Friday, October 30, 2009

Shit SB Says

I sure as hell hope somebody refers to me as a flamboyant waster or a bon vivant at my memorial service. If you can't be complimentary to the deceased, what is the point of dying?

If I Had Money, this Might Be SB's Obituary

Count Gottfried von Bismarck, who died on July 2, 2007, aged 44, was a louche German aristocrat with a multi-faceted history as a pleasure-seeking heroin addict, hell-raising alcoholic, flamboyant waster and a reckless and extravagant host of homosexual orgies. When not clad in the lederhosen of his homeland, he cultivated an air of sophisticated complexity by appearing in women’s clothes, set off by lipstick and fishnet stockings. Never concealing his homosexuality, von Bismarck continued to appear in public in various eccentric items of attire, including tall hats atop his bald Mekon-like head. At parties he would appear in exotic designer frock coats with matching trousers and emblazoned with enormous logos. Flitting from table to table at fashionable London nightclubs, he was said to be as comfortable among wealthy Eurotrash as he was on formal occasions calling for black tie.

The great-great-grandson of Prince Otto, Germany's Iron Chancellor and architect of the modern German state, the young von Bismarck showed early promise as a brilliant scholar, but led an exotic life of gilded aimlessness that attracted the attention of the gossip columns from the moment he arrived in Oxford in 1983 and hosted a dinner at which the severed heads of two pigs were placed at either end of the table. [SB wants to live a life of gilded aimlessness, goddamnit. Bless his heart. He enjoyed his money and title. You can't begrudge a motherfucker money if they have fun with it.]

Excellent Obituary

Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids...

During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He loved to hear and tell jokes, especially short ones due to his limited attention span. He had a life long love affair with bacon, butter, cigars and bourbon. You always knew what Fred was thinking much to the dismay of his friend and family. His sons said of Fred, "he was often wrong, but never in doubt". When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower - on purpose...No funeral or service is planned. However, a party will be held to celebrate Fred's life. It will be held in Midlothian, Va. Email for more information.

Fred's ashes will be fired from his favorite cannon at a private party on the Great Wicomico River where he had a home for 25 years. Additionally, all of Fred's friend (sic) will be asked to gather in a phone booth, to be designated in the future, to have a drink and wonder, "Fred who?"

[SB would have hung with Fred.]

Texting a Condolence Message

Srry for ur loss

It's coming motherfuckers. Trust me. It's probably already been done.

We're on a Nun Roll Bitches!

I sure hope this fat ass isn't contemplating a ride. You can tell the pony is worried. The fear is in his eyes.


[And this time, I didn't say it, but I wish I would have.]

We don't go to that restaurant anymore. The customer service there is worse than ours.

Nuns with Guns!

I don't know what this shit is about, but I'm digging it. I hail from a southern gene pool, and you cannot have any fun in this world, if it doesn't include fire arms.

Down home, they often combine a shooting contest with BYOB. And if you bitches don't know what BYOB stands for, my ass can't help you. I wish the Moms had made BYOB my middle name.

A Calendar SB MUST Have

Nuns of fun!

Link to Karley's Post

I'm not sure why, but I've been reading Karley's blog, Slutever, for awhile now. She has just written her first column for Platform. Here is a link for those who are interested. She's really funny and totally worthless.

Shit SB Says

After a certain age, goth becomes embarrassing.

Shit SB Says

Lesbians sure do like to kayak.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Pepaw Pitt

I dig Brad, but motherfucker needs to pick up some Just For Men.

Taking Cat Love Too Far

Thanks so much for taking care of Rosie and Simba while I am gone! Please follow these specific instructions for their care:

On Saturday morning please open a can of food for them (I will leave the can out on the cart in the kitchen). Put half the can of food in one of the bowls (I will also leave the bowls on the cart) and the other half in the other bowl. It is very important that they are EXACTLY equal amounts it there is any variance at all Rosie get very upset and becomes inconsolable. And you know what that means.

After you have put exactly half of the can in each bowl and then put one bowl in my bedroom on the green floral place mat for Rosie and the other bowl on the green floral placemat on the floor in the kitchen next to the Platinum Drinkwell water fountain. At this time check the fountain to make sure it is working properly. You may want to take a taste yourself to make sure it is at a cool enough temperature.

After the cats eat (at this time they are allowed to fraternize together in the living room but please leave Rosie by herself in my bedroom with the door closed when you leave, otherwise the cats get into fights.) anyways, after they eat they like to be burped. This can be done by holding each cat like a baby on your shoulder and patting them gently, not too hard, until they burp twice. Each cat must burp twice. Sometimes it helps if you sing to them.

[And no, motherfuckers, SB did not write this shit. Fuck you for thinking that.

Admittedly, I do sing to my cats. They prefer show tunes and are very upset by my Marilyn Manson imitation.]

From Shitmydadsays

"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."

"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."

Link to the inimitable Shitmydadsays:

There's a Story Here

But it's probably not a very interesting one.

The Elders Need Thanksgiving Dinner, So Pony Up Bitches

It's that time of year again, and the elders need Thanksgiving dinners on the res, so pony up Caucasian bitches!

Since I am so sure the Native peoples are glad they helped whitey survive in the New World, so he could decimate, pillage, and rob them of their land, the least you bitches could do, is see the elders get a damn hot turkey dinner, right? RIGHT? THE VERY LEAST.

Here is a link to the American Indian Relief Council: where you can give some bread towards the turkey dinners.

If your dumb honky ass acts now, you can even enter to win an authentic Native American Dreamcatcher. It's not the faux Taiwanese shit like you get at the Meijer, so it will likely catch better dreams. Everybody wants good dreams, SO ACT NOW!

By the way, I'm for Native American reparations. Since I'm mostly a cracker, but have some Indian blood, I'll just mail myself a check. The rest of you white motherfuckers can send me a check, too! Believe my ass when I say, your conscience will feel a whole lot cleaner.

Sometimes, my Indian blood just gets angry at the white man, and I hit myself.

The Day Can Only Go Up from Here

I started the morning by having to take an ink pen and make the dog throw up, because I accidentally, in my sleepy stupor, gave her my antidepressant, instead of her own medication. The way I see it, the day can only go up from here!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

An Interesting Exchange

Dear Mr. and Mrs. X,
We are writing to you as members of the Evergreen Homeowner’s Association about a concern that has occupied all our minds since you moved into this neighborhood. We are a congregate group of good Christian and God fearing people. The display you have set up on the outer section of your lot has us a bit concerned as the statue appears to be a type of Pagan worshipping symbol, unlike the other lawn decorations in our neighborhood.

Shirley Whitley, a neighbor of yours says that this is a Satanic being and that you may be involved in the Occult. We have all noticed strange goings on around the neighborhood. There are flashing lights in the sky and numerous dead animals in the road. We understand that you are a homeowner, but if you will read your declaration of restrictions, obscene or vulgar displays on your property are not allowed. We insist that you remove this questionable display at once. Our children are not to be influenced by Devil worship and deviant behavior.

