Hello, my dahlings. I hope the holiday weekend treated all of you well. And for my dear English and French friends, I just hope all y'all had wonderful, lovely weekends in general.
I took yesterday off work and didn't take my damn laptop home all weekend. It was a refreshing change. Hence, the lack of posts. I know how
disappointed all you
motherfuckers were, but dammit, SB needed some downtime. It ain't easy being me. In fact, it's a full-time, very stressful job.
My dear friend's cat is visiting this week, while her ass is on
vacay, so, since the goddamn moggy is nocturnal, the sleeping has been a challenge for SB (and also for Ginger, who barks
everygoddamntime the cat's tinkle collar makes a sound).
Potato (the visiting feline), as I said, has a damn tinkle collar (basically a collar with a bell), and all night (off and on)
SB's ass is awakened by the tinkle collar, jingling the fuck around. Now, I know what you're thinking--
hey dumb ass, why don't you just take the damn collar off? This is
understandable on your part, dear reader. Well, for some reason (it's a damn breakaway collar) that shit was a bit of a challenge. BUT I GOT VERY DESPERATE LAST NIGHT. So I found a way.
There is always a way if you are desperate enough, motherfuckers! Never forget that.
Actually, I had visions of cutting the pink-fucking-collar up into
littletinypieces and flattening the goddamn jingle bell with a hammer and returning all the various pieces to my friend in a baggy, but when deprived of sleep, my ass suddenly became VERY RESOURCEFUL, and I managed to get the
motherfucker off. So there's that. SB is
tarhed today.
Veddy tarhed.
Yesterday, the Moms and I got a wild hair up our asses and went to Yellow Springs, Ohio, for the day. Yellow Springs is a friendly little artsy-
fartsy crafty
hippy town off the beaten trail that is most famous for Antioch College and for being the hometown (and current home) of the comedian Dave
Chappelle. We love Dave around these parts, so don't be putting any snide or negative comments about him on this blog OR ELSE!
Anyhoo, the Moms and I went into the
Olde Trail tavern to have an icy cold brew, and when I went to pay the VERY TALL bartender, the
motherfucker slipped on something and went down like a log. I mean in a flash, the unfortunate
motherfucker just disappeared on the floor behind the bar. You couldn't even see the top of his noggin. It was great! (Note: He was uninjured, but highly embarrassed.) You always have an interesting tale to tell when you visit Yellow Springs. It is an OFFICIAL Sarcastic Bastard recommended vacation destination.
[Note: Why is my first reaction to laugh when an unfortunate
motherfucker falls? Maybe it's the
patheticness of human frailty. Or maybe it's just the fact that Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin made it funny to fall. And it IS fucking funny.
Never forget that.]
The Japanese people and SB have A LOT in common. We all love Elvis and sake and Hello Kitty! I know I am speaking on behalf of millions of people I don't know personally, but that's okay. Those fuckers are lucky to have SB as a spokesperson.
