Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Grisly Tale of the Papin Sisters

Interesting Post on the Oakland County Child Killings

Most true crime buffs will have heard of this one.

Puppini No Likey the Electronica

Whenever I put an electronic hold message on the speaker phone at home, Puppine gets VERY UPSET. She just goes APESHIT. A bitch NO LIKEY that electronic bullshit. Puppine thinks that shit is EVIL (or EVAL as W. would spell it).

This bitch is afraid of fruit. Say what?

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

This is amazing.

For Anyone Who Thinks Animals Aren't Intelligent

What Shitty Cracker State Am I?

Here's your damn clues.

There are shitloads of semi-untended babies and toddlers in dirty-looking diapers running around.

Most of my populace is composed of poor crackers with bad teeth. A lot of them live in trailers.

My people were disloyal to General Lee during the Civil War, thus incurring SB's permanent wrath.

I am a mountainous state, with some treacherous winding narrow bitch roads.

Mr. SB once wanted to move within my borders after retirement, thus incurring SB's permanent wrath.

[You don't win dick if you answer correctly first, but SB will say something nice about you (granted, it may be a struggle). Since I can't stand most assholes, that's the damn prize, motherfuckers! A bitch is not RICH. We are not giving away money here, so suck it up.]

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Matthew Weatherspoon Is a Sub-Human Asshole

May he rot in hell.

Thanks to the fine folks at VCA Veterinary Hospital for taking such good care of Diamond!

I Dig Mean Puss.

But grumpiness is just part of his nature. SB can relate!

Energizer Bunny Creator Killed by an Energizer Bunny. The Irony.

You couldn't make this shit up. Unless you are John Irving.

Too Old to Care. I Can Relate.

Nothing like robbing the dead. Asshole.

Fucker wishes he could write like Wallace. Don't we all?

Go Tom Petty! WE LOVE YOU.

Digit's Story

This touches my nearly unreachable heart.


This is such a SAD story, and what makes it EVEN WORSE, is the fact that this poor woman was trapped at work! Who'd want to die THAT WAY?

Not I, says the Bastard.

I LOVE New York!

Some happy news for a change. This cheered my gloomy ass up IMMENSELY.

Quote of the Damn Day: Bukowski

Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarmed with them.

I Just Like the Damn Photo, Okay?

Bukowski and woman.

"Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink."

SB's Favorite Poem

In other words

the Egyptians loved the cat
were often entombed with it
instead of with the women
and never with the dog

but now
good people with
good eyes
are very few

yet fine cats
with great style
lounge about
in the alleys of
the universe.

our argument tonight
whatever it was
no matter
how unhappy
it made us

remember that
there is a
adjusting to the
space of itself
with a delightful

in other words
magic persists
without us
no matter what
we may try to do
to spoil it.

--Charles Bukowski

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Abandoned McKittrick Hotel

Fascinating stuff.

[This one's for Ms. Moon for obvious reasons. THE MADONNA, PEOPLE! Damn, you motherfuckers are slow.]

Dear Fat Ill-Mannered Yankee Swine Tourist

It isn't polite to ask your hostess about the shooting that was committed in the mansion to which you've been invited, especially when the shooter was the hostesses brother.

You embarrass me, ill-mannered Yankee swine tourist.

Please go back home.

Oh, when will you go back home?

Quite frankly, we will be happier to see the back of you than General Sherman.

Oh, when will you go back home, you swine?

Friday, June 24, 2011

I'm so done with this guy. He needs to grow some damn balls.

Talk about doublespeak.

Shit SB Says to Her God, Ms. Moon

Thank you for the lizard photo. I dig lizards. I'm not afraid of them like I am snakes. I figure, if it doesn't have feet and crawls on its belly, it ain't normal. Also, if it has eight legs--that ain't normal either. A bitch don't like spiders and snakes.

Cheery Morning

Puppine was attacking interloping bitches at the window (her window!) this morning. That shit cheered me right up.

Happy Friday, motherfuckers!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I Dare a Bitch to Try and Dress Puppine's Ass in this Crap

Evidently, they are in to cat tailoring in Japan. Puppine NO LIKEY!

Friday, June 17, 2011

Another Iggy Pop Quote

Sex may be a little more factual than love. You know whether it was good or not. You know whether you liked it or not. You're not going to change your mind about it ten years later.

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

Quote of the Damn Day: Iggy Pop

The facts change and the circumstances get bigger and fancier, but the basic equations are about the same. The big difference now is that I try to reserve my little outbursts for the tape or the live shows. I don't wake up in the morning mad at the world in general, I tend to have enough of my own problems to occupy me in a more balanced way. Life's exciting in that way. I guess if my life were a little more boring, I might be angry all the time at everybody. But as it is, I'm only angry at everybody maybe an hour a day. The rest of the time, I'm angry at somebody specific. I'm really actively pursuing that, 'cause it's cool. It's pretty nice when that happens. Membership has it's privileges.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

And Remember. . . .

