Friday, December 23, 2011

Happy Holidays to All My Motherfuckers!

I promised I would still post from time to time. So, here it is bitches! I did not lie to my peeps.

I just want to wish all of you and yours a VERY happy holiday season and the best goddamn new year EVER. I think we all deserve it.



A Christmas Exchange While Out Walking the Dog the Other Night

Merry Christmas!

Lady, I know you mean well, but I'm about as Christian as Jesus's right nut.

Well, there's no need to be profane about it.

Shit SB Says in an E-mail to Ms. Moon

I just said something positive in the hallway to the arrogant son-of-a-bitch I can’t stand. I’ve done my Christmas duty. I even smiled at the fucker.

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Moms Thinks the Damn Spirit Guides Are Coming to Get Her

I was telling Ms. Moon that the Moms was shopping at Marshall's yesterday and noticed a cart needing to pass coming up behind her. The Moms turned around to let the man with the cart pass, and he was a young Pakistani/Indian man, and he asked the Moms: Do you believe in angels or spirit guides? 

Well I think I have said before that Moms think angels are a load of damn hooey and something about them actively angers her. So before she could answer, the young man said: Because you’re surrounded by them.

The Moms was in total fucking shock. She replied: Well, I guess I am lucky. And the young man said: No, you are blessed. And with that, he turned and left.

Because I know about the Mom’s special angel aversion, she called to tell me about her encounter, and her voice was really upset and shaky. At first, I thought something had happened to Daddums or that she'd been robbed or in an accident or some shit. She said she was just in shock. I told her I thought maybe the young man was a messenger of some sort.

Ms. Moon's reply to the situation cracked me up. See below.

Your poor mom. Look- crazy people can look sane. I had a guy tell me once that I was surrounded by loving spirits of black labs or something like that and I've never owned a black lab in my life and don't care for dogs. But hell- if she's surrounded by spirits then that's great and she doesn't need to change a thing because they've always been there, most likely. 

My response to Ms. Moon's reply below.

I will tell mom about the loving spirits of black labs thing. That will crack her up. The whole thing sort of weirded her out—like the angels are coming to take her away or some shit. I had to try to calm her down. She goes from zero belief in angels to actively FEARING them. Thanks Pakistani guy! He probably thought he was being helpful.

Shit SB Types in Her Ritual Morning E-mail to the Damn Goddess, Ms. Moon

Jesus H. I was saying, before the motherfucker sent, that I thought you might have read late and slept in. GOOD FOR YOU!

Ginger kept fucking slurp/licking all night, so I was awakened like 40 cocksucking times! Motherfucker is sleeping downstairs tonight, and all the motherfucking pussies too. Puppine kept trying to get in the boxes in the bedroom. How can a bitch get good sleep when a bitch is awakened 97 times a night? I ask you.

Quote of the Damn Day: Peter Tosh

Peace is the diploma you get in the cemetery.

I miss him. I love him. And he is on my mind this morning.

The silhouette is unmistakable, isn't it? And don't start with the child molester shit, because like Liz Taylor, I don't believe one damn word of it. Mike was my generation's Sinatra. I literally grew up with him, and I find it terribly sad that the younger generation only thinks of him as this weird child perv.

I could watch Michael dance for hours on end, and I will be sad about Michael until I go wherever he's at now. I wish him peace.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I wish Eleanor Jeffery so much more than luck.

NEWSFLASH: Madonna's Still a Pain-in-the-Ass

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay? Pirate Pussy!

Jesus, they sure look innocent to me.

Where was Kanye? I think he should have grabbed this award away from her dumb ass, too.

SB would have watched this boring ass shit if Kanye had been there! Kanye's mere presence makes shit EXCITING.

SB Is with Emily Ralkan

We just feel totally betrayed by the school,” sophomore student Emily Ralkan said on Penn State firing long-time beloved coach Joe Paterno. “After 60 years of all the work he’s done for us, for them to just fire him is ridiculous. They won’t even let him finish up the season. There’s no loyalty there. And it’s sick. It’s disgusting. He’s probably done more for the school than any of the trustees has.”

The kid has more loyalty and decency than the damn trustees have. 

Suck My Million-Dollar Cock!

Best line to cops trying to arrest a bitch EVER.

I love this post about as much as I love Lo (and that's a damn lot). Please check it out.

For Ms. Moon

Peter Tosh & you know who.

