It No Workee

When I'm drunk and the pigs pull me over and threaten to take my ass to jail for DUI, this is sometimes my response. It no workee.

What in Sam Fuckin' Hell?

EPIC chapeau FAIL.

The Royal Teeth?

The Sears Dental in the mall has a pretty low advertising budget, so you know this will be the new window ad for their teeth whitening services. In these tough economic times, a bitch needs to be frugal!

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Because I Find Karl Lagerfeld Scary, Okay?

Go the Fuck to Sleep

A must-have book for SB!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1381178/Forget-Goodnight-Moon-Frustrated-fathers-bedtime-story-titled-Go-F--To-Sleep.html

Here's Your Cute for the Damn Day

You're welcome!

There are a lot of assholes in Ohio.

http://www.truecrimereport.com/2011/04/james_brent_whitehouses_8_hors.php#more

Another Worthless Asshole Who Likes to Starve Dogs

http://blogs.citypages.com/blotter/2011/04/bryan_hutcherson_starved_pit_bull.php

I'm all for starving this sonofabitch while he's in the pokey.

Shit SB Says in Comments to Her Gorgeous Friend, Christina

I considered joining the Hare Krishna's in my youth, but then decided I don't look good with that short of hair. Almost no one does.

Peep Tableaux Art

[In a comment to Ms. Moon.]

p.s. I hate Peeps. Fuckers are nasty. I do enjoy Peep art though, where they pose the Peeps in tableaux. Maybe I'll post some of that shit.

Here you go. Link to a shitload of Peep art for you motherfuckers:

http://www.urlesque.com/2010/04/02/peep-modernist-the-best-peep-art-creations/

Shit SB Says to a Co-Worker

The Royal Wedding is going to be a great show. NOBODY KNOWS PAGEANTRY LIKE THE ENGLISH! NOBODY. What have we got to compare over here? The damn Superbowl? I think not.

Two Nice Kids are Getting Hitched on Friday. I Wish Them Well.

SB's groggy ass will be up VERY early, watching the televised coverage Friday morning on BBC America. Like many, I watched William grow up, and I am very proud of the good man that he has turned out to be. He is sweet, respectful, hard-working, smart, tender, and conducts himself in the best manner possible. He is a great brother and a wonderful son. I expect that he will make a fine and considerate husband. I adored William's mother and know how very proud she would be of him. Rightfully so.

I expect that William will be one of the most beloved kings of all time, and I wish William and his lovely bride all good things.

I just hope Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's nose makes it through the ceremony.

A GROSS Morning (from an e-mail to Ms. Moon this a.m.)

My morning started off GROSS. I came down the steps, half-a-damn-sleep, and six of the cats were gathered round and attacking something over the grate in front of the fireplace. At first, in my sleep-foggy horrified mind, I thought that shit was a REALLY skinny snake of some sort (I was already planning a move), and then, I realized it was originally probably about a 6-inch nightcrawler, who had been traumatized and stretched to about 10-fucking-inches by the six overly-interested cats. What sort of worm Karma would a motherfucker have, to wind up in my house with 7 fucking cats and a diarrhetic dog? I gathered about 8 yards of paper towels up and scooped that long skinny sorry motherfucker up and deposited his traumatized entrails-hanging ass outdoors. Fucker’s a goner, I’m pretty sure. A bitch had bad dreams most of the night, and I hadn’t even had a sip of damn coffee, when I to handle all this! Christ, I hope this is NOT an indicator of the day ahead of me.

David Foster Wallace on Depression

It is a level of psychic pain wholly incompatible with human life as we know it…a sense of radical and thoroughgoing evil not just as a feature but as the essence of conscious existence…a sense of poisoning that pervades the self at the self’s most elementary levels…an unnumb intuition in which the world is fully rich and animate and un-map-like and also thoroughly painful and malignant and antagonistic to the self.

It seems to me that this is one of the truest and best descriptions of depression I've ever read.

Shit SB Says in Comments to Her Brother, Hank

Trust me, the cat is thinking: I'd like to eat that motherfucking hat.

I know that I was a large cat in a former life. I size everything up as to whether it would make a good meal or not and whether I can take it down if it's living. I'm quite serious too. All of my friends are smaller, just in case. [Okay, I kid about that part.]

To view the picture and Hank's wonderful and witty photo blog, click the fuck here: http://dreamslikethat.blogspot.com/2011/04/curious.html

[And if you comment, comment some nice complimentary shit, or SB is going to fuck you up.]