Tuesday, July 28, 2009

One Nice Person, One Asshole

Don't your asses be making fun of Tammy Faye! I'm not in a mood to entertain that shit today. Okay, we start with a warning, because my ass is crabby this morning. OOOOHHH, that shit rhymed really good. I was rapping there, people! I have missed my calling. Somebody give my ass a recording contract QUICK!

Anyhoo, over the weekend SB rented the documentary, The Eyes of Tammy Faye. I highly recommend that shit. You know SB has a thing for overly-made up bewigged Christian women. One of my favorites in THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD is Jan Crouch. I especially dig the hot pink wig! Sometimes Jan and I get all worked up and cry together. (At one point, Jan lost her joy and couldn't find it.) That shit sort of bonds two people--depression and crying together. SB is Jan Crouch's #1 fan. I mean that shit, too, goddamnit.

Anyhoo--I digress--The Eyes of Tammy Faye illustrated what a PIG Jerry Falwell was. I already didn't like him for his views on gay people--evidently, AIDS was a plague from God because being gay is a sin--OOOOHHH THAT SHIT MAKES SB MAD!!!

The documentary explained that Mr. Falwell (the asshole in this scenario, if your ass is a little retarded and you hadn't guessed already) offered to help Jim and Tammy through Jim's little indiscretion with dumb ass Jessica Hahn and then took over and ruined their church all because his GREEDY FAT ASS wanted satellite broadcasting. He also called the Bakkers greedy on TV (the pot calling the kettle!) for listing on a sheet of stationary what the board had offered them to live on for a year when he took over. Falwell asked them to write it down and then called them greedy. He had earlier threatened to expose the affair with Jessica Hahn, before the media got wind of it, if they didn't go along with him. Nothing like a good Christian man, huh? FAT GREEDY FUCKING PIG. Did I mention Falwell was FAT? And GREEDY?

Tammy Faye (the sweet and the good of this post) was really misunderstood. I admit that even I made jokes about her and her makeup, and she was really a sweetheart. She embraced gay people and even said on her show that Christians need to be loving to people with AIDS and to show compassion. No shit, right? Well a lot of Christians weren't so loving (like that asshole Falwell). Tammy Faye even forgave that BIG DUMB FAT ASS Falwell, because like Jan Crouch, the memory of that FAT FUCK Falwell was stealing Tammy's joy.

Note: There sure is A LOT of joy stealing going on in Christianity.
Lesson(?): If you want to keep your joy, perhaps you should remain secular.

Tammy was also always appearing on TV with her puppies and kitties, and you know SB is a softy for that shit. You can tell a good person by how much they love animals. If I teach you nothing else, let it be that!

Note: The Moms has this lady in her trailer park in AZ named Mary Grace who doesn't like cats because she is afraid of them. Anyhoo, SB doesn't like Mary Grace. You can't trust a person who doesn't like felines! I have two feline children and that shit is insulting! Mary Grace has insulted my kin, and I do take umbrage.

See The Eyes of Tammy Faye, if you haven't already. It is highly recommended. Two schlongs up.


May said...

This is so great! I was just telling DTG this weekend that that is a great fucking documentary! It changed my whole outlook on Tammy Faye and I love her too. Do I go to the hospital and hug and kiss AIDS patients? No, I do not. Tammy Faye is a better person than I, and even though we used to get Mama to call their hotline on Friday nights when she had a buzz on to tell them that we were praying for their hair (c'm'on, that shit was funny), I love her and stand by her. Besides, I happen to LIKE excessive eye make-up.
And I love SB.

downtown guy said...

I believe my mom used to call and tell them she was praying for Jan Crouch's hair.

Syd said...

SB, I'll take your word for it since you have impeccable taste. However, I have to say that the Christian right, no matter how loving and kitten kissing they are, tend to be a big turn off for me. Somehow it all just seems too insincere, too preachy, and too controlling.

Lady Lemon said...

I remember when Tammy Faye was on that reality TV show (Surreal Life?). I had never known anything about her, but I was impressed by what a sweet and genuine person she seemed to be.

Jerry Falwell is a big, fat sack of flaming shit. He is.

Also, I agree whole-heartedly about the animals, though there are some who probably think I love mine too much, I say nay!

My best friend's fiance, detested my dogs and asked that they be locked up when he came over, lest they attempt to sniff his shoes or something equally as heinous-anus.

That was when I realized he was a total douchebag-asshat.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

SB loves you, too, May!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Your mom is my idol for a reason.



Sarcastic Bastard said...

The right turns me off, too, but they make for good entertainment. Hot pink hair, Syd--come on.

Love you tons,


Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Lady Lemon,
I thought so, too, when watching The Surreal Life. That is also where I first "got to know" Tammy and was impressed. That's why I watched the documentary the other day.

Your friend's fiance sounds like a douche bag. Poor girl.



Anonymous said...

I wasn't going to watch it until you gave it TWO schlongs up. Now I'll consider it. (I also wasn't sure if there was a "c" in schlong, but I'm taking your word for it because I'm too afraid to google it.)

So true about people who don't like animals. I don't understand those people and I sure as hell don't trust them!

Cindy said...

I thought Tammy Faye was adorable! My husband is a conservative christian. He's the most grace filled, forgiving, non judgemental person on earth! I'm not kidding. I adore St. Jim. Me on the other hand, I WAS a conservative christian, til my personal life hit the fan like a pile of flaming poo. SO, quit going to my organized church (less conservative than St. Jim's church even) as I was faced with gossip and judgement. Huh! imagine that!

adrienne said...

hi sb!

i love that documentary and love tammy faye.

i also love that you used the word umbrage, because i SWEAR i was walking down the street in bed-stuy today (home of jay-z...i should holla at him about your contract) wondering what the root of that word is and feeling like it has something to do with shadows...

gonna go look it up now. see ya and thanks so much for the smiles!

Findon said...

Now heres a thing. In the churches round my parts they sidle up and say, if you're a born again chritsian then you can't be an alkie any more. Guess what that gets the alkies. Dead. Stone cold dead. I really dont like these Im more godder than you people. Like you said they're assholes.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I love you and I am glad to hear from you. Thanks for checking in.



Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dear Cindy,
Sorry to hear your tale, but it seems all too common. Guess nobody read the part in the Bible about not judging lest your ass be judged. Okay, obviously that was SB's version and not a direct quote from Christ.

Love you, and we don't judge here unless you're Bill O'Reilly, George W. Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, or Jerry Falwell. Ha.


Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Adrienne,
There are a few words I would like to bring back and make common again to the English language. Umbrage is one. Libation is another. Davenport is yet another.

I love those words and you still hear them still down home in the South, but you don't hear them here in the Yankee North much.

I DO take umbrage that Brad Pitt would not join me on the davenport for a libation.

downtown guy said...

Just last week, I threw a Friday night drinking party, the slogan for which was "Bring your libation, let's have recreation."

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks for helping bring back libation. One of my all-time favorite words! Southern people have a better vocabulary in general, as far as I'm concerned, but then I may be a little bit biased since my family hailed from Mississippi and used the words libation and davenport a lot.

Love, SB.

downtown guy said...

Come to think of it, I know a song about a davenport.