Another Damn Picture I Like

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

To me, Bob Marley was a prophet. I find him extraordinarily beautiful. I also named one of my cats after him, and that's about the highest honor I can bestow. Having one of my cats named after you is like winning a fucking Oscar.

Quote of the Damn Day: Paul Newman

"My mother on her deathbed said, 'Paul, you have to excuse me, I've been lying all these years, I'm not 83, I'm 87.' And when we took her back to Cleveland, to be buried next to my father, her sister was there."

"And I said, 'you know, mother said that she had been lying all these years, and that she wasn't 83, that she was 87.' And her sister said, 'Baloney, she was 93.' "

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

As usual, I am late on this, and it probably won't have the impact it would have had if I had written this shit in September, but here goes nothing.

I feel a need to say something about this past 9/11 anniversary. I noticed something that really disturbed me about people's attitudes during that period of time. I think a lot of folks have let what happened in New York City at the Twin Towers become more about what George W. Bush and his cronies did with the opportunity afforded to them to twist things and to invade Iraq, than about the heroism of the rescue workers, and particularly the NYFD, on that awful bitch of a day.

The firemen who died that day would NOT have hesitated to save anyone who needed rescuing. Their heroism should be what this nation and the world remember and honor, NOT how that cocksucker Bush and his cronies bastardized and used the opportunity to profit from it.

I sat in a restaurant, before a football game on this past September 11th, and during the remembrance ceremony for the fallen rescue workers, watched countless people actually TALK over the ceremony. I was astounded and deeply angered. The thing is, those firemen would have rescued those same thoughtless assholes without hesitation. They didn't give two shits what a person's race or politics or income level was. They would have laid down their lives, because when other people run out of a burning building, their sheer balls and desire to help, overrides the impulse to run, and instead they go in. They do it every damn day, routinely.

Let's make 9/11 about the rescue workers who lost their lives that day, and not the shitty dirty politics of the Bush administration in the aftermath, okay?

The NYFD and other rescue workers lost that day deserve to be remembered and honored. I know I will NEVER EVER forget them. I am, and always will be, in total awe of them. I admire these men so deeply, that I regret my words here are wholly inadequate to express my feelings. They deserve something written by Lincoln or Walt Whitman. No eulogy is good enough. They were the best of us, the best of America. 

Deep Thoughts During My Annual Vag Exam

While I was having my vagina examined this morning, my long-time doc was telling me about rescuing Schnauzers. I almost couldn't get away from her, but she is such a nice lady, I really didn't give too much of a damn. And also, her hands are warm. I think a bitch should have to have warm hands to qualify as an OB/GYN.

The doc also remarked on the economy and talked about being careful with her money. It struck me that maybe the economic troubles we all have been experiencing have not been entirely bad. Maybe they've helped some of us to focus on what's really important and how much is enough.

Jesus. I just had a positive thought before noon. My apologies.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Okay. These are lifelike. NOT.

Your Cute for the Damn Day

You're welcome!

This woman is special to me, and this post is so very wise.

[And I ripped her photo off of her blog.]


I love this man.

He is a Christian in the best sense of the word. He walks the walk.

We haven't seen very much reconstruction of homes for low-income people.

We have seen some the villas, some of the fancy homes along the beachfront being repaired. But there hasn't been much evidence yet of reconstruction of the homes in Port-au-Prince.

This sentence was a subhead in a British newspaper article. It made me laugh.

Scientists confidently reassure us that asteroid YU55 will neither hit us or cause any disruption to our day.

Well thank the Lord. God forbid my day be disrupted.


The saddest thing.

The fucking Duggars are nut jobs.

This bitch is crazy. I'll bet the Mr. can't even feel her damn vagina anymore when he unloads. It's got to be the size of the Holland Tunnel.

This Photo Makes Me Smile

Such a cute happy family.

Quote of the Goddamn Day: the Tearful Dishwasher

My idol, Ms. Moon, pointed the way to the Tearful Dishwasher, and the below quote is part of a response to a damn comment on his blog. If you get such ripe wisdom in a comment, you can imagine the beauty of the posts. Check it out here: You won't be sorry.

Thank you Ms. Moon!

Honestly, I don't know what the fuck is going on here, with any of it.

I will tell you one thing, though. When we was in our fighting class this weekend, and it was hailing and throwing lighting off like mad, this guy come over to me while I was shivering and bleeding and he says, "Hey, lets roll out this tarp I got and we'll make us a little bitty old house out of it, and we can stand in the lee of it and gain us some shelter from the storm."

Which we did.