Ardna TyneFor the Evergreen Homeowners Association

June 16, 2002

Dear Ardna (IF that’s your real name),
I am addressing the issue of my Gargoyle which the benevolent homeowners association seems to take offense to.

I will NOT be removing my Gargoyle any time soon. A Gargoyle is an ancient protector of property, and can be seen all over Europe in the architectural structure. I guess the homeowners association hasn’t gotten to them yet. My Gargoyle basically looks like a puppy with wings. Does this frighten you? I can only imagine you screaming in fear when the Snuggles fabric softener bear is speaking to you through your evil television set.

I would like to file a formal complaint about several yards in the neighborhood. The guy down at 152 has grass that’s over two feet tall. What’s he growing in there? The woman at 138 has a saddle and stirrups decorating her mailbox. What is that all about? I, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, he died. Was that fair? I find cowboys to be highly offensive. Don’t get me started on the pink flamingos in the Whitley yard.

As for the flashes of light in the sky, that’s lightning, you idiot. Have you noticed at about the same time the wicked sky lights are flashing, there are evil drops of liquid falling from the sky? We are in a drought. I would think rain would make you thankful.

As far as the dead animals go, you idiots don’t know how to drive on the winding mountain roads. That is called ROADKILL. If you will notice, these are squirrels and rabbits that just walk in front of you as you drive down the mountain with your retired tunnelvisionist eyes glaring straight ahead.

We live at the top of this mountain. Your friends and neighbors cannot even see my house for all the trees surrounding it, so there is no need for you to freak out over my lawn stuff. I will not be moving things, so take whatever action you feel is necessary.

See you in hell,



October 25, 2002

Dear Mr .and Mrs. X,
We are writing to you again, not on the issue of your gargoyle, which you are determined not to remove from display in our neighborhood, but on the issue of your Christmas lights.

Are you aware that it is not yet November? You apparently put up Christmas lights the second week of this month and insist on plugging them in nightly. We can all see your glowing display late into the night over the mountain horizon. It is keeping several of us awake at night and we do not appreciate such flagrant non-adherence to the Association rules. Page six of your Homeowner’s Association guidelines specifically states that the neighborhood shall remain seasonal, with holiday displays not to be presented in a period greater than two weeks prior or after said holiday.

Your lights are a distraction to visitors. An acquaintance who works at Boone Airport has said that your lights are obnoxious and a turn-off to visitors who land at the airport. If this is an attempt to retaliate against us for the gargoyle incident, we are becoming increasingly annoyed with your behavior. Legal action may be necessary to either A) force you to move out of ouronce peaceful neighborhood or B) obtain a court ordered fine for your continuing defiance of our rules and regulations.

If you think we will back down on this issue, as we did on the issue of your gargoyle, you are sadly mistaken.

In addition, we are disturbed by the constant removal of trees from your property. Sunday morning is not a proper time for you to operate your chainsaw. Our community prides itself on the beautiful forestry that surround our neighborhood and we are determined to stop you from ruining the scenery. Please leave our trees alone!

Ardna TyneFor the Evergreen Homeowners Association

November 4, 2002

Dear Ardna (I just can’t believe that is your name),
I AM aware of the date. If this neighborhood is like the last one I lived in, you will not be putting up lights at all, no matter what the date is. The last neighborhood, I was the only house on the street to put up lights, as it is Siberian-like weather here in December, perhaps the reason no one puts up lights.

Why do you care that my lights are up? Again, I live at the top of the mountain and nobody can even see my house. If it keeps you awake at night, close your freakin’ windows and quit peering out them like Mrs. Kravitz. I am not up here for your amusement. If you want a show, I will be I glad to give you one on New Year’ s Eve, otherwise, QUIT LOOKIN’ MY WAY .

I will not be taking down my lights because of your meek little letter, as it took me 10 days to put them all up. Page six of the guidelines also is the reference page that my gargoyle fell into. I am officially tearing page six out of my guidelines and wiping my ass with it. I will then post it to the tree nearest my mailbox for all your visitors to see. Feel free to take it down and examine it or use it as evidence against my in your little lawsuit.

Did someone really fly into Boone International Airport? Did they really complain about my lights? If so, then I obtained my goal. Someone noticed my lights and I gave the one person who flies into that parking lot something to go home and tell their friends about. Why did you back off on my gargoyle? Did someone tell you your letter to me, coming off as an inbred Christian fanatic was posted all over the internet, and read by many, many people? I got more feedback from people I don’t even know telling me to sue YOU for civil rights violations than you would know.

As for the trees I plunked down $140,000.00 for this house and the acre of property that goes with it. These are MY trees, and I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about what you think about me cutting them down. Aren’t you in church on Sunday Morning, rescuing the world from gargoyle-bearing heathens? The way I see it, this is the BEST time for me to cut down my trees. There are over 300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, my gargoyle and my feces smeared page six of the Homeowner’s Association rules and regulations nailed to the one tree I will leave standing.

Oh, and I’m not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.

As always, love,

The Satan loving, electricity burning tree killer.

Dumb Ass Christians: Depressed People Are Laughable

All men are born equal but atheists are only half men. Man consists of mind, soul and spirit. Atheists do not have a spirit (this makes them worth 2/3 of a normal hum man) and they hardly have a soul either as they can feel little more then hatred, geek and pathetic depressions. (no Christian can ever be depressed since we are Holy Children of God, depressed people are laughable) No atheist can never be in love, or ever feel true love. (their love is only lust and/or sadism) This makes them about 1/3 man. Also we all know that it's gay to be atheist and gays are not men, their are assheads who should terminated as well as other threats to the society. (like commies, feminists, masons and immigrants) To sum it up, my dear amerikkkan fat asstheist neard with cola: You are a failure!

God's crusader [4/7/2009 2:09:08 PM]

Shit SB Says

I'm going to piss now, while it's the commercial. For some reason, lately, I'm holding my piss like a damn five year old.

Pardon My Damn Absence, Motherfuckers

This bitch was sick again. This time it is a damn sinus infection. I stayed home yesterday and watched TV and mostly lazed around with the moggys (cats, for you ignorant yanks). The Moms (saint!) ran me some Taco Bell over. I was craving hot sauce--I guess to clear the sinuses. Who damn knows?

I am back at work today, but grouchy and my voice is about like Walter Matthau's. Whatever.

I am sitting here praying for the fucking mucus to start exiting my damn noggin. My ears are sort of stopped up, but I don't want to fucking listen to some sonofabitch drone on and on anyway, so it works out. I'll just nod and smile when people stop by. I can't hear dick.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Ugliest Little Kid EVER

I'm sorry, I know this isn't nice, but that's about the ugliest little kid I have EVER seen. I wish I could zoom in on that little fucker so you could share my discomfort. My damn eyeballs are never going to be the same. That shit is burned on my brain. In fact, I think I need brain bleach or I'm going to have nightmares!

