Friday, August 28, 2009

And Brad Pitt Was on the Best-Dressed List this Year

Uhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmm, okay. He looks like one of those pepaws who hang out at the Meijer and drink coffee every morning.

Beautiful Toledo, Ohio, AGAIN--God Help My Sorry Ass

Heading back to beautiful Toledo on Monday morning for my Aunt's dad's funeral. (My Aunt married into our family, so he's not my grandpa, but he is Cousin Sheila's.) Lucky me! Picture the most boring drive in the world and then double the misery. Yeah--that's pretty much it.

Grandpa Ralph (the decedent) was the nicest man EVER and once got stung VERY BADLY by a jellyfish because he mistook it for somebody's lost fanny pack, and he was trying to help a bitch out. Bless his sweet soul! Wasn't that nice?

Have great weekends, all. I'll be back on Tueday, motherfuckers, unless I get splattered across 4-lanes of highway on the way up or back. Wouldn't it be eerie if it ACTUALLY HAPPENED now that I've said that? Think of the hits on my damn blog! Yes, even dead, I'll being checking the stat counter. Headline NY Post: Tragic Blogger Predicts Her Own Fiery Car Crash Death.



I'd Like to Get a Hold of this Motherfucker with a Baseball Bat

I really do wish they'd give SB the job of beating people who are cruel to animals (in a confined space so they can't get away) with a baseball bat. Nothing makes me angrier, especially cruelty to cats, who I consider my kin. Fuck this motherfucker straight to hell.

Link to story at True Crime Report: http//

Bela Lugosi

This morning Bela (the kitten) started to sharpen her itty-bitty claws on SB's NEW FUCKING chair leg, so I gave her ass a light swat on the head. Without missing a beat, Bela swatted my hand right back. I think my ass is in love!

SB Recommended: Frankie & Neffe

There is a new show on BET that I highly recommend for it's educational content. It is called Frankie & Neffe. I watched it last night for the first time and programmed my DVR to record the series.

Frankie is a 20-year-using old wig-wearing crackhead, who is trying to go straight. Her daughter Neffe (their relationship is sort of endearing) is always trying to get Frankie's dumb ass to steer clear of bad influences, such as freeloading former friends. The daughter is the mother actually, as often happens where drugs are involved.

I think Frankie's ass is also addicted to wigs, because bitch has about 10,000 different ones.

On last night's episode, some family intervention counsellor was trying to help Frankie & Neffe learn to communicate better by having Frankie put words on a damn collage for when she runs into temptation with drugs. So Frankie wrote down words like love and understanding. I sort of fail to see how this is going to keep Frankie the crackhead from wanting to smoke that shit. But it was sort of a bonding moment for Frankie & Neffe. They both seemed happy as fuck with the counsellor and the fug collage.

Personally, I'd want to grab for the crack pipe and then stare at the damn collage after I was stoned. That shit is colorful! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I think my ass should get a job as a family services counsellor, if getting former crackheads to paste together fug collages is all it takes. SB could do that shit! It doesn't take a damn degree, motherfuckers.

On a side note, SB has decided that I want to be built like a crackhead. Frankie is skinny as a fucking rail. Teeny tiny.

If the show seems a little hard to get into at first, stick with it. Your ass will be rewarded when you get to see Frankie do the crackhead freakout dance. I make fun, but I sort of find Frankie adorable. I ain't inviting her ass to the house to stay or anything, but I'd sit next to her at a party.

Note: If your ass is short-bus material, that's Frankie on the right in the photo above.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Jayne Mansfield's Dead Dog

Looks like it was one HELL of a party before the accident.

[Thanks DTG!]

Here's a Ringing Endorsement

In a life filled with trials, Ted Kennedy never gave in to self-pity or despair.

--George W. Bush

Nothing like a ringing endorsement from a drunk moron. You know I can't let it alone, people. At least there were no misspellings. The dolt must have finally figured out how to use spell check. Dumb motherfucker.

Senator Ted Kennedy: A Message from President Obama

Michelle and I were heartbroken to learn this morning of the death of our dear friend, Senator Ted Kennedy.

For nearly five decades, virtually every major piece of legislation to advance the civil rights, health and economic well-being of the American people bore his name and resulted from his efforts. His ideas and ideals are stamped on scores of laws and reflected in millions of lives -- in seniors who know new dignity; in families that know new opportunity; in children who know education's promise; and in all who can pursue their dream in an America that is more equal and more just, including me.

In the United States Senate, I can think of no one who engendered greater respect or affection from members of both sides of the aisle. His seriousness of purpose was perpetually matched by humility, warmth and good cheer. He battled passionately on the Senate floor for the causes that he held dear, and yet still maintained warm friendships across party lines. And that's one reason he became not only one of the greatest senators of our time, but one of the most accomplished Americans ever to serve our democracy. I personally valued his wise counsel in the Senate, where, regardless of the swirl of events, he always had time for a new colleague. I cherished his confidence and momentous support in my race for the Presidency.

And even as he waged a valiant struggle with a mortal illness, I've benefited as President from his encouragement and wisdom. His fight gave us the opportunity we were denied when his brothers John and Robert were taken from us: the blessing of time to say thank you and goodbye. The outpouring of love, gratitude and fond memories to which we've all borne witness is a testament to the way this singular figure in American history touched so many lives.

For America, he was a defender of a dream. For his family, he was a guardian. Our hearts and prayers go out to them today -- to his wonderful wife, Vicki, his children Ted Jr., Patrick and Kara, his grandchildren and his extended family.

Today, our country mourns. We say goodbye to a friend and a true leader who challenged us all to live out our noblest values. And we give thanks for his memory, which inspires us still.


President Barack Obama

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Quote of the Day: Ted Kennedy

Senator Ted Kennedy on voting against authorizing the Iraq War:

"the best vote I’ve made in my 44 years in the United States Senate."


NeNe Is the Damn Show!

SB just LOVES The Real Housewives of Atlanta! I loves my NeNe Leakes! I could hang with that bitch. And also, Dwight. I could hang with those two bitches! They need to pay NeNe's ass more moNAY, because I wouldn't even bother to watch that boring-ass shit without her. She IS the damn show.

Mannequin Fetishist of the Damn Week

There's nothing like some mannequin pussay!

Bela Lugosi and Thomas Jefferson

SB's ass went home for lunch today, and when I went upstairs, Thomas Jefferson (my newest cat, who was an outside cat that SB is transitioning in) went poo in the litter box, like a good boy goddammit, but forgot to cover (it happens). So Bela (the kitten) hopped in the box right after Tom and covered Tom's nasty shit up for him. How's that for team work? You could tell Bela was thinking, "What, I got to smell that shit all day, you lazy motherfucker? Uh-huh. No fucking way." [Of course, I picture Bela having the voice of Samuel L. Jackson.]

Note: Thomas Jefferson was actually simply named Tom, but I added Jefferson to honour my favourite founding father, and also to honour George Jefferson, who I sort of walk like.

