Monday, February 28, 2011

Bitch Is Too Old to Be Dressed Like This

Bobbydazzlers: Taylor Swift, left, shimmered in a short gold strapless gown with matching shoes, whereas Cameron Diaz, right, was wearing a tight off-the-shoulder monochrome print dress with black shoeboot stilettos at the 2011 Vanity Fair Oscar party

I don't care how banging her body is. It's not classy. Also bitch is homely as fuck.

Quote of the Damn Day: Tom Ford


I don't want big fat guys like you in my shop.

Tom Ford to Jean Pigozzi.

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

Jean Seberg.

An Oscar Night Conversation

That dress is fug. What was she thinking?

I'd still bone her.

[About Natalie Portman] Jesus, what happened to her. Why is she so fat?

She's pregnant, you insensitive dumb ass.

I'd still bone her.


Friday, February 25, 2011

Quote of the Damn Day: George Clooney

I didn't live my life in the right way for politics, you know, I fucked too many chicks and did too many drugs, and that's the truth.



From the Comments Section of One of the True Crime Forums I Read

This shit made me laugh. Dee and I could hang.

Dee said:

Damn rebecca, you are a stupid bitch. All one has to do is read a few of my posts to know I'm not black.

By the way cunt, it's my guess you are on your way to becoming that very nasty ass fat trailer trash hog I described above (if you're not there already).

Ok, here's a few suggestions to help you, you haggard bitch:

First, take the Marlboro out of your mouth.

Second, put the Old Milwaukee down.

Third, pick up your pay by the minute cell phone and call your basterd children, ya know, the kids your mom has custody of...and let them know you haven't OD'd.

Fourth, feed that poor dog...and not just fucking table scraps either.

Finally, get some rest...You'll be servicing the drivers at the truck stop soon.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Shit SB Says

I have absolutely zero hope for humanity when people can't even manage a 4-way stop.

I thought I'd share some good news, but I guess they caught the guy.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1360298/Saudi-man-arrested-buying-bomb-making-equipment-research-U-S-targets.html

SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

I have decided that due to a full-time fucking job, 7 cats, a diarrhetic old dog with TWO (count them TWO) cysts (which may or may not be cancerous), laundry to do, a Viking to fuck, and a house to care for, my ass is going to cut back a little on my blogging time. I will still be visiting all my blog family's sites at least several times a week, but I am going to start randomly responding to comments, THOUGH I APPRECIATE EVERY SINGLE GODDAMN ONE. I REALLY FUCKING DO. I am still planning on posting pretty regularly. I know you are all breathing a sigh of relief right now.

Please don't get your damn feelings hurt if I don't respond to EVERY SINGLE morsel of a comment that you leave on my blog. I appreciate and will read EVERY SINGLE COMMENT, however, I am just easily stressed out, and something needs to go right now. SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE, MOTHERFUCKERS! And this is it. So please forgive me.

The Blog Spam this Morning Made Me Laugh

BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN Why American men should boycott American women http://boycottamericanwomen.blogspot.com/ I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women? American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least. This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women,
and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women. BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

Do you sense some anger here, or is it just me?

Ordering Coffee this Morning at the Starbucks Drive-Thru Window

I'd like a 20 oz. (fuck if I'm going to say Venti)--one black and one with a shitload of half n' half.

Uh . . . .

A Beautiful Exchange with a Blog Fan this Morning

Anonymous said...

when somebody gets a satifaction using this kind of language, it shows such a immaturity................

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Delete
Blogger Sarcastic Bastard said...

Anonymous,
And when somebody posts a comment anonymously and with such poor grammatical skills, it shows that they are not only a pussy, but have a very poor education.

Best,

SB

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Who Says McDonald's Is Bad for You?


This 100-year-old broad walkers her ass three miles to McDonald's every day for a damn free cheeseburger. SB LOVES the McDonald's! So don't you bitches be telling me it's bad for me. I can eat that shit and live to be 100. Count me in. RECIPE FOR LIFE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

SB Is in a Grouchy Shitty Tired Mood

And I don't feel like writing dick so far this week. If that changes, I'll post. If not, fuck that shit.


Tale of a Murdering Memaw

I kind of dig her. I wonder if she wants to adopt a grandkid?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Quote of the Damn Day: Lauren Bacall


The other night I was going into a doctor’s office, and some son of a bitch came out of the building, almost knocked me over. I said, ‘You’re a fucking ape!’—screaming at him. He never even turned around. Couldn’t care less, this big horse of a man.

