Friday, July 29, 2011

Uhhhhmmmm, Yuck

Young at heart: Ivana Trump opted for a thigh-skimming dress for an outing in St Tropez yesterday

A bitch needs to have some damn decorum!

I'd Like to Put in a Word for Morrissey

Morrissey, as usual, is in a shitload of trouble because he does not care to pussyfoot around and take the time to be polite with his words. Fuck that shit. He's a great artist, and he can say WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS. I don't believe that Morrissey was trying to make light of the recent atrocities in Norway, it is just that he (and SB) believes that animals are equivalent in value to human beings. I'm totally okay with what he said. I commend him for having the balls to say it.

Cheale Meats SUCKS Ass

The cutest thing EVER.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Where Alexander McQueen Left His Money Tells Me a Lot about Him

Crystal Harris is a MEAN money-grubbing, gold-digging bitch.

Note: The post title is my opinion ONLY, but of course, my opinion is the only one that fucking counts.

Dave Sharpe Had One Hell of a Good Idea

LeRoy Carhart is a very brave man.

If I lose some readers because of this, I could give a shit.

Only in America. I Hope the Bitch Winds Up Working in Porn, Where She Belongs.

The National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health Is Full of Shit

The way this nation has treated the first responders on 9/11 is criminal. This is just disgusting. Clearly, there are a bunch of corrupt assholes at the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health.

Rest in Peace Jeret Peterson

The poor soul. May he find the peace in death that mostly eluded him in life.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Put a goddamn bra on, Penny. I don't want to see your damn post-pregnancy swollen nipples. GROSS.

That shit is GROSS AS HELL. Click on the picture to enlarge and see the full extent of GROSSNESS.

A bitch needs to have some damn decorum!

The Moms and I Are BIG Ben Affleck Fans

I really like his new look.

Youthful: Ben's new hair style makes him appear several years younger than he appeared when he was pictured earlier this month

Comment of the Damn Day: Kat, Virginia, USA

[on Bunny Mellon's million dollar loans to disgraced asshole Senator, John Edwards]

Bunny Mellon is blind in more ways than one if she thinks John Edwards would make a great President. He doesn't even make a decent human being.

Mankini on a Moto

Off on his way: Southard rides off into the night in his tight costume

I'm so grossed out right now.

This is some fucked up shit.

Quote of the Damn Day for Amy

I arrived late and as I made my way to the audience through the plastic smiles and plastic cups I heard the rolling, wondrous resonance of a female vocal. Entering the space I saw Amy on stage with Weller and his band; and then the awe. The awe that envelops when witnessing a genius. From her oddly dainty presence that voice, a voice that seemed not to come from her but from somewhere beyond even Billie and Ella, from the font of all greatness. A voice that was filled with such power and pain that it was at once entirely human yet laced with the divine. My ears, my mouth, my heart and mind all instantly opened. Winehouse. Winehouse? Winehouse! That twerp, all eyeliner and lager dithering up Chalk Farm Road under a back-combed barnet, the lips that I’d only seen clenching a fishwife fag and dribbling curses now a portal for this holy sound. So now I knew. She wasn’t just some hapless wannabe, yet another p***ed up nit who was never gonna make it, nor was she even a ten-a-penny-chanteuse enjoying her fifteen minutes. She was a f****** genius.

--Russell Brand

Friday, July 22, 2011

Shit SB Says

Marcus Bachmann's dumb ass had better start praying HARDER. It ain't working.

This Is Mean, but I Don't Give a Fuck. Somebody's Got to Have the Balls to Be the Damn Spokesperson of America Around Here.

I was just looking at the blog of a person from India, and I don't really think it's a good thing that many Indians now have Internet access. Reading that pigeon English shit is like trying to understand an Indian person who works for a software help desk. Indian English = muy sucko. Since the damn credit card companies have all outsourced to India now, I spend enough time on the phone with the damn fuckers. I don't want to deal with trying to read shitty English TOO. As an English major, I have scant patience with fucked-up grammar.