Florida Granny's Got a Hoe to Defend a Ho

Yes, it's another link you lazy bastards. Click it, because this shit is funny. Memaw means business! DAMN.

Link to Dlisted:

A Gang SB's Ass Could Belong To

[Thanks to my brother from another mother, DTG, for sending me this. Love you DTG.]

You've got to get off your lazy shiftless asses and click for this one, motherfuckers. DO IT!


Uncle Ted Is Gone

SB has the BIG SADS today. I just now heard that everybody's uncle, Ted Kennedy, died. He and I were in agreement on nearly every political issue, and I will really miss his calm reasonable voice and steadfastness.

A few days after his brain surgery, I read that some of the Democrats in congress advised Ted's beloved wife, Vicky, that they really needed Ted's presence in the Senate in order to break a tie vote on an important issue (Medicaid). I think it says a lot that Ted made the great effort to show up and do what he felt was his duty, despite the fact that Vicky didn't want him to go. Ted Kennedy was made of stern and solid stuff. If I was Ted, I probably would have just coasted on the Kennedy name, but Ted worked hard for most of his life.

I remember both Bob Geldof and Bono marveling at Ted's knowledge of Africa's plight. They said he just rolled off facts and figures. He had totally done his homework.

I think one of the most important things that Ted did was to be a surrogate father to his many nieces and nephews. By all accounts, he was well loved and respected by the children of Bobby and JFK, as well as his own kids.

God speed and God bless, Ted. You will be missed.

[If you have anything bad to say about Ted, fuck you. Your comments are not welcome here.]

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Here's Something We All Need to Scare Unwelcome Visitors the Fuck Away

The horror movie shower curtain and bath mat. I'm thinking this would be up DTG's alley and also my bro Nick's ass needs this a here shit.

To order:


"I always wanted to boff an Englishman so I could yell, 'The British are coming!'"

[Okay, okay, I said it.]

Isn't this Ho a Little Old for a Damn Cabbage Patch Doll?

Personally, I found this shit kind of disturbing. It would be my guess that this ho isn't one of the popular sluts at school. Maybe the Cabbage Patch Doll is her only friend. If this bitch wants to be cool, she should have had her pitchure taken with the Kimora Lee Simmons Barbie or the Crazy Cat Lady action figure. Some people you just can't help.

Functional Chic

Right now, I'm holding the gap between my shirt buttons (right over my damn chichis) closed with a binder clip. Who says fashion can't be functional? I may start an office trend.

This Guy

They just found a couple of bodies on this guy's property in Indiana. Hard to believe isn't it? He looks so normal.

If SB's Ass Gets Any Fatter

Seriously, we are having a little battle of the bulge issue again in our little corner of Buttfuck, Ohio. SB is getting so fat, the buttons on my shirts are starting to pull and gap. It's embarrassing. Motherfucker! I LOVE to eat though. I can't help it. And technically these are my FAT ELVIS years. I'm middle-aged, motherfuckers. A motherfucker's metabolism tanks in middle age.

I must admit, I have this fantasy of being SO RICH that I could hire Elvis's old cook, Mamie, to make my ass fried peanut butter and nana sandwiches and ANYTHING ELSE MY HEART DESIRES. I would also like my own personal physician to write me any prescriptions I desire on a whim. Fuck man, who wouldn't? Yes, you would. Just admit that shit right now.

So far this morning, I've had a homemade smores bar, some Cool Ranch Doritos, and some full-fat cottage cheese. I just can't understand why my blouse buttons are gapping. If any of you smart motherfuckers out there can help, please feel free to leave comments. Only helpful comments allowed. Don't be mean motherfuckers! SB is a sensitive soul. Smart asses are always ultra-sensitive on the inside.

The REAL Reason the North Won the Civil War

The Yankees only won the damn Civil War because the South ran out of buttwipe. Those motherfuckers in the North shut down all the supply lines, and the South ran out of NECESSITIES like food, coffee, whiskey, and toilet paper.

So don't you damn yankees feel all superior, because hoarding the toilet paper was the ONLY reason your asses won. THE ONLY REASON.

Too bad dear Shelby Foote isn't still around. I think SB's theory needs further validation.

With the help of Cottonelle (puppies!), THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!

Note: SB only buys the Cottonelle puppies brand buttwipe, because it's the best. Well worth the extra money. SB must have luxurious Bobby Trendy toilet paper! I also always grab the pack at Kroger's, hug it to my chest, and cry "PUPPIES!" joyfully, whenever I buy buttwipe. It was a bone of contention with the ex-husband. For some reason, he found that shit embarrassing.

Monday, August 24, 2009

SB No Wantum Post Today Bitches

SB is feeling like a lazy uninspired Monday motherfucker today, and her no wantum post. Hope all you motherfuckers are swell.


Friday, August 21, 2009

If This Isn't Nice, What Is?

"My late Uncle Alex Vonnegut, my father’s kid brother, a Harvard-educated life insurance agent in Indianapolis who was well read and wise, was a humanist like all the rest of the family. What Uncle Alex found particularly objectionable about human beings in general was that they so seldom noticed it when they were happy.

He himself did his best to acknowledge it when times were sweet. We could be drinking lemonade in the shade of an apple tree in the summertime, and Uncle Alex would interrupt the conversation to say, “If this isn’t nice, what is?”

I myself say that out loud at times of easy, natural bliss: “If this isn’t nice, what is?” Perhaps others can also make use of that heirloom from Uncle Alex. I find it really cheers me up to keep score out loud that way."

--Kurt Vonnegut

I say "If this isn't nice, what is?" quite a lot to honor, Mr. Vonnegut, my favorite author and maybe my favorite human being. And then I almost always add, "God bless you Kurt and Uncle Alex wherever you are. I hope it's nice." It's a ritual I have, and if no one else is around, I say it to the cat or the dog. Who gives a shit? The main thing is to say it and thereby to recognize happiness. It's American Zen.

Did Somebody Steal Jon Voight's Damn Brains?

"There's a real question at stake now. Is President Obama creating a civil war in our own country?" the native New Yorker, who is hopefully just preparing for a new role as a hysterical Giuliani worshiper, tells the Washington Times today. "We are witnessing a slow, steady takeover of our true freedoms. We are becoming a socialist nation, and whoever can't see this is probably hoping it isn't true."

You know Jon Voight may well be the reason I'm a liberal democrat today. The film he and Jane Fonda starred in, Coming Home, was a HUGE influence on my young mind. I can't express how HUGE of an influence the film actually was (I have even considered chaining myself to a gate--or at least the post office--in protest of the war in Iraq--I loathe the damn post office, but that's another story), so it is particularly bitter to read this quote, like when Dennis Hopper became a friend of George W. Bush's and visited the White House and had dinner with that fucking moron multiple times. I'M STILL MAD ABOUT THAT SHIT. SO MUCH FOR THE COUNTER CULTURE, DENNIS, YOU DICK.

