Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Big Squat: Post Dedicated to My Brother

I just read this really funny story on a Bigfoot conference by Eric Spitznagel of Vonnegut's Asshole. Of course, every time I see a TV show or read an article on Bigfoot/Sasquatch, I have to think of my brother, Steve.

Steve swears to this day that he encountered a miniature Bigfoot when he was out roaming the woods as a boy, hunting. It's become something of a family joke, and we are always giving Steve a hard time over encountering Little Big Squat.

I don't know what my brother saw on that day in the woods. I'm making no judgements on that shit. Only he knows. Well, obviously Little Big Squat, who now may be a grown Sasquatch, also knows. Do you suppose that big hairy fucker is still wondering what the hell he saw that day in the woods? (I'm talking Sasquatch, not Steve, here, people. Stay with me, it's not that hard!)

Anyhoo, this post is dedicated to Steve, who is WAY TOO DAMN FAR AWAY in Massachusetts now, with his cherubic daughter and sweet, good-humored, long-suffering wife, Beth. And frankly, I fucking hate it.

Here is an excerpt from Spitznagel's article, in case some of you motherfuckers are too damn lazy to click on the link at the bottom of this entry to read the entire article.

Fahrenbach went into great detail about the sexual habits of a Sasquatch. As it turns out, Bigfoot doesn't just have a healthy libido, he's also a filthy pervert. Fahrenbach claimed that the creature has been observed spying on human women in the shower, and would cry loudly if his view was obstructed. He also described their fondness for gangbangs, assuring us that even a horny Sasquatch has impeccably good manners when it comes to orgy etiquette.

"When an especially large male came onto the scene," Fahrenbach said, describing a sexual pileup involving one willing female and lots of dudes, "he didn't try to buck the line but simply stood there and took his turn in good time."

Somewhere in the back row, a woman turned to her husband and whispered, "I can't tell if he's kidding."

Link to Spitznagel's Bigfoot conference story:

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