Thursday, March 31, 2011

SB ADORES Ruby Gettinger!

She's good Savannah people. If you haven't watched Ruby yet, check that shit out!

How a Dame Should Look

If I was a guy, these skinny-stick bitches wouldn't do it for me. I'd be chasing after this shit here.

Stupid Katie. Not Swedish Fish. Swedish DICKS.

I still think this is funny as fuck. It's the only way Katie will get any peen. Bitch ain't getting it from Tom.


Your dose of cute for the damn day.

You're welcome!

Der Fuhrer Much?

Vain. Dumb. Ass.

Yes, I'm MEAN. We've established that. But this strikes me as funny.

He WOULD be from Ohio.

This may well be me in another 10 years or so, my fat ass fused to a chair. The Viking would REFUSE to feed me though. He doesn't want to bone a fat ass.

A nice lady needs help.


Web site for donations:

Thank you.

Quote of the Damn Day: Morrissey

I'm doing very well
I can block out the present and the past now
I know by now you think I should have straightened myself out
Thank you, drop dead

[I was listening to this song, Something Is Squeezing My Skull, on the way into work this morning. It suited my mood perfectly.]

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Quotes of the Damn Day: Andy Warhol

I suppose I have a really loose interpretation of 'work,' because I think that just being alive is so much work at something you don't always want to do.

Sometimes people let the same problem make them miserable for years when they could just say, "So what." That's one of my favorite things to say. "So what."

[Note from SB: Fuck it or who gives a shit work fine too.]

She's the Original (Whore) Alright

Actually, I like the Kardashian kid. She's alright.

Yes, I am in an uncharitable mood this morning. Go figure.

This is quite simply amazing. Kisha Curtis is an asshole. May she rot in hell.

This dog survived starvation and being thrown down a garbage chute by a fucking asshole. I'd like to starve Kisha Curtis's fat ass in retaliation. Bitch could miss a damn meal. Wouldn't hurt her none.

I just posted an update on this amazing little guy, with new pictures. It can be found here.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Quote of the Damn Day: David Foster Wallace from Infinite Jest

God seems to have a kind of laid-back management style I’m not crazy about.

Monday, March 28, 2011

This is why I read the English papers. The subtle understatement amuses me.

Background: There is a missing Egyptian cobra at the Bronx Zoo.

Worryingly, experts say the cobra is likely to make itself know again when it becomes thirsty... or HUNGRY.

I'd like to shove that cell phone up your ass.

Nobody enjoys your personalized ringtone, but you, fucker.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Eat Me, Bieber. Apology NOT Accepted, You Little Twat.

We ARE evil, but that pussy, Bieber, is not allowed to say it. I'll bet he likes evil American dollars just fine. Fucking hypocrite.

James Dean's Secret Shouldn't Have Been a Secret at All

Evidently, it has come to light that the actor James Dean was molested by his minister as a child. Liz Taylor made a journalist (Sessums) promise not to reveal it until she died. I find it thoroughly sickening. I loved James Dean. I have photos of him and Marlon Brando in my bar area at home.

I guess, understandably, it really bothered him in to his adult years. I just wish Jimmy had not felt the need to keep it a secret. It sure as fuck wasn't his fault. May the minister rot in hell.

Grandma Peg Used to Say Everybody's Got a Secret Talent

Grandma wasn't shitting.

Why I Love Rufus

Rufus is even nice to memaws.

I Just LOVE the Damn Photo, Okay?

Shit SB Says to Ms. Moon (Her Idol) in a Comment

I hope poor old Pearl goes in her sleep, too. Although it must be somewhat confusing to pass that way. Have you ever thought about that? I have. If someone I loved died in their sleep, I would feel compelled to shout: YOU ARE DEAD NOW. GO TO THE LIGHT! GO TO THE LIGHT! or some shit like that. I wouldn't want them to be confused about the situation. That could be horrifying.

I, too, thought of the bad Pearl/Pearly Gates pun, and I also thought of entitling a post: PEARL DEATHWATCH 2011, but I thought it would be in bad taste.


I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

I think this shit may have been photoshopped.

