Friday, July 17, 2009

SB's Cranky Ass Is Back from Business Travel

SB's cranky ass is back from beautiful Genoa, Ohio, and her ass is WAY sick. I only have a voice part of the time today. That motherfucker keeps fading in and out. I sound like a damn choir boy going through puberty. I just came into the office to wrap up some loose ends this morning. I am heading out early to go home and go to beddy. I am WORN THE FUCK OUT, people. Seriously.

The most funnest part of the trip was when I went to test my NEW pocket tape recorder and said, "Cunt, cunty, motherfucking cunt, cocksucker, sonofabitching whore" into it and then played it back for the Moms. I cracked her ass up, especially since my voice sounded like an 80 year old man with a bad case of phlegm. How to have fun on a business trip! We imagined my accidentally hitting play on the recorder at the client site. Sorry to disappoint--it didn't happen. I need my job, people!

I did see one interesting thing at the Holiday Inn Express. I saw some German motherfucker in some new and EVEN MORE UNFLATTERING form of Speedo. That motherfucker had his privates barely covered by some sort of thong-like triangular Speedo. That shit was not an attractive sight. For once, I wished I had a cell phone so I could take a damn picture and gross all of you motherfuckers out, too! It was so bad that my ass navigated way the hell way out of the way so I wouldn't have to see the front side of the damn suit. I had to be able to sleep at some point, people, and that shit would have been burned on my damn brain. Why do the Europeans insist on showing their damn junk off? I'm sorry, maybe my ass is a Puritan American, but I don't want to see your damn old sausage in a Speedo. It fucking grosses me out. So cut my ass a break.

Here's a treat of a description for all you motherfuckers who never had the good fortune to visit lovely Ohio. Close your eyes. No cheating. Now picture pale yellow dried wheat fields, bleached by the sun. Then picture a field of corn taller than the tallest person in your family. There you go. Your asses just visited Ohio! Also, you should picture lots of people in baggy shorts with out-of-date hairstyles (possibly even mullets). There's your damn virtual vacation, compliments of SB. You're welcome.

I came back from the trip to the entire yard of my house (& I do mean ENTIRE YARD), covered in tables with tarps on them. Even my damn front picture window is covered over by racks of tarped clothes.

The kids next door are having a damn yard sale, and those motherfuckers just took over in SB's absence! Last night, when I was trying to unload the damn car from my trip, carloads of assholes were pulling up to try and crane their damn necks to see what would be sold today (the opening day of the yard sale). Motherfuckers in Ohio go apeshit over a yard or garage sale. APE SHIT. I guess you can understand that tendency better now that you have virtually visited our fine state. When all you have to look at is corn and wheat fields, you'd go apeshit over a sale, too. And don't act all lofty and superior, because you would, trust me.


Put The Lotion In The Basket said...

Get better soon SB
Hugz and LOL, Germans and dem thongs saw a load in Spain and Im so over sex now

Lady Lemon said...

Ok, wait? You don't have a cell phone?! Really?!

Also, I feel you on the speedos. I'm a puritan, too.

Glad you survived the journey! Now, go buy something at that yard sale and blog about, would you?

Lou said...

Hilarious! Those Germans always got to flaunt (Ich bin Deutsch). In Germany, they are all letting it hang at the Freibad (public pool) and it is sooo gross. I remember when I took the kids to Germany, they could not get over the nudity. But it is NOT good nudity, y'know what I mean!

And those stoopid garage sales. Don't get me started. Give that stuff to Goodwill for crying out loud!!

Beth said...

Thank you for the virtual vacation to warm-and-sunny Ohio. It only took me 39 years to leave the state and you've brought it all back with your stirring descriptions of cornfields and mullets. I would like to add my own personal memory of sleeveless shirts (worn by men and women) with the too-big-armholes and the unshaven pits. There's a visual for ya...

Alec Beattie said...

Welcome back.
Sorry the Germans spoiled things but I think they're genetically predisposed to do this (world wars, genocide etc).
I've got a voice recorder too, and I like to randomly record myself swearing in a Welsh accent.

Anonymous said...

Wow. You've effectively managed to make me confused - which isn't really an accomplishment, now that I think about it - but yeah. Is Ohio a good place to visit or a down to fuck lame one? I can't decide - between the corn fields [awesome] and baboons going crack over a yard sale [not so much], I'm torn. Well, no not really.

Ohio sounds way funny though. If you say it the right way.

Germans dude showing off his banana - somehow, very disturbingly, I got the image of Hitler in speedos. Not cool.

Ms. Moon said...

I have missed you! Glad you're back and glad to get a report but so saddened that you are ill and that a garage sale is going on in your Ohio yard. Next year, plant corn so they can't get onto your side to set up tables.
Now get all better and play with your voice recorder.

iris said...

okay...i love your house. that IS your house?

the only thing that would make your beautiful house even better would be a swimming pool out back.

with a bus-full of german tourists in thong-like triangular speedos

May said...

How could there be no comments on this yet? This cracked me up from start to finish. I especially liked the virtual vacation. "Your asses just visited Ohio!" Goddamn! HILARIOUS!

Steph said...

I'm sorry you're sick. I'm sure I would be very excited about your yard sale. Corn fields scare me.

May said...

Where are you, SB? I realized after I left my stupid comment about no one commenting that you moderate the comments before they show up so there are probably a zillion comments before mine... Are you okay? Missing you.

Syd said...

I'm glad that you're back. You made me smile today and I needed that. The speedo and Ohio descriptions are great. Hope that you get your voice back, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I have been very sick. I missed work yesterday and am back today for a half-day because we have releases to get out.

Thanks for you concern. SB LOVES THE MOON FAMILY!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Iris,
Welcome. No that shit is not my house. I wish it was.

Thank you for joining us and commenting. I hope you will become part of our fucked-up, but loving, family here at Sarcastic Bastard.

Love, SB.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ohio is a lame fucking place to visit, but I'm here, so that evens it out.



Sarcastic Bastard said...

SB sends you her froggy croaky love.