Wednesday, April 27, 2011

A GROSS Morning (from an e-mail to Ms. Moon this a.m.)

My morning started off GROSS. I came down the steps, half-a-damn-sleep, and six of the cats were gathered round and attacking something over the grate in front of the fireplace. At first, in my sleep-foggy horrified mind, I thought that shit was a REALLY skinny snake of some sort (I was already planning a move), and then, I realized it was originally probably about a 6-inch nightcrawler, who had been traumatized and stretched to about 10-fucking-inches by the six overly-interested cats. What sort of worm Karma would a motherfucker have, to wind up in my house with 7 fucking cats and a diarrhetic dog? I gathered about 8 yards of paper towels up and scooped that long skinny sorry motherfucker up and deposited his traumatized entrails-hanging ass outdoors. Fucker’s a goner, I’m pretty sure. A bitch had bad dreams most of the night, and I hadn’t even had a sip of damn coffee, when I to handle all this! Christ, I hope this is NOT an indicator of the day ahead of me.

10 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

And here's what Ms. Moon wrote back to her beloved Ms. Bastard:
Good morning!
I'm fine, just crazy and Pearl is breathing. Beyond that, can't say much. Except praise holy Possibilian that I didn't have to deal with a preternaturally long worm degutted by animals this morning.
That was a really hard sentence to type.
I had the dreams too. Opera House dreams. I can't remember much and that's a damn blessing.
Check out the Possibilian thing. I think it's hysterical. I wrote about it yesterday.
I love you!
You're amazing!
You make my world ten inches longer than it would be without you!
Mary

Sarcastic Bastard said...

And you know what I replied to your reply, and I meant it too!

Love you SO DAMN MUCH.

All This Trouble... said...

Hey, at least you weren't the worm! Worms get a bad wrap, you know? They help us so much and they get almost nothing for it. Right?

Right?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

ATT,
Yeah, it sucked for the worm. No doubt.

Mel's Way or No Way said...

A shitty way to die...and a shitty way to wake up.
I was thinking that if f I don't change my ways, my fate could be the same as that poor worm's.

Reminds me of the time A returned home from a night of heavy drinking to find her walls splattered with blood. The cat had caught and wounded a bat and then the poor thing had flew around spraying blood everywhere. Looked like a fucking murder scene.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Mel,
Poor A. How GROSS is that shit? MAJORLY GROSS.

Love to you and A,

Moi

Syd said...

You needed to put it on a hook and go fishing.

Kathleen Scott said...

Poor thing.

Your kitties were lucky. We have 6 inch Giant Redheaded Centipedes here that might inflict damage on 6 cats. http://hillcountrymysteries.blogspot.com/2009/06/wild-west.html

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Kathleen,
Jesus. I couldn't deal with the snakes in TX either. I am a total puss. If it has no legs, or too many damn legs, like the centipedes, I can't deal.

It takes balls to live in Texas or Florida.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Oh nooo! Not first thing in the morning. BEFORE you even had your coffee. I feel for you. Love you my friend xx