The Disdainful One Won!

Hot damn! It looks like the Disdainful One won the SB poll for most gorgeous fucking bitch. Thanks to all who voted!

I'd feel a whole lot better if the Disdainful One could keep her food down. She has been to the vet multiple times of late, and we can't figure out what's wrong with her. She is throwing up right and left and has lost quite a bit of weight.

And yes, this is another reason for the sour mood today. I absolutely worship, Mercer. Sadly, some days I feel like taking care of Mercer and Ginger is my sole reason to exist. That's about as good as it gets, folks.

I am struggling, struggling. . . .

Fug Doll of the Month

Yes, it's a Newman-Breen, motherfuckers. How did you guess? I think this hot piece of fug is supposed to be Joan Crawford.

No more wire hangers EVER! I chase the Asshole Licker around and yell, "NO MORE WIRE HANGER EVER!" a lot. She loves that shit. It's thrilling!

Weimaraner Reacts to Farts

The viddy below is hysterical. Ginger, the Asshole Licker, is the most flatulent dog you have EVER heard. I wanted to name her Sorrow, after the flatulent dog in The Hotel New Hampshire, but Mr. SB spoiled the damn fun and wouldn't let me.

Sometimes, when the Asshole Licker is going up or down the stairs, she lets out a whole explosive chain of farts. I have to laugh.

If Mr. SB or I fart (it happens people), ironically, Ginger gets scared and runs upstairs. She is afraid of the farts of others. When we got her at the shelter, they mentioned that she had been abused. Perhaps this abuse involved farts.

50 Animals with Drinking Problems

The Asshole Licker (Ginger) has a little problem with the beer. She's German, people, cut her a damn break!

Link to 50 Animals with Drinking Problems: http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/03/17/50-animals-with-drinking-problems/

It's Friday and I'm a Wee Bit Grumpy Due to a Shit-Eating Canine

Yes, it's Friday--thankthelordjesus--and my ass is in a crabby fucking mood. The goddamn asshole licker (Ginger) kept waking me up last night, wanting out, to go eat her own shit. Yes, I am feeding her plenty. She just likes the damn taste of her own excrement!

Dogs are sweet, sweet souls, but they are stupid motherfuckers, basically, except for Alsatians, which I'm told are the smartest of the canine species. Of course, this may be somewhat akin to saying the smartest member of the Bush family. I'm almost certain W. eats his own shit, too.

Anyhoo, I am barely functioning this morning, despite two pots of coffee. Bear with me, people. I don't even have enough energy to put an exclamation point on the end of that sentence.

Ginger, the Diarrhetic Asshole Licker

Sarcastic Bastard is kind of tired today and extra fucking grouchy. I'm usually a grouchy fuck, so nobody at work will probably even notice. My dog, Ginger, had me up at least five times during the night last night because she has the perpetual diarrhea.

The Sarcastics have spent nearly $2,000.00 on Ginger's diarrhetic ass to no avail. She is an anorectic bitch (literally) at this point, because the kibble and organic chicken food goes straight through her. Ginger is almost ten years old, so at this point we are against invasive surgery, and we are looking at her remaining quality of life. Besides, the vet told us that invasive surgery might not tell them what the hell is wrong with her anyway.

So last night, I am up like five times with her, as I said, and you just can't get quality sleep when you are up and down like that. Then, the few times I managed to fall back to sleep, just when I was sleeping pretty soundly, Ginger began licking her outraged asshole, I guess in some vain sort of attempt to soothe it, because it probably burns like a motherfucker from all the diarrhea. May I just share with you, dear reader, that this was not soft, quiet licking? It was like she was atempting to suck a cherry slurpee out of her own ass. If you think of a small child (or me) trying to get that last drop of sugary-goodness from the bottom of a paper cup of soda with a straw--yep, that would pretty much faithfully replicate the sound that Ginger made. Imagine being awakened by that not once, but at least four times.

Anyhoo, as a result of this shit, I am a sleep-deprived she-bitch today.