And it was good. And there was a brother on the ground who stood up with us, and next to me I could feel him shivering and his teeth chattering, and I stood as close to him as I could so he could feel me there, and soak up some of the heat I was throwing off.

And if that is not the purpose of being a living fucking human bean, I don't know what it is.

And that is who you are, and who I am, and I venture that all who come this way and read here are of the same ilk.

We can see each other even in the darkest night, which is the great gift of our compassion.

Monday, November 7, 2011

My Skinny Ass Used to Clean House for My Uncle Ed to Earn Pocket Money in Middle School

That fucker ate fried fucking eggs EVERY DAMN MORNING for breakfast and sometimes for lunch, and his rum-running old ass would put the dishes in the sink and only rinse the front of the damn plates in a half-assed kind of effort, so when the old fuck stacked the plates, the cocksucking egg smears would dry and the motherfucking plates would stick together. It took a bitch FOR-FUCKING-EVER to get all that motherfucking shit off the damn plates. And Uncle Ed was a rich old bastard, but he only paid my poor skinny ass about five bucks an hour. Cheap old motherfucking prick.

I would stand in the kitchen doorway in semi-bemused silence as Ed's dachshund, Fritzie, would piss on the inside of his doorway and all over his wall. I would have told Ed, but I was PISSED ABOUT THE EGGS.

A Conversation

Did you know that Evel Knievel has a son named Steval? That's right--Steval Knievel. 

[Long silence]

Uhhhhmmm, no I didn't.

That's okay. I lied. I just thought it was funny. He SHOULD HAVE had a son named that.

Does anyone else find this as depressing as fuck?

You young dumb cums won't know what a hero this man was. You won't get it. So fuck you. If you're under the age of say 40--you probably shouldn't comment. Just remember SB said this: IF THIS SHIT CAN HAPPEN TO EVEL, WHO WAS ONE VITAL MOTHERFUCKER, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOUR YOUNG DUMB ASS, TOO! 

I Just Like the Damn Men (especially the one on the left)

I Love Iggy Pop--the New Face (Laugh) Of Paco Rabanne

Here's Your Cute for the Damn Day

You're welcome, bitches!

That 5 Hours in Jail Will Really Teach Her

I'm sure the dumb cunt is a changed person now.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Maybe She Could Be More Cute, but I'm Not Sure How

I have a crush on this broad. She has infinite good sense to boot.

Julianne recently said:

First and foremost, I'm an actor, and so I don't want to do anything to my face. I can do whatever I want, and I'm still going to be 49 years old, it's not going to change anything. I don't know that I'm going to look any younger. I'm just going to look like I've had something done to my face.

Shit SB Says

I'm sick of all the Justin Bieber spawn coverage. I'm mainly just amazed the effeminate little dink produced enough sperm to do the job.

SB is NOT a Bieber Liebhaber.

This is because AT LEAST HALF of Americans are total assholes and want to tell everybody else how to live.

My ex-husband was adamant and really an asshole about me changing my last name to his. When the marriage was over, it took me more than a year to get everything changed back to my maiden name. You would not believe the time and paperwork involved. It was a damn part-time job. I will NEVER EVER take a man's name again. And the rest of America can kiss my ass. I don't give a ripe goddamn what they think.

I guess because I was born with a vag, instead of a damn ween, you have a right to legislate what my name is. FUCK YOU! I'm a goddamn tax-paying adult (not a child), and I think I can decide that for myself.

This country is still so goddamn sexist, it's not funny, and we're supposed to be progressive. What a damn joke.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Perhaps it's time to quit.

An Unfortunate Book Title

I'm sure most of us bitches will admit we've dated one of these at one time or another.

This Might Have Helped the Moms

With my brother, I mean. (Fuck you for thinking I meant myself!) That fucker used to like privacy when he took a shit. One time she found my brother trying to take a dump in the toy box, with the lid closed. Fortunately, the little asshole was still wearing diapers. If I had reached in for a Barbie, and instead found POO, I would have been one pissed motherfucker.

Unfortunate Engagement Photos

The cat looks NONE too happy about this development.
Toonces no want um a daddy.

Quote of the Goddamn Day: Raising Arizona

Say that reminds me, how'd you get that kid so darn fast? Me and Dot went in to adopt on account a' somethin' went wrong with my semen, and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, "Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?" Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It's a crazy world.

Uhhhmmm, Puke. Just Keep My Money.

