Stalker Ed: Diary of a Desperate Dumb Ass

Today's journal excerpt from Stalker Ed's dumb ass below. Ironically, SB has been stalking Ed today, looking for a new post! Little does his ass know.

[Begin journal excerpt]

I'm still working on how to attach Elizabeth's new picture to my bike fender so that I can expose it when I ride and cover it at work. I thought I might find a small pocket photo. I didn't find one at the photo shop yesterday, when I picked up the picture that I had copied.

I'd then attach the pic at the corners to the fender with velcro tabs and simply flip it back and forth. I left the office supply store with only a small paper cutter. We have a laminator at work, but I don't know how to use it. Besides, my conscience isn't likely to let me use company equipment for my own pleasure, especially given that the pleasure is illicit. If it were seen, it would once again be a violation of trust.

Of course, despite my efforts at discretion, someone could still flip the picture over and leave it exposed, and then move my bike, as they did before, so that everyone could get a gander. But that would be to assume that anyone at work still reads this journal. The more accurate assumption might be that they think I have stopped keeping the journal. Ah, but the arrogance of the mob is no match for the righteousness of the individual!

[End journal excerpt]

Obviously, Ed's dumb ass thinks that he is above everyone and all lofty and shit and really erudite. THIS SHIT IS AN ACTUAL EXCEPT FROM A REAL MOTHERFUCKER'S JOURNAL! SB REPEATS: THIS SHIT IS FOR REAL MOTHERFUCKERS! You might work with Ed's dumb ass. He might even SIT IN THE CUBE NEXT TO YOU! You might live next to Ed's stalker ass! BE CAREFUL OUT THERE, PEOPLE! If SB doesn't teach you anything else, let it be this.

p.s And fuck you in advance if you check dumb as fuck on this post! I know it's you W.!

The Continuing Fucked Saga of Stalker Ed

Stalker Ed Update:

Could this motherfucker be any damn dumber? This week, Ed's dumb psycho ass posted a picture of Elizabeth on the front of his bicycle, which HE RIDES TO WORK! What is he, like 10 years old? The stupid motherfucker is 50! He needs psychological help.

If Elizabeth was scared of Ed's obsessed ass before--this shit has just crossed over into Restraining Order Land! As you'll remember, Ed and Elizabeth work together, so somebody must have told her by now about the photo on the bike.

And, as SB predicted, Ed has already started obsessing about the new chick, Frieda. Somehow, their "date" lasted six hours, probably because Ed subjected Frieda to his WHOLE DAMN ENTIRE BORING-ASSED life story. And yes, Ed's dumb ass did disclose (on his first date) his obsession with Elizabeth.

SB'S VERDICT: Frieda is a TOTAL DUMB ASS if she EVER contacts Ed again. RUN LIKE HELL, FRIEDA!

Another Journal Entry from Sorry-Assed Stalker Ed

I made a mistake and checked for a weekend journal entry from psychotic-stalker-loser Ed's blog that I have been reading for entertainment. [SB knows this really says more about my life than the loser's. I get it fuckers. Thanks.] Anyhoo, Ed's already setting his psycho ass up to stalk ANOTHER chick. He met this chick when she made the mistake of asking his dumb ass for directions. Poor woman.

[Excerpt from sorry-ass entry below. Again, names have been changed to protect the innocent and the psychotic. The words in parentheses are mine.]

Though I've professed to myself, Leroy, Jon, and Sherri that whatever happens with Frieda happens and will not be adorned with hope, I am [sexually] excited to be seeing her again. There is no spark of romance [at least on her part], just a feeling of newness, of stepping off in a new direction, not simply without fear, but with ready anticipation. Call that hope if you like, but that would be premature [ejaculation], and I want nothing about this to be premature [ejaculation]. Everything in its due time. But as I was bathing [and pulling on my peen], I thought it would be nice to have a tale to tell on Monday, if anyone should care to ask about my weekend [they won't]. And I would want Elizabeth to hear it [she's not going to give a shit--the only thing Elizabeth might feel is relief that your psychotic ass is no longer stalking her]. In the moment, at the restaurant, I will make nothing of anything [sure, right], and afterward, on paper, I shall subdue the event in reportage [Ed's ass doesn't subdue anything in reportage], but Monday, at work, I will breathe life into it, deservedly or not. I'm a storyteller [pretentious fucktard], after all.