I'm glad Angelina keeps the kids away from Jon Voight now. My ass was feeling sorry. Now, not so much.

This Face

Don't laugh, motherfuckers. I've made this face before and so have you, and you should just admit that shit so we can move on. It's the, "Oh Shit/I'm Busted/It's the Pigs" face. We've all been there, and if you haven't, you haven't really lived. And also in George's case, there's a damn photographer. I am happy there was no photographer when I was having my Oh Shit moment.

And yes, it's George Michael (or Jorge Micheals, if you speak Spanish), looking older (like the rest of us, if we had lived a very hard marajuana/anonymous sex- filled life). But I kid because I love--for SB's money, Jorge has the best voice of ANYLIVINGSINGER, except for perhaps Andrea Bocelli, who I listen to on Sundays because I find that shit sublime and also relaxing, even if the guy has a damn girl's name.

And I don't judge George for his lifestyle, because it's none of my damn business. I could give a flying fuckfuckingfuck about George's sex life, and marijuana should be legal anyway, and we all know it. George has a gift, and SB would forgive him almost anything (even murder) just to be able to listen to him sing.

Don't say anything bad about George in the comments section, either, because he and I grew up together, and I will always love him. He puts the boom boom into my heart.

Uncle Frank & the Longetivity Gene

The daddum's family, the Donegan-Spence family more properly, have the longetivity gene. Problem is, their bodies almost always outlast their mental capacities. The Donegans (and later Spences, after my great-grandfather died and left a youngish widow, who remarried the nicest man ever, who treated all of her many kids like his own, whether they were or not genetically) all lived into their nineties and were EXTREMELY ACTIVE ninety year olds (square dancers, church goers--Baptist of course--they were southerners after all). Ironically, almost all of the Donegan/Spences smoked like chimneys and drank black coffee at all hours of the day.

They were all good-looking, with beautiful eyes and small frames. They hailed from Meridian, Mississippi, where at one time, SB's family (shamefully) owned slaves. The Donegans were quite wealthy until my great grandfather took ill with cancer and lost everything. I have a small dark wood stand that was rumoured to have come from the plantation, and that's all that's left of the old family homestead. Finito.

My (Great) Uncle Frank had astoundingly blue eyes and had worked for the railroad in his younger and adult days. At the family reunions, he would start into stories about hauling water while they were building the railroads when he was a young man. Uncle Frank was adorable, and his eyes were so amazingly blue, I couldn't look away. I didn't mind hearing the water-carrying story over and over, even though his son tried to put the kibosh on it, "Dad, she's already heard that story."

There was a funny story that when Uncle Frank and his sister, Aunt Luna, were in the same nursing home, the aides sat them together for lunch everyday, and the conversation went pretty much like this:

Frank: Who are you?
Luna: Why, who are you?

Everyday the aides had to reintroduce the brother and sister to each other. It's a pretty good damn thing that the two were too old to be interested in dating.

One day, when Uncle Frank was in his 90s (and not yet in the damn old folks home), the Moms and daddums went over to Frank's house and found it open, with no sign of Frank at all. They walked all through the house calling, and then out back of the house--"Frank? Frank?"

My 90-year-old great uncle answered them from the roof of his small, tidy home, where he was cleaning the gutters.

I am amazed by the genes I carry. I marvel and am continually astounded by the blood that runs through my veins. I would have belonged to no other family than the one I have. I won the damn lottery.

I am almost certain my fate will be the same as that of my familial elders. SB will live until her mental faculties are all shot to hell, but my body will keep on ticking, until some major illness wipes it out. It was almost always final and swift cancer or emphysema or pneumonia that the elders succumbed to. As a kid, the hospital almost always meant a fatality. The Donegan-Spences went in, but they usually didn't come out. That may be why I am fairly hospital phobic. I've never been in the hospital since my birth, and I'm 43 years old now, so I think that's a pretty good record to have.

I am expecting the same fate as my forebears, and I will be proud to follow, whatever comes. I feel fortunate to carry the genes.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

NEW SB Feature! Mannequin Fetishist of the Month

SB chose Mannequin Fetishist of the Month because it had better alliteration than Mannequin Fetishist of the Week. Also, there's not as much Mannequin Fetishist fodder as there is Wooly Fetishist material to work with.

Hey, headless mannequins need lovin' (on steep rooftops), too! Can you say perilous plastic pussy plundering?

Wool Fetishist of the Week: DISTURBING

This one's rather disturbing. I guess he/she/it likes bondage AND wool! Well, to each his own. We're not here to judge, are we, my precious little motherfuckers?

SB has admitted a Russell Crowe fetish. I usually like to masturbate during his films, so I don't see them first run in theatres. It makes the other people in the row uncomfortable.

Now, my ass fessed up, so what floats your boat? Don't worry--no one here will judge you. If they do, I'll just delete his/her damn comment. I am the Motherfucking Queen of this Universe! Everyone is allowed to be honest here. There will be no shunning. NO SHUNNING ALLOWED.

Note: The motherfuckers here (and this includes SB!) don't need to hear about your personal fetish in VAST detail. Just a general idea will do fine. I have no wish to start a Mannequin Lovers forum here. Here is a link, in case you think I jest, about der Mannequin Fetishists (the best part is the first comment underneath the damn story.) Link:

I Always Knew Saying Fuck It Was a Spiritual Experience

I just purchased this motherfucking book:

Product Description

Everyone can relate to F**k It. The Times. Saying Fuck It is like a massage for the mind: relaxing you, releasing tension, allowing you to give up on things that aren't working. Just starting to say Fuck It can transform your life. [This shit is exciting! I've always wanted to transform my life through cussing. Finally, a spiritual path my ass can actually embrace!] And John C. Parkin argues that saying Fuck It is a spiritual act: that it is the perfect western expression of the eastern ideas of letting go, giving up and finding real freedom by realising that things don't matter so much (if at all). This is the Fuck It way. [That's my new mantra--This is the Fuck It way, motherfuckers.]

About the Author

John C. Parkin, the son of Anglican preachers [poor fucker], realised that saying Fuck It was as good as all the eastern spiritual practices he d been studying for 20 years. Having said Fuck It to a top job in London, he escaped to Italy to set up the retreat centre The Hill That Breathes, where he now teaches regular Fuck It Weeks with his wife Gaia. He writes regularly on his website ( and has been featured on TV, such as The Graham Norton Show, and in the national press, including The Guardian, The Observer, The Times, Psychologies, Cosmopolitan and Red Magazine.

John C. Parkin, marry me! I believe I've just had a damn spiritual epiphany. I understand the main idea here is that when anything bad happens in your life, the proper response is to YELL, "FUCK IT!" That would definitely be a stress reliever for SB. Fo sho.

Here's something else for your church, Ms. Moon. I think we should add this shit to the spiritual exercises. Capiche?

