Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Ed's Whole Fucking Problem in a Nutshell


I'm reading this big dork's journal (long story--it was for public consumption--which makes Ed an even bigger dumb ass) for entertainment purposes. Okay, SB is mean. We've established that. Moving on. Background: Ed's sorry, hopeless ass is obsessed with this girl he works with, named Elizabeth. Every entry is about Elizabeth's slightest little word or gesture. Elizabeth doesn't know Ed's dumb ass exists. He mistakes common decency for interest, people, as so often happens.

I just sent an e-mail to my friend L. with some of the better passages from the journal.

Note: I've changed the names and parts of some of the passages in the e-mail I sent L., which is reproduced below, in order to protect the innocent and the hopeless (sounds like a soap opera), but the e-mail essentially read:

I am so gagging right now. Could this guy be a bigger dork potentially? An excellent Elizabeth day today? Whaaaaa? I'm going to fucking puke. He managed to be spontaneous today. That's Ed's whole fucking problem in a nutshell. The guy is a scary stalking motherfucker as far as I'm concerned. He's also a pretentious grammarian!

[JOURNAL EXCERPT]
An excellent Elizabeth day today. I managed to be solicitous, open and spontaneous, and genuinely caring. We had only an hour together, and it wasn't our most intense engagement, but it came after she'd already spent several hours as a backup. She was a bit frayed at the ends, but in good humor, when she came back out for an encore.

Of course, I was eager to converse, but I was also determined not to force it. This was not difficult to achieve, as it was another busy hour, though I somehow managed to avoid a customer, while Elizabeth had at least five. I felt badly for her, and when I was relieved by Megan to go to the back, I looked sadly back at Elizabeth. I even started a step back toward her, about to offer to relieve her until her replacement came out, but I knew Sam was waiting upstairs for me to relieve him.

But I couldn't go straight upstairs. Genevieve's next interview had arrived that hour, and I'd seated her to wait. At the end of the hour and my time at the front, I needed to seek out Genevieve and let her know the young lady was here.

When I got to the workroom, I told John the situation, hoping he'd head out to the desk right away, but apparently, I had understressed the need for Elizabeth to be relieved, and John seemed determined to stay put until I returned. Then, in a strong voice I didn't recognize as my own, I said, "John, could you go out front and relieve Elizabeth? She needs to get away from the front. She's been out there for nearly three solid hours and could really use some relief. John would you mind covering the front whilst I track down Genevieve?"

The results were immediate and wordless: John switched out, and I went looking for Genevieve, who I found still in her office with a prior candidate. This I informed Ms. Thompson, her four o'clock interview. Just as I reached the door, Elizabeth all but staggered in from the desk, like a returning warrior. I could've sworn that I heard victory cheers! I said to her, "I had to pull some strings to get you off the desk," and Denitra said, "Yeah, he was yelling and waving his arms around..."

Elizabeth looked at me and said, "I guess it's you I have to thank." Embarrassed at seeming to want to take cudos, my mind stumbled in reply. "Well it wasn't really what I was after, but I'll accept your thanks." All Elizabeth needed to say at this point was, "What were you after?" to make me blurt out: "Your undying love!" or something equally as revealing. Ah, but she didn't. The entire episode nearly overwhelmed me with a pride at the compassion spontaneously unleashed on Elizabeth's behalf. I think I've said all I can here, without cheapening the moment by basking in my own heroism.

3 comments:

Alec Beattie said...

Jumping fucking Jehovah! This guy belongs in an institution for retarded, inept ugly monsters. What does Elizabeth look like? Is she an actual human being?

Alec Beattie said...

This guy looks like he's had a good hammering with the ugly stick! What does Elizabeth look like? Is she an actual human being?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I've never seen a picture of Elizabeth, but I'm assured by Ed's overly-flowery fucking prose (he may be the McGonnagal of journaling) that she is, indeed, a rose. No pun intended.