Not to belabor the damn point, but Christ, is that kid FUG! It reminds me of one of those Chucky dolls. If I was the parents, I'd have to lock that little fucker in the shed at night, so I could sleep. Jesus.

I Lie To Total Strangers

Sometimes, in order to feel better about myself and my burgeoning weight, I tell total strangers that I encounter at the UDF or Sunoco mini-mart that I used to weigh nearly 400 pounds. I feel so good when their eyes go wide and they tell me how great I look and how thin I am.

I have this talent for keeping a straight face when I lie. I should have been a politician.

The Internet Sure Does Attract Some Crazy Motherfuckers

[No, I'm not talking about me, goddamnit. Check out the comment below. Maybe in the next incarnation this bitch will learn how to spell.]

I was told that it was my life path to be made a valkyrie in this life and to rencarnate no more. As I am bound to something else and the religion I am now. I refused to go to a body of water and bathe their. I asssumed there was something that would have taken place. I drive to my old temple and on the steps ardently fought for my own right to live my own path. But I have a gauntlet and two golden graclets [WTF?] that can only be seen by second sight. Of which I know were given to my by Odin as well as were augmented [How does somebody that can't fucking spell know how to utilize and spell this particular word?] recently due to a strong thunder storm that had high energy spikes in it’s undercurrent. My friends and I have second sight so we can all see what I have.My question to you is do you know what a living valkyrie is exactly. And can you tell me anything about why he’s soo attracted even though I push him away whenever he tries to draw me near?? Also I could have sworn I was in golden manicles (handcuffs) Until I reached the steps of the temple.You probibly think I am mad! [No shit.] I wouldn’t blame you. I know I am an old soul. I also can faintly tell that you have something special to you. This is why I am telling you all of this and posing this question to you.If you could give me any information at all I would more than just appricate it.MY only other choice is asking [the NEW golden oracle] and lets face it. Most of the people there would give me web sites they don’t understand the information of or tell me I am going to hell or belong in a loony bin because I belive that Odin is chasing me!

Thank you for reading this. I know it’s a lot to digest. Even if you have no clue or think I should be in a padded room [YES!], please just e mail me to tell me you got this letter.Thank you again! Your website is wonder and I am very greatful that I found it.


[Uhhhhhmmmmmmm, okay.]

Shit SB Says

[To a married male friend]

SB: We're going to have to start going out to lunch more, otherwise, our love cannot grow and flower.

Friend: Huh?

SB: I just like to fuck with people.

Psychic Prediction: Georgia/Florida Game Next Weekend

The Bulldogs are going to take it in the ass.

[But we still have the best mascot in college football EVER in the world EVER. And don't you fucking forget it. Uga was going to eat the bitch from Auburn. He was defending his territory, and that's what a damn good dog does.]

May I Opine, Motherfuckers?

Just a few thoughts I had while brushing my teeth this morning. [Yes, I DO brush on the weekdays in deference to not assaulting my co-workers with my rampant halitosis. Weekends, it's mostly just the cats, so I'm a lazy motherfucker and don't spend the time on oral hygiene. If any of you guys come to visit on a weekend, I will brush, though, I promise. Just give me some advanced notice.] My ass always has deep thoughts while brushing my teeth because it's so cocksucking boring, so here's some that came up today.
  • I motherfucking hate faux wood. Nearly all of the goddamn fixtures in my bathroom are faux fucking wood. Jesus.
  • If I hear ONE MORE GODDAMN SINGLE FUCKING SOLITARY WORD about the Balloon Boy or his fucked-up parents, I am going to smite a bitch!
  • Mongoloids who pull out in front of me in a vehicle and then hold my important ass up are going to get the horn laid on them the ENTIRE WAY that I am trapped behind them. This shit is a real pet peeve of mine.

If you motherfuckers would care to agree with my opinions, or even to opine about something else that really sticks in your crawl, please feel free to do so in the comments section. Just remember, it might be wise not to mention the Balloon Boy. SB's energy for smiting is low today.

Uncle Bob was REALLY Mad

SB had an aunt named Carol, who died after having a brain tumor removed a decade or so back. Aunt Carol was SO GREAT, I can't tell you. She was naturally pretty like Michelle Phillips, and she was SO FUNNY. Everybody at her funeral visitation had an amusing Carol Story to tell. She was one of a fucking kind.

For one thing, Aunt Carol used to like to paint her nails in the car at stop lights. Her husband, my Uncle Bob, used to get REALLY mad about this, because Carol had several fender benders that way. Carol still kept doing that shit anyway.

Aunt Carol played the dumb blond, but in actuality, she was REALLY SMART. She gave me some of the best life advice I've ever had. She pointed out to me that I fought everything and that it could only wear me out. SB was a damn rebel as a youth! I don't think I ever really realized it until she said it.

Right before Carol got sick with the brain tumor, SB was young and between jobs, so I went to stay with her in Columbus. I figured maybe I would move to Columbus if a good job opportunity presented itself. Uncle Bob was back in Dayton during the week at a condo and Aunt Carol (a realtor) was working on selling their Columbus house. So, it was just us chicks while I was there.

One night, after a glass of wine or three, we decided we would be a couple of beneficent motherfuckers and help Uncle Bob's ass out and cut the lawn. That way, when he turned up at the Columbus house over the weekend, he would be able to relax and enjoy his time with Aunt Carol and not have to worry about the motherfucking lawn.

I helped Aunt Carol gas the damn fucker up and start it, and off she went, pushing the mower, while my lazy ass sat on the porch for moral support. It was getting dark out, so Carol had to hustle her ass. All of a sudden, there was a fiery explosion. We had forgotten to mix whatever the fuck you are supposed to mix with the gasoline (oil?) that goes into the mower to prevent such fiery explosions from occurring. Aunt Carol and I started to giggle. We literally bent over and laughed until we cried, and she kept saying: "Uncle Bob is going to be SO MAD!" He was!

It was one of the funnest times of my life, and I still miss my dear sweet Aunt nearly everyday. I talk to her sometimes (mostly in the shower in the mornings--I hope she can't see me, because she would be so upset with me for getting fat) and tell her about her boys and the three grand kids she never got to see. Aunt Carol got gypped, and I was angry about it for a long time, and now I am mostly sad. Looking back, I think I didn't really go to Columbus to find a job (it never panned out), but to spend that precious time with Carol. I am so grateful for that time. It was such a blessing. She was such a blessing to our family and our lives.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

From Shitmydadsays

Dad is my fucking idol.

"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."

The Other Commenters Are Retarded

I read a true crime page fairly frequently, and recently there has been a story about a young man who was set on fire for owing money for a video game to another kid.

Here's today's enlightening commentary.