My Brother the Gully Mower: Update 9 Stitches

Steve had to have like nine stitches, but he's okay. He only took one round of pain medicine (the Moms bragged about this). Why? What the hell's the matter with him? Clearly we are not really related. I'd have taken all the pain meds in one go with wine.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I Want to Bonk Russell Crowe

I'm not sure why, and I suspect it's some sort of deep genetic attraction to cavemen, but SB wants to bonk Russell Crowe. I am deeply sexually attracted to him. The fact that Russ wrestles with the fat and has a REALLY BAD temper just makes SB want to bonk him ALL THE MORE.

E-mail from the Moms

After my cousin's wedding, my parents followed my brother and sister-in-law back to their home in Massachusetts. I just received this e-mail from the Moms. In spite of myself, it made me laugh. You'd have to know my brother.

We made it to MA last night at around 10 o'clock. Their house is beautiful and the view is wonderful. This morning after coffee, Steve proceeded to mow the lawn with his new riding mower. Dad took a walk. The next thing we knew, Steve was in the house with a deep gash/cut on his shin. He had decided to try riding the mower into the gully which runs down behind their house. When the mower got stuck, luckily he shut the mower off and then pulled it backwards and then his foot slipped and went under the mower and the hitch came back into his ankle and made a dent and a trangular cut in his thigh. Because it didn't bleed much, I'm hoping it's nothing serious. They're at the emergency room right now. Will let you know.

SB Is Back Motherfuckers

My grouchy ass is back from Cousin Sheila's wedding. It went off without a damn hitch, except for the 90-degree weather and a few car break-ins out in the lodge lot. And I'm telling you motherfuckers--this fucking park (where the wedding took place) is in Bumfuck-fucking-Ohio. We're talking way out in farm country, with lots of bike trails. So my point is that NO PLACE IS SAFE FROM CRIME. Got me? Thieving motherfuckers just beat a few of the windows in and made off with one of the bridesmaid's iPhone, credit cards, etc. She was really nice about it, but my ass would have been PISSED. So thanks Thieving Motherfucker who put the sole blight on my saintly cousin's wedding day. I'd like to stick that iPhone up your fucking thieving ass.

I was the oldest bitch in the wedding party, but I had the handsomest youngster (and the tallest) walk my fat ass up the aisle. The kid is a dentist, so once he told me that, I covered my teeth with my hands of course. Who wouldn't? Yes, you would.

The wedding party was in the full-on sun, and it was 90-fucking-degrees outside. Our asses were sweating--literally. Then the gorgeous (and I'm serious) day lodge where they had the reception was not airconditioned. And there were like 80 motherfuckers there to party down, and so there was no relief there. SB was so HOT that I stayed in the damn sleeveless dress that didn't fit me quite right the entire time. Normally, my tomboy ass would have been back in jeans and a t-shirt before you could say motherfucker.

Yes, there were pictures, (I hate having my photograph taken), and NO, I'm not sharing. You will never see a photo of SB until my ass loses at least 30 pounds. SB is a vain motherfucker. I will, however, post a photo of my beautiful cousin once the wedding pics are developed. She was the prettiest bride I have ever seen. WE ARE VERY PROUD OF SHEILA. Most of her friends discussed her service works and how unselfish she is. DID I MENTION HOW PROUD WE ARE OF SHEILA? As far as SB is concerned, Sheila is the best of our family, hands-fucking-down. There is nobody I'd rather sweat my ass off for than her. I'd do it again twenty times.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Squeaky Fromme Is Out of the Pokey and on the Loose Again

Here's a blast to the past. Link to story:

I once proposed a TV special called A Manson Family Christmas. Why not? We've had A Partidge Family Christmas and a damn Osmond Family Christmas. Why the fuck not A Manson Family Christmas? Instead of carving the turkey, Charlie could carve swastikas on all the guests' foreheads.

SB Is Going to Toledo to Be the World's Oldest Fucking Bridesmaid

This is just a reminder that SB will not be posting again until next Tuesday. My ass can hear the BIG GROAN OF DISAPPOINTMENT FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD at this sad announcement. Sorry peeps, but SB has to go and be The World's Oldest Damn Bridesmaid at my dear cousin Sheila's weekend wedding in Toledo. Everyone else in the wedding party will be in their 20s and model skinny. Some poor young fellow is going to be stuck having to accompany SB's fat doddering ass down the aisle. His lucky friends will all get to walk with beauty. Damn the bad luck.

SB wisely took Monday off to recover from that shit. Sheila has asked SB to speak at the damn reception, and that shit takes a lot out of me. I am a damn writer, NOT A DAMN SPEAKER! SB is always sacrificing for the ones she loves. It's my nature. If SB were a part of the Donner Pass Party, I would have invited the other's to eat me first. I can't help it.

I guess, since it's now August, and I haven't gone anyfuckingplace this summer, this also will be SB's summer vacation. I'll just pretend that Toledo, Ohio, is fucking Toledo, Spain, and then maybe I can enjoy that damn shithole some.

Have great weekends all. I love ALL my motherfuckers!

Sporty Jesus (for SB's Good Friend Marco)

This post is for my good friend, Marco. Marco is SB's brother in depression. In war you have a Band of Brothers, and in depression, you ought to have some damn backup, too. Sometimes, Marco and I get kind of down, so I particularly enjoy making Marco happy and giving him a laugh. You are loved, Marco.

This is Football Jesus (I am calling it that so I won't upset my brother, Nick, over in England--his ass insists that soccer should be called football. He thinks American football is retarded.).

My one question, upon looking at Footy Jesus, is who the hell is going to have the balls to kick Jesus in order to get the damn ball away? It would have to be a pretty damn boring game to spectate. Nobody's ass is going to take a shot at the Holy One. NO FUCKING WAY. God in heaven would probably smite your ass straight down to hell for kicking his Boy. Do not stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00. Just get your ass STRAIGHT to hell.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Educational Entertainment


Now this is a talent SB would like to have at a party! It's a real showstoppah. The only party talent I have is double-jointed phalanges. I can do a mean Bela Lugosi impersonation. Children of the night. Children of the night.

The Famewhore Squirrel of Canada

Link to story at Dlisted:

Do You Know Why You're Overweight?

There is a new commercial out which asks the viewer the question: Do you know why you're overweight? I'm getting old now, like daddums, who talks back to the TV a lot, so I answered that annoying fucking question with another question.

Do you know why you're overweight?

Uhhhhhhmmmmmmmm, because my fat ass only gets up to take a piss or to stuff my face with junk food and guzzle more wine?

What really kills me is then the announcer's voice goes on to say: It's not your fault you are overweight.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? Who the fuck's fault is it then, if not mine? I don't remember anyone force feeding me brownies and pizza or commanding that I stop exercising.