An Important Point About the Bible

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

The Igster's got a lust for life.

Quote of the Damn Day by Anonymous Misogynistic Asshole

I was recently criticized for making a statement about my daughter not being able to play a war game on the Wii because she was a girl. Besides being too young to play it, it is true that I won’t let her play it because she is a girl. And no, I don’t think she should not learn math, either. I want my boys and girls (I have 2 each) to grow up being boys and girls. I don’t want them growing up confused as to what their roles are in life. I want my girls to grow up with a desire to take care of their kids at home. Even homeschool. I want my boys to grow up learning what it means to lead, how to lead, and how to do it in a Godly way. I want my girls to learn how to follow their husbands leadership. I want them to learn that submitting to their husband does not make them a door mat. That it’s as God wants it, and that they will have a more fulfilling life by doing what God has said.

Uhhhhhmmmm, Okay

Jesus is not a Jew. Jesus was Jewish.

Yet ANOTHER Dumb Christian Quote

So you think if no one believed in any religion there would be no wars or fighting? I think it would be worse. I know if I didn’t fear god’s judgement I would have killed many many times.

Uhhhhmmmm, psycho much?

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Dumb Christian Quotes

I find it almost comical how unbelievers will blame a God they don’t believe in,
but they will not let evolution take the blame for amputees not being able to heal.

--Defender of Christianity
[If I were Christian, this would make me feel really hopeful about the future.]

Quote of the Damn Day from a Damn Pinhead

Everyone knows scientists insist on using complex terminology to make it harder for True Christians to refute their claims.

Acid, for example... sounds impressive, right? But have you ever seen what happens if you put something in acid? It dissolves! If we had all this acid in our cells, we'd all dissolve! So much for the Theory of Evolution, Check MATE!

[NOTE: I particularly like the Check MATE! at the end, like he's made such a great point or something. What a fucking moron.]

One Ugly Fucking Dog

Fucker's so ugly, it doesn't even look real. Looks like a damn Muppet or some shit.

Almay Dumb Shade Makeup

I splurged and bought some Almay Smart Shade Makeup last night and played it safe and bought the light to medium shade. I put it on this morning, and now my ass looks like Dennis Rodman or some shit. And I'm a pasty white bitch. Way to go, Almay! Smart Shade, my ass. Why do your damn shades ALWAYS have to run darker than everybody else's? And isn't that shit SUPPOSED to adjust to match your damn skin tone? BIG LIE. [cough] BIG LIE.

I'm so glad I wasted my hard-earned money. And also, your current spokesmodel is a damn whore. Bring Elaine Irwin back. We liked her better!

This is too bad. I sort of dug Betty.

My grandmothers are both dead. I was sort of hoping Betty would be my adopted memaw.

R.I.P. Betty!

Eleanor Thompson Gets Her Drank On and Gets Busted for DUI TWICE in the Same Damn Day

I think Eleanor may have found her special talent!

Friday, June 10, 2011

I Wish My Boss Would Whack Me on the Head with His Privates

Uhhhhmmmm, I don't get the majesty of this, but okay.

I Just Like the SCARY Damn Picture, Okay?

It's Steve Tyler, embracing his feminine side, and that's okay. This man can do no wrong in SB's book. I dig him.

Mikhail, the Amazing Yoga Bear

Clearly, Mikhail is not much in the ween department, but a bitch is flexible. He can do the yoga like a motherfucker.

Jesus H. THE CUTE. I can't take it.

Little fucker's so cute, I want to eat him right up! You know how I've always wanted to adopt a dwarf.

Intelligence at Work

I've seen it all now. On my way back to the office from lunch, on a VERY busy, VERY narrow two-lane road with deep ditches and absolutely NO shoulder on either side, I passed a guy with some expensive gear on a racing bike. THE STUPID FUCKER WAS TALKING ON A CELL PHONE animatedly, as he rode along. He talked right though the VERY DANGEROUS 4-way stop.

Honestly, if I heard later that the dumb sonofabitch was in an accident, it wouldn't bother me one bit. I'd figure it's Darwin's principle at work. The stupid weed themselves right out of the gene pool.

If I'd have had time and not been so incredulous, I'd have rolled my window down and yelled STUPID MOTHERFUCKER! at him.

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

Lightning strikes the Empire State Building in New York City as the heat causes thunderstorms on Thursday night
New York's Empire State Building gets struck by lightening.

I also have a damn Mormon reading me.