Ben Is an 83-Year-Old Whore

Good going, Ben! I'll file that away for my own pensioner years, just in case. A bitch has got to eat!


Florida Gator Fans Are Lustful Whores

Quote of the Damn Day: Marilyn Manson

I am sorry I went nuts, but I’m a rock star!

Link to story behind the damn quote:

If you don't like Marilyn, fuck you. SB digs him.

Check Out the Amazing Video at this Link, Motherfuckers!

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Rich Really ARE Dumb

Jesus H. Does anybody REALLY think this shit looks good?

Richie's dated everyone in the world at least once, so now he's starting to recycle the broads.

Either that, or he'll have to start asking female fetuses out.

When this doesn't work out AGAIN, he'll be calling you next, Heather. Wait by the phone!

Quote of the Damn Day: Hugh Grant on Being a Father

As much as I adore myself, I’m quite keen to find someone else to care about more.

I heard about this some time back, and it really bothered me.

I just can't fathom it, and I find it extremely sad.

Testicular Ghosts (not just a great name for a rock band)

I see dead people. And testicles.

How would you like to spend the damn afterlife trapped in a pair of sweaty testicles? What sort of Karma would that be?

This is sickening. Please help at the link.

If you have ever gotten any enjoyment (even a little) out of my blog, please help by signing the petition at the link. It would mean a WHOLE LOT to me and to Tony.

I would be so very grateful.

Also a VERY BIG THANK YOU to Baker, Donelson, Bearman, Caldwell, & Berkowitz, P.C., who are providing pro bono assistance with the lawsuit. Who said lawyers suck? These guys sure don't.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Bobby Sherman is an LA Police Officer

Remember Bobby Sherman? Who could forget him? Then and now, bitches!

I LOVE YOU, OFFICER SHERMAN! If my fat ass ever makes it to LA, I hope you'll look the other way on my inevitable DUI. Thanks in advance!

Another Bad Tattoo

I'm glad as fuck this tattoo is not on my personage.

Another album cover that I happen to find strangely fascinating

People with clean minds should not write the titles for album covers. EVER.

Canadian Pastor Creates Alternative to Halloween

Jesus Ween

JESUS WEEN! Get on board, peeps. I ask: Where's the damn sign-up sheet? SB is there!

Christ on a Cracker, Bitches!

Who can live without one of these?

Too bad that one didn't work out better

Mr. Cheney-Potter

A line in a certain Morrissey song comes to mind. When will you die? When he goes, party's at my house!

Quote of the Goddamn Day: Grandpa from Little Miss Sunshine

I can say what I want - I still got Nazi bullets in my ass.

Hot Crackhead Mess of the Week

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

Can you see under all that hair? Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford dresses as rockstars for a Halloween party in Brentwood California

Harrison Ford dressed as an 80s rocker for Halloween.

Monday, October 31, 2011

I Just Like the Damn Picture Because I Idolize Lou Reed

Lou's a grouchy old bitch, and so am I!

Jesus, what a joke.

How can you even have TRIED to fix things in that length of time?

Coco Halloween. GROSS.

This gave me the cries.

God bless Kory and Cooper.

Quote of the Damn Day: Bob Marley

Money can’t buy life.

--Bob Marley's last words

I would tell you what Bob Marley's words mean to me, but I can't even articulate it. They fill my heart. The picture above is my favorite photo of Bob, which I have in large-size, framed upon my wall. I look at it every day, and it makes me happy.

Friday, October 28, 2011

This touched my heart.

However much money Johnny makes, it is not enough.

Check out some of the fan encounters on my favorite Johnny Depp site, starting with this one.

Poor Johnny. These people are just nuts. They write about every minute detail. The actual meeting with Johnny is like 20 seconds, and these motherfuckers go on for 7 pages.

I guess Johnny is our Elvis. Laugh.

Better him than me, as my friend Joe in Georgia says.

If you didn't catch Johnny Depp on Letterman last night, try and do so.

The Hunter Thompson stories were great, and Johnny is such a sweetheart. He really is. I watched it over lunch and so enjoyed it.

I think he's sort of an asshole, but I'm with him on this.

Why You Should Not Exercise

I get it.

If I had to gather around the piano and sing church songs with my family, I'd probably open fire too.

I was very sorry to have found a Web site of my high school graduating class

One of my former classmates posted pictures of his vacation. Jesus.

The site master asked him the question: What do you do now?