On second thought, maybe it is somebody else's fault. I got mighty depressed the eight years that damn moron, George W. Bush, was in office. We'll just blame it on him. That was the one good thing that came out of his abortion of a presidency. It gave us a place to lay blame for ALL THE WORLD'S PROBLEMS. I know blaming is not productive, but it sure is FUN!

Chatty Motherfuckers & Close Talkers

We are having a damn open house at work today. This means that the employees' asses had to park in another lot on another street and hike the fuck in, down the hill, through the morning dew and weeds and shit, so our dear customers will have convenient parking. And that shit (hiking through the dewy grass) fucked my motherfucking shoes up, motherfuckers. SB is NOT a happy camper this morning.

To top that shit off (I hate early morning exercise--actually, I hate damn exercise period.), the talkiest sonofabitch in the company pulled in behind me in the remote lot this morning and called out to me. AND I WAS JUST ABOUT TO MAKE A CLEAN GETAWAY.

SB FUCKING DESPISES chatty motherfuckers. Some people talk just TO HEAR THEMSELVES TALK. Maybe that's the only way they know they exist. That's way too existential a damn thought for this early.

My Uncle Gene (my idol even though he's a damn republican) hates chatty motherfuckers, too. If a chatty motherfucker calls Gene's crochety ass, he'll just hang up on them mid-conversation. I think he figures, at his age, he's not wasting anymore of his precious life on a chatty motherfucker.

Gene once got stuck in a van with my family and a chatty motherfucking friend FOR OVER AN HOUR. When we got to where we were going, Gene's ass hit the ground running (the damn van wasn't even fully stopped), trying to get away from this talky bitch. "Does that woman ever stop talking?" he asked me.

"Hell if I know, Gene."

Anyhoo, going back to my morning hike of tragedy--you can't get away from this person at work. If you EVEN NOD YOUR HEAD at this motherfucker, this CREATURE FROM HELL launches into their ENTIRE LIFE STORY. It does not take a breath. If you even say a word talking to somebody else in this thing's near vicinity, it will interject itself into your conversation, and then YOU CAN'T GET AWAY. EVER. YOUR ASS IS STUCK THERE FOR ALL ETERNITY.

I have a chatty motherfucking relative like that, too. You literally just have to start walking the fuck out the door, and then of course, her ass follows you, still talking, TO THE GODDAMN DRIVEWAY. It's horrible. You just have to drive away. I always check the rear view, once I hit the street, too, to be sure her ass is not following me. It makes SB a little paranoid.

SB also has another relative who gets right in your shit (face) to talk to you. SB's ass is always backing up, because I just CANNOT ABIDE A DAMN CLOSE TALKER. Get the fuck out of my space, motherfucker! Are you trying to look to see whether I have blackheads or some shit? Because that's the only logical reason to stand SO CLOSE to a motherfucker that I can fucking feel your stink shit breath on my face.

By the way, SB does not have blackheads. I use Biore, motherfuckers!

Wool Fetishist of the Week: Part 3

For fucking once, I think I'm speechless (typeless?).

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Scary Fucking Jesus (for Beth)

Uhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmm, okay. YES. My ass needs to be EVEN MORE FRIGHTENED of the cross-hanging Saviour than I was already, due to the fact that I was LOCKED IN A CHAPEL with BIG BLOODY CROSS-HANGING JESUS once at dad's company X-mas party, when SB was a profanity-spewing slip of a girl.

I just went to get a piece of gum out of mom's coat pocket in the chapel, AND THEN I COULDN'T GET OUT, because the goddamn heavy wooden door jammed, and I just KNEW that if I turned around and looked, AGONIACAL BLOODY JESUS WOULD HAVE GOTTEN DOWN OFF THAT CROSS (DRIPPING GORY BLOOD) AND HIS HOLY ASS WAS STANDING. . . RIGHT. . . BEHIND ME. JESUS WAS GOING TO TRY AND DRAG MY PRECIOUS ASS TO HEAVEN WITH HIM, AND WHO WANTS THAT, WHEN THEY ARE EXPECTING SANTA TO BRING THEM A BRAND NEW 10-SPEED BIKE FOR CHRISTMAS??? Not me, motherfuckers.

SB didn't want to sit around with a bunch of boring overly-religious dead people, singing hymns on puffy white clouds and shit (because you just know heaven is a Lutheran-type place, where they sing too many goddamn hymns), when I could be riding my new 10-speed around the neighbourhood, rubbing the fact that I got it in the faces of the poorer neighbourhood children. Heaven can wait, motherfuckers!

Feel free to share your own tale of Jesus fright in the comments section. Since Catholics have the scariest goriest Jesuses, your stories are especially welcomed. No Scary Nun stories, though, please. This is the SCARY JESUS category ONLY! We lapsed Methodists can't relate to all that angry nun shit.

Conversation Between the Communication Brothers

We call daddums (Larry) and his brother, Uncle Gene (in photo above), the Communication Brothers, because they converse, but don't listen to each other, and they always manage to get dates and times wrong when their asses try to get together. It NEVER fails. EVER.

Uncle Gene (of Toledo, Ohio) is the older brother, and this is the way a telephone conversation between them went recently. Daddums was out at his place in Arizona.

I'm 81 now, and that's the median age of death for men. You had better hurry and come see me. I might be dead otherwise. [Clearly, optimism runs in my family.]

Larry: Gene, could you please wait to die until after I get back to Ohio? Otherwise, I'm going to have to pay for a damn plane ticket.


Last night, SB stuck her nearly new Italian racing bike out in front of the house with a 4-SALE sign on it. My ass is getting old, and I'm going to sell that motherfucker and buy a 1-speed cruiser beach bike, where to brake, my ass only has to reverse the BIG FAT pedals. The Italian racing bike has 15 goddamn speeds (who needs that shit?), and a seat that wedges in my fat fucking ass when I ride it and makes my damn butt bones as sore as hell the next day. I am talking SEVERE AGONY, motherfuckers. Again, who needs that shit?

The 4-SALE sign on the bike reads: Italian Racing Bike for Sale. $250.00 FIRM (underlined twice). If you are a cheap motherfucker, don't insult me by trying to bargain. THIS IS NOT A YARD SALE OR THE DAMN FLEA MARKET.

If anybody is not too afraid to approach me after reading the sign, I may actually sell the fucker.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

People Are Always Sending Me Uplifting Shit at Work

For some damn reason, people are always sending me uplifting Christian shit at work. It really depresses me, and I wish they'd fucking stop, but I don't want to appear ungrateful.

I also get a lot of those uplifting chain e-mails. If you don't respond or forward that shit, the sender thinks you don't care about them or you're not a friend. SB doesn't need to send that shit out EVER. I'm not insecure. I know I have friends. How does it prove you're a friend because you forward some damn e-mail back to someone? That shit really sticks in SB's crawl.

I was telling the Moms the other day that sometimes I wish I was less popular. It takes a lot of damn energy to be popular. Sometimes I want to be a damn hermit.

