Tuesday, February 17, 2009

That Dumb Ass Billy Mays vs. ShamWow Vince

NEWSFLASH: I guess there is sort of a war going on between that dumb ass Billy Mays and the ShamWow guy, Vince. Billy can spray KABOOM at Vince, and Vince can soak it all up with his miraculous ShamWow!

I hear that Billy is making hateful comments about Vince because his insecure, pepaw, dumb ass feels threatened by Vince's STUNNING salesmanship. Of course, SB is taking ShamWow Vince's side, because my ass hates Billy Mays.

SB needs a damn ShamWow to soak up dog diarrhea or to wipe coffee from the front of my shirt on the three-minute drive in to work in the mornings. Yes, I know Moms--I should use THE EXPENSIVE CABELA'S STAINLESS STEEL TRAVEL MUG you spent all that money on! I know what you're thinking. I can read your mind all the way from the Trailer Park of Nirvana retirement villa (and it's pronounced VEE-ya, you bunch of dumb fucking gringos--it's not my fault your ass learned Spanish from damn Taco Bell commercials).

Also, a ShamWow might come in handy after I get drunk and spill half a bottle of Merlot on the beige carpet. It happens, people, and yes, sometimes I grab a pair of pants and try to wear them as a jacket to walk the dog in. Smart-ass motherfuckers.

Here is a clip of ShamWow Vince in action. GO VINCE! Maybe I should get TEAM SHAMWOW t-shirts screened. Your thoughts? And fuck off if you like Billy Mays.

3 comments:

Alec Beattie said...

Big Deal! I can hold more than 20 times my weight in liquid too.

Robin said...

Admit here that I am actually a MeMaw, but I will swear by Sham Wow. Keep your spirits high...robin

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks for commenting and for not being the typical lazy bastards who read this blog.