I saw somebody from Utah logged on, and I have this idea that EVERYBODY in Utah is a damn Mormon. I actually DO think that. You will not disabuse me of this notion, no matter how many facts you throw at me, so don't bother. Therefore, I deduce that my ass has a Mormon reader. READER FROM UTAH = MORMON READER. Welcome, I say! I was an Osmonds fan, so I'm okay with it. In fact, I wanted to marry Donny Osmond (now, I'm glad I didn't, because he cries a lot).

Anyhoo, my ass was willing to convert to marry Donny, despite the fact that a Mormon Temple staffer in Salt Lake City made the mistake of telling the Moms that she and daddy would NOT be married in heaven, since they weren't married in the Mormon Church. That REALLY pissed the Moms off.

So Far Today I Have Had 40 Visits from the Damn Germans

I'm almost certain that all 40-fucking-visits were to wank off to Coco's GYNORMOUS ass. What's up with that shit? Why are Germans (the most humorless people alive) so into BIG asses? Can anyone answer this for me? Help a bitch out.

A Look Ahead to Next Week on Sarcastic Bastard

The neighbors FROM HELL are being evicted, thanks to moi. This all went down yesterday. I'll post the full story next week and pray that in the meantime my car tires are not fucking slashed and my animals are not poisoned. No account trashy-assed motherfuckers. SB SAYS: GOOD RIDDANCE, BITCHES!

And I should add. . . .

Any of my blog family who has the misfortune to travel to Ohio, contact me. I'd love to meet up. Unless you are a serial killer or a republican (same difference).

Maybe I could have liked Mel and A more, but I seriously doubt it.

SB had the distinct privilege of meeting the fabulous Mel and A from Mel's Way or No Way last night over dinner at Max & Erma's. Maybe I could have liked the two of them more or had a better time, but I doubt it. It really makes me happy to have confirmed by these two fine ladies that I am a good judge of character with my blog family. My instincts are good about people, even when I haven't met them face-to-face, but have instead established a relationship through blogging. You really CAN get to know people well just by reading about their lives. I felt comfortable with Mel and A right away. It was like meeting family you didn't know you had.

I am also happy that Mel and A have such a great relationship. They are the cutest couple EVER. The Moms (who had to drive me to meet them, because the Viking had my car) mentioned what a great relationship they have, as well. She said she thoroughly enjoyed herself. She must have, because she invited Mel and A to hook their RV up behind her house the next time they come to town.

Anyhoo, I wish all of us very hot bitches could be neighbors. We would have such a good goddamn time. Except I wish we could be neighbors here in Buttfuck, Ohio, because this ho could not survive the damn Minnesota winters. Uh uh.

I love you Mel and A.! Thanks SO MUCH for making the effort to drive over and meet up with me. You are two of the nicest funniest people I know, and I dig you. Next time you are in town, you bitches and your gazillion dogs have a place to stay. We'll make Magic Bullet margaritas and let the damn dogs and cats run around and destroy shit. What fun!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

A Drunk Bitch Only Wanted Some Damn Nachos

It happens. Many is the night I used to hit Toxic Hell in college in the wee hours, after a drunken polluted mess of a binge, in search of delectable nachos. I think the judge should have been a weensy bit more understanding.


Shit SB Comments to Her Goddess of Truth and Beauty, Ms. Moon

Abraham Lincoln believed that happiness crap. He said something like: I think most people are about as happy as they decide to be.

I say that bitch of a jury is still out.

I Just Like the Damn Photo, Okay? (For Ms. Moon)

Scarlett's a Stalker

A bitch is stalking the Penn peen.

Quote of the Damn Day: Prince Phillip (In Honour of his 90th Birthday)

People think there’s a rigid class system here, but dukes have been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans.

[This American still loves you, Prince Phillip. A very happy birthday to you! I think you're a doll.]

Pedo Clown Much?

Ronald McDonald in 1971
Willard Scott as Ronald McDonald.

This is some creepy-assed shit.

A MESSAGE TO MY BELOVED BLOG FAMILY: I'm too damn popular. I just don't have the fucking time or inclination to respond to ALL the comments I receive.

Sorry, but I have seven cats, a diarrhetic damn dog, a Viking, a house to take care of, plus a damn full-time job and short-bus cocksucking inconsiderate neighbors FROM HELL on top of that. [Fuckers keep my cranky ass awake to all hours, but I'm working on getting them evicted.]


The ACTUAL message is:
Don't get your damn underwear in a twist if I don't respond to EVERY GODDAMN SINGLE comment. Popularity has been a cross I have to bear in my life, and I simply don't have time to respond to every damn comment I get. I am now implementing a RANDOM RESPONSE system to comments. This method involves responding infrequently and on a damn whim. Okay, so it's not a method. FUCK YOU. Anyhoo, don't be thinking it's personal and getting all huffy and offended if I don't respond to every goddamn comment you leave. Put your damn Big Boy pants on and DEAL.

