Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Possible NEW Crackhead Nose-Picking Neighbors

The kids next door are moving out. SB chased their asses off in record time. Just kidding. Actually, they found a house in a neighbouring town--the town where SB grew up. Think corn and tractors and FFA, motherfuckers. That's my home town. That's where I come from.

NOTE: FFA stands for Future Farmers of America, but I used to call them Future Fuckers of America, because that shit is immature, and SB still thinks that shit is funny, because it is.

Anyhoo, people have been stopping by to inquire about the For Rent sign out front. Last night, a lady and a few straggly mangy-looking kids and her boyfriend, who I shit you not, picked his nose (but did not eat it, thank Christ), knocked on my door. The lady had sores on her face (methhead), and then I remembered seeing her and the nose-picking boyfriend coming out of a house close by, where I suspect drugs may be sold. Neato.

This lady asked whether my ass got booted for having the yard sale FROM HELL. [She thought it was my half of the house that was for rent!] The monstrosity, the SHEER PHYSICAL FUCKING SPECTACLE, of this fucking sale IS THAT BAD. If it was Christmas time, I'd just throw some X-mas lights up on that shit and it would look like some sort of LOOMING MODERN CHRISTMAS SCULPTURE, and my ass could sell bottled water and charge admission to look at that shit. Surely the local news would feature our house, and we'd win some sort of shitty Chinese-wang local prize.

If I had a damn cell phone, I'd take a damn photo and post that shit, and then all you motherfuckers could collectively gasp. You would gasp, too! Count on that shit. But SB is a good non-complaining neighbour and that shit just amuses the fuck out of me. The yard literally looks like LITTLE KENTUCKY. Ohioans always pick on Kentuckians. We have to be superior to somebody, motherfuckers.

Now, I have to worry about methheads moving in to the other half of the damn house and burning that shit down or poisoning the pets and my ass. CAN YOU SAY METH LAB EXPLOSION, MOTHERFUCKERS? It's a distinct damn possibility. I watch COPS. I know how that shit works. The po-pos have to wear masks when they go into the damn meth labs. And I have a kitten! I have a NEW and FRAGILE fucking life to worry about, people!

And, no, before you ask--this is a small rural Ohio town--it is not typically filled with druggies and low-life sorts--just my particular nitch in the town. Lucky me!

It is raining here today, and SB feels like shithell. Bella, the new kitten, makes more noise than the bloody fires of blooming hell because she is HIGHLY NOCTURNAL, and SB's dumb ass made the mistake of buying her a rhinestone-studded purple tinkle collar with a bell. Did I mention the new collar HAS A BELL and that it tinkles almost CONSTANTLY? Little sleep, peeps. Little sleep.

I finally got up and removed that shit (Bella hates the fucking tinkle collar anyway and kept trying to get it off her own neck frantically--it was quality entertainment), but by then it was 4:30 a.m. so a fucking LOT of good that shit did.

When I left for work this morning, both Mercer and Ginger were in their beds SLEEPING. Those young bitches will wear an old motherfucking ass out. If I teach you motherfuckers nothing else, let it be that shit right there--I repeat: Young bitches will wear your ass out! And well you know it.

29 comments:

Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

SB
why didn't you let slip that you were a Police Officer on a rest day.
something like
"why you knocking ma door damn fool, its ma rest door and I was late home last night after booking all them crackheads in at da station.
now you may have to work all those networks in your old town at the FFA...ahhhh...nooo...dont hit me...it was just a joke...ahhh...that hurt dammit.
might a worked.
Nick

Lady Lemon said...

Meth lab!? You better get a drug sniffing dog or something. Bella is still young and moldable! Perhaps you could train her to sniff drugs?

You really have to take a picture of this yard sale somehow.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Shit, Nick. I missed the boat on that, didn't I?

SB loves you to pieces!

downtown guy said...

Shit, isn't "small rural town" pretty much meth's preferred territory? That shit's being cooked up in every other singlewide on a dirt road in the midwest.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Lady Lemon,
The sheer worry about Bella will keep me awake tonight. I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR A YOUNG LIFE. Jesus. Responsibility is SCARY.

SB loves ya!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

DTG,
Good point. I need your input to help keep me grounded. I get worked up and all excited and shit and sometimes I fuck my facts up.

Thanks!

Mucho love,

SB

Syd said...