Paul said:
This makes me sad to see such a horrible thing happening here in america. If this was a muslim culutre I could understand. America I weep for our future when children set other children on fire. The Horror.
Posted 10/13/2009 at 05:46:49 PM

neo said:
Oh yes since America is a "CHRISTIAN" culture it shouldn't happen here. Yeah, thanks Paul. Oh and by the way, wake up. That guy who burned him SURELY was a muslim, since we all know ALL muslims are evil and ALL christians are good. It sure is a crying shame aint it?
Posted 10/13/2009 at 05:52:07 PM

alchemist said:
These little bastards need to be charged as adults... and do adult time.
Posted 10/13/2009 at 05:52:47 PM

the other commenters are retarded said:
yea... should have jumped in the pool... 2nd degree burns over 80% of his body? he had to wait for a neighbor to GET a fire extinguisher and THEN put out the blaze? Jesus. Maybe they tied him down first or something. Anyway the kids that did it deserve to die. they are going to go to jail, suck up resources, then when they get out, cause more problems. And If I was that kid I'd dedicate the rest of my life to revenge... that kind of pain the requires induced coma is enough to turn somebody evil.
Posted 10/13/2009 at 05:54:52 PM

Paul is retarded said:
lol @ Paul. Agreed that muslims are worse but obviously you're retarded. Christians are historically just as bad.
Posted 10/13/2009 at 05:55:59 PM

phatfly said:
This is why we should start using euthanasia more often in this country. These kids are way too sick to be left on this planet with the rest of the world.
Posted 10/13/2009 at 06:15:21 PM

Hei said:
heh such a stupid kid
Posted 10/13/2009 at 06:18:25 PM

GW said:
So what if Christians are historically as bad. They AREN'T anymore because they evolved socially out of the middle ages. Muslim countries have not.
Posted 10/13/2009 at 06:22:28 PM

Jack said:
I dont want to sound indfferent but its almost like kids get away with too much and blame is put on ppl who the law restricts from doing anything anyway.
"yea... should have jumped in the pool" Na, Chlorine would react and cause irritation over the body not to mention poisining, dont forge tthe body is pourous... skin absorbs water.
Posted 10/13/2009 at 06:29:00 PM

a said:
I hope these boys have to see the results of there actions, then are put away for the horrible crime they have commited.
Posted 10/13/2009 at 06:32:06 PM

Achnot said:
"So what if Christians are historically as bad. They AREN'T anymore because they evolved socially out of the middle ages. Muslim countries have not."
Are you taking the piss? You're ethnically cleansing Iraq at the moment.
Posted 10/13/2009 at 06:34:13 PM

funwithpi said:
@Paul, @GW - You're retarded. Being Christian or Muslim has absolutely no impact on whether or not people are evil. The only thing that it might change is people's views of women. Also, did you really type, "not evolved out of the middle ages"? Really? REALLY? No further questions.
Posted 10/13/2009 at 06:38:37 PM

Seriously? said:
lol at all you morons for making a story about a kid getting set on fire for a bike about christianity and islam.
i'm sure the kid who set him on fire knows what it feels like to be burned. that he was able to do this to another kid... try him as an adult and lock him up as an adult.
Posted 10/13/2009 at 06:38:48 PM

Faces of Meth

Shit SB Says

Don't fuck with me, motherfucker. Daddums gave me an aluminum baseball bat when I moved into the new place. It's in my closet, and I WILL USE THAT SHIT WITHOUT COMPUNCTION. I will beat a bitch!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

From Shitmydadsays

"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."

Link to the whole tamale:

[That made my fat ass hungry for Mexican. Taco Bell here I come!]

New SB Feature! Crackhead of the Month

Meet Wanda. This bitch will suck the chrome off a trailer hitch for a damn rock. Also, this ho knows how to accessorize. Work it Wanda!

Cat Love Gone Too Far

I love my cats too, but Jesus H., I ain't taking their furry asses to Olan Mills with me.

The sons are just putting up with this fuckery because they don't want to be cut out of the will. If the boys fuck up, they DAMN WELL KNOW Daddums will leave EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PENNY to Tiddles. Poor motherfuckers. I'd suck ass for the dough, too. I ain't too proud to admit that shit either. I was born to be the family wastrel!

I Don't Condone this Shit, But I Understand

Link to story:

Real Squirrel-Clad Doll

This shit here combines a few of SB's interests: SQUIRRELS (albeit dead ones) + REAL DOLL.

Seriously, I poke a little fun at the men (big fat losers) who have a primary relationship (or any relationship) with Real Dolls, but on a day like this, I sort of appreciate the fact that sometimes it would be nice to get your damn needs met or watch a movie with someone without having to converse with a bitch. Maybe SB should post a Craigslist personal and entitle it: Seeking Mute for Friends/More.

You can find ANYTHING on Craigslist, motherfuckers. ANY-THING. If I teach your dumb asses nothing else, let it be that.

Scary Jesus

Jesus has just had the open heart surgery, and the motherfucking surgeon did a shit job of sewing his ass back up. Surgeon = Hell Bound.

It also looks like His Holiness is a cheapy ceramic Mexican sort of Jesus to my discerning ass. And my ass is nothing if not DISCERNING. Don't you motherfuckers dare forget it. I'm crabby today. I'll fuck a bitch up.

Church Removes Scary Crucifix

This is an old BBC article I stumbled upon, but it made me smile. I like to scare children myself.

Church removes 'scary crucifix'

A large sculpture of Christ on the cross has been removed from outside a church in West Sussex after its vicar said it was "scaring young children".

The Reverend Ewen Souter said the 10ft crucifix was "a horrifying depiction of pain and suffering" which was also "putting people off".

The sculpture, located at the side of St John's Church in Broadbridge Heath, has now been given to Horsham Museum.

It will be replaced with a new stainless steel cross.

In a survey carried out by the church, every comment about the sculpture was negative.

Mr Souter said: "Children have commented on how scary they find it and how off-putting they find it as a symbol outside the church.

"As a key exterior symbol for us it was putting people off rather than having a sense of hope and life and the power of the resurrection."

He said rather than undermining the work of the cross, the church wanted to portray "an accurate biblical picture of the crucifixion as a moment of hopefulness for the world, and not one of despair".

The sculpture was designed in the 1960s by former Royal Society of British Sculptors president, Edward Bainbridge Copnall, and made out of coal dust and resin.

It was removed from the church just before Christmas and will be mounted on a large wall in the grounds of Horsham Museum.

Jeremy Knight, curator, said the powerful image portrayed by the figure was that of Christ in pain.

"That today isn't an image which a lot of churches want to follow. They'd much rather see an empty cross where Christ has risen," he said.

I'm a Crabby-Assed Motherfucker Today

BIG SHOCKEROO. I don't even know what the matter with my dumb ass is. It's beautiful and sunny here in Buttfuck, and I got good sleep last night, but I am crabby as a motherfucker this morning. I have managed not to growl at anyone so far or bare my teeth, but it's still early. The possibility still exists.

How is your morning (or afternoon for my UK friends) going?

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

This Month's Wool Fetishist

Back by popular fucking demand and sponsored by some sort of damn fabric softener, which is really smart on the part of the company sponsor, because who needs softness more than a wooly with their damn private parts encased in scratchy itchy fucking wool? When softness counts, people!

