Saturday, May 27, 2017

La Mejor Response

This is my new favorite response to pretty much everythingBitch, don't kill my vibe! 

Donald Trump, you fucker, don't kill my vibe! (Too late.)

Church Sign Re-write

Church Sign: There is someone who is happy with less than what you have.

SB Rewrite: Somewhere there is a happy dumbass.

Random Observation

If you have a Fitbit in the Midwest, you're a fucking lardass. GUARANTEED.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Anonymous Warns World to Prepare for World War 3

I think everyone should be aware of this (see link below). Okay, let me rephrase that -- I think my two faithful readers should be aware of this. Thanks for your loyalty!

There are few groups I trust more than Anonymous. I certainly do not trust our government. AT ALL.


Thursday, November 10, 2016

It was an election of the under-educated, by the under-educated, for the under-educated.

And here's the main thought keeping me up at night: Donald Trump has "the football." Yeah, that's a great idea.

Heaven knows we're miserable now.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

The Purpose of Existence

I think we're put here to love each other, but then hell is other people, so good luck.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Deep Thought of the Week, Month, Year. . . .

NOTE: Look, who knows when I may ever have another deep thought. Maybe I'll only have one this year. I can't be your guru, motherfuckers. You have to think for yourselves! DO THE WORK.

I feel sorry for cats, because they have to lick their own asses, even when they have diarrhea. 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Worst Album Covers of All Time: Orion

I'm just damn saying . . . .

Actually, I just watched a documentary on Orion, who I'd never fucking heard of, and it was pretty damn entertaining. I'm unemployed now so I've got time for shit like bad cable.

SB's favorite line from the documentary: "Do you think they'd interrupt a Garth Brooks session for a tour? Shit no, they wouldn't." Orion just got no respect--obviously those fuckers at Sun Records just didn't recognize glittery special talent when they saw it. Shit fucking no.

I also cried a little when I heard the line, "At 48, most musical careers are over at that time. Jimmy (Orion) didn't understand that." Goddamn it, SB is 49, and I thought I could go out and kick off a musical career at any damn time. It was in the back of my mind for a go-to next job. I'll get over it eventually, but right now, my dreams are a little bit shattered, and I'll have to return the sequined jacket and mask I bought on ebay.

Check it out, motherfuckers: because we all get enjoyment out of cheap glittery has-beens. Okay, just the meanest of us do. Whatever.

Friday, August 28, 2015

The Australian Government Is about to Commit a Heinous Act

As usual, I wholeheartedly agree with Morrissey, and I am so sickened now. See below. From the truly excellent Morrissey site,

Morrissey and Australia

Morrissey is aware that the Australian government has decided to kill 2 million street/feral cats. Morrissey has commented:

"We all know that the idiots rule the Earth, but this is taking idiocy just too far. The cats (who keep the rodent population under control) will be killed in a ferocious manner, using Compound 10/80, which is a gut-wrenching poison of the most unimaginable and lengthy horror. The people of Australia would never agree to this - but of course they will not be consulted, because the Australian government as ruled by Tony Abbott is essentially a committee of sheep-farmers who have zero concerns about animal welfare or animal respect. The cats are, in fact, 2 million smaller versions of Cecil The Lion. All I can say is ... come, come, nuclear bomb ... "

Pasadena, August 2015

Photograph above of Morrissey's cat by Sam Esty Rayner. The collar is not 'leather' (animal).

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Dentist Walter Palmer of MN is the BIGGEST CUNT EVER!

DISCLAIMER: This is Sarcastic Bastard's opinion ONLY (even though it is totally on-point as usual).

Here is a link to the whole wretched article:

From the article: "Researchers at Hwange National Park had fitted Cecil with a tracking collar but it appears the hunter removed the collar and attempted to destroy any evidence. 

An investigation is currently underway to find the hunter (found him! phone number below), who spent two days tracking the great beast after failing in his initial attempt to kill the lion. 

Cecil was one of the park's oldest lions and was well known for his striking looks and friendly nature. According to local legend, Cecil was kicked out of his pride and wandered alone until he met another lone lion called Jericho.

