Tuesday, July 7, 2009

SB's Ass Is Reporting for Duty, Motherfuckers

Hello, my dahlings. I hope the holiday weekend treated all of you well. And for my dear English and French friends, I just hope all y'all had wonderful, lovely weekends in general.

I took yesterday off work and didn't take my damn laptop home all weekend. It was a refreshing change. Hence, the lack of posts. I know how disappointed all you motherfuckers were, but dammit, SB needed some downtime. It ain't easy being me. In fact, it's a full-time, very stressful job.

My dear friend's cat is visiting this week, while her ass is on vacay, so, since the goddamn moggy is nocturnal, the sleeping has been a challenge for SB (and also for Ginger, who barks everygoddamntime the cat's tinkle collar makes a sound).

Potato (the visiting feline), as I said, has a damn tinkle collar (basically a collar with a bell), and all night (off and on) SB's ass is awakened by the tinkle collar, jingling the fuck around. Now, I know what you're thinking--hey dumb ass, why don't you just take the damn collar off? This is understandable on your part, dear reader. Well, for some reason (it's a damn breakaway collar) that shit was a bit of a challenge. BUT I GOT VERY DESPERATE LAST NIGHT. So I found a way. There is always a way if you are desperate enough, motherfuckers! Never forget that.

Actually, I had visions of cutting the pink-fucking-collar up into littletinypieces and flattening the goddamn jingle bell with a hammer and returning all the various pieces to my friend in a baggy, but when deprived of sleep, my ass suddenly became VERY RESOURCEFUL, and I managed to get the motherfucker off. So there's that. SB is tarhed today. Veddy tarhed.

Yesterday, the Moms and I got a wild hair up our asses and went to Yellow Springs, Ohio, for the day. Yellow Springs is a friendly little artsy-fartsy crafty hippy town off the beaten trail that is most famous for Antioch College and for being the hometown (and current home) of the comedian Dave Chappelle. We love Dave around these parts, so don't be putting any snide or negative comments about him on this blog OR ELSE!

Anyhoo, the Moms and I went into the Olde Trail tavern to have an icy cold brew, and when I went to pay the VERY TALL bartender, the motherfucker slipped on something and went down like a log. I mean in a flash, the unfortunate motherfucker just disappeared on the floor behind the bar. You couldn't even see the top of his noggin. It was great! (Note: He was uninjured, but highly embarrassed.) You always have an interesting tale to tell when you visit Yellow Springs. It is an OFFICIAL Sarcastic Bastard recommended vacation destination.

[Note: Why is my first reaction to laugh when an unfortunate motherfucker falls? Maybe it's the patheticness of human frailty. Or maybe it's just the fact that Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin made it funny to fall. And it IS fucking funny. Never forget that.]

21 comments:

Syd said...

Funny stuff SB. You have a way of telling a story that makes me laugh every time. Did you know that Yellow Springs is where I get my YSI instruments for water quality? So I totally agree that Yellow Springs is cool.

Ms. Moon said...

And why is it so embarrassing for the one who falls? It's like we made a mistake in gravity or something. DAMN!
Glad you're back, SB.
Glad you had a time with your mama.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
That's really great. I didn't think anyone out of state would have heard of the place, other than perhaps in affiliation with the college.

I am happy to make you laugh, kind sir. Thank you for reading.

Love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Ms. Moon,
It SURE AS HELL is embarrassing to fall.

Much love to you and thank you for reading,

SB

Steph said...

I was just thinking about gravity two seconds ago. I go up and down the stairs at work for exercise, and I can only imagine the beef they would have with it being a liability. So I was thinking I could always sue the universe for creating gravity if I did fall and break my neck.

All This Trouble... said...

Some people fall every day and some only every once in awhile. I wonder which he was?

Alec Beattie said...

Many years ago I laughed at an old woman who fell in Clydebank shopping centre (Mall). The old cow chased me!
Then, one Christmas eve, I saw another old lady fall in a car park. Her frail, old husband tried to pick her wee fat arse up, but he fell on top of her!!!
I was as funny as fuck!!!
I'm going to hell.....

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Steph,
I like the way you think!

Love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

All This Trouble,
I couldn't say. That is a good question however.

Much love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Alec,
I think you and I have what are called "mean" senses of humour. No wonder we're friends.

Love,

SB

Lady Lemon said...

SB - I love the idea of naming a cat "potato". That's genius.

Also, people falling is just fucking funny. I even laugh when it's me falling, which makes me feel like slightly less of a bitch when I do it to others.

And, Dave Chappelle? I love that MF. Have you gotten to see him live? If so, you may color me jealous.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Lady Lemon,
No, I have not had the opportunity to see Dave live. I wish. That shit's on the to-do list, woman.

I get angry when I fall, mostly because it's embarrassing and some smart-ass motherfucker always laughs or makes some sort of comment that they think is funny as hell. Hey, I never said I was fair. I laugh when others fall, but get mad when that shit happens to moi.

Lou said...

Well, you sure make Yellow Springs sound like a fun place!

jrains80 said...

Thanks for the laugh--don't know which was funnier--the image of you smashing the cat's tinkle bell and cutting the collar to pieces or the dude falling.
Love ya,
Jenn

Nellie said...

Hey SB - Thanks for keeping tabs on my uneventful life. Glad you think the new do is acceptable. I respect your opinion. I have the feeling you'd be honest.
Who the hell doesn't laugh when someone non-fatally wounds themselves? Stuffy McStuffy's maybe.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Lou, it is indeed a fun place. Come visit lovely Ohio, and I will give you the whole damn tour.

Jenn, love you back. Thanks for reading, as ever.

Nellie, my dear, your life is far more interesting than mine (which is WAY dull). It is my pleasure to read your blog. You are a really good writer and you're rocking that new do, girl!

Fishwhiskers said...

Oiiiiiii where did ya get that pic of me from??? hahahaha luv ya xxx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Fishy,
SB loves you back! I hope you are feeling better.

Sasha (Malchik Gai) said...

Man, I'm late for the party.Glad you got a little break in there somewhere. Yellow Springs is really nice. There used to be some great magickal shoppes there if you were into that sort of thing. Though I've no idea about now. They have local greenhouses that grow some amazingly beautiful flowers for local florists. Support local business buy locally grown and produced products. If you're ever there in the Fall, Young's has the very best home made pumpkin icecream known to mankind. I attempted to go to Wright state for acting. We often went to Yellow Springs on weekends as a cultural sort of thing. Plus there's just not that much to do in Dayton if you're a broke assed college kid. blah, came to comment and left a "my life in college, synopsis" Sorry, I added to the comments to the schmuck on Shanes blog too. He's too awesome to have some asshole say stuff like that.
Hugz man, sorry so verbose tonight.
Malchik S

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Malchik,
I've had the pumpkin ice cream at Young's Dairy. You are so right. It rocks.

I am always glad to hear from you. Never apologize for comment length. That's why I write, so I can hear from my friends in the comments section.

Love you always,

SB

Fishwhiskers said...

SB ... I am rocking :D Hope ur feeling chipper too. xxx

P.S. had to laugh ... word verification today is "etousler"