Thursday, July 21, 2011

It's Supposed to Hit 110 Here in Buttfuck, Ohio, Today

This motherfucker has the right idea.

The parental unit left to visit my yuppie brother in Massachusetts the other day, so this means my fat ass has to water the Mom's 100,000 flowers in the 110-degree fucking heat while they're gone. Ms. Moon had the excellent idea to raid their damn fridge for a few ice-cold beers while I am watering. Ms. Moon is fucking ingenious.

On another front, the Viking, Lord of My Cold Stone Creamery Heart, bought me a new washer (one of those agitator-less new-fangled bitches). They are delivering the motherfucker on Saturday, so Friday night, I am going to have to move the cock-sucking oven out, because the goddamn cheap-assed landlords bought the cheapest fucking stove their miserly asses could find, and the damn oven door is not removable. Naturally, removing the cock-sucking stove handle, which sticks out about an inch, is the only way to get the new washer into the hook-up area near the fridge. The delivery man will curse me (silently or not), due to the VERY TIGHT space the washer must be wedged through in order to be hooked the fuck up.

Also, I have the cats on new BETTER food, due to Tom's recent bladder problems, and fucking Marley has the damn diarrhea from the new muy expensivo cat food. His hairy backside is a dried fucking shitty mess of poop. So, tonight I will be giving my first cat bath. Marley is still semi-feral, so this shit should be fun!

If you hear a very loud scream emanate from the direction of Buttfuck this evening, you'll know who it is. I am hoping to keep my arms at least. The fingers are negotiable. Ask Marley.


Ms. Moon said...

Go buy some of those atlas gloves. Okay? Next- hold the cat firmly at the back of the neck with one hand while using the other to wash his shitty ass. This paralyzes the cat. In theory. I am sure you know this but...just a reminder.
I think that the Viking should help you with this project. It's really best done by two, plus, cuts the number of fingers removed per person in half.
Good luck!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Maybe I will draft the Viking for assistance. He just adores the cats so! NOT.

Love you.

Jeannie said...

This is major foreshadowing of a spectacular blog post - but a very difficult real life situation. Good luck!

Love you!

Karen at French Skinny said...

Sarcastic Bastard, I love you so much. This is the funniest freaking thing I've read in a long time. I'm crying. Sill laughing. And believe me I needed it.
You are awesome.


Jojesek said...

I can hardly wait to hear the cat bathing story.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

And I love you. I hope the post-shadowing includes my two arms and all my fingers still attached!

And I love you and am SO HAPPY I gave you a laugh.

Thanks for reading me.

mrs. miss alaineus said...

gee, it's only 98F here (heat index is 110F). I think you should get the viking to film the cat bath. kitty has to have a bath about once a month for similar reasons. i switch up between the sinks, tub and laundry room so she doesn't know where she'll be. she can't get out of the laundry room tub, usually that's the easiest one to contain her in. she makes awful sounds and purrs at the same time so i am not sure what to think about that.


Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dear Mrs. Miss A.,
It helps me to know that you've been there (cat batheing). It really does. I am guessing that you even still have all your fingers.

I love you and Tony.


Parabolic Muse said...

Oh, man, I hope you're still okay out there.

Syd said...

Wow, Buttfuck is as hot as dear old Chaztown. It is going to be over 100 heat index all weekend. I've washed quite a few cats....carefully.

Shaboom said...

I almost choked on my pain au chocolat this morning while reading your post. I used to live in (near?) Buttfucked so I feel your pain re: the heat. Just know it is freezing in Paris... sweaters and scarves JULY!!

I was so tickled that I had to read it out loud to Cashew who is convinced your follow-up will include laments due to the new washer not fitting, and perhaps a kerfuffle with the installation technician.

I'm less concerned with your appliances and more interested in the great cat bath battle saga. Bon courage!

I agree with Jeannie - this is great foreshadowing for a future post, and I can't wait to read it!

Big bisous mon ami,

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I am so happy to hear from you. I have been reading for so long about your marvelous life in Paris, that I feel like I know you. Glad you liked the post. I will post a follow-up on the whole situation next week. Obviously, I still have all my fingers after bathing the damn cat last night, since I am typing this.

Thanks again for reading. Take care.



Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'm okay, love. I keep on keepin' on.

Carefully IS the way. Laugh.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Dearest SB, what an absolutely brilliant and hilarious post. You crack me up. I hope the cat bath went well! I love you xx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, Christina. I still have all my fingers, so it went well.

I love you MAS!

Mel's Way or No Way said...

You know that we are laughing our asses off here in MN...laughing with love, but laughing nonetheless.