Monday, April 16, 2012

When Will You Die?

Yesterday is not soon enough.

Shit SB E-mails Her Idol of Greatness, Ms. Moon

I think Girl Scout cookies suck ass compared to when I was a kid. They always have Girl Scouts outside our Kroger, trying to guilt you out of your money on the way in and out of the market. I don’t like kids, so I just bare my teeth at them.

Also, little kids are always running up to me when I am walking Ginger or Kyle (The Viking's dog). They always want to "PET THE DOGGIE!” I lie and say they bite small children. I don’t want to be bothered.

The Chinese SUCK ASS

I consider all cats my brothers. This is vile. Too bad the cat didn't get loose and eat the children.


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Shit SB Says to a Co-Worker

It's my birthday. I'm going to go out at lunch and get drunk and come back a hot mess.

Shit SB Says About a Picture of James Fucking Dean

I am guessing by all the Tchotchkes that Jimmy was at his parent's farmhouse in this photo, although he was a gay man. Maybe he liked little ceramic birds and shit.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

A Conversation

That was one of the dwarf couple I told you about, who live here in town, in the passenger seat of the car that just went by.

You’re shitting me. I thought it was just a really old-looking little kid. I thought you were making that town dwarf shit up. I thought that was an Urban Legend.

“We are the loly-pop kids. The loly-pop kids.” 

Hey, that shit’s not funny. Okay, it sort of is.

Carol has been inside their house, and everything is made to scale, even the shitter. Can you imagine your six-foot ass trying to take a dump in there?

The male dwarf writes police departments around the country to try and get them to send him free shirt patches. It’s his hobby. He’s got a collection.

I’m sure he does. Motherfucker could sew one police patch on the front of an infant’s fucking t- shirt and have a cheap, yet smart-looking shirt, to impress his dwarf friends. Or, alternately, he could sew four of the fucking patches together and make a damn tent. Even dwarves like camping. Can you imagine? Half a can a beer and the little midget fucker would be lit. Now that’s a cheap date.