I hope my ass has something better to do when I retire.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2018608/Whataburger-Carol-Karl-Hoepfner-visit-720-favourite-fast-food-chain-stores.html

Put a goddamn bra on, Penny. I don't want to see your damn post-pregnancy swollen nipples. GROSS.

That shit is GROSS AS HELL. Click on the picture to enlarge and see the full extent of GROSSNESS.

A bitch needs to have some damn decorum!

The Moms and I Are BIG Ben Affleck Fans

I really like his new look.

Comment of the Damn Day: Kat, Virginia, USA

[on Bunny Mellon's million dollar loans to disgraced asshole Senator, John Edwards]

Bunny Mellon is blind in more ways than one if she thinks John Edwards would make a great President. He doesn't even make a decent human being.

Mankini on a Moto

I'm so grossed out right now.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2018294/Thats-way-beat-heat-Man-rides-motorbike-Borat-mankini-cool-scorching-weather.html

This is some fucked up shit.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2018391/The-extraordinary-experiment-chimp-raised-human-child.html

Quote of the Damn Day for Amy

I arrived late and as I made my way to the audience through the plastic smiles and plastic cups I heard the rolling, wondrous resonance of a female vocal. Entering the space I saw Amy on stage with Weller and his band; and then the awe. The awe that envelops when witnessing a genius. From her oddly dainty presence that voice, a voice that seemed not to come from her but from somewhere beyond even Billie and Ella, from the font of all greatness. A voice that was filled with such power and pain that it was at once entirely human yet laced with the divine. My ears, my mouth, my heart and mind all instantly opened. Winehouse. Winehouse? Winehouse! That twerp, all eyeliner and lager dithering up Chalk Farm Road under a back-combed barnet, the lips that I’d only seen clenching a fishwife fag and dribbling curses now a portal for this holy sound. So now I knew. She wasn’t just some hapless wannabe, yet another p***ed up nit who was never gonna make it, nor was she even a ten-a-penny-chanteuse enjoying her fifteen minutes. She was a f****** genius.

--Russell Brand

Shit SB Says

Marcus Bachmann's dumb ass had better start praying HARDER. It ain't working.

This Is Mean, but I Don't Give a Fuck. Somebody's Got to Have the Balls to Be the Damn Spokesperson of America Around Here.

I was just looking at the blog of a person from India, and I don't really think it's a good thing that many Indians now have Internet access. Reading that pigeon English shit is like trying to understand an Indian person who works for a software help desk. Indian English = muy sucko. Since the damn credit card companies have all outsourced to India now, I spend enough time on the phone with the damn fuckers. I don't want to deal with trying to read shitty English TOO. As an English major, I have scant patience with fucked-up grammar.

Also, the About Me sections on Indian blogs are very basic and spare. I guess this would be due to the Indian lack of ego. You are lucky if you get one damn sentence out of the fuckers. Can you say, B-O-R-I-N-G? I think they ought to prohibit boring badly-grammatisized (I made that word up.) motherfuckers from blogging AT ALL. My time is precious! I don't want to sift through a bunch of Indian yoga poses and goat-herding shit, trying to find something semi-entertaining to read. I don't think I should have to suffer like that. I lived under George W. Bush for 8 fucking years. I've suffered enough.

Is There Anything as Fabulous as a Glitter Bomb Protest? I Think NOT.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2017528/Gay-barbarians-glitter-bomb-Marcus-Bachmann-clinic.html

Ty-Ty Banks Is Off Her Fucking Rocker

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2017112/Tyra-Banks-smoking-hot-dons-skin-tight-catsuit-knee-high-boots.html

What in Sam hell is up with the outfit? A ho is batshit.

This story gave me chills.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2017061/Fallen-9-11-Ladder-Company-3-engine-returns-Ground-Zero-years-lowered-new-memorial-home.html

God bless the fallen heroes of Ladder Company 3. We love every last one of you.

It's Supposed to Hit 110 Here in Buttfuck, Ohio, Today

This motherfucker has the right idea.

The parental unit left to visit my yuppie brother in Massachusetts the other day, so this means my fat ass has to water the Mom's 100,000 flowers in the 110-degree fucking heat while they're gone. Ms. Moon had the excellent idea to raid their damn fridge for a few ice-cold beers while I am watering. Ms. Moon is fucking ingenious.

On another front, the Viking, Lord of My Cold Stone Creamery Heart, bought me a new washer (one of those agitator-less new-fangled bitches). They are delivering the motherfucker on Saturday, so Friday night, I am going to have to move the cock-sucking oven out, because the goddamn cheap-assed landlords bought the cheapest fucking stove their miserly asses could find, and the damn oven door is not removable. Naturally, removing the cock-sucking stove handle, which sticks out about an inch, is the only way to get the new washer into the hook-up area near the fridge. The delivery man will curse me (silently or not), due to the VERY TIGHT space the washer must be wedged through in order to be hooked the fuck up.

Also, I have the cats on new BETTER food, due to Tom's recent bladder problems, and fucking Marley has the damn diarrhea from the new muy expensivo cat food. His hairy backside is a dried fucking shitty mess of poop. So, tonight I will be giving my first cat bath. Marley is still semi-feral, so this shit should be fun!

If you hear a very loud scream emanate from the direction of Buttfuck this evening, you'll know who it is. I am hoping to keep my arms at least. The fingers are negotiable. Ask Marley.

Paranoid meth suspects call 9-1-1 on themselves

http://savannahnow.com/latest-news/2011-07-19/paranoid-meth-suspects-call-911-themselves

I was rooting for the leopard.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2016812/Leopard-rampage-Big-cat-injured-straying-village-dies-shot-dart-gun.html