American Faces: John Mellencamp

I think you maybe have to be from the Midwest to truly understand the greatness that is John Mellencamp (and DO NOT call him John Cougar either, because that shit pisses him off, because it's more record company bullshit). John is a Midwestern poet/musician/rebel/talented painter. Motherfucker is MULTI-TALENTED, as many Midwesterners are.

I love this photo of John (in fact, it's my computer background right now). For those of you living under a rock, John Mellencamp is from Indiana [fucking Hoosiers can't drive, but that's another post for another damn day--Ohioans and Indianians are always sniping at each other because we live in such close proximity--that shit breeds contempt], and his nickname is Little Bastard. Ironically, SB's nickname (from the daddums and he ought to know) is Little Bitch.

John and I are both DEFIANT MIDWESTERN MOTHERFUCKERS, and don't you forget it! We fight authority and authority always wins. We don't brook any bullshit and feel almost totally the same way about the American political situation. We both despise George W. Bush. There isn't much I don't agree with that comes out of Mr. Mellencamp's mouth. He is a Midwestern fucking treasure, along with Kurt Vonnegut and Paul Newman.

Did you know Paul Newman was from Ohio? Did I mention that shit before?

I Just Joined My Own Damn Blog

I just joined my own damn blog, so that I could finally have 50 followers! Wowsa. I was holding at 49, and I could no longer bear it. IT WAS KILLING ME.

I'm About to Have Really BIG Hair, Peeps!

SB just purchased THE REVOLUTIONARY Instyler. I'm about to have REALLY GREAT hair, people! I even paid extra for RUSH delivery, because great hair really CAN'T WAIT. [My ass may just wait by the mailbox until it arrives.]

I saw this shit on TV back when I was married, and Mr. SB deemed that shit too expensive [cheap motherfucker--I kid, I kid--we are divorcing as friends]. I even pleaded with him that purchasing the Instyler could REALLY BE REVOLUTIONARY and change my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE! To no avail. NO AVAIL.

I've always wanted BIG NEWSCASTERY HAIR! Not having that shit could be what's standing in the way of my PERPETUAL HAPPINESS. Maybe if I had perfect hair, then I will be REALLY AND TRULY HAPPY.

I promise not to get all snotty when I have the BEST HAIR IN DAYTON, OHIO! All the men will be chasing my ass and shit, but I promise to stay the same HUMBLE SB you all know and love. BIG HAIR does not equal BIG HEAD.

Wool Fetishist COUPLE of the Week

I guess it's sort of romantic to share your partner's interests, but SB is NOT a romantic person AT ALL (sex is a biological function, peeps--tits are giant sacks of nasty fat for feeding infants--see what I mean?). The only thing that comes to mind when I look at this touching romantic fucking photo (below) is: Aren't their damn privates itchy?

My one wool sweater makes my arms and back itch. My ass doesn't even want to think about wearing that shit on my poonanny.

[This post is going to make the Moms mad, because I AM DISCUSSING MY PUSSY IN A PUBLIC FORUM AGAIN. You can't be thinking about offending your mother when you are doing your art though. What if Robert Mapplethorpe (SB's favourite photographer) had considered his mum's feelings? That motherfucker would have had to have stuck to boring fucking stamen-protruding flowers. We wouldn't have had GREAT ART like Portrait of the Artist with a Bullwhip Up His Ass.]

Wool Fetishist of the Week: Evil Wooly

Is it me, or is there something slightly sinister looking about this mohair motherfucker?

Some Chicken Lovin for My Dear Ms. Moon

Evidently these bitches really love their chickens, like my good friend, Ms. Moon. Their asses are taking the chickens to prom! CHICKEN DATES.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Bitch Is Still HOT

SB digs Sharon Stone. That bitch is SCARY.

Bob Marley, Defiant Kittens, and Automatic Litter Boxes

SB is crabby again today. Surprise! My ass is hungover, and I have a perpetual headache I can't seem to dislodge, even with the help of fucking Advil AND Excedrin. Maybe it was the Magic fucking Bullet lime dacquiris or maybe it was the red wine or maybe it was the Red Stripe. Who the fuck knows.

Half the people here at work today are off (the parking lot looked like a ghost town), and it's a beautiful motherfucking day, and I don't want to be here. But I do look stylish in my new Bob Marley ringer t-shirt and Jamaican soccer jacket. You dig, mon?

I have decided to become a Rastafarian like my hero, Bob, and his fine son, Ziggy, so I am dressing the part on casual Fridays. I may grow some dreads, mon. I ain't decided.

SB recently purchased a new self-cleaning litter box for the cats--it has a conveyer belt that removes the turds and clumps from the box after the cats go wee and poo--and it works pretty damn good. However, Bella (the new kitten) is into flipping her shit out of the box and rolling it around on the carpet like some sort of crazed David Beckham. When I squirt her ass with water, Bella just looks at me like: Is that all you've got, motherfucker? Bring it on! She is the most stubborn little fucker I have ever raised, and I've raised my share of moggys.

Also, Ginger the shit eater, considers the new auto-poo box a sort of revolving sushi buffet, and her ass came downstairs this morning with cat litter all stuck to her nose. I love her, but she is dumber than shit. No pun intended. The canine species as a whole have really notched down, in SB's opinion, in the old intelligence department since Ginger has come into my life. You just ain't very bright when you consider shit a delicacy. That's an empirical truth, motherfuckers. Also, every time I let that bitch out, she runs over to the neighbor's side of the house to try and eat the cat food they have set out for their outdoor cats.

In the middle of the goddamn night, SB, who is semi-coherent at best when awakened, must run over to the neighbor's side of the house, in the dark, in my damn boxer shorts and yell at Ginger to get her fucking ass back to her side of the yard. Yes, the neighbours love me. And so does Jesus. THIS I KNOW.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Happy Birthday, Pete Burns!!!

Yesterday, Pete Burns turned 50! HOLY SHIT. SB was late on the draw in wishing her GODDESS IDOL, Pete, many happy returns.

If Pete can look this good at 50, then there is hope for all of our pathetic common asses (if we can inherit enough money or whore ourselves out enough to pay for about a thousand cosmetic surgeries). I kid, I kid. Pete is one of SB's favourite people on this Earth, and I seriously mean that.

Chilling Copy of George Sodini's Blog Page

I just finished reading an online copy of George Sodini's (the Pennsylvania LA Fitness shooter's) diary over at Steve Huff's great site, True Crime Report. It provided the opportunity to look into the mind of somebody who would commit such a heartless crime. Since there seems to be more and more of these types of shootings of late, that makes the opportunity to learn pretty valuable.

I was compelled to read the multiple pages and found them truly disturbing, maybe because they were so frank. It is pretty evident that George could be anybody's co-worker or neighbor. And that is what is making me feel pretty sick right now.

One of George's problems was that he hadn't had sex for nearly 20 years! That would fuck anybody up.

