains. And that shit is anything but cute. I don't need some damn space alien eating my brains. Alcohol has already claimed its fair share of brain cells. Know what I mean, motherfuckers?

If you haven't seen Kendra yet, check it out. It's good quality mindless entertainment, peeps.

I Can't Believe He Said that Word

SB was watching an old episode of Iconoclasts last night with Sean Penn and Jon Krakauer. I had to rewind the motherfucker to be sure Sean said the word "signage." I hate that fucking word, and he did say that shit. And maybe somebody ought to take his damn cool card away from him.

Signage, my ass.

Friday, June 19, 2009

This Ho Needs to Put a Damn Titsling On

Brit tits definitely hang low, and bitch can tie them in a knot, or bitch can tie them in a bow! As they said on The Real Housewives (where I get all my important life advice, may I add), after a certain age, a woman needs to wear a damn bra! Apparently that age has come early for Brit-Brit.

That shit points down, motherfuckers! That's just plain unnatural.

Link to Ms. Moon's Excellent Post on Bigotry and the Issue of Gay Marriage

Ms. Moon has one of the best blogs I have ever read. I read her daily, and she nourishes my sorry soul. She makes me a little gladder to be alive and a whole lot happier to know that good decent sensible people like her exist. In short, I love her. I think her post today will illustrate why pretty damn clearly.

Link to Bless Our Hearts: http://blessourhearts.blogspot.com/2009/06/bigot-is-bigot-is-bigot-even-if-hes.html

Conversation with the Moms

[Scene: SB is getting ready to pump gas, and the dumb bitch sitting in the car next to her is smoking a cig.]

the Moms: That lady is smoking, and you are about to pump gas.

SB: I wish that ho would stamp that shit out. I don't want to wind up like Chase No Face.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Photo of the Damn Day

Jesus, Joseph, & Mary. They now do people face transplants. Can't they do something about this shit and get poor Chase a damn face? Help a bitch out.

Imagine seeing this shit staring back at you in the middle of the damn night. I guess that is uncompassionate of me. Oh well. Get over that shit. I'm not Mother Damn Theresa. That ho was a virgin.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

One of the Most Ridiculous Things SB Has EVER Seen!

Can you tell me why this Web site is necessary--no NOT mine--the one I am linking to below, you smart-ass motherfuckers. Of course, I am going to have to become a regular reader of Chase No Face now, people! I am also compelled to watch freak nights on Discovery, when they show stuff like The Baby Born with Nine Arms and The World's Fattest Man or shows about guys with Elephantitis of the nuts. I love those shows! They fascinate me in a kind of We Who Are Not as Others way.

Anyhoo, the site linked below is so fucking RIDICULOUS (did I mention it's RIDICULOUS?) that it completely shocked me out of my bad mood, and I can't stop smiling now.

WARNING: The pictures are disturbing on SO MANY LEVELS! Of course, I had to share.

Link to the RIDICULOUS: http://chasenoface.blogspot.com/

I'm Posting to Say I Will Not Be Posting Today

My ass is crabby today. I have been staying up FAR TOO LATE watching the shows I've recorded on the new DVR. Also, I've been having a spicy Bloody Mary or two or three and that makes my ass even tireder. I made up a word. So there. I'm an English major and an editor, but I'm not anal about proper language usage. Fuck it. Sometimes made-up words pack more punch.

Anyhoo, I'm posting to say I'm not posting today, motherfuckers. The rain will not quit here in Buttfuck, Ohio, and I am just mean as hell today. If I don't get some damn sunshine soon, I'm going to kill somebody--perhaps the dumb sonofabitch in the white Toyota, who didn't bother to stop and take his fucking turn at the 4-way stop on my way into work this morning. Then, when I put my hands up in whatthefuck'sthematterwithyou despair, the jerk-off asshole cocksucking motherfucker had the temerity to wave happily at me. The fucker was just giddy with glee! I didn't say you could go, you dumb motherfucker. Your dumb ass just took the liberty. Fuck you, white Toyota selfish motherfucking asshole with a pin dick guy!

Can you motherfuckers tell that SB would not be good company today? Your asses are lucky you readers are not my co-workers, family, or neighbours today. Count your damn blessings!

Monday, June 15, 2009

The Niceness that Is Hugh Jackman

The below info is from the NY Post today. I am merely sharing this info to illustrate what a nice guy Hugh Jackman is (and also my blog ratings go WAY UP whenever I post about Hugh, but that's merely incidental).

