Progressive Drinking Party

My ass has been to progressive dinners, and I like them A LOT, but I got to thankin that maybe progressive drinking parties would be EVEN MORE fun. You could just drive from house to house and sample a different alcoholic beverage at each stop. Any joiners?

p.s. I am just waiting for those MADD bitches to lay into me in the comments section. Whenever they call for a donation, I patiently explain that I am FOR drunk driving. That pretty much stymies them.

Dog Is My Co-Pilot

Shit My Dad Says

My dear Bruddah Frankie sent me the link below. I think the dad and I must somehow be related.

Thanks Bruddah Frankie. SB loves you!

Link to Shit My Dad Says: http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

I Just Like the Damn Photo

When Jack and Reba said their pets were like children to them, they really meant it.

New SB Feature! Punitive Jesus

WHO WOULD JESUS SHOOT?

Happy Labor Day Motherfuckers!

SB's fat ass is taking the long weekend off from work and blogging. My cranky ass will be back on Tuesday to opine and bitch.

I would have been early to work this morning, but I had to search for Bella the kitten. I called. I made weird noises to try and draw her out. Nada. I finally found her dumb ass shut in one of the closets upstairs.

I hope all you motherfuckers have safe and excellent holiday adventures, and don't forget to help a brother out and donate some money to Jerry Lewis and his kids. That motherfucker works his ass off every year, so help a bitch out and fork over some dough for a good cause.

Does Anybody Else Get Grossed Out by This?

I don't like the red butt monkeys. Their asses seem to be engorged or some shit.

The Duggar Cat Family and the Asshole Licker

When I left the house this morning, Sam was hiding behind the washer and dryer, and gorgeous Maximus was cowering underneath the red sofa. I did actually manage to hold Max briefly before the Asshole Licker (Ginger) scared her right out of my arms. The Asshole Licker bugs new felines in the household TO DEATH, and then loses all interest several days later.

Sam's backstory was that he was rescued from a tree in a park as a kitten and had a bad intestinal infection, and his poor belly was filled with maggots. It took several surgeries and over a thousand dollars in order to untwist his intestines and rid him of parasites. I'd say Sam is a survivor. He is the more outgoing and loving of the two. Sam's a lover, people, not a damn fighter.

The kids (college students) who owned the two were two of the nicest youngsters I've met, and they were so happy to find their babies a good home. It made me feel really good. I sent them an e-mail already this morning to let them know how the cats are faring.

Please, NO MORE crazy cat lady jokes. I prefer to be known as "The Angelina Jolie of Cats." Thank you veddy much.

Thanks for all the well wishes. I really love my blog family.

Here Is the Craigslist Ad. How Could I Not Help?

PLEASE HELP US!!!

Date: 2009-09-02, 11:42AM EDT

I have posted on here a few times and been unsuccessful. I need help please! My husband and I have fallen under hard times, and we have no choice but to relenquish our two cats. They are just a little over a year old, but just as playful as kittens. We love them so much, and we don't want them to be euthanized at a shelter... we just feel like we are running out of options.

Our cats have been VERY well taken care of. They have vet records, all shots, microchips, and are both neutered. They need to find a home together because they are so attached. They get along very well with both dogs and cats, and they are gentle with babies and children. They just need a new home.

We will not charge any rehoming fee for the right home. PLEASE HELP! Email if you are interested in adopting these two. They are shy at first, but give them a little time and they will come out of their shells. They love being brushed, and they love wet food! Mostly, they just love attention. :)

If you can help us, please email me. They need to find a new home this week, so let me know if you can take them. Thank you!

Location: Buttfuck, OH
It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

How could I not help? I'm picking them up tonight after work. No cat lady jokes, please. I've already heard them all from co-workers. I spoke to the owners on the phone. They are nice kids. I told them they can come over and visit the cats anytime they want.

Rescue Me

SB's favorite television show THAT I NEVER MISS and THAT I JUST FOUND THIS SEASON, because I'm a little slow, is Rescue Me. Denis Leary's character, Tommy, is a hot mess, and also he's the sort of guy SB would make a beeline for. Fucker likes kinky sex play. Plus, he's got great hair.