[End boring fucking excerpt]

NOTE: Maybe this fucker should give up journaling and take up greeting card writing. He could probably have a good career at that. Yes, I am grouchy and extra mean today. It's Monday, and the Diarrhetic Wunderkind kept my ass up all night. What do you damn people, want?

The Joaqster Is a Grouchy Bitch

You've probably already seen this, but I just love to watch Joaquin get huffy! We are so much alike, we are practically THE SAME GROUCHY PERSON! Okay, I was having a Stalker Ed moment there. I'm over it now.

Ed's Whole Fucking Problem in a Nutshell

I'm reading this big dork's journal (long story--it was for public consumption--which makes Ed an even bigger dumb ass) for entertainment purposes. Okay, SB is mean. We've established that. Moving on. Background: Ed's sorry, hopeless ass is obsessed with this girl he works with, named Elizabeth. Every entry is about Elizabeth's slightest little word or gesture. Elizabeth doesn't know Ed's dumb ass exists. He mistakes common decency for interest, people, as so often happens.

I just sent an e-mail to my friend L. with some of the better passages from the journal.

Note: I've changed the names and parts of some of the passages in the e-mail I sent L., which is reproduced below, in order to protect the innocent and the hopeless (sounds like a soap opera), but the e-mail essentially read:

I am so gagging right now. Could this guy be a bigger dork potentially? An excellent Elizabeth day today? Whaaaaa? I'm going to fucking puke. He managed to be spontaneous today. That's Ed's whole fucking problem in a nutshell. The guy is a scary stalking motherfucker as far as I'm concerned. He's also a pretentious grammarian!

[JOURNAL EXCERPT]
An excellent Elizabeth day today. I managed to be solicitous, open and spontaneous, and genuinely caring. We had only an hour together, and it wasn't our most intense engagement, but it came after she'd already spent several hours as a backup. She was a bit frayed at the ends, but in good humor, when she came back out for an encore.

Of course, I was eager to converse, but I was also determined not to force it. This was not difficult to achieve, as it was another busy hour, though I somehow managed to avoid a customer, while Elizabeth had at least five. I felt badly for her, and when I was relieved by Megan to go to the back, I looked sadly back at Elizabeth. I even started a step back toward her, about to offer to relieve her until her replacement came out, but I knew Sam was waiting upstairs for me to relieve him.

But I couldn't go straight upstairs. Genevieve's next interview had arrived that hour, and I'd seated her to wait. At the end of the hour and my time at the front, I needed to seek out Genevieve and let her know the young lady was here.

When I got to the workroom, I told John the situation, hoping he'd head out to the desk right away, but apparently, I had understressed the need for Elizabeth to be relieved, and John seemed determined to stay put until I returned. Then, in a strong voice I didn't recognize as my own, I said, "John, could you go out front and relieve Elizabeth? She needs to get away from the front. She's been out there for nearly three solid hours and could really use some relief. John would you mind covering the front whilst I track down Genevieve?"

The results were immediate and wordless: John switched out, and I went looking for Genevieve, who I found still in her office with a prior candidate. This I informed Ms. Thompson, her four o'clock interview. Just as I reached the door, Elizabeth all but staggered in from the desk, like a returning warrior. I could've sworn that I heard victory cheers! I said to her, "I had to pull some strings to get you off the desk," and Denitra said, "Yeah, he was yelling and waving his arms around..."

Elizabeth looked at me and said, "I guess it's you I have to thank." Embarrassed at seeming to want to take cudos, my mind stumbled in reply. "Well it wasn't really what I was after, but I'll accept your thanks." All Elizabeth needed to say at this point was, "What were you after?" to make me blurt out: "Your undying love!" or something equally as revealing. Ah, but she didn't. The entire episode nearly overwhelmed me with a pride at the compassion spontaneously unleashed on Elizabeth's behalf. I think I've said all I can here, without cheapening the moment by basking in my own heroism.