Morrissey: It's Not Your Birthday Anymore

Your voice it might say 'no'
but the heart has a will of it's own
your voice it might say 'no'
but the heart has a heart of it's own

it's not your birthday anymore
there's no need to be kind to you
and the will to see you smile and belong has now gone

it's not your birthday anymore
did you really think we meant
all those syrupy, sentimental things
that we said?

It cannot be given
and so it must be taken
it cannot be given
and so it must be taken

All the gifts that they gave can't

compare in any way to the love I am
now giving to you right here
right now on the floor

all the gifts that they gave can't

compare in any way to the love I am
now giving to you right here
right now on the floor

it's not your birthday anymore

there's no need to be kind to you
and the will to see you smile and belong has now gone

it's not your birthday anymore

did you really think we meant
all those syrupy, sentimental
things that we said yesterday?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Some Crackpot Shit My Dad Would Like to Look at While His Old Wrinkly Ass Is on the Toilet

Link (for you technologically-challenged motherfuckers, who can't figure it out):

I love to take a crap in Dad's bathroom. Fucker has the most interesting reading basket, chock full of conspiracy theory works and other weirdo shit. The basket contains such best-sellers as: Why Jesus Was Actually a Space Alien! [it sure would explain a lot] and The Atlas of Strange Phenomena, which is a minor letdown since there is no exclamation point at the end of the damn title.

I should point out that it would be the way the powers-that-be work, that one of history's worst actors is chosen as an immortal. Heather Ledger died young. Why couldn't he have been the immortal?

I Just Like the Damn Photo, Okay?

I always found Dave very catlike.

[I know, I know--this blog is turning into a Cat Fancier's blog. Fuck you.]

I'm with Morrissey. The Chinese ARE a subspecies.

"Did you see the thing on the news about their treatment of animals and animal welfare? Absolutely horrific. You can't help but feel that the Chinese are a subspecies."

Fuck you, China! BIG FUCK YOU.

Shit SB Says

I had a spam visit from someone named Shemale Porno this morning. My day is complete.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Shit SB Says to the Moms

There's the house where the little 90 year old lady was out last winter, struggling to shovel her driveway. I didn't stop to help her, mind you. I just enjoyed watching her struggle. The task was practically Herculean.

I make you proud, don't I?

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

David Bowie and his son, Duncan Jones.

What a Vag!

Friday, March 18, 2011

Quote of the Damn Day: Florrie Fisher. SURPRISE!

All of you people who say LSD, if you’re emotionally stable it doesn’t give you a bad trip. It’s a lie! I was thrown from a horse and I had a laminectomy and I ended up in the San Francisco General Hospital. I was operated on by the same doctor who operated on the late Jayne Mansfield’s son Zoltan when he was mauled by the lion. Well, while I was there they brought in a straight B student, twenty-one-year-old girl from the University of Southern California... Well, when I saw her, she was in the psychiatric ward. She had taken a trip on LSD and it was devastating... One of her college buddies came to visit her and bought her a cube of sugar which had LSD in it and she decided to escape. The avenue of escape she used was to go out the sixth floor window. How was she going to do that? She took one sheet, and even on a king-size bed I’m sure you all have an idea of the length of a sheet. With that length, she had to tie it to the bedpost and she lowered herself out the sixth floor. So of course she dropped five stories. When I saw her, she was on a striker frame... This girl’s neck was broken in six places. I found out since that they have fused her spine and her neck and she will always be stiff. But it doesn’t make any difference because she is a raving maniac and her prognosis is nil.

[Note to you motherfuckers who read my crap: If you added a fuck you or two to this shit, it could be SB talking. Florrie and I have staunch personalities. I'm trying to bring back the word staunch.]

More on Florrie

Florrie Is a Hot Mess, and I Dig Her!

"Uh, you made it seem obvious that anyone who takes drugs or let's say marijuana is seeking some kind of, uh, mind satisfaction or that they have worries. And then you also stated that that they need psychiatric help. I don't think anybody who...I don't think it's necessarily true that anyone who tries pot needs psychiatric help because, uh, marijuana is very much like cigarettes. You have many kids right here in this audience who sit down and smoke or who drink occasionally and I think they need...if, if a pot smoker needs, uh, psychiatric help they need just as much psychiatric help as any other pot smoker."

Uhhhmm, say what? You don't say that bullshit to Florrie! Let the damn fuckery ensue, motherfuckers! Florrie is SB's kind of ho.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Your Daily Dose of Cute

You're welcome, motherfuckers!

