Friday, July 31, 2009

I Totally Ripped this Shit Off

I totally ripped this shit off from Awkward Family Photos, a site I love, but my ass couldn't resist. I just renamed the photo DORK when I saved it.

When SB was young, my ass was enrolled in ballet and acrobat classes [the Moms wouldn't let me do tap because it was too noisy and might scuff up her floors, so she basically stunted my personal growth in favor or her linoleum], and I did a TA-DA pose just like the geek above. I really only went to classes because I wanted to be in the dance recital at the end of the year. The year's hard work was worth it to get to wear the damn costume, people! And if you don't understand that, then I can't help your sorry asses. Clearly you were not named after Cher, like SB.

There is a picture on my refrigerator still of SB all decked out in said costume, doing the EXACT SAME POSE as the dork. So, I can sort of understand the glee. [The Dork's ass sort of reminds me of Olivia Newton-John getting physical, except that she'd need a good set of tits (or at least SOME tits) and an entire new face and blond hair. Nope, I guess it was just the headband that reminded me of Olivia.]

In SB's photo on the fridge, my face says a sort of grumpy TA-DA MOTHERFUCKERS! HERE I AM. WORSHIP ME. I felt like the sorry small town motherfuckers in the audience were DAMN LUCKY that I took the time out to entertain their sorry uncultured asses. They got to see SB's GREAT TALENT in its infancy.

In our small town, dance classes were taught by Ms. Margaret. She was a redhead, and her claim to fame was that she once danced in Hollywood (or fucked somebody in Hollywood--I can't remember--maybe both). Also, her niece dated Poncho from CHIPS for awhile, but they broke up. There were Erik Estrada sightings and much excitement in Brookville for one thrilling weekend, I can tell you. DID YOU SEE ERIK ESTRADA??? HE WAS AT THE CAR WASH! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I GOT HIS AUTOGRAPH! HE WAS SO NICE! HIS TEETH ARE SO WHITE, THEY LIKED TO BLINDED ME! HE POSED FOR A PITURE WITH MY GRANDBABIES! WASN'T THAT SWEET? [Jesus fucking H.]

Anyhoo, Ms. Margaret (and don't call her ass Mrs. or Miss Margaret, because your ass would get your shit rebuked) was a little on the plump side and a tad long in the tooth when she taught SB's ass, but it was rumoured that she was a rounder in her day. Bitch had a love life.

She was overall a lovely woman, but you did NOT want to cross Ms. Margaret! She'd raised enough of her own brats that she was not TAKING ANY SHIT from a bunch of smart-assed midget dancers. She was even rumoured to spank occasionally. SB was a pussy and did not risk her wrath. I was not a DEFIANT MOTHERFUCKER like I am today. My societal rebellion came somewhat later in life.

I'm sorry to say that I believe Ms. Margaret is dead now, but her dance studio is still the only game in town. I don't know who the fuck runs that shit. They will never again see talent like SB's, though. That much I can tell you.

8 comments:

Alec Beattie said...

Er...what's the small, pale object at the top of her left leg?
I hope that's a small tear in her stockings and NOT one of her/his balls.

honeyluna said...

This post cracked me up. Well, to tell the truth, all the ones I just read did.
Coming from a girl with a family full of intellectual cursers, I must say that you use your expletives really goddamn well!

So I really like this picture you have up here, but now that I've read this post, I would really like to see your picture. Any possibility of that happening? If not, at least you described it really well.

Oh, and my mama will be back very soon. Don't you fret any more!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Alec,
I think it's part of the crotch lining of the leotard turned out, you BIG PERVERT.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Honeyluna,
We'll work on that picture. I don't have a digital camera or even a cell phone (because I am camera phobic and hate fucking phones of all kinds--especially cells).

Thanks for WORD UP on your Mama. I MISS MS. MOON SO! My ass is a pine-ing.

Love you. Have a FANFUCKINGTASTIC weekend, you chicken Mama, you.

SB

sKILLz said...

YOOOOOOO I JUST found that site YESTERDAY!!
I SWEAR!
OMFG those people, WTF are they thinking?!!?
Your being nice today, because I KNOW you could have posted a SHIT LOAD of pix from that site!
OMFG there CRAZY!

People you NEED to check out that site.
Fucking SB man I was going to make a blog about it today and here you go beating me to it.
Alight game on homie!
Stay Up!

birdpress said...

I have to admit, I also noticed the thing in her crotch but thought it looked like a pantiliner. I want to see your pic too!!!

Lady Lemon said...

I thought that "thing" was a lose pad "wing" ala Always. Apparently we are all perverts around here. Why does that not surprise me?

YES, SB!! Picture!!

Syd said...

I don't know SB but the photo of the woman in tights that you posted kinda made me shrink if you get my drift. I'm sure your days with Ms. Margaret were great. Maybe it was that Hollywood starlet Ann Margret?