Also, the About Me sections on Indian blogs are very basic and spare. I guess this would be due to the Indian lack of ego. You are lucky if you get one damn sentence out of the fuckers. Can you say, B-O-R-I-N-G? I think they ought to prohibit boring badly-grammatisized (I made that word up.) motherfuckers from blogging AT ALL. My time is precious! I don't want to sift through a bunch of Indian yoga poses and goat-herding shit, trying to find something semi-entertaining to read. I don't think I should have to suffer like that. I lived under George W. Bush for 8 fucking years. I've suffered enough.

Is There Anything as Fabulous as a Glitter Bomb Protest? I Think NOT.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Ty-Ty Banks Is Off Her Fucking Rocker

What in Sam hell is up with the outfit? A ho is batshit.

This story gave me chills.

God bless the fallen heroes of Ladder Company 3. We love every last one of you.

It's Supposed to Hit 110 Here in Buttfuck, Ohio, Today

This motherfucker has the right idea.

The parental unit left to visit my yuppie brother in Massachusetts the other day, so this means my fat ass has to water the Mom's 100,000 flowers in the 110-degree fucking heat while they're gone. Ms. Moon had the excellent idea to raid their damn fridge for a few ice-cold beers while I am watering. Ms. Moon is fucking ingenious.

On another front, the Viking, Lord of My Cold Stone Creamery Heart, bought me a new washer (one of those agitator-less new-fangled bitches). They are delivering the motherfucker on Saturday, so Friday night, I am going to have to move the cock-sucking oven out, because the goddamn cheap-assed landlords bought the cheapest fucking stove their miserly asses could find, and the damn oven door is not removable. Naturally, removing the cock-sucking stove handle, which sticks out about an inch, is the only way to get the new washer into the hook-up area near the fridge. The delivery man will curse me (silently or not), due to the VERY TIGHT space the washer must be wedged through in order to be hooked the fuck up.

Also, I have the cats on new BETTER food, due to Tom's recent bladder problems, and fucking Marley has the damn diarrhea from the new muy expensivo cat food. His hairy backside is a dried fucking shitty mess of poop. So, tonight I will be giving my first cat bath. Marley is still semi-feral, so this shit should be fun!

If you hear a very loud scream emanate from the direction of Buttfuck this evening, you'll know who it is. I am hoping to keep my arms at least. The fingers are negotiable. Ask Marley.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I Just Like the Damn Cheap-Assed Costume, Okay?

This is Ed the Sped, who works in your company Hardware Department and only gets out once a year for the annual Halloween party. Fucker stores that shit up ALL DAMN YEAR, motherfuckers! Ed can throw that bitch DOWN.

Friday, July 15, 2011

More Shitty Taxidermy

Quote of the Damn Day: Sister Helen Prejean

The more people go to church, the more they believe in the death penalty.

Rais Bhuiyan Was Raised Right. Too Bad His Attacker Wasn't.

Plaintiff wishes to see reconciliation with Mark Stroman, and to pursue fill mediation with him. Plaintiff feels this way because his parents raised him with the religious principle that he is best who can forgive easily. He believes, as a Muslim, that human life is precious and that no one has the right to take another's life. . . . Forgiveness is a long standing mechanism within many faiths, Islam being one of them, toward the healing of the soul. As a Muslim, Plaintiff is of the belief that when he forgives or promotes mercy for his attacker, the government should no longer have a duty or a right to exact the ultimate punishment upon Mr. Stroman.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

This is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read.

I don't care if it's fair or politically correct to say this, but there are some things in life we are just not physically equipped to do. For instance, I would make a lousy fireman. I am too fat and out of shape to be lugging people or heavy equipment around. If you do not have legs or arms, you cannot be a proper cheerleader. Sorry. Get over it. There are plenty of other things this young woman might excel at. Just. Not. This.

Go ahead and bawl me out and take your shots at me, those of you who are tenderhearted liberals. I could give a shit.