Shit SB Says

I could tell by his damn look that dad thinks I am a cat hoarder. I am not a cat hoarder! I AM NOT A CAT HOARDER!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Doggy Sophie's Choice

This shit made me laugh.

From Dlisted:

One of SB's Heros: Yusuf Islam

I adore and so much respect this man as an artist, a seeker, and as a human being.

Dumb Ass Christians

I'm actually glad that I am mentally ill because I have noticed that a lot of mentally ill people are Christians.


[I didn't say that. Jsmythe did.]

From the Inimitable Shitmydadsays

"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."

"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."

Link to the whole damn schmiel:

A Photo from My Friend Miss Alaineus


[Thanks Miss A.!]

Change of Name on the Cat Due to a Slight Fuck Up

I made the 2- 1/2 hour drive to Hartford City, Indiana, on Saturday and enjoyed myself tremendously, despite the fact that I had to get up and get going at 6:00 a.m. on a goddamn weekend. It was a gorgeous day for a drive through the country with all the leaves turning for fall. There were golds and reds and lots of sunshine.

The folks in Hartford City are about as nice as they come. I had to stop and ask directions to the shelter on the edge of town, and I had four people at the Quik Stop helping me. Thank you Hartford City!

It's good that I stopped to ask, because the shelter was out in the country and very small. The ladies working at the shelter were both lovely and kind, and the poor animals are lucky to get them. They said that they try and keep the shelter as no-kill as possible. It would not be easy, as their facility is so small. So, if you live anywhere near Hartford City, please help them out and adopt a lovely pet.

I found the shelter a little early, so I drove back to town to get a cup of coffee at the local McDonalds. I have never seen a busier place in my life! I had trouble getting out of the damn parking lot when I went to leave. God bless smalltown Indiana--they actually still have a smoking section available in the restaurant. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Ohio is non-smoking in every bar and restaurant. Ohioans are pinheads, but we still drive better than the damn Hoosiers. Sorry, but it's true.

Anyhoo, I really enjoyed sitting in McDonald's, listening to the local men talk about various things. I felt right at home. I grew up in a small farming town, and I guess I miss it.

I got to the shelter around 9:30, and the nice lady working there (Vicki) said that they hoped they had gotten the right kitten. There was a male and a female (brother and sister) at the house where they were being fostered, and they had trouble catching one of them, so they brought the one that they were able to catch. And yes, it turned out it was the girl kitten. So, Ozzy won't really work for her.

The whole drive home I thought of potential names, and I have lots of male names I like, but very few female ones. I like Cheyenne a lot, but it just didn't fit her somehow. I considered Auden (my favorite poet) and Drayton (after one of my favourite streets in Savannah), but I decided that since she is a beautiful long-haired gray, that I would name her Shelby after Shelby Foote, one of my favourite people of all time. For a middle name, I gave her the best southern name ever: Lee. So I have a Shelby Lee. All my kids have good southern names, except the pre-named ones. I wasn't about to give them damn Yankee monikers. Uh-unh. They're little rebels, goddammit.

Shelby is skinny as a damn rail, but eats hardy. She is about as sweet a soul as I have ever encountered. I let her out of her cat cage about a half-hour down the road, and she rode in my lap a lot of the way home. I bought an extra bacon-egg-cheese bagel and fed her most of the bacon off of it. She was so hungry.

When I got Shelby home (remember, I have a dog and five cats already), Shelby got right down on the floor with them and didn't hide or hiss, and Ginger about drove her nuts smelling on her, and some of other cats were rather mean to her. She sat on the couch next to me most of the day. I really love her, and she is a TOTAL joy. Worth every mile and every dollar to adopt her. She was even worth getting up THAT EARLY for, and I can't say a whole damn lot else would be.

This morning, Shelby and Bella (my other kitten) shared the windowsill in the bathroom tentatively. It was a good sign, and it made me very happy.

I am going to bring Shelby into work with me after lunch this afternoon, as we have a skeletal staff today, due to the annual off site. I can't wait to show her off.

She is a blessing. I am blessed.

[The photo above is of Dakota, Shelby's brother, but they look nearly exactly alike. Dakota is the cat I originally went after, but I guess fate had other plans. Sweet plans.]

Friday, October 16, 2009

Going After Another Cat this Weekend, Motherfuckers

There is a gray/blue cat about to be put down in some damn place called Hartford, Indiana (can you say "Mid-west, Buttfuck"?). It's about a two-hour drive from me.

I'm rolling tomorrow early (hours are 8:00--12:00 Saturdays). He is around a year old, and I will be naming him, Ozzy, after one of my favourite people, Ozzy Osbourne (I also dig Ozzy's wife, Sharon--anybody who loves animals THAT MUCH rocks in my book! Also, I admire her fucking honesty, and she takes good care of my man, Oz.).

Hope all of you have a tremendous weekend.

Love, SB.

They Don't Come Much Prettier than this Folks

I'm just pitching shit right and left today. SB's new favourite show is The Vampire Diaries. Of course, I am in lust with the evil vampire brother, Damon, played deliciously by Ian Somerhalder (above).

I recommend you watch the show, if you haven't seen it yet. The casting is brilliant, and the show has an interesting and well-paced plot with lots of twists.

Free Product Pitch: ZICAM Gel Swabs, the Holy Grail of Allergy Relief

And, this shit is homeopathic, motherfuckers!

My sinus/allergies have been SO BAD this fall that I thought I was going to have to start perpetually smiling and showing my teeth so that I could discretely breathe through my fucking mouth (like a damn fish). This shit saved my ass. I use it every morning when I get out of the shower, and somehow, it works through the entire day and night.

ZICAM rules!

Another Brilliant True Crime Story from LA Weekly

SB digs true crime stories, if you couldn't tell.

Link to story:

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Now This Is a Story: Punk Rock Murder

I love LAWEEKLY. Below is a link to quite a story. It contains everything: southern aristocracy, insanity, beauty, punk rock, and murder.

The Cocksucking Motherfucking Cat Was on My Back on the Goddamn Toilet

I am borrowing my language from Ms. Moon's fabulous post of yesterday at Bless Our Hearts. I am too goddamn grouchy and lazy to link to it, so go and find it (link to Bless Our Hearts is on the right side of this blog). Do yourself a damn favor. It's the post about her damn dogs, who piss all over everything.

Anyhoo, I was sitting on the goddamn crapper this morning, when the shitass kitten decided she wanted to climb on the middle of my back and park her shit. I was leaned over reading a Time magazine article about the meat industry and how those motherfuckers are poisoning us and the land all in the name of cheap meat. Fuckers.

Trouble was, Bella was so on the middle of my back, I couldn't get the little motherfucking cocksucker off. Finally, after twisting around to no avail, multiple cocksucking times, I straightened bolt upright, and Bella was forced to climb onto the back of the goddamn toilet. This was, of course, after digging her shitting motherfucking claws into the tender meat of my damn back. So now, I have a scratched up back, on top of being grumpy as a goddamn motherfucker.