Here is the link to Sodini's blog at True Crime Report, but I warn you, it is really uncomfortable and chilling reading. SB's discomfort is your discomfort, motherfuckers!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Comment from My Precious Love, Nick

somedays SB you possess a totally revolutionary spirit. This is amazing in its clarity, precision and most of all for its truth.
God I'm falling in love with you all over again.
Thanks ya SB broad ya

Dear Nick,
I like that revolutionary spirit shit. If I weren't going to be cremated, I'd have that inscribed on my tombstone. I will send you part of my ashes as a thank you. Of course, I expect you to wear the ashes in a capsule around your neck in perpetuity, until you die yourself.

Christmas According to Sebastian Horsley

SB is a BAH HUMBUGGER, and I couldn't agree more with this passage below. I despise the season of DESPAIR and DREAD. One of the best things about my impending divorce is that I will no longer have to even slightly acknowledge the holiday. I can hole up in the house with my case of strawberry ripple and the two cats and dog. I do like having the extra days off at work though. There is that, motherfuckers.

But aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day: a joyful celebration of the birth of Jesus? Isn't it strange how the whole world observes Christ's birthday while absolutely nobody observes his beliefs.

Jesus was a great and radical philosopher. Here was a truly autonomous mind; here was someone who was prepared to do his own thinking, no matter what the price. A Jewish thinker enrolling in the school of the Greek cynics, he drew on traditions of outspokenness, shamelessness and unconventionality. He spoke of anarchy, anti-materialism and identification with the poor.

His message, quite simply, was that family and personal property must go. Only then could we have peace on earth and goodwill to all men. So we celebrate Christ's birthday by gathering our families together and stockpiling mountains of possessions to wage war on one another over TV schedules and who will clear up.

Gentle Jesus, meek and mild? No one made more trouble than this baby. The ass-like cult of Christianity that stands around his manger is the antithesis of the man. Christ was an anti-Christ. He was a true radical.

So do celebrate Christmas, my dears: that season when we remind each other of the birth, 2007 years ago, of a Jewish revolutionary by giving tacky commodities to the children of people we dislike.

Christ came to save us from sin. You might as well make his birth meaningful by committing them. Happy Kiss My Ass.

Sebastian Horsley

SB just loves eccentric characters. Sebastian Horsley is certainly one. He once had himself crucified in the name of art. It didn't go very well (he sort of fell off the cross). But still, you've got to love the intention.

Here is an interview he gave about his interesting family. I really enjoyed reading it. Highly recommended for entertainment value alone.

From The Sunday Times

September 9, 2007

Relative Values: Sebastian Horsley and his mother, Valerie

Sebastian Horsley, 45, is an artist and writer whose memoir, Dandy in the Underworld: An Unauthorised Autobiography, was published on Thursday. It coincides with a retrospective of his work, Hookers, Dealers, Tailors, which is running at Spectrum London, 77 Great Titchfield Street, W1, until September 30. Sebastian lives alone in Soho. His late father, Nicholas Horsley, founded the food-manufacturing company Northern Foods. He has a sister, Ashley, 46, a psychotherapist, and a brother, Jake, 40, a writer. His mother, Valerie Walmsley-Hunter, is 73 and lives alone in north London.

Interviews by Ria Higgins

Sebastian: When Mother found out she was pregnant with me, she took an overdose. It didn't work. Neither did nine months of heavy drinking. Had she known I was going to turn out the way I did, I'm sure she'd have gone the whole hog and found the cyanide. Of course, I didn't find that out until much later. We were led to believe it was my sister she'd tried to terminate. She thought I was too touchy to hear such truths. And she's right. I'm a tad sensitive — I feel overlooked if an epidemic misses me out.

Father was wealthy, so we grew up in an enormous house. My first memories of Mother couldn't be more vivid. If you were standing in the drive and saw this technicolour explosion out the corner of your eye, it was either a fruit cart or Mother. She'd pick us up from school in a hat that looked like an exotic bird had just landed on her head. And she'd think nothing of combining it with long, cerise velvet gloves and an ostrich-feather boa.

On sports day Father would turn up in the Jaguar and Mother in a skirt so tight it looked like she had more legs than a bucket of chicken. She wallowed in vanity; I wallowed in embarrassment. Then there were her more informal dress occasions. Taking us to school when we'd missed the bus was one. She would get out her open-top blue Triumph and drive us in wearing a silk negligee and a fur coat, hair so dishevelled you weren't sure it was her.

But really Mother oscillated between two extremes. She was an intoxicating cocktail of glamour and suffering. If she looked like an opera diva one day, you'd mistake her for a bag lady the next. She lived on a diet of booze and pills, and as a result spent huge amounts of her time in bed. She had as much chance of bringing structure and discipline into our lives as of growing orchids in the Moroccan desert. Motherhood wasn't her thing.

The situation with Father didn't help. I have no recollection of a time when she was happy with him. She was only 24 when they got married, and hardly knew him. When they turned up at the registry office, a local journalist asked her if she and her new husband were compatible and she replied: ”I have no idea. I've only known him a week.” As a child, all I remember are the fights and misdemeanours — burning his stuff, crashing the car, shoplifting from his shops. Then there were her visits to the ”bin” when the drinking got really bad.

Father was no better. He was also an alcoholic — and a womaniser. He died from alcohol a few years ago. He also suffered from a spastic condition that eventually left him in a wheelchair.

By that time, though, they'd divorced, and I hadn't spoken to him for years.

He didn't give a toss about me. And I hated him. But I hated Stepfather even more. He was a tosspot. I'd come home to find him in bed with Mother, and Father in bed with someone else. Clearly everyone in my life who should have been vertical was horizontal.

Anyhow, although we called him Stepfather, Mother never married him, and when he died I was pleased to learn Mother had got up one morning and rather than sprinkling his ashes in the Ganges, she'd sprinkled them on her porridge. Revenge? Amusement? I'm not sure. Knowing about her own family I can sympathise with her moments of madness. Her father, nicknamed Jack the Bolter, did a runner before she was born. And her mother suffered from depression and eventually committed suicide.

When I reached my twenties I went through a phase of not wanting to see my family. I wanted to create my own world, which, as it turned out, was equally mad. I realise now that my childhood was probably the happiest time of my life — which gives you an indication of the hell I've endured since. The funny thing is, life is really no different now than when I was seven — I'm back to sitting in a darkened room, making and breaking things.

Mother lives on her own now. She's a bit like a boat without a rudder: she's been blown around all her life — by family, by the breath of other men. She may not have been a good mother, but that's not a criticism, it's an accolade. She's been more like a muse, a co-conspirator. And underneath all her vanity, insanity and green silk dresses is a compassionate, poetic soul. Without her influence, both good and definitely bad, I'd never have become the artist and writer I am today.

Valerie: I was not a great mother to Sebastian. I'm not being hard on myself, or even revelling in guilt, it's just true. They say lovers don't make good parents, and my husband and I were besotted with each other. We'd only known each other 13 days when we got married. But not only were we both young, we were heavy drinkers.