Cecil and Jericho both had a pride, comprised of six lionesses and several young cubs, situated in the park. 

With the death of Cecil, the future of the cubs are now thought to be at risk. The cubs could be killed if the pride is taken over by another male lion."

And here is Jolly Walt the Heap Big Hunter's office phone number, where you can call and voice your outrage and displeasure: (952)884-5361, as I certainly will.

And, finally, here is a photo of the carnage (Imbecile Walter is on the left of the other grinning imbecile):

I do NOT jest when I say that I wish Jolly Walt the Heap Big Hunter THE WORST kind of death. Cancer would be TOO GOOD for him. And may Cecil get to devour Idiot Walter's entrails unto eternity! FUCK YOU WALT!

With hatred, spite, and malice,

 Jolly SB & Cecil (who I sincerely wish had eaten you, Walt, you asshole)

Monday, June 29, 2015

My Cousin Chris and I Had the Most Retardational Drunken Fight in THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD over the Weekend (excerpt below)

SB: So, you mean you love unborn babies more than me?


SB: Let me get this straight--you love a fucking fetus more than me? I'm going home, goddammit!

A Conversation About Home Funerals and Cotton Balls

I've decided that if something happens to me before you go, I want a home funeral. You might have to shove some cotton balls or a tampon up my ass to prevent anal leakage though. It happens.


Look it up, asshole.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

A Discourse

Why do the fattest fucking people always own the tiniest cars?

Uhhhhhh. . . maybe it's because they buy extra food with all that money they save on gas? How the shit should I know, do I look like fucking Dr. Oz, motherfucker?

Ms. Moon (the Idol of My Wretched Life) Asked My Fat White Ass to Post this Shit Again. Ho-Fucking-Ho.

Grandma Peg and the Humbel Nativity 

My Grandma Peg LOVED Christmas. LOVED IT. She was nearly giddy with the glee of the damn season (SB calls it the Season of Darkness, so obviously my ass did not take after her. Also, Grandma had really big boobs, and I didn't get those either.).

Anyhoo, Peg loved Hummel figurines, which she called, Humbels, due to a slight hearing problem. (Yeah, and Elvis was Alvin Prescott, as you'll possibly fucking remember from an earlier post, but whatever. . .).

Grandma's ass splurged one year and bought herself the ENTIRE fucking Humbel Nativity. That shit was quite costly, as there is no accounting for taste, and Precious Moments figures were expensive once, too, right? Hummels and the Precious Moments make SB want to gag and bust them up WITH A FUCKING HAMMER, but again, I digress.

Before I go further, I should explain that my tiny southern grandmother was known for her eccentric decorating taste (she even wallpapered the backs of doors), and frankly, she had some fucking weird ideas about what went together. Also, a lot of her house looked like a fucking French whore house, but to her, that was GRAND DECOR, motherfuckers. That shit was posh.

Anyhoo, after purchasing the damn nativity, Grandma decided that her precious fucking manger was not showy enough and that the Baby Jesus should be spotlighted like a Barrymore in a play. After all, his infantile ass was supposed to be holy and worshipped by the animals and the damn Wise Men. He was THE POINT. He was THE STAR.

Grandma rigged a fucking Maglite to the roof of the manger, and SB's brother, Steve, would not stop making remarks and laughing about it. "Jesus Christ, Grandma, the Baby Jesus is going to be blind. How will he perform miracles WHEN HE'S BLIND?"

After that, undaunted by my brother's mirth, Grandma decided that the Humbel nativity didn't come with enough lowing beasts, so she bought some ill-sized cheap porcelain add-on animal figures that looked like they might eat the poor blinded Baby Jesus and worshipping Wise Men.

Well, of course, Peg thought that shit was JUST GREAT! Her manger would be the envy of the neighbourhood! She was SO PROUD of that cocksucking nativity, it was unbelievable. It had pride of place in the living room.

Note: My Aunt M. has the infamous nativity now and displays it every year, replete with the damn Maglite, which my brother still has to make rude comments about.