It's raining here again in Buttfuck-fucking-Ohio, and since I have the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder for all you slow motherfuckers), I am about to open a goddamn vein. I have already growled (literally) at two dumb motherfuckers who dared approach my cubicle this morning. I even bared my teeth at one. They will not be back again soon. The next guy gets hissed at.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

This Man Is a Damn Genius

Mini-Fridge Seller Guy and I Should Hang Out

I could have written this shit. I really could have.

Sep 29, 2009

Dear Crazy-As-Bat-S***-Lady:

I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you’ve obviously become accustomed to.

Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following:

1. I am not Home Depot. If you travel thirty minutes to pick up a bulky 40-pound object, please come prepared with the necessary items you’ll need to secure it to your vehicle. Yes, I have rope. I have a lot of rope. I have many different colors and sizes of rope. No, you can not have my rope. The ad said I was selling a fridge, not a fridge with rope. Nor was I selling a fridge with padding so that the pleather seats on your piece of crap car don’t get marked up.

2. What part of ‘buyer must pick up’ in the ad was confusing to you? Yes, I have a vehicle. No, I don’t want to haul your fridge all the way to East BumbleFuck on the hottest day of the year. No, I’m really really sure I don’t want to do that. No, really. I’m sure.

3. Please call me only once with ALL your questions. I left for the day, and had 5 messages on my answering machine, the last one was at 10:30 pm. Frankly lady, you were sounding a bit too crazy by the end of the day. It’s a fridge. A small metal box that keeps shit cold. I don’t have the fridge’s family tree. For all I know the fridge’s was conceived by a slutty young Maytag that graced some hillbilly’s side porch. I don’t know the exact age of the fridge. I bought it a few months ago, I used it for a couple of days, ok, I lied, I used it a whole week. The fact is, you’re not buying a race horse, you’re buying a used fridge.

4. No, I will not knock $10 bucks off the price of the fridge because your anal retentive eyes picked up the ittiest, bittiest hairline scratch from across my driveway. I’m not making judgements on you, but I’m pretty damn sure Donald Trump didn’t send you across the country to pick up a used fridge for Trump Towers. Though I’d wager the whole concept of the mini-fridge bar is a familar one to you.

5. Yes, you can unplug a fridge without any harm to the fridge. Believe me, the fridge is fine. The manufacturers have figured out a way to extend the life of a fridge that has been unplugged. Yes, I’m absolutely sure of that. No, you did not have to leave 2 messages about your concerns with the fridge being unplugged, and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear.

6. No, I don’t have the operating instructions. I can write them down for you though: Plug fridge in. Open door. Put crap inside. Take crap out when it’s cold. Eat or drink crap.

7. I am not a fridge pimp. I don’t have any more fridges at that price. No, I don’t know where you can get another fridge at that price. Yes, I know it’s in great condition for the price, and I’m sure you’d like your other crazy-as-bat-s***-mini-fridge-buying-friends to have one just like it, but this is all I have. Here’s a thought, there’s this online classified ads website. Yeah, you may have heard of it, it’s called CRAIGSLIST. I dunno, maybe, just maybe, in this great land of ours, there’s another mini-fridge being advertised there.

8. Please remove my phone number from your address book. I think our relationship is over. Oh, and if you’ve added me to your AIM Buddy List, please delete me. Please. I beg you.

Yours truly,

The mini-fridge seller

Shit SB Says

Miniature things are BIG FUN! I want to adopt a primordial dwarf, because then I could have a miniature person to dress and love AGAINST HIS/HER WILL. Why is it always more fun to love the unwilling? The Moms said she will sew clothes for her primordial grand kid. You could knit that motherfucker a blanket in no time. It wouldn't have to be a whole lot larger than a damn bath towel.

[SB is too damn lazy and busy to post much today, so I copied this comment that I left on Ms. Moon (my idol's) blog. If any of you motherfuckers know where I can adopt a primordial, please get back to me. Note: The sex of the PD is relatively unimportant. So is the age. I'll even take a geriatric dwarf. The eyes of love see no impairments.]

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I Found this Strange and Beautiful

It's like something out of a Cormac McCarthy story. Joe's got it exactly right in my mind. God bless him.

Nathan Neel (24) collapsed and died from heatstroke

Nathan Neel told his dad Joe last Thursday that he was going to be driving 100 miles or so from Lubbock to Palo Duro Canyon to get away for a while. Joe thought about trying to talk him out of going by himself, but remained silent.

After all, he and Carolyn Neel's youngest son was 24. He loved Palo Duro Canyon, had been there many times. He wanted to be alone, to talk with God as he often did at this time in his life, so maybe, his dad figured, he should be alone for the day.

"He was so extremely excited about this new job," said Jerry Joplin, pastor of Lubbock's Bacon Heights Baptist Church. "He was ecstatic."

He had a fiancee, Nicolle Meers, and was ready to embark on a career in church ministry as youth minister at First Baptist Church in New Home. He was savoring life. He came to pray, to thank God, to ask for direction.

Nathan called his dad to tell him he'd arrived, and he didn't forget to tell Joe he loved him. Typical Nathan. "He would leave us notes all the time, buy us cards for no occasion whatsoever," Joe said. "He might see you struggling, see you were down and write a person a note with a Bible verse. We received so many over the months and years."

Not that Nathan didn't have his own struggles. He had his share of medical issues early in life, including a minor malformation on the right side of his brain that caused some lack of coordination and vertigo. His church, South Plains Fellowship, prayed over him and that made a huge difference physically and spiritually. "From that, he overflowed with God's love," Joe said. "He wanted to show people God's love because he was so blessed with it himself."

The first time Joplin ever met Nathan, Bacon Heights' youth minister told him he had a guy who wanted to be an intern with the youth. Joplin said there was no money in the budget. Nathan had said he wasn't interested in money. That was three years ago.

"He was committed to the Great Commission," Joplin said. "He loved God and loved to tell people about Jesus. That was the sum total of his life. He was a gentle man. He had such a gentle spirit, tender and kind."

He was never intimidated to talk to others about Christ. Joplin joked that Nathan always got the difficult ones. He relished talking with them just as he relished his first real ministry job in New Home.

And then Friday evening the Neels got the call. And so did Joplin. And these stark calls spread through the network of Neel's friends. His parents find their faith undamaged and so does Nicolle. "It hurt at first, but Nathan left in a perfect way," Nicolle said. "Every dream he wanted was coming true. It was perfect. If anything, my faith has grown stronger."

Joe believes from autopsy and Randall County sheriff reports that his son overheated and fainted, slipping down a cliff into a creek 20 feet below. He regained consciousness and walked away, having lost his shoes. He walked another 100 yards or so, then collapsed again from heatstroke. His body was found near a picnic area by a family from McKinney.

"I've told myself and other people in the last few days," Joe said, "that Nathan not only went to talk to God, but he went to meet God at Palo Duro Canyon."