Elephantitus of the Nuts in Honor of Ms. Moon's Geography Teacher

I guess that shit would preclude sex, huh?

Scared Monkeys

The British press is reporting that there are Americans on the West Coast who are actually crying when told that iodine supplies are sold out. Have I mentioned that I'm often highly embarrassed by my countrymen? The idiocy. These same people probably voted for George W. Bush twice.

Thanks for Visiting, Jakarta!

My ass is getting some fairly sizeable hits from Jakarta this morning. Okay, I got TWO hits, but this is a massive upswing compared to normal. WELCOME JAKARTA!

[I ain't too proud to suck some Jakarta ass to up my stats.]

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I'm Just in Awe of the Damn Picture, Okay?

Crash landing: The young bald eagle's head pokes through the windscreen after a truck hit the bird at 60mph in Bear Lake, Idaho. It suffered internal bleeding but no broken bones

This poor Eagle collided with a semi-truck at 60 MPH. It survived and has been rehabilitated and released back into the wild.

If Your Blog Is a Poetry Blog, I'm NOT Following You

So forget that shit.

The Latest in an E-mail this Morning to My Idol, Ms. Moon

I don’t know if I told you, but Mrs. Born-Again Biker from Hell, finally kicked the off-the-wagon Mr. Born-Again, out (he started drinking again). The landlord came and told me that the cops were called, and she signed a paper to get him thrown out. I was cautiously thrilled, but told my landlord that she was not great either. Well, last week or so, she didn’t come home to claim her kids, who somehow, the neighbor was babysitting. A friend came and picked them up and took them over to her/our house (it's a double) and then, she wouldn’t come home to take the kids off the friend’s hands, so said friend was out on the front porch, cursing loudly on her cell phone, and unfortunately, the front porch is right under my bedroom window. I opened the window and told the woman (angry loud butch type) that I had to work the next morning and it was after 11:00. She said she was sorry, but she was “pissed off” because her mother had Alzheimer’s and she needed to get home to turn her over, and Mrs. B-A was not coming home to her kids. I heard her yell into her phone: “We aren’t friends after this.” Understandably.

Last night, after 10:30,I hear yelling out in front of the house again, and I open my window to find said friend/woman and two men, drunk (or high), joking and horse-playing loudly, again right under my bedroom window. So I raise my window, and say, rather politely, I thought: “Not to be rude, but I have to work in the morning.” Said woman replies: “I know, I know, you have to work in the morning.” The men were also smart asses, apologizing exaggeratedly. Naturally, Mrs. B-A was in the house and didn’t bother to shut her friends up. I’m going over today to have a talk with her, and if it happens again, I’m going to tell her I’m calling the landlord. I was so mad, I couldn’t get to sleep for hours, so I am a damn zombie today. I could fucking murder her, and I rue the day they moved in. I had a gut feeling they would be trouble.

Also, I started taking vitamin D3, because it helps with depression, and got the dosage wrong, and instead of taking 2000 IU, I have been ingesting 10,000 IU daily, which may explain my recent bouts of insomnia. Great huh?

Friday, March 11, 2011

Whoever Reads Me from the Armed Forces, THANK YOU and Stay Safe

God bless you. I hope I make you laugh.

[Or, if you're looking at Coco, I hope you get a good wank out of it.]



I'm still in love with Bill, too! And I'll fight that fat ass, Monica, for him. I'll give that bitch a BEAT DOWN!

Seriously, I am STILL in love with Bill Clinton. I think Bill should be president AGAIN. He'd straighten this hot mess of a country out. I don't give a flying fuck what Bill did in his personal life either. I didn't vote for his ass based on his morality. I voted for him so that he could do a good job as president, and HE DID. Bill is my favorite president and always will be.

My great-grandmother had a lighted picture of JFK on her wall. My ass will have a lighted photo of Bubba, or even better, a life-sized statue in my entryway! You betcha, motherfuckers.

[Bill, I'm a fat ass like Monica. If you like the fat asses, give me a call! I'll be waiting by the phone.]

More Puritanical American Bullshit that Makes the U.S. Look Like a Bunch of Goddamn Morons

Even the damn victim thinks this shit is ridiculous. I agree.