Do any of you regular motherfuckers watch Rescue Me? [If you're not a regular reader, I don't care about your opinion--you've got to earn your stripes around here.] Just curious. I am asking for your thoughts and opinions. Now's your chance. Normally, I'm too self-centered to give a fuck. So chime in!

If you haven't watched the damn show, feel free to lament that fact, but don't opine, because basically, you have no knowledge base to operate from, and that would make you like an evangelical Christian talking about abortion or politics. [Apologies to Brother Frankie, who is the exception to the rule, and his opinion is ALWAYS welcome here.]

Motorized Wheel Chair Lady with Dog and Hangy Sacks of Fat

Today, I'd like to share a sight that touches SB's cold stone creamery heart. On the way into work each morning, I pass a nursing home, and there is almost always an old lady in a motorized wheel chair with a little scroungy dog sitting in her lap. Bitch makes good time, motoring her elderly ass down the lengthy sidewalk in front of the home.

Somedays, the sight of this old bat nearly brought tears to SB's eyes. That was some touching shit raht there. But then I got to thinking that maybe the dog didn't want to ride (maybe it wanted to walk) and that maybe it was more of a hostage situation. That sort of ruined it for me. Now the old lady seems kind of sinister.

I am jealous of the old bitch's motorized chair though, I have to admit.

When I was married, I tried to talk Mr. SB into buying me one of those red motorized chairs from The Scooter Store, with a basket in front, so that I could stick a cold six-pack and some Mikesell's cheese popcorn in there. I promised that I would walk the Diarrhetic Wunderkind more often if the Mister forked over for a damn motorized chair. He wouldn't go for it, AND MY ASS DID THE HARD SELL.

I don't like to move, people, so the dog don't get walked. It's just the way it is. If I could sit on my ass and drink beer, the dog would likely get walked, especially if I attached a portable TV to the fucker (the chair, not the dog).

On another note, the landlord stopped by last night to ask me out to the porch to have a beer with him and the other landlord. I didn't have a bra on (I never wear a damn titsling at home--they are torture devices for women), and the motherfucker stared at my tits, and I don't even have that big of tits, and also I am fat right now. MEN ARE GROSS. I mean tits are just hangy sacks of fat for feeding infants (that's about the only VALID use for tits). What's the damn fascination? MEN ARE GROSS.

[NOTE: I tried to find a photo of a lady showing her fun bags on a scooter to combine the subjects of this post, but it was a fail.]

SEXY MONKEYS!!

A MONKEY-HUMPING TRIO! MENAGE-A-MONKEY, MOTHERFUCKERS.

EVERYBODY LOVES MONKEYS!!

BUT BE CAREFUL, IF YOU UPSET THEM, THEY MAY FLING POO!

Side-Barrette Girl

I know there's all sorts of things that come to mind when you gaze upon this familial clusterfuck, but what really bugs SB's ass, and the first thing I noticed, was side-barrette girl. Does anyone else think that the placement of the barrettes at ear-level was fucking unfortunate?

Sorrowful Bastard is Back

No, actually I'm a happy motherfucker now, because I missed hearing from my peeps over the long weekend. I hope all of you had swell weekends and are fine and dandy.

The funeral went fine. The drive out to the cemetery was fairly long, because the procession had to go through some fairly heavy traffic and a lot of traffic lights, but only one whore failed to yield to the funeral party. Of course the Mom's went on about how young people have no respect, and I'm old enough now that my cranky ass had to agree. [I also honked and called three teenagers who were skateboarding in the middle of the street and failing to yield to traffic on the way back to my house last night, "stupid motherfuckers." Little shits.]

Daddums cracked that the drive to the cemetery was so long, he was ready to drop poor old Ralph off in the Catholic cemetery we passed about half-way to the actual cemetery we were depositing Ralph in. It made me laugh until tears streamed. Death makes me hinky, so I have a tendency to get nervous and giggle anyway. It's just too solemn of a damn occasion. SB can't handle that shit. After dad's crack about dropping Ralph off early, I said that Ralph was a nice man and didn't deserve the Catholic cemetery. I kid, I kid. Most of my friends are Catholic for some damn reason. I guess the Catholics have had to put up with a lot of shit, so I find most of them pretty good humoured.

Anyhoo, we delivered that dear man where he was supposed to rest and got home safely. So it goes.