I don't think Nicholas ever went to bed sober and I was always in a fog. Sebastian and my other two children were accidents and, though it seems shocking to admit, I drank all the way through my pregnancies. Fortunately, Nicholas's family were wealthy, so we lived in a huge house. It had endless rooms, endless places for children to hide — which meant I didn't have a clue what they were up to half the time.

Sebastian was mischievous. Once, he set fire to his sister's doll's pram. Then wheeled it next to our oil tank. His sister came screaming in to tell me. I rushed down to find him standing there waiting to see the action unfold. Another time, fire engines came roaring through our village to put out a haystack ablaze in a field. The whole place could've gone up. Only later did I find out Sebastian had started it.

I tried not to be drunk when the kids came home from school, but ultimately I just wasn't good at coping and the drink was a form of escapism. I ended up in the bin on more than one occasion and, in the end, my marriage broke down. Sadly, Sebastian's relationship with his father had never been good. He'd always made Sebastian feel inadequate and stupid, which he wasn't — he got a place to study English at Edinburgh University. But he never forgave him. His father died a few years ago of alcoholism and Sebastian refused to go to the funeral.

Sebastian opted out of university in the end because he met Jimmy Boyle. Jimmy was regarded as Scotland's most violent gangster. He was just out of prison and had found a new calling as an artist. Sebastian was fascinated by him and found out he was setting up an arts centre for ex-prisoners and addicts. He offered to help and Jimmy took him on. The two of them became very close. Jimmy was like a substitute father. He was even best man at Sebastian's wedding.

I didn't hear about Sebastian's marriage to Evlynn until afterwards. That's just the way he is. I was also in the dark about his addictions. Initially it was drink, which I understood because of my own problem. But then he switched to drugs. By this time he'd moved back to London and broken up with Evlynn.

She was great — it was tragic when she died of an aneurysm a few years later. But by then Sebastian was addicted to heroin. I only found out when he was so ill he had to go into care. I freaked out. Luckily he pulled through.

Sebastian can come across as extrovert — the way he dresses, talks, his smile, his wit. He has always been able to make me laugh. But then there's a part of him that runs very deep. He's sensitive, emotional, easily hurt. I think that's why he keeps a distance from his family. Being too close makes him feel vulnerable. And yet it's his sensibilities that make him so creative, whether it's through his painting or writing or any other means of expression he can find.

He can also be unforgiving, vengeful even. Once, when a woman offended him, he went to Tiffany's, got one of their beautiful boxes, put one of his turds in it and sent it to her. Let's just say he has his bad days, and it's times like that when he'll say: 'Why did you give birth to me? That's the worst thing you ever did.” I always have to say to him: ”Sebastian! You couldn't wait to be born. I barely got to the hospital when you came out like a shooting star.” And that's what he's been like ever since. The only difference is he couldn't possibly share his universe.

He'd insist on finding his very own.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Posting to Say I'm Not Posting Today

SB is a crabby-assed motherfucker today, and so my ass is posting to tell you regular motherfuckers, who I consider family, that I won't be posting today. If I only had casual readers AND NOT GOOD PEOPLE WHO I CONSIDER FAMILY, I would just say fuck it and not post a shitting thing, but I can't leave my special motherfuckers just hanging.

It is RAINY and UGLY and as DARK as Dick Cheney's corrupt asshole here in Buttfuck, Ohio, today, and I just have nothing funny to share, so basically I have NO HUMAN WORTH TO ANYONE. We'll try again tomorrow. In the immoral words of that annoying red-haired little bitch, Annie: The fucking sun will come out tomorrow. Bet your anal sphincter that it will.

[Okay, so I took some liberties. I made the fucking lyrics mine. So shoot me.]

p.s. I would go gay for this Annie. This is the GOOD Annie.

Monday, August 3, 2009

SB's NEW Hair

This is SB's new hair colour. I wish it was my face and body as well, but damn it, it isn't. Seriously, this is exactly how I had my hair coloured over the weekend.

The young people like it. The older crowd (including the Moms) mostly don't. One fucking rude person (former friend) even came right out and said she didn't like it. Her fucking opinion was unfuckingsolicited. If I didn't like her hair, I wouldn't have said anything at all.

Well, I like it, so fuck it. I look like a trendy fucking member of Duran Duran or Kajagoogoo or some damn shit. I be stylin, peeps.

This particular hair colour cost my ass just over $200.00, and it took 3 motherfucking hours total. Well worth it. Well worth it. And don't ask me for a goddamn picture, because SB is photo-phobic, and your asses aren't getting one. And if you keep bugging me about that shit, it will make me hostile (okay, MORE hostile). Just pretend the photo above is SB.

I finally tried on the bridesmaid dress for my cousin's wedding (my ass had five fucking months to see if that shit fit and lose some weight, but I just tried it on yesterday--two weeks before the wedding--I procrastinate a little), and my fat ass couldn't even zip the side zip up, so I called and cried to a customer service person at J. Crew today, and those fine people are rushing me a dress two fucking sizes bigger. Thank Christ! The stress was giving me heart palpatations. My Aunt would have killed me if my ass didn't match the other chicks in the wedding. I did not want to have to call and tell her at this fucking point that I would be wearing jeans. Sheila (the bride) could have given a shit--she's laid back like her cousin here--but it would have created much familial strife and umbrage.

Also over the weekend, the Moms and I attempted to assemble a midgety wang fucking console table that I bought online from the Target. CAN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SAY--NEVER AGAIN--ALONG WITH SB???

The fucking Chinese--there must have been 500 or so screws, widgets, screw covers, and other ill-fitting assorted hardware pieces. I kept cursing the damn Chinese craftsmen, as I screwed in the 20th mini-screw of about 60 fucking total into the back side of the table. Damn midget-dicked motherfucking wiley wang asshole cunt sonofabitching Chinese craftsmen!

I have a theory that war with China is inevitable, and the Chinese know that shit and are only nice to us now because we purchase so many damn goods from them. The Chinese designers take their revenge by making those goods as fucking frustrating as possible to assemble. I lost about 2.3 years of my life to that cocksucking console table.

It is hard to even enjoy the damn thing because I give it the side-eye and sigh every time I walk past the fucker. I hope I will overcome this feeling of UTTER DESPAIR in time.

The Moms and I only got to step 2 on the goddamn instruction manual before we threw up our manos in despair and called daddums to come and bail our retarded workshop asses out.

Then, hours later, after we finally got the fucker assembled, SB finds out the damn console would make a good desk for a dwarf. SB is 5 foot 10 inches, so now I've got a midgety console to sit my glass of wine and books on. I bought a damn stunning Bob Marley coffee table book specifically for the WANG table, and I have to turn the fucker sideways to fit it on the table top, and EVEN THEN, that shit hangs over some.

The Disdainful One, for some goddamn reason known only to cats, likes to lay under the table though. So there is that.