WHICH reporter with a history of substance abuse was hammered at a benefit at Cipriani 42nd Street the other night? The unsteady scribe stumbled over Hugh Jackman as they were exiting and the gallant Aussie helped him out the door.

Of course Hugh helped the fucking lush, because Hugh is a good, decent guy. And if you want the womens to like you, being a gentleman definitely helps.

Side Note: Also looking like a damn Adonis fucking well helps. And also, Hugh can tap dance like a motherfucker. That doesn't hurt either. Chicks dig guys who can cut a rug.

The WTF? Story of the Day

Uhhhhmmmmmm, okay. Now, I've heard it all.

Danielle Pilot (16) died from stress of caring for a computerized doll for a school assignment

A British student died from a rare heart condition after becoming stressed while looking after a baby doll. Danielle Pilot, 16, was tasked with caring for after the model infant as part of an assignment at Sussex's Northbrook College. But she became highly distressed and exhausted after caring for the doll for just 12 hours.

After reportedly being woken every hour during a tormented night's sleep, Danielle slipped into unconsciousness and died just hours after returning the doll to her child development tutors in December last year. The simulators are fitted with internal computers that make the baby "cry" at random intervals to give teens an early taste of parenthood.

Father David Pilot told his daughter's inquest that Danielle appeared "pale" and suffered from a racing pulse after caring for the baby. "It was very, very stressful and in the morning she looked like a new mum herself," The Sun reported Mr Pilot as saying at the hearing. "I question whether someone with her heart condition should have been given one of these virtual babies." But the inquest also heard that Danielle's condition meant she could have died at any moment.

An autopsy showed that her heart muscle had thickened due to her condition. "Stress and anxiety from the baby are factors that could have worsened her condition but it would be speculative to say it was a definite cause of the events that happened the following morning," Dr Elijah Behr said. The cause of death was officially recorded as natural causes stemming from a heart irregularity known as arrhythmia.

SB Is a Busy Motherfucker and Rupert Done Went and Fucked Up His Face

[Impressive difference, my ass. Different person, more like. And could they have found a more unflattering before photo?]

Sorry about the lack of posts of late, peeps. SB's ass is busy with annual software releases here at work and busy getting settled in the new place. My ass finally got phone service yesterday.

Two Thoughts from the Weekend:

Graham Norton is my favorite chat show host EVER. I adore him. I recorded his whole season and watched the episodes back to back. What fun!

Rupert Everett, who I also adore, really fucked his face up with that surgery. I think I would have passed his fine ass in the street and not recognized him. Jesus H. I liked Rupe's old face just fine. His face is so damn tight now, post-surgery, that he grimaces. Motherfucker can't even smile normally. Why can't people just age with some damn dignity and grace? Is that shit too much to ask?

Friday, June 12, 2009

THANK GOD It's Friday, Motherfuckers!

It's been a strange day, people. My ass put together a features list for one of our software packages here at worky and sent it off for review, only to discover I'd used the wrong master list to compose the motherfucker from. Nothing like doing a dull job twice!

When I went home for luncheon, my lovely new housewarming gift to myself (a beautiful red Gerber daisy in a pot) was spilled all over my new carpet. Thank you Diarrhetic Wunderkind for getting excited at the noisy motherfuckers next door and knocking the damn pot off the windowsill. I think the fucking daisy will survive, but it's not too pretty a damn sight right now. Fucking canine!

Also at lunch, Mercer threw up all over my bathroom floor. At least it was on the tile, but still. It's that sort of damn day, peeps.

I sent out a news announcement for work after lunch, and the font size was nearly microscopic, due to software incompatibility. I asked our lead sales guy how bad the customers wanted the information. Motherfuckers are going to have to work for that shit right there!

Going home in about a half hour to drink myself into a stupor and to paint a bookshelf. Damn shelf is supposed to be white. That shit might wind up psychedelic with some glitter sprinkled on it for that special SB touch! LOOK OUT. And no-- sorry--I am not going into the retail furniture business. I know all you motherfuckers would like to buy a work of art/piece of GENUINE decor from SB, but I already gots my ass a job and a puking disdainful cat and a diarrhetic motherfucking canine who knocks over plants. I am not taking furniture orders anytime soon.

Catch you on the flip side, puppies! Have a glittery weekend.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

10 Things SB Loves

1) Mercer & Ginger

2) My beloved motherfuckers (regular readers) here at Sarcastic Bastard

3) The Georgia Bulldogs (Go Dawgs!)