The Family Museum

I really enjoyed reading this article and looking at the slideshow. What a family, what a house.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Nobody Starts Out as a Super Star of Taxidermy

The world's most horrifically funny taxidermy FAILS

It takes time to perfect ART, motherfuckers!

Another Damn Quote by Denis Leary

Study: sitting on your ass for six hours a day increases chance of early death by 37%. Let's make sure Rush has a really comfy chair.

Another Quote of the Damn Day: Denis Leary

This is the land where we now have an affliction called S.A.D. -- Seasonal Affective Disorder -- which means when the leaves fall off the trees you begin to get lonely and depressed and anxious. It's called winter, folks. It comes right after autumn. And you are SUPPOSED to get depressed. Which is why we have Christmas right in the middle of it.

Amen to that shit.

Quote of the Damn Day: Ted Kennedy

I wish that loved ones did not have to die too young. I wish that tragedy never haunted a single soul. But I know that sometimes life breaks your heart, and I believe we best honor those who have been lost . . . when we pledge that they will always be in our hearts, and their example will never die.

--Ted Kennedy at the Worcester Cold Storage Fire Memorial, December 1999

Rescue Me: The Final Season, Tonight at 10:00 on FX

I can think of no more stirring symbol of man's humanity to man than a fire engine.

~Kurt Vonnegut

To donate to The Leary Firefighters Foundation:

Thursday, July 7, 2011

This One's for Ms. Moon, My Idol of Greatness

Mr. Rogers would have bought Koko's ass a damn birthday cake. Fred wasn't a cheap ass, like those motherfuckers at the zoo. He was a good guy.

I'm stuck on Koko getting cheated on her damn 40th. I'm going to belabor this shit, because I have THE MADS. The zookeepers could have at least baked her 40-year-old ass some banana bread!

I Just Like the Damn Sign, Okay?

I don't know who these people are, but I sure do love them.

And also, dad has great taste in quality shirtware!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Some Cheap Bitches at the Zoo Torture Koko the Gorilla with a Janky-Looking Crown on Her Birthday

A bitch is 40 for Christ sakes! Shouldn't Koko have gotten more than a faux crown when she hit a damn milestone like that shit??? The look on her face says: Is this all I get?

There are some cheap motherfuckers at the zoo. Bitch didn't even get a damn cake! A bitch was CHEATED.

These Photos Are Amazing

Some good news, which I sorely needed today.

I love Harvey Milk. He is SB's hero. This gladdens my heart.

And, as usual, the republicans are beyond idiocy.

But Republicans said that while well-intentioned, the bill was ill-conceived and raised concerns that it would indoctrinate children to accept homosexuality.

The damn republicans (I refuse to capitalize it--that would indicate a respect that I do NOT have) can accept homosexuality or not. It's here to stay.

Quote of the Damn Day: Nancy Grace on Casey Anthony's Defense Team

The defence team is inside a bar having a champagne toast right now. Now you know what? I'm not a preacher and I'm not a rabbi but there's something wrong with that. Because Caylee is dead and her body decomposed just fifteen houses away from where the Anthony's put their head on the pillow every night, every day searching for this little girl.

My Cat Tom Is in the Kitty Hospital

He has bladder issues, like a lot of male cats. I am upset I had to leave him there. I'm just in a SAD mood period. I doubt there will be many posts this week.


Friday, July 1, 2011

If I was a cop, and my fat ass had to run after a perp, I'd beat a bitch too.

I'd be wheezing and all huffing and puffing and shit, and that would give me a case of the MADS.

We could also entitle this post: Why SB Is Not in Law Enforcement.

E-mail I Sent to Our Company CEO, Who Just Moved Here from Australia

Prepare yourself for BIG and LOUD this weekend. Americans like everything to be over the top and LOUD. I think it’s our most obnoxious holiday. Also, my neighborhood is full of rednecks. There may even be gunfire involved. My 87 year old dog will be pissing herself and hiding under the bed. I’ll just be glad when it’s all over.