Monday, October 12, 2009

If You Want to Live to Be 100, Like Memaw Ruth, Don't Eat Your Vegetables

I'm glad to hear this, link below, because I don't like vegetables AT ALL. Of course, I'll being ignoring the part about not drinking or smoking.

Link to story at Dlisted:

If Your Dumb Ass Needs Help Pooing, See Alicia Silverstone

Most people aren’t pooing. I know two girls in my life who are good friends, who were not pooing, but now they’re pooing ’cause I helped them. I taught them how to poo.”

-- Alicia Silverstone

I guess Alicia's been hanging out with Bobby Brown.

I Was TOO DAMN YOUNG for the Party

Yes, you motherfuckers read that shit right: SB was TOO DAMN YOUNG for the party. I went to a party for my Aunt's boyfriend who turned 70-fucking-5 on Saturday. It was the first party I have attended since I separated with Mr. SB, and I was the only person under 60 there. Jesus. I pointed out to the Moms that there were no eligible men for me to date.

"Do you want to date?" she asked.

"Well, no, but that's not the point really. Is it?"

The Moms and I were sitting in the sun (it was colder than a brass monkey's ass), when two hapless elders parked their folding chairs next to us. All the damn wife did (FOR THE ENTIRE FUCKING PARTY) was bitch about how cold it was and how she wished she had brought her heavier coat. This ho then proceeded to bitch to us, while giving her cornball husband (BIG BLOWHARD) the side-eye and saying (OVER AND FUCKING OVER), "I wanted to bring my warm jacket, and HE said I wouldn't need it."

The poor bastard.

The Moms leaned over and said to me, "Can't she think for herself?" The Moms and I get really irritated when women act like kids around their men. "Doesn't she have a damn brain?" the Moms asked me.

"No, clearly not. Look at the husband she picked." It wasn't nice, but that was my reply. I'm not Doris fucking Day. [Sorry. I know it's a shocker for you people.]

Of course, they had cornhole at the party, which I refused to play, because my ass isn't playing anything called THAT EVER. It's a goddamn bean bag toss. I NEVER EVER heard it called cornhole until the past few years. One of my gay friends told me that he has played "cornhole" more times than he cares to remember. EXACTLY. Cornhole my ass. [Ooops. That sounded sort of indecent, but, like I said, I'm not Doris Day. So those of you male readers who were planning on taking SB home to meet dear old Mom, might want to reconsider.]

The Elder Hostel party was BYOB, so I bought some traveller cups and a regular- size bottle of Merlot. Fifteen minutes into the party (after sitting next to Mr. Pussy Whipped and Mrs. Cold Complainer), I realized my damn mistake. I told the Moms that I was should have bought an ENTIRE DAMN CASK OF WINE.

I won't make that mistake again, believe my ass.

I'm Going to Kill Me a Motherfucker Monday

We have a certain individual around here, who when he can't get somebody to understand something instantly, begins to raise his voice, AS IF GETTING LOUDER WILL MAKE SOMEBODY UNDERSTAND THE DAMN POINT THAT HE IS TRYING TO CONVEY. Motherfucker is currently shouting: "DON'T BE AFRAID OF TECHNOLOGY. DON'T LET IT INTIMIDATE YOU. IT IS HERE TO HELP YOU."

What the fuck? It is too early. My brain can't even make sense of this shit.

Since it is Monday (the worst morning of the damn week) and not yet 10:00, SB is going to kill her a motherfucker! Mr. LOUD is in the next fucking cube, and since our cubicles here are like barely exaggerated closets, said motherfucker may as well be SHOUTING in my goddamn ear.


Shit SB Says

I'm not sure the dog needs out. Her tail looks sort of noncommital.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Found!! Gray Cat!

[I found this add on Craigslist today, and it made me laugh. Clearly, this person is a little excitable. And yes, Ohioans are ignorant motherfuckers who say shit like "I SEEN IT." My bet is, this poor motherfucker is never going to get the damn cat out off the garage. Frightened pussy = blood-soaked-scratched-all-up-to-hell good Samaritan.

Interestingly, The Narrows used to be a pet cemetery. It is now inactive. Maybe this poor sonofabitch has some sort of evil Stephen King-like cat in his garage. Maybe it smells like smoke because it's Satan's cat, and it's been hanging out in hell. No good deed goes unpunished.]


Dumb Ass Christians: Reason Is the Enemy

Because I've Always Been a Little Bit in Love with Him

And because he had lovely hands, which for some reason is something I'm attracted to in men, and he was beautiful, ethereal, and talented as a motherfucker. Also because I've been listening to him this whole rainy gray morning and I miss him.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Quote of the Damn Day

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering, and it's all over much too soon.

--Woody Allen

E-mail from Angry Love Reject Guy

[And, no, this was not written to me, so don't ask. I'm a lovely and gracious date, goddammit.]

Well, I must say I was fooled by you. A professional , highly cultured, highly intelligent male escorts a “lady” to the symphony, has a casual drink and is re-paid with ambivalence, cruelty, and disgust. No games please…you said. You are nothing but a gamester! I can clearly see why you are divorced. He was wise. By the way why the tasteless ..sexual connotative photos of yourself…feelings of inadequacy I assume. No Matter. You did not even have the intestinal fortitude to explain your actions. Pathetic.I have forgotten more than you could imagine. You have no idea …really no idea of who I am. I am sick of connecting up with Knoxvillian women who are BIZARRE. Are there no descent ladies left? Well the search continues. Grow up and learn what life if about. You made a comment about yourself at the Pub we visited…I should have listened. You know yourself somewhat at least. Why did you act that way. Your actions are not rationale. A singleMother should above all people show kindness and be civil to others. That which is beautiful is not always good but that which is good is always beautiful. You should be close attention to those words and live life by them. Trust me I know. Now. it pains to say this, but I do not desire any form of reciprocal response to you in any modality of communication or from any objective parties. Obey this statement. I am very angry about this. Good luck in finding a significant other who can tolerate you.

New SB Feature! Boob Crumbs of the Day


From shitmydadsays

"We didn't have a prom. Dancing wasn't allowed...What's Footloose?...That's the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit."

Link to shitmydadsays:

Say Something Nice: Donatella Versace

Uhhhhhhmmmmmmmm, nice dress?

Dumb Ass Christians: Battling Leviathon

Leviathon is a spirit I have battled as well. It was a hard battle but was won. It was about four months or more ago. My wife and I were in McDonalds and were having a conversation with an angel and Leviathon had come up. I told the angel that i wanted to fight this demon and he said I could. On the way back to the hotel I asked the angel if he could bring the demon to a predestinated place and he said yes. I figured that since Leviathon was from the depths of the sea he would be used to the cold water so I filled the tub up with scalding hot water and blessed the water. The angels (there were two now) brought Leviathon bound to the tub and fought with me. We all pulled our swords from our hips and began running this demon through with all my strength and everything I had. I would say it took atleast half an hour or more. We were all spent but the battle was won.


[Uhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm, okay.]