4) My parents and family

5) Ethiopian, Jamaican, and Kenyan coffee

6) Red, red, wine!

7) My high-def DVR

8) Elton John's older music

9) Savannah, Georgia

10) Tybee Island

What do y'all love?

Ohio is National News AGAIN

Ohio is national news again, people, and ain't we proud? No, it's not for blowing another election for the good guys (Democrats). This time, it's some damn transvestite who needs fashion help IN A BAD WAY. Kev doesn't look bad in a woman's bathing suit, but the damn work boots spoil the whole look. Can you say fashion crime? Where's Bobby Trendy's ass when you need him?

Link to fashion fuckery film clip at Dlisted: http://dlisted.com/node/32443

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

10 Things SB Hates

Why is it SO much damn easier to think of a list of 10 things I hate, rather than 10 things I love? Does this say some shit about me, like SB is a hater or something? Whatever. Feel free to put 10 of your own in the comments section, and don't steal mine people, because that shit's cheating, and you damn well know it.

1) Rush Limbaugh (moron)

2) George W. Bush (dolt)

3) peas

4) Dick Cheney (Mr. Potter)

5) animal abusers

6) evangelical Christians

7) snakes

8) mornings

9) cell phones and the dipshit motherfuckers that drive while talking on them

10) chatty motherfuckers

Bitch is Fug!

Monday, June 8, 2009

I Have Cable, Motherfuckers!

Not only that, my ass has a high-def DVR! Can I hear a round of applause? Now, that shit's magic! I am actually IN LOVE with my TV currently. I do not jest. If I could fuck it, I would. Truly.

SB also went out, when she was semi-tanked on beer over the weekend, and got her nose pierced. It's my personal rebellion, man. The husband didn't like pierced noses, and my ass watched SO DAMN MUCH TV, he didn't want to fork out for a DVR either. SO NOW I AM JUST IN HOG HEAVEN!

I even added The Sundance Channel today. I upgraded, as they say in cable speak, mofos. How could I have a DVR and not get The Sundance Channel or LOGO? Now, I have both, and I can watch documentaries on transexuals and shit. Did I ever tell you SB loves the transexuals? Well, not literally. It's just that a lot of transexuals are so brutally honest, I just dig them. I also admire transexuals because I think they are tremendously brave people.

This is a tranny-friendly page, motherfuckerrs! If you don't like it, go read the Anita Bryant fan page or some shit. May she and her ignorant Miss America ass rot!

Friday, June 5, 2009

American Faces: Clint Eastwood

Clint Eastwood is one of my favorite American Faces because I love him more and more with each movie. Because I can't remember a time that I wasn't familiar with his wonderful face, which I adore more as it ages. Because he was a gun-toting tough guy all the conservative men in my family loved and because he grew older and renounced that very image by illustrating how senseless violence is in his films. Because he once said in an interview, "I like the libertarian view, which is to leave everyone alone. And when asked about gay marriage, replied: "From a libertarian point of view, you would say, 'Yeah? So what?' You have to believe in total equality. People should be able to be what they want to be and do what they want -- as long as they're not harming people." Because he's Morgan Freeman's hero and he is also mine.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Reason I Voted for Him

Below are some excerpts from President Barack Obama's speech in Egypt. I am indebted to him for what he is trying to accomplish. It's been a long time since I've had any pride in the person who leads our country. I am genuinely hopeful.

I have come here to seek a new beginning between the United States and Muslims around the world; one based upon mutual interest and mutual respect; and one based upon the truth that America and Islam are not exclusive, and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles - principles of justice and progress; tolerance and the dignity of all human beings.

I do so recognizing that change cannot happen overnight. No single speech can eradicate years of mistrust, nor can I answer in the time that I have all the complex questions that brought us to this point. But I am convinced that in order to move forward, we must say openly the things we hold in our hearts, and that too often are said only behind closed doors. There must be a sustained effort to listen to each other; to learn from each other; to respect one another; and to seek common ground. As the Holy Koran tells us, "Be conscious of God and speak always the truth." That is what I will try to do - to speak the truth as best I can, humbled by the task before us, and firm in my belief that the interests we share as human beings are far more powerful than the forces that drive us apart.