[Ms. Bacall has a hip fracture currently and uses a walker to walk to her physical therapy appointment. The Moms says young people today have no gumption, and I think for the most part, she is right. Ms. Bacall obviously has loads of it, and I adore her.]

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Bourdain: A Man and His Meat (for Ms. Moon)

A One-Sided Conversation with Puppine

[Puppine (SB's small black cat) sat in the front window this morning, staring intently at a school bus.]

Do you want to go to school, Puppine? You could learn things like who the president is.

[Puppine starts to slowly and methodically lick her asshole.]

I guess if you met Barack Obama, you'd probably lick your asshole in front of him, too, huh? You'd be about that impressed.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I'm Stealing from Myself, My Beautiful Self

I read this old post of mine, and it made me laugh, so I figured I'd re-post the damn shit for you shiftless ungrateful bitches. I think my language is much cleaner nowadays, don't you? And yes, I laugh at my own blog material. Fuck you.

From the SB archives, motherfuckers:

You Know It's Almost Christmas When . . . .

Your ass has to chase a FED-EX driver down the street in your socks in the cocksucking snow to try to give him the package back that you signed for that you noticed after he left and was starting to drive off was actually for the cocksucker who formally occupied your dwelling place. [Note: This is the same cocksucker that you already have a package on your porch for that the motherfuckers from UPS dropped off while you were at work one day and you have started to contemplate opening and consuming because it's addressed from The fucking Popcorn Factory. This, despite the fact that popcorn is far from your favorite snack treat. You have just decided you will eat the festive corn out of fucking spite because you've had to deal with so much of the cocksucking former occupant's mail. THIS IS THE TOLL, you irresponsible no-forwarding-address motherfucker. You will not get to enjoy your popcorn.] Oh and this was after your rabid Diarrhetic not-right-in-the-head-half-blind watch dog kept lunging for the startled but relatively calm FED-EX guy at the door, but FED-EX guy was on his damn toes and averted tragedy by producing dog treats for said not-right-in-the-head dog and threw them into your foyer so that you could sign for the sonofabitching cocksucking package that wasn't in actuality yours and then proceed to run out into the snowy street in your stocking feet in order to try to flag the compassionate dog-treat-throwing motherfucking driver down and hand him back his cocksucking package that in actuality was for the no-forwarding-address former occupant motherfucker.

[originally] POSTED BY SARCASTIC BASTARD ON TUESDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2009

Shit Madoff Says

I understand that Bernie Madoff feared that his attendance at his son Mark's funeral would create "a media circus," and he said that would be cruel to his family. Unfuckingbelievable. I am continually astounded by the shit that comes out of his mouth. Can you imagine having that kind of sense of self-justification?

What a damn coward.

The rich liked the money they thought they were making while it was rolling in, so my concern is not so much with their plight, but I am totally sickened by the outcome of Bernie's actions on his children. Totally sickened and appalled.


Some Good News for the Week

Link to story: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1357443/OJ-Simpson-beaten-bloody-pulp-racist-jail-attack.html

Monday, February 14, 2011

I received an update on Dinh.

The information about suicide was incorrect. Thank God. Now they are saying it was likely an untreated ulcer that killed Dinh. He was even engaged to be married and about to start a new, promising job. I am just relieved that he was not lonely at the time of his death and that it was not suicide.

I will not be posting this week.

I just received word that a friend, a very sweet unselfish soul, who basically worked in order to send money back to the poor in his native country of Vietnam, committed suicide over the weekend. I had some of the best philosophical discussions of my life with Dinh. He was very wise, and I am heart sick. Please light a candle, say a prayer, or whatever you like, in memory of Dinh. He was a good Buddhist, a sweet soul, and a very good man. The world is a shittier place without him.

Thank you.

Friday, February 11, 2011

More Coco Wank Fodder

All I ask is that if you use my blog to jerk off, at least sign up to follow me. You're welcome, motherfuckers.

Some Damn Polish Motherfucker Is Using My Blog for a Damn WANK FEST

My posts about Coco's BIG fat ass were very popular with the wank crowd. Traffic is traffic. I guess I'm okay with that.

Blogs that Suck ASS

Link to trailer park food hell: http://blog.rachaelray.com/

This bitch looks like a damn chubby chipmunk, if you ask me.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Quote of the Damn Day: David Foster Wallace

Try as he might, he could not this last week help envisioning the inward lives of the older men to either side of him, doing this day after day. Getting up on a Monday and chewing their toast and putting their hats and coats on knowing what they were going out the door to come back to for eight hours. This was boredom beyond any boredom he’d ever felt.