[And also, I'm just grouchy because I'm missing Ms. Moon this morning.]

Retarded Dude Makes Off with $200K in Art

Monday, March 7, 2011

Quotes of the Damn Day: Shelby Foote

"If Americans were anything as superior as we claim to be, we would be paragons of virtue, and of course, we're not that. But we are superior in another sense. And our superiority comes from this diversity of the way we're made up. We can see a subject in a different way from the way a Frenchman or an Englishman or a German would see things because so many different points of view are combined in the one American mind. It gives us a view of things that's extremely valuable to the world as well as to ourselves."

"People want to know why the South is so interested in the Civil War. I had maybe, it's a rough guess, about fifty fistfights in my life. Out of those fifty fistfights, the ones that I had the most vivid memory of were the ones I lost. I think that's one reason why the South remembers the war more than the North does."

"There is something that is too often overlooked of a far serious nature than the usual business about drawls and accents and overalls. And that is we truly, having lost a war, know a tragedy that other Americans do not know or have not experienced. Certainly not until Vietnam. We know what it means to lose a war. But what we have gained from it is of more value than the people who won the war got from it. We got a true sense of tragedy, and I think that it counts in part for the dominance of Southern writers in the history of American literature, particularly in this century."

This Man Is Precious to Me.

We both come from old aristocratic Mississippi Delta families, and I named one of my cats after him: Shelby Lee Foote. The cat is appropriately gray in color.

If there is anybody I would rather have had a drink on the porch with (other than Ms. Moon and Kurt Vonnegut), I can't think of who.

I love you, Mr. Foote, wherever you are.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Sometimes I look like this bitch after a rough night out.

Who gives a shit? It's not all about looks, people.

I Don't Care if it's Popular or Not, I'm with Matt Damon

Obama needs to grow some balls. I'm pissed off about Afghanistan and his pussy stance with gay rights too.

And may I just add that I am not a particular fan of Matt Damon's. I don't even think he's all that good-looking. I'll take Ben Affleck.

I'm Tired as Fuck of the Charlie Sheen Coverage

Charlie will do what Charlie will do. I'm sick as ass of hearing about him.

Old Doc Young

I was talking with the Moms last night about the old country doctor who delivered me.

Once, he prescribed some nerve pills for the Moms, and when she came in for a follow-up appointment, he asked her how she liked them and whether she had experienced any side effects.

The Moms said, "No. I haven't experienced any side effects."

Doc Young replied, "That's funny, when I took them, they made my mouth dry."

The Moms and I think old Doc Young sampled a lot of the medications he prescribed to his patients. Maybe he felt it was his duty as a doctor not to prescribe anything he hadn't taken himself. Or maybe, he just enjoyed taking drugs.

We used to pass Doc Young's house and see him out mowing his lawn on a riding mower, with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips, in the near dark.

The old doctor passed years ago, but I still miss him. He was one of a kind.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Some Fashion Advice from SB

If your dumb ass is going to insist on wearing pajamas, STAY AT HOME! Wearing pajamas in public makes you a slovenly motherfucker, and you ought to pay my ass to have to look at that shit.

You're welcome!

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

Don't ask me the meaning of this fuckery, because I am not omniscient (look it up, you ill-educated, lazy damn dolt).

Shit SB Says

The Mormons are going to be so disappointed when they die and realize they could have been having fun all that time.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

If I had to come to America for a long tour, I'd commit suicide too.

I love the band Joy Division, and I was reading an online bio of the band, when I encountered this:

Despite the band's growing success, vocalist Ian Curtis was beset with depression and personal difficulties, including a dissolving marriage and his diagnosis with epilepsy. Curtis found it increasingly difficult to perform at live concerts, and often had seizures during performances.

On the eve of the band's first American tour in May 1980, Curtis, overwhelmed with depression, committed suicide.

See it.

I swear it was funnier the second time around.

Shit SB E-mails Her Idol, the Beautiful Thespian, Ms. Moon

Did you catch Bourdain last night? He was in Haiti with Sean Penn. Good stuff, but depressing as shit. It makes you feel lucky for what you have. Sean has been there for a year now, and believe me when I say, there are NO luxuries. Let Bill O’Reilly’s dumb ass try that. Fucker.