Part of this conviction is rooted in my own experience. I am a Christian, but my father came from a Kenyan family that includes generations of Muslims. As a boy, I spent several years in Indonesia and heard the call of the azaan at the break of dawn and the fall of dusk. As a young man, I worked in Chicago communities where many found dignity and peace in their Muslim faith.
As a student of history, I also know civilization's debt to Islam. It was Islam - at places like Al-Azhar University - that carried the light of learning through so many centuries, paving the way for Europe's Renaissance and Enlightenment. It was innovation in Muslim communities that developed the order of algebra; our magnetic compass and tools of navigation; our mastery of pens and printing; our understanding of how disease spreads and how it can be healed. Islamic culture has given us majestic arches and soaring spires; timeless poetry and cherished music; elegant calligraphy and places of peaceful contemplation. And throughout history, Islam has demonstrated through words and deeds the possibilities of religious tolerance and racial equality.

Just as Muslims do not fit a crude stereotype, America is not the crude stereotype of a self-interested empire. The United States has been one of the greatest sources of progress that the world has ever known. We were born out of revolution against an empire. We were founded upon the ideal that all are created equal, and we have shed blood and struggled for centuries to give meaning to those words - within our borders, and around the world. We are shaped by every culture, drawn from every end of the Earth, and dedicated to a simple concept: E pluribus unum: "Out of many, one."

Much has been made of the fact that an African-American with the name Barack Hussein Obama could be elected President. But my personal story is not so unique. The dream of opportunity for all people has not come true for everyone in America, but its promise exists for all who come to our shores - that includes nearly seven million American Muslims in our country today who enjoy incomes and education that are higher than average.

Moreover, freedom in America is indivisible from the freedom to practice one's religion. That is why there is a mosque in every state of our union, and over 1,200 mosques within our borders. That is why the U.S. government has gone to court to protect the right of women and girls to wear the hijab, and to punish those who would deny it.

So let there be no doubt: Islam is a part of America. And I believe that America holds within her the truth that regardless of race, religion, or station in life, all of us share common aspirations - to live in peace and security; to get an education and to work with dignity; to love our families, our communities, and our God. These things we share. This is the hope of all humanity.

All of us share this world for but a brief moment in time. The question is whether we spend that time focused on what pushes us apart, or whether we commit ourselves to an effort - a sustained effort - to find common ground, to focus on the future we seek for our children, and to respect the dignity of all human beings.

It is easier to start wars than to end them. It is easier to blame others than to look inward; to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. There is also one rule that lies at the heart of every religion - that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. This truth transcends nations and peoples - a belief that isn't new; that isn't black or white or brown; that isn't Christian, or Muslim or Jew. It's a belief that pulsed in the cradle of civilization, and that still beats in the heart of billions. It's a faith in other people, and it's what brought me here today.

We have the power to make the world we seek, but only if we have the courage to make a new beginning, keeping in mind what has been written.

The Holy Koran tells us, "O mankind! We have created you male and a female; and we have made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another."

The Talmud tells us: "The whole of the Torah is for the purpose of promoting peace."

The Holy Bible tells us, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."

The people of the world can live together in peace. We know that is God's vision. Now, that must be our work here on Earth. Thank you. And may God's peace be upon you.

Conversation with the Moms

SB: Right now, I'd be willing to let the Cable Guy buttfuck me if it would get me some damn television service!

the Moms: I'm so proud of you.

Quote of the Damn Day: Johnny Depp

The quote below is from the new issue of Vanity Fair that just came out today and that I have a subscription to THANK THE LORD JESUS because JOHNNY IS ON THE DAMN COVER, PEOPLE!

On driving golf carts to get around on his island:

“My hillbilly instinct tells me, when you’re ready to drive a golf cart, you should have a beer.”

SB's got the same damn instinct! I also have the same instinct about driving a car. And don't you bitches from MAD be berating me in the comments section either! I'm FOR drunk driving, and the Moms told a bartender friend on Tybee Island that I am the BEST DRUNK DRIVER she knows. Mom was proud of that shit, and her ass was bragging on her kid. The whole bar gave me a round of applause. I love Georgia! They are my home people!

Maybe I should get the Moms a bumpersticker for her car that reads: My kid is THE BEST DRUNK DRIVER!

Don't Dick Around: Only 26 Days Left to Vote!

Don't dick around, motherfuckers--only 26 measly little days to vote on the new SB poll: Which actor do you most admire? It was a tough one for me. I admire them all, especially Clint Eastwood and Paul Newman. I also admire Sean Penn for threatening to beat the shit out of Bill O'Reilly. I hate that jerk-off tabloid-television motherfucker.