Shit SB Says at a Dinner Party

I'm Irish on my grandmother's side. If there's no potatoes involved, I'm not interested.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Exactly Right

by Charles Bukowski

the strays keep arriving: now we have 5
cats and they are smart, spontaneous, self-
absorbed, naturally poised and awesomely
beautiful.

one of the finest things about cats is
that when you're feeling down, very down,
if you just look at the cat at rest,
at the way they sit or lie and wait,
it's a grand lesson in preserving
and
if you watch 5 cats at once that's 5
times better.

no matter the extra demands they make
no matter the heavy sacks of food
no matter the dozens of cans of tuna
from the supermarket: it's all just fuel for their
amazing dignity and their
affirmation of a vital
live
we humans can
only envy and
admire from
afar.

"exactly right" by Charles Bukowski, from The Night Torn with Mad Footsteps: New Poems. © Black Sparrow Press, 2001

NEW SB Feature: Blogs that Suck ASS

I want to get into a fight with Pioneer Woman.

http://thepioneerwoman.com/

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

Bukowski & friend.

This image is dedicated to all you tight-assed republican motherfuckers, who think the naked human body is dirty or some damn idiotic shit like that. Bukowski and I say, "Fuck you!"

Here's to hedonism, you bunch of repressed motherfuckers!

Some Observations About the Damn FOX Network Before the Damn Superbowl

I must say I found the reading of the Constitution by the football players (both former and current), along with common people across this great land of ours, very moving. But I had to tell the Viking that I thought there needed to be a "Tea Partier translation," because those dumb fucks so clearly don't understand what the Founding Fathers were ACTUALLY saying. I think we needed to bring the Constitution down to about a third-grade level in order for that bunch of damn morons to actually even begin to understand it. For the translation, maybe we could have had someone like George W. Bush read a translation written by James Carville or some shit.

I also found it ironic that the FOX Network put together that little inspiring film which included footage of people like JFK, John Lennon, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Bono and then had Michael Douglas narrate it. Need I point out that all these brilliant people are/were liberals to the network geniuses at FOX?

Shit SB Says

I prefer the company of cats to people. Except for the Viking. He's got a big dick, so that makes him worth hanging out with.

And No, I'm NOT Turning this Blog into a Damn Poetry Blog

Fuck you. I'll post whatever the hell I want.

The Moms is an alien. But I am not one of them.

THE ALIENS
from The Last Night of the Earth Poems

you may not believe it
but there are people
who go through life with
very little
friction of distress.
they dress well, sleep well.
they are contented with
their family
life.
they are undisturbed
and often feel
very good.
and when they die
it is an easy death, usually in their
sleep.

you may not believe
it
but such people do
exist.

but i am not one of
them.
oh no, I am not one of them,
I am not even near
to being
one of
them.
but they
are there

and I am
here.

--Charles Bukowski (again)

[This post is for Ms. Moon. She is not one of them either, so that puts me in VERY GOOD company.]

Bukowski Got It


Raja

my cats


I know. I know.
they are limited, have different
needs and
concerns.

but I watch and learn from them.
I like the little they know,
which is so
much.

they complain but never
worry,
they walk with a surprising dignity.
they sleep with a direct simplicity that
humans just can’t
understand.

their eyes are more
beautiful than our eyes.
and they can sleep 20 hours
a day
without
hesitation or
remorse.

when I am feeling
low
all I have to do is
watch my cats
and my
courage
returns.

I study these
creatures.

they are my
teachers.

--Charles Bukowski

Monday, February 7, 2011

Friday, February 4, 2011

Shit SB Says to Her Dear Friend, Denny

Intelligent life DOES exist somewhere in the galaxy, but we are NOT it.

I Can Tell It's Going to Be an Interesting Fucking Day

One of my spam blog comments began with this:

Is Bigfoot Real or faux?

Fuck if I know, man. It's too damn early to even contemplate that motherfucking shit. But if you ask my brother, Steve, his ass will tell you there are midgety-ass Bigfoots in the Pennsylvania woodlands.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Quote of the Damn Day from Shitmydadsays

"No aliens exist, I just don't think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby's."

Link to the whole ball of wax: http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Everything Is Fine, My Ass Is Just Uninspired

SB is just busy at work and burned out on the blog for now. I haven't even had much desire to read blogs of late. I'll be back when I'm inspired by something. I just didn't want you motherfuckers to worry.

Peace, love, and understanding. . . .

SB