The Famewhore Squirrel Welcomes Motherfuckers to Sarcastic Bastard

Shit SB E-mails to Ms. Moon

2012-05-25T11:18:00.003-04:00

I have this older guy I work with who paints as a hobby and then brings in his tragic artwork and displays it on his cube wall. Today (laugh) he brought in a painting of a plate with two burritos and rice and guacamole on it. For once, I wish I had a cell camera. It’s THAT bad. I am a two-faced asshole and always stop to gawk at the latest work (I can’t fucking help myself) and then have to compliment him on his painting skills. Because, I mean, what do you say about something that bad? Who is fucking inspired by a cheap Mexican plate with two burritos on it?

Yet Another Example of Why the Chinese Suck Ass

2012-05-22T14:28:00.000-04:00

Asshole motherfuckers.

Important Shit I E-mail to Ms. Moon

2012-05-17T11:53:00.000-04:00

Dr. Oz has a BIG pecker. It was in the English papers today. Not naked unfortunately. It was a pants-ed pecker sadly.

I found him more interesting taking a nap than most people are wide awake.

2012-04-26T14:20:00.003-04:00

I miss him damn near every day.

When Will You Die?

2012-04-16T15:06:00.001-04:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2129956/Dick-Cheneys-public-appearance-heart-transplant.html

Yesterday is not soon enough.

Shit SB E-mails Her Idol of Greatness, Ms. Moon

2012-04-16T14:09:00.005-04:00

I think Girl Scout cookies suck ass compared to when I was a kid. They always have Girl Scouts outside our Kroger, trying to guilt you out of your money on the way in and out of the market. I don’t like kids, so I just bare my teeth at them.

Also, little kids are always running up to me when I am walking Ginger or Kyle (The Viking's dog). They always want to "PET THE DOGGIE!” I lie and say they bite small children. I don’t want to be bothered.

The Chinese SUCK ASS

2012-04-16T13:57:00.000-04:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2130137/Tigers-horseback-chained-monkeys-riding-bicycles-Cruel-Chinese-circus-flouts-government-ban.html

I consider all cats my brothers. This is vile. Too bad the cat didn't get loose and eat the children.

CIRCUSES SUCK. CHINESE CIRCUSES SUCK TOTAL ASS.

Shit SB Says to a Co-Worker

2012-04-10T14:04:00.002-04:00

It's my birthday. I'm going to go out at lunch and get drunk and come back a hot mess.

Shit SB Says About a Picture of James Fucking Dean

2012-04-10T11:49:00.000-04:00

I am guessing by all the Tchotchkes that Jimmy was at his parent's farmhouse in this photo, although he was a gay man. Maybe he liked little ceramic birds and shit.

A Conversation

2012-04-04T14:56:00.011-04:00

That was one of the dwarf couple I told you about, who live here in town, in the passenger seat of the car that just went by.

You’re shitting me. I thought it was just a really old-looking little kid. I thought you were making that town dwarf shit up. I thought that was an Urban Legend.

“We are the loly-pop kids. The loly-pop kids.”

Hey, that shit’s not funny. Okay, it sort of is.

Carol has been inside their house, and everything is made to scale, even the shitter. Can you imagine your six-foot ass trying to take a dump in there?

The male dwarf writes police departments around the country to try and get them to send him free shirt patches. It’s his hobby. He’s got a collection.

I’m sure he does. Motherfucker could sew one police patch on the front of an infant’s fucking t- shirt and have a cheap, yet smart-looking shirt, to impress his dwarf friends. Or, alternately, he could sew four of the fucking patches together and make a damn tent. Even dwarves like camping. Can you imagine? Half a can a beer and the little midget fucker would be lit. Now that’s a cheap date.

Shit SB Says to Her Idol of GREATNESS, Ms. Moon

2012-03-27T09:16:00.002-04:00

I’ve got an idea for a new MTV show called Cheney Death Watch/House Party. Me and the kids from Jersey Shore will party together every week until he dies, and then we’ll have a REALLY BIG PARTY. Whaddya think?

Shit SB Says

2012-03-20T08:29:00.003-04:00

I don't care about the back of my hair. I don't have to look at it, so I could give a shit.

More Shit SB Says

2012-02-16T15:39:00.002-05:00

We are the only species that offs itself, but we have opposable thumbs. We have that going for us.

Shit SB Says to Her Idol of Beauty, Ms. Moon

2012-02-16T15:37:00.002-05:00

I love the part about Ed writing little notes telling people who collected his junk to get a life. My grandfather, who was a total grouch, used to bitch out the people who came in to his carryout and bought cheap beer. I told him: Well, you carry it. You shouldn’t carry shitty beer if you don’t want them buying it. He called one regular customer cheap to his face. Can you see why I have no inheritance?