SB, my cats sleep on my back and butt when I sleep. I have to shake like a dog to get them off. They hang on and then I finally turn over and try to squish them--they move then. I'm so glad that I live in the Hinterlands of the island where there are no yard sales. Only the squirrels would attend anyway.

Kat Skratch said...

This entry had me rolling. :) Nearly woke up the bf.
Dude, you're always on your game, but this entry particularly.
:D

Good luck with your new neighbors, whomever, and seriously take pics! Pay someone a dollar with a cell phone or something. Seriously. Then toss the xmas lights on.

<3

Kat

May said...

I lived in a duplex in Phoenix next to a methhead once. I thought she was a prostitute because guys were always going in and out of there at all hours but no, she was dealing. One day I came home and found the front porch and my living room covered with water (I had left the window open, it is the desert you know) and when I asked her about it she said, "Oh, the hose got away from me." Really?! Don't let them move in! Those motherfuckers are TROUBLE!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
You are a good man. Most men I know don't even like cats, let alone sleep with them. SB digs you.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Kat Scratch,
Love to you. Thanks for reading and commenting. Glad I made you laugh.

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

May,
I hear you girl. You are preaching to the choir!

I hope your Mama stops worrying and has a good damn time. You think she'll manage?

Love you,

SB

Lou said...

I think there is some good post material in them thar neighbors.

BTW, I shut my bedroom door, so my cat cannot keep me awake. Just sayin'

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Lou,
I don't have a door I can shut, unfortunately. I sleep on a pull-out sofa in the living room.

Maybe I'll just have to shut the moggy in the bathroom before bed tonight.

Lots of love,

SB

Nellie said...

If they move in, hopefully they won't be manufacturing their own stash. I read an article about the burn units of hospitals in the Midwest going bankrupt due to treating meth lab burn victims. Because most of the people making meth didn't have insurance, and the hospitals couldn't turn them away, they were losing tons of money. I try not to judge addicts because I am one, but even I'm wary of meth heads. Who wouldn't be an asshole when you can't eat or sleep like that?

Findon said...

That was such a good post. I smiled and laughed. You really are USA. I love you, I really do. Regards

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Nellie,
I agree. Meth is a whole other thing. It's scary as hell.

I hope all is well. Thank you for reading.

All my love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dear Findon,
I love you, too. I really really do.

Thanks for reading dear friend.

Best,

SB

Sasha (Malchik Gai) said...

Haha!I'd bet we could raise some eyebrows together. File this under strange but true. I was a chapter farmer in the F.F.A. I even got medals to prove it and I'm certified to drive all sorts of tractors. Just goes to show you not all cornfed immigrants kids are wasting their time being migrant workers.=P
Well, go figure I grew up to be a great big old fag! Never a dull moment in my life at least.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Malchik,
FFA,huh? That's too funny.

Not "great big old fag" and not "queer." Because fag is derrogatory and queer means strange, and I don't think it's strange to be gay. I always use the term "gay person." It is the most respectful term, I think. Your thoughts?

I know, I'm bossy--here I am telling a gay man how to talk about himself. You know I love you.

SB

downtown guy said...

Queer encompasses so much more than gay. I am not gay. I am definitely queer.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

DTG,
I'm queer, too. I'm queer and I'm proud, damn it!

downtown guy said...

So why balk at using the term, in a context-appropriate situation?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

DTG,
I guess I don't balk at it in context-appropriate situations, or maybe I do, but it just has shades of gay bashing to it. It is a word that makes me uncomfortable initially. I don't even like it when gay people use it to describe themselves, as I said. Just a word I don't tend to use. I use "weird" instead normally, you chicken wrangler, you.

downtown guy said...

No, see, I was talking about using it in specifically sex/gender-based situations. You said you would say "gay person" instead, but that's only one type of person who might carry the queer label. How about bisexual people, transsexual people, intersexed folks who consider that part of their personal identity, and so on. There are many flavors of queer - not all of them are just gay.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Chicken Wrangler,
Your Mama is right. You are very wise. Good point. My ass stands corrected.

When you get into Ms. Moon's liquor cabinet, drink one for me.

Love,

SB

downtown guy said...

Come down to Florida, we'll drink one together.

Anyway, you can't be a fan of bands like Tribe 8 and Limpwrist for as long as I have and not be comfy with the word queer.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

DTG,
I eagerly await the day I get to guzzle a libation with the Magnificent Moons!

downtown guy said...

We've got the beer on ice already!