Anyhoo, just choose somebody! Let's make it a damn contest, shall we?

Nauseating Photo of the Day: Russell Brand

I hope this motherfucker's joking.

Christina Ricci and Boyfriend

One question: How does he get it in?

And don't be all coy and precious, you know that question popped into your head first thang, too. If you ARE precious, this is not the blog for you!

Paris Hilton Won the Biggest Damn Whore Poll by a Cunt

The Moms is going to be so MAD at me for using THAT word. I am 43 years old, and yes, my ass DOES care what the Moms thinks. Well, I care some.

Anyhoo, Paris only won Biggest Damn Whore by ONE damn vote. I was pulling for George Michael (well, not literally). George is a damn whore, but I still love him. In fact, I think he has the best voice of any living singer, except for maybe Andrea Bocelli. I crank the old Andrea Bocelli CDs up on the weekends and annoy the young neighbor couple next door, who probably prefer rap or some damn shit. 

The Disdainful one loves Bocelli, too. Also, Mercer and I both like pasta, flashy Cadillacs, and the red wine (okay, Mercer's not keen on el vino--that's just me). I am quite sure that we are both reincarnated mobsters. We also both like the flash--any kind of shiny jewelry or shit nearly hypnotizes our asses. We were probably named Guido and Rocko or some shit like that in the previous life. Strangely, the only food I can prepare is pasta and pizza. I eat it all the time. It's a holdover from the last life. I also have an aluminum baseball bat in my front closet for unwelcome intrudahs. 

I posted a photo of the BEST ACTOR OF ALL TIME EVER as the greatest mobster EVER, instead of Paris Hilton's whorish mug, because I can't stand looking at that wonk-eyed bitch.

A Post on Real Love

The post linked below really touched my cold stone creamery heart. It is from my dear friend Findon's very literate and very wise site, The Rapacious Creditor.

Link to post: http://therapaciouscreditor.blogspot.com/2009/06/death-of-murderer.html


SB is SUFFERING because my ass STILL HAS NO DAMN CABLE TV! Yes, you motherfuckers read that shit right. I've got a beautiful new flat-screen digital TV and right now, it is merely room decor. Ginger took a BIG sloppy lick on that shit last night, right after she licked her asshole, of course. Dogs do that shit. Don't ask me why. Do I look like Dr. Doolittle, motherfuckers?

Have the Time Warner motherfuckers no compassion? My ass has actually had to listen to music, read, sit on the porch, drink more wine and smoke more cigs the last couple evenings. If you can fucking imagine that. I could have been watching Real Housewives reruns! What has the world come to?

Cable Guy is now scheduled to come on Saturday. I think I will sit on the goddamn front porch AND put a damn sign in the front yard, directing his/her dumb ass to my abode. Cable Guy is due sometime between 8:00 and high noon. I will just plug the damn coffee pot in on the porch and sit there in my damn jammies so I don't miss the motherfucker! I SO TOTALLY WILL, too. Take that shit to the bank.

My fucking ass will look something like this:

My ass can Gladys Kravitz all the neighbors while I'm out there and see what's going on in the hood. It's important to be nosy. If I teach your mentally-challenged asses nothing else, let it be that shit right there!

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Fascinating Tale of Murder

I love true crime stories, and this one, I found fascinating.


Old Maidenform Titsling Ad Created by a Damn Acid Head

Can anybody splain this piece of fuckery to me? This ho is looking pretty damn lofty and pretentious for a bitch wearing a fug titsling around. Also, why are flowers growing out of a bitch's face?

I think the ad guy who created this shit was on some serious drugs. SB's own ass has been on acid trips where I've seent shit just like this shit here--people dancing around in a state of undress, wearing funky animal masks. You've been there, too, so just admit that shit right now! We don't have room for lofty motherfuckers here.

SB Is Back Kiddies!

I am back at work today, but until Saturday (due to a Time Warner cable buttfuck of a screw up), I still have no phone, TV, or Internet access at the new place.

Bear with me, I have A LOT of catching up to do here today, so posting is going to be ultra-light this week.

I am dog tired, motherfuckers, but am down to only one room with boxes in it now. Also, Ginger, the Diarrhetic Wunderkind, tried to bite my new landlord. Good thing I signed a damn lease! His ass would probably like to throw my ass out on the damn street!

Love to you all for the well wishes on the move.

SB loves her damn peeps!