Fuck You BP for Your Patronizing Attitude Towards the Southern People

2012-01-08T12:11:00.006-05:00

BP thinks the southern people are dumb or have REALLY short memories. Every time I see this ad, I get so mad, I could spit nails. I will NEVER EVER purchase gas from BP. We know what you did, you greedy capitalist fuckers. Your commercial is insulting as fuck. It just rubs salt in the wound.

Aren't y'all sweet BP to have done all of this to help us poor dumb southerners out? Aw shucks. Thanks BP!

I'm still bleeding a little from being fucked in the ass. Maybe y'all can make another commercial about how I ought to be grateful for that, too.

Happy Holidays to All My Motherfuckers!

2011-12-23T13:37:00.000-05:00

I promised I would still post from time to time. So, here it is bitches! I did not lie to my peeps.

I just want to wish all of you and yours a VERY happy holiday season and the best goddamn new year EVER. I think we all deserve it.

Love,

SB

A Christmas Exchange While Out Walking the Dog the Other Night

2011-12-23T13:27:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas!

Lady, I know you mean well, but I'm about as Christian as Jesus's right nut.

Well, there's no need to be profane about it.

Shit SB Says in an E-mail to Ms. Moon

2011-12-23T13:20:00.001-05:00

I just said something positive in the hallway to the arrogant son-of-a-bitch I can’t stand. I’ve done my Christmas duty. I even smiled at the fucker.

The Moms Thinks the Damn Spirit Guides Are Coming to Get Her

2011-11-11T09:41:00.003-05:00

I was telling Ms. Moon that the Moms was shopping at Marshall's yesterday and noticed a cart needing to pass coming up behind her. The Moms turned around to let the man with the cart pass, and he was a young Pakistani/Indian man, and he asked the Moms: Do you believe in angels or spirit guides?

Well I think I have said before that Moms think angels are a load of damn hooey and something about them actively angers her. So before she could answer, the young man said: Because you’re surrounded by them.

The Moms was in total fucking shock. She replied: Well, I guess I am lucky. And the young man said: No, you are blessed. And with that, he turned and left.

Because I know about the Mom’s special angel aversion, she called to tell me about her encounter, and her voice was really upset and shaky. At first, I thought something had happened to Daddums or that she'd been robbed or in an accident or some shit. She said she was just in shock. I told her I thought maybe the young man was a messenger of some sort.

Ms. Moon's reply to the situation cracked me up. See below.

Your poor mom. Look- crazy people can look sane. I had a guy tell me once that I was surrounded by loving spirits of black labs or something like that and I've never owned a black lab in my life and don't care for dogs. But hell- if she's surrounded by spirits then that's great and she doesn't need to change a thing because they've always been there, most likely.

My response to Ms. Moon's reply below.

I will tell mom about the loving spirits of black labs thing. That will crack her up. The whole thing sort of weirded her out—like the angels are coming to take her away or some shit. I had to try to calm her down. She goes from zero belief in angels to actively FEARING them. Thanks Pakistani guy! He probably thought he was being helpful.

Shit SB Types in Her Ritual Morning E-mail to the Damn Goddess, Ms. Moon

2011-11-11T09:26:00.000-05:00

Jesus H. I was saying, before the motherfucker sent, that I thought you might have read late and slept in. GOOD FOR YOU!

Ginger kept fucking slurp/licking all night, so I was awakened like 40 cocksucking times! Motherfucker is sleeping downstairs tonight, and all the motherfucking pussies too. Puppine kept trying to get in the boxes in the bedroom. How can a bitch get good sleep when a bitch is awakened 97 times a night? I ask you.

Quote of the Damn Day: Peter Tosh

2011-11-11T09:11:00.000-05:00

Peace is the diploma you get in the cemetery.

I miss him. I love him. And he is on my mind this morning.

2011-11-11T09:10:00.001-05:00

The silhouette is unmistakable, isn't it? And don't start with the child molester shit, because like Liz Taylor, I don't believe one damn word of it. Mike was my generation's Sinatra. I literally grew up with him, and I find it terribly sad that the younger generation only thinks of him as this weird child perv.

I could watch Michael dance for hours on end, and I will be sad about Michael until I go wherever he's at now. I wish him peace.

I wish Eleanor Jeffery so much more than luck.

2011-11-10T15:56:00.002-05:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2059505/Why-doctors-death-sentence-wont-stop-marrying-man-I-adore.html

NEWSFLASH: Madonna's Still a Pain-in-the-Ass

2011-11-10T15:38:00.003-05:00

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2060020/Madonna-I-Lourdes-hard-time-shes-lazy-writer.html

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay? Pirate Pussy!

2011-11-10T15:06:00.000-05:00