Big Squat: Post Dedicated to My Brother

I just read this really funny story on a Bigfoot conference by Eric Spitznagel of Vonnegut's Asshole. Of course, every time I see a TV show or read an article on Bigfoot/Sasquatch, I have to think of my brother, Steve.

Steve swears to this day that he encountered a miniature Bigfoot when he was out roaming the woods as a boy, hunting. It's become something of a family joke, and we are always giving Steve a hard time over encountering Little Big Squat.

I don't know what my brother saw on that day in the woods. I'm making no judgements on that shit. Only he knows. Well, obviously Little Big Squat, who now may be a grown Sasquatch, also knows. Do you suppose that big hairy fucker is still wondering what the hell he saw that day in the woods? (I'm talking Sasquatch, not Steve, here, people. Stay with me, it's not that hard!)

Anyhoo, this post is dedicated to Steve, who is WAY TOO DAMN FAR AWAY in Massachusetts now, with his cherubic daughter and sweet, good-humored, long-suffering wife, Beth. And frankly, I fucking hate it.

Here is an excerpt from Spitznagel's article, in case some of you motherfuckers are too damn lazy to click on the link at the bottom of this entry to read the entire article.

Fahrenbach went into great detail about the sexual habits of a Sasquatch. As it turns out, Bigfoot doesn't just have a healthy libido, he's also a filthy pervert. Fahrenbach claimed that the creature has been observed spying on human women in the shower, and would cry loudly if his view was obstructed. He also described their fondness for gangbangs, assuring us that even a horny Sasquatch has impeccably good manners when it comes to orgy etiquette.

"When an especially large male came onto the scene," Fahrenbach said, describing a sexual pileup involving one willing female and lots of dudes, "he didn't try to buck the line but simply stood there and took his turn in good time."

Somewhere in the back row, a woman turned to her husband and whispered, "I can't tell if he's kidding."

Link to Spitznagel's Bigfoot conference story: http://vonnegutsasshole.blogspot.com/2009/01/everythings-bigfoot-in-texas.html

Excerpt from Vonnegut's Asshole: Andy

This is an excerpt from Eric Spitznagel and Vonnegut's Asshole that I particularly enjoyed. When I brought it over, the paragraph structure was fucked up. I'll do the best I can with it. Enjoy and have a great weekend, people!

[Excerpt]

There was this kid that lived in my neighborhood. Andy, I think his name was. He wasn't technically retarded, but he did act a little bizarre. He had water on the brain or something. He had to wear a bike helmet all the time because his head was so huge.

Our parents told us, "Be nice to Andy because the doctors don't expect him to live very long."

But we didn't need a reason to treat Andy as a friend. He was always very sweet, if a little slow. And his mother gave him copies of Playboy Magazine - I assume because she thought he was going to die soon and would never have the chance to see real boobies - and Andy let us look at them.

When I got too old to deliver newspapers anymore, Andy took over for me, even though he could barely ride a bike without falling. During his first year, I'm not exactly sure what happened, but he got hit by truck. It wasn't fatal, thank god, but it gave his parents a scare. They wanted him to give up the paper route, but he refused. He just loved it too much.

Exactly one year later, Andy got into another accident with yet another truck. Once again, he walked away with just a few bumps and bruises, but that wasn't the remarkable part anymore. I mean really, what are the odds of getting hit by two trucks in two years?

My family eventually moved to the suburbs of Chicago, but we still visited our old neighborhood every summer. During one trip - I think it was my summer break from college - I ran into Andy again, and I was shocked that he was still alive. We'd been told he wouldn't survive junior high school, but here he was in his early 20s, still bouncing with energy and wearing that same battered bicycle helmet.

The doctors were perplexed, but everybody in town thought it was a miracle. I said hello to Andy and asked him how he was. He smiled at me with a big impish grin and said, "I got hit by a truck!" As I learned later, Andy was still delivering papers and had been involved in a head-on collision - always with a truck - every year for almost a decade. The locals had come to expect it."Andy's been hit by another truck? Well, spring must be just around the corner."

Somehow he always survived without any serious injuries, which just made his stubborn refusal to die prematurely, as his doctors had predicted, all the more freaky.

Last year I heard that he'd been hit by another truck - no surprises there - but this time it had killed him. I'm not sure of the exact tally, but I think it took around twenty-three truck collisions to finally finish the job. So much for being a miracle of science, huh?

(Pause, waits for laugh.)

Yeah, uh... I guess that's kinda sad. It seemed funny at the time.

Vonnegut's Asshole

I ran across a blog titled Vonnegut's Asshole (wish I'd thought of it myself). Of course, I had to check it out. It is by a guy named Eric Spitznagel. It just so happens that the entry I read is one of the funniest, most enjoyable reads SB has had in awhile. I will be reading this guy's blog regularly.

If you care to check it out, here is the link: http://vonnegutsasshole.blogspot.com/2008/11/everything-was-beautiful-and-nothing.html

Very highly recommended.