Below is his illuminating response. It really makes me proud to have attended the same school with him. Clearly, we had such a quality education.

i worked at El corp. for 14 years but got fired for being bad,oops i got tired of all the back stabin assholes anyway.i still weld but at a smaller shop,i love it there!i do miss my 4 weeks paid vacation,dam-it,that suks big time.

More Shit SB Says

I'm in this weird phase where all I'll eat is sandwich spread. Egg salad. Seafood salad. Ham salad. You name it. I'm eating wheat bread as a hopeless concession to health, but I really only like Wonderbread. My grandpa only ever ate Wonderbread. Clearly, the fruit doesn't fall very damn far from the tree. And also, he was a grouch who pretty much hated people.

Shit SB Says

A whole lot of Americans are unhappy. Don't make the mistake of thinking the expanding waistlines are only due to all the damn food in this country. Some of us are trying to fill a hole inside. Something fundamental is just missing.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Marian Thompson Should NOT Get the Surviving Animals EVER

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

Marisa Berenson & Steven Meisel

Quote of the Damn Day: Marisa Berenson

I love that Tom Ford celebrates every age. He respects and loves the personality of the woman, it doesn't matter how old she is. He's not interested in 14-year-old waifs. Thanks to him and others, my career feels like a continuation, very active and ongoing. I'm still very busy.

Bernie the Fucking Altruist

He made people wealthier, and he also made his son deader. What a guy!

My Next Door Neighbors

My next door neighbors apparently ACTUALLY FUCKING LEFT for their camping vacation to Gettysburg this morning. This, despite the fact it was raining here in magnificent Buttfuck. It was no mean feat for Carol to get Lee's semi-agoraphobic ass out the door in the fine cold rain this morning. You motherfuckers need some back story to fully appreciate the sheer fucking awesomeness of Carol's powers of persuasion.

Here goes.

Several months ago Lee and Carol (who we shall henceforth call the Agoraphobes, when referring to them in tandem--despite the fact that Carol is not actually agoraphobic--it is ONLY fucking Lee). Anyhoo, several months ago, the Agoraphobes were excitedly packing the camper up over the course of several fucking days in preparation for this same trip to Gettysburg. The Viking, being one of Lee's oldest friends, fucking marveled at the sheer persuasive powers of Carol in being able to talk Lee's home-body ass into an actual off -property camping trip. In the past, Lee had camped in the trailer, but only in the back yard for a few days, due to the fact that he was pissed at Carol.

Well, after several days of furious camper-loading and Lee modeling his official wilderness hat (and my laughing my fucking ass off), the Agoraphobes were all packed and loaded and ready to go. But the next day, after I got off work, the fucking trailer was still parked in the goddamn driveway, and the Viking informed me that Lee had suddenly reneged on the trip, due to a forecast of rain in Gettysburg. Clearly, the fucking official hat did not instill Lee's agoraphobic ass with any sort of pioneering fucking spirit. I told the Viking that if I LOADED THE GODDAMN CAMPER UP FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS, my ass would have gone the fuck without Lee, and I might even have picked up a less agoraphobic specimen of manhood in Gettysburg.

So, a few days ago, I encountered Carol in the side yard, where she informed me (with no sense of shame, might I add) that they were again attempting the trip to Civil War town. You can imagine my DUBIOUS FUCKING TOTAL LACK OF HOPE for the prospect, but SB is nothing if not full of faux support for friends. And again, the fucking camper packing next door began in earnest, with a noted lack of millinery modeling by the Agorophobe. (The Viking took this as a potentially hopeful sign. I was not convinced.)

So, at about 5-fucking-a.m. this morning--the scheduled date of departure--the wooden outer screen door began slamming furiously as Carol and Lee entered and exited the house with some last-minute items. Thank you, fucking neighbors! I appreciate your concern for those of us bastards who are not vacationing, but instead slaving away at a job we HATE today. But I digress.

Imagine my TOTAL SURPRISE when I let the Diarrhetic Wunderkind's ass out to piss this morning, only to see with MY OWN SUCKY EYES that the Agoraphobeses trailer had actually left the damn driveway (and the side yard!). All I can figure is that Carol rushed Lee's only semi-coherent partially-awakened ass out the door and into the truck before he fully realized what was happening to him. BEFORE HE COULD FUCKING FULLY FUCKING REALIZE THAT HIS DUMB FAT ASS WAS ACTUALLY LEAVING THE DAMN DRIVEWAY!

What the fuck ever. It worked.

This is not Lee, but some other poor unfortunate motherfucker with extremely BAD taste in camping headwear.