Do You Know Why You're Overweight?

There is a new commercial out which asks the viewer the question: Do you know why you're overweight? I'm getting old now, like daddums, who talks back to the TV a lot, so I answered that annoying fucking question with another question.

Do you know why you're overweight?

Uhhhhhhmmmmmmmm, because my fat ass only gets up to take a piss or to stuff my face with junk food and guzzle more wine?

What really kills me is then the announcer's voice goes on to say: It's not your fault you are overweight.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Who the fuck's fault is it then, if not mine? I don't remember anyone force feeding me brownies and pizza or commanding that I stop exercising.

On second thought, maybe it is somebody else's fault. I got mighty depressed the eight years that damn moron, George W. Bush, was in office. We'll just blame it on him. That was the one good thing that came out of his abortion of a presidency. It gave us a place to lay blame for ALL THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS. I know blaming is not productive, but it sure is FUN!

It Must Be Nice To Be a Retired Motherfucker

It must be nice to be a retired motherfucker, wear shorts with socks, and have the time to teach a damn dog how to play basketball. (Okay, so it's cute--not the shorts and socks--the damn dog--stay with me here. It's not that hard, motherfuckers!)

You can bet in his spare time, when he's not making like Bobby Knight with the canine, this same guy is holding up some productive working motherfucker at the Kroger while he chats to the cashier or the deli chick or the sushi guy. You can also bet this geriatric motherfucker is one of the old cranks trying to be new-fangled, working up some balls to try and figure out how the self-check out works and then taking 20 minutes to ring up, bag, and pay for one damn container of Metamucil. BECAUSE THIS FUCKER IS RETIRED, AND THAT MEANS HE HAS ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD!

SB filled out a 401-K form the other day that asked my retirement age. My ass seriously put 99. I meant that shit, too! George W. Bush fucked any chance I had of being able to retire EVER. Now, that illiterate fucker is writing his memoirs for millions of dollars. I suggest the title: How I Ruined an Entire Country or Shit for Brains: The George W. Bush Story. Here is an exclusive peekaloo at a partial Table of Contents only for Sarcastic Bastard readers.

Chapter 1: I Got Drunk
Chapter 2: I Got Drunk
Chapter 3: I went Too Yail, Got Drunk, and Nearly Flunkt Out
Chapter 4: I Ruint an Oil Company
Chapter 5: How I Fuckt the World's Good Will Away After 9/11

[Can you tell I am still bitter????]

It's Friday and I'm a Wee Bit Grumpy Due to a Shit-Eating Canine

Yes, it's Friday--thankthelordjesus--and my ass is in a crabby fucking mood. The goddamn asshole licker (Ginger) kept waking me up last night, wanting out, to go eat her own shit. Yes, I am feeding her plenty. She just likes the damn taste of her own excrement!

Dogs are sweet, sweet souls, but they are stupid motherfuckers, basically, except for Alsatians, which I'm told are the smartest of the canine species. Of course, this may be somewhat akin to saying the smartest member of the Bush family. I'm almost certain W. eats his own shit, too.

Anyhoo, I am barely functioning this morning, despite two pots of coffee. Bear with me, people. I don't even have enough energy to put an exclamation point on the end of that sentence.

Biggest Dumb Ass Poll--We Have an Imbecilic Winner!

Obviously, W. won the Sarcastic Bastard Biggest Dumb Ass poll with 66% of the vote. Admittedly, SB sort of helped him along a little by voting a few extra times for his dumb ass. Thankfully, he is off ruining some sort of private company now, instead of this great country of ours. May he rot in hell.

Ann Coulter came in a respectable moronic second. Stupid bitch.

SB will start a new poll today. Check it out motherfuckers and VOTE!

That Pretty Much Sums It Up

Dumb ass mit baby.

Chimpanzee Riding a Scooter Thingee

I think we should have a scooter-riding contest between this chimpanzee and President Bush (He's going to have a lot of time on his hands here soon, people. He won't have to be fucking up the country 24/7 anymore.) I'll put my money on the chimp. The chimp will be in the next country, and W. will still be trying to figure out which direction to face on the scooter!

The really great thing about this video, besides the funky song, is the look on the Japanese lady's face during the cut away. I just love Japanese people! PLEASE READ MY BLOG JAPANESE PEOPLE!! I've always wanted to be "a hit in Japan" like David Hasselhoff.

Goodbye You Fuck Fucking Fucker

In honor of W's departure tomorrow, I've written a poem. Short live King George!

Goodbye you Fuck Fucking Fucker
Goodbye you worthless asshole
You are the worst leader in the history of man
Except for Hitler maybe
You shall not be missed!
Goodbye you moronic greedy dickhead imbecile
Even your own dad wishes he didn't spawn you
He curses his own loins
Every time you grin like a loutish dolt

Now that you have some time on your hands
You can finally learn to read
Or ruin another oil company
Or go back to drinking and waking up piss-soaked
America doesn't give a shit
As long as you go away
And don't ask me for a contribution
To fund your ass-wanking presidential library either motherfucker!
The answer is NO.