Dumb Ass Christians: Smashing the Heads of Babies Is an Act of Love

Final judgment by God and assigning people to Hell is not an act of hate, but love. I do not believe in a God of hate.

When God ordered the Israelis to smash the heads of babies on the rocks and kill everyone in the Old Testament, I consider those acts of love, not hate. God acts out love and just because his actions do not fit into my world view or align up to my sense of justice, I will continue to trust in the justice of God than any person.


[Uhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmm, okay.]

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Who Would Play SB in a Movie?

We have the same attitude.

Who would play you in a movie?

Dubble Bubble, Fuck You

[Caption: These motherfuckers ain't getting any of my gum. Well, okay, maybe the watermelon-flavoured shit. It sucks ass. That pathetic excuse for a Captain Kirk on the right can't even figure out what the hell he's holding. Fucker can't even work a damn cell phone. Check out the expression on his face. Would you want him leading the ship? I sure as hell wouldn't.]

I went to K-fart and bought THREE--count them!--THREE bags of Dubble Bubble Halloween gum mega assortments. I felt like my ass had died and gone to heaven. Fuck virgins in paradise--THREE BAGS OF DUBBLE BUBBLE MEGA GUM ASSORTMENTS!

And no, I didn't buy the goddamn gum for the fucking treaters and beggars. I don't like kids. They scare me to death, and every year Mr. SB bought candy and left that shit for me to pass out, because he worked a damn night job to support my ass, and he actually cared what the damn neighbours thought, if you can believe that shit. We had nothing in common.

Anyhoo, every year I had to get drunk, because I didn't know what to say to the costumed little fuckers and that made me uptight. UPTIGHT = AMBULATORY ALCOHOLIC. [All you readers with kids might as well forget that idea you had about asking me to be a Godparent. Sorry.] Also, I wound up eating most of the candy because I was NERVOUS. I am a compulsive eater, after all.

I did pretty good last Halloween, because I was not only drinking, but taking prescription Ativan. I actually managed to say clever things like: Have a nice evening! and Aren't you a cute little--uhhhmmm--whatever it is you are?

Anyway, this year I can just shut my fucking porch light off, sit safely inside, and get my car vandalized by malignant teenagers. I'm divorced now, and my ass is running the damn show! In fact, I can eat all 3 bags of Dubble Bubble all by my damnself. And I will, too! Except that there's a slight problem. So far, there are FAR MORE watermelon pieces of gum than any other kind! There's barely any grape at all, goddammit. And that's my favourite.

THE EXECUTIVES AT DUBBLE BUBBLE CAN GO AND GET FUCKED! THEY CAN LICK MY ANAL SPHINCTER. I HATE watermelon period, and I hate watermelon-flavoured anything. If I liked watermelon, I'd just buy a damn watermelon, not crappy faux-flavoured shitty gum.

Here's my question: Was watermelon gum cheaper to produce than the other flavours? If any of you fucking Dubble Bubble employees happen to read this, can you answer this fucking question? I'd also be obliged if you'd send me an ENTIRE BOX of the grape-flavoured gum.

Dumb Ass Christians on Virginity and Shit

Our church practices courtship and this is how we do it: Prior to 18 the girls and boys are NEVER alone together. They do everything in group activities... group means 7 or more.. not an even number for pairing off and there must be an adult present as chaperone.

At 18, if two people are interested in each other, they stand before the congregation and announce their intention to court. The whole body is responsible for keeping them accountable. They can now go out alone but the girls parents must okay each session.

No later than 6 months later, they must either begin a 6 months counseling session for premarriage or they must separate (no harm, no foul). After the 6 months if they so desire, they may marry at any time provided the pastor who does all the counseling and the two sets of parents agree and give their blessing.

Our girls and boys have a 99% rate for total purity at marriage... meaning their first kiss was at the alter. We have a next to 0 divorce rate and the kids totally buy into this, they are not being forced.


[I'm glad my ass didn't attend this damn church. And how do they know they have a 99% rate for total purity? Is there some kind of cooch check before matrimony? I want the church to stay as far away from my vagina as possible.

And, yes, Moms, I am talking about my vagina again on a public forum. I hope this doesn't mean you won't be paying for my wangs and beer tonight.]

Shit SB Says

For some reason, I find death extremely funny. I guess it's some sort of weird fear response, but I always have to fight the urge to laugh in the middle of a funeral service or when walking by the corpse in the casket. Let's fucking face it, the deceased never look good. [Except for Michael. He looked unnatural before.]

Nobody's looking at my ass when I am dead, except the Moms and Daddums. They're allowed. But fucking no one else. It's okay, though, if they prop me up in a chair at the wake after. Just don't be staring at me.

[I know the photo is in bad taste, but whatever. Fuck you, if you don't like it.]

Excerpt from an E-mail to a Loved One

I'm getting double mileage out of this, motherfuckers. I told you my ass was lazy. This excerpt is from an e-mail that I sent to a loved one this morning.

Anything new? There's dick new on this end. I wish it was new dick on this end, but alas, no.

The folks and I are going to Hooters for wing night tonight. I love Hooters! That sounds a bit funny, doesn't it? Do you all have Hooters over there? It seems like more of an American deal to me. The waitresses wear short shorts (with pantyhose) up their asses, and they serve cold beer, cheeseburgers, and chicken wings (which you have to pronounce "wangs"). So basically, I'm going to order up some wangs at Hooters tonight.
[Sounds sexy, eh?]

My life is dull. [This is one big fucking understatement.]

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Only Astrology SB Believes In

I basically think astrology is total bullshit, except for this. This list is spot on. I'm an Aries.

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

Dumb Ass Christians for SB's Good Friend J.

I have always been afraid of Muslims. I remember the last time I flew (in '89 I think) I was on the plane and 2 men were sitting I think across the aisle talking in a foreign language. I was terrified that they were hijackers, and I was almost in tears the whole flight. In retrospect I think they may have been speaking French. But it was so scary for me at the time.


Jesus H. Is this damn pinhead sure of anything?

SB Is So Fat My Tits Are Catching Food Crumbs

I just wanted to share my personal disgust with myself. I need a damn mini-vac for my tits.

Monday, October 5, 2009

More Shit SB Says

I don't know who's more pathetic--the fucking Bengals or the Browns. It's like this sick battle of mediocrity when they play each other. No, it's worse than that. It's like watching Special Olympics football, but those kids are better.

Shit SB Says

So I like Miracle Whip in my macaroni and cheese. Does that make me white trash? Well, fuck you then. Miracle Whip makes everything taste better. EVERYTHING.

From Shit My Dad Says

"You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose."

Link to the whole ball of wax.

SB's Fat Ass Has Been Sick, Motherfuckers

SB's fat ass had the flu, but her ass is back now with a vengeance. Okay, not with a vengeance--more like--with a damn whimper. Whatever. I don't have time to mince words, people.

I have a lot of catching up to do today, so please be patient, my precious motherfuckers. I'll be back full bore soon a-damn-nough.