I DO read every comment and love harboring the illusion that I am popular, so please keep the comments coming.

Thank you.

You can't fit the entire squirrel in the damn view finder. Way to go, tourists!

Apparently this bitch was overfed by well-intentioned fat fuck American tourists. The ho who took the photo couldn't even get his entire fat ass in the damn view finder.

It's NOT bad enough that Americans want to make all the little childrens fat, they want to make the damn wildlife fat, too. Fucker looks like a damn loofah.

Say Something NICE.

Here we go: Miss Davidson has nearly 7,000 piercings on her body

Uhhhhmmm, maybe she's a really nice person, or maybe a bitch swallows after a blow job. Also, maybe all that shit in her face is pleasantly stimulating to his peen.

He may well be marrying her for her good grammatical skills.

"My family don't even like tattoos or piercings."

[And remember, a bitch don't even smoke or drink! That makes her a catch.]

Because I'm in a mean mood this morning, I found this particularly funny.

I would have been labeled skinny in my high school yearbook, but now I'd be the fatty.

We live in flux, people! A bitch can't get attached to circumstances. Everything fucking changes. If I teach your short-bus asses nothing else, let it be this!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Who doesn't enjoy a damn dip?

A bitch wasn't hot enough already in the damn Florida heat. His fat ass wanted a dip in the fucking hot tub. Move your ass over!

This is sickening as hell. Can we start believing that everybody is fucking well okay the way they are, PLEASE?

There wasn't a goddamn thing wrong with Kirk Murphy, but there was something definitely wrong with the people in his life who tried to shame him out of being who he was uniquely born to be. As far as I'm concerned, they murdered him by killing his spirit.

Your Cute for the Damn Day. You're Welcome!

Mary Johnson Is a Very Wise and Decent Human Being

There are some decent Christians left in the world who actually walk the damn walk. Mary Johnson is one of them.

Shit SB Comments to Ms. Moon, Her Idol of Greatness

My grandmother swore until her dying day that Liberace was not gay. I used to laugh at her ass. She even had a picture of him in a frame. She was "sweet" on him.

I told her, "Grandma, Lee wouldn't want to bone you. No way. You'd gross his ass out. He's obviously not into vaginas."

[I think the picture above might have put our argument to rest once and for all. Jesus.]

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Sarcastic Update

Thanks for all of your kind comments of late. I really DO appreciate EVERY SINGLE one. Please forgive me for not having the time to respond to each individual comment, as I would prefer to do.

It looks like I will be having some greatly increased work responsibilities under the new regime here (I'll find out more tomorrow), so I am not going to be posting or having the time to visit other blogs as much as I did formerly. In this cocksucking economy, I just feel lucky to have a job.

I assure you all that I'll still be around visiting and posting from time-to-time. Your patience with a motherfucker is appreciated.



Friday, June 3, 2011

I Just Like the Damn Photo, Okay?

Elvis's grandson, Ben, as if you couldn't tell.

Shit SB Says to the Viking While Sitting on a Tombstone in the Local Cemetery

I enjoy the company of the dead a lot more than the living. Let's face it, they're way more interesting, and you can have better conversations with them. I'm a humanist--I just prefer dead humans.

Streaker Jumps in Public Pool and Clears that Bitch Out in Seconds Flat

The greatest part of the video is the eyewitless bleach blond ho, wearing the faux-designer sunglasses, and her mini-me child. Clearly, she is teaching the kid how to be a hot trick. It's Kansas, people! The only future this kid has got is as a damn pole dancer at the local strip mall.

The Tragic Story Behind Resuscitator Annie

My dad was a safety coordinator for a local power company when I was a kid, so he brought one of these bitches home at one point so my brother and I could learn CPR. I couldn't put my mouth on a bitch, because that ho looked JUST LIKE Glenn Close. No way I was kissing that scary rabbit-boiling bitch. No fucking way.

School yearbook lists Bush and Cheney alongside Hitler as two of the five worst people of all time

Way to go Russellville Middle School, I say! I couldn't agree more.

I just got an interesting spam comment.

It said that they really enjoyed my quite polite blog. I had to laugh.

Shit SB Says

I find the dog swimwear in the ad distressing. That's all I got out of your post. I plead too much college drinking and batches of dead brain cells. Sorry. I have the attention span of a fruit fly. It could also be because I was raised Methodist. If the damn sermon is longer than 15 minutes, Methodists start to nod off.

What Garbo was REALLY saying in the post below

You American assholes drive me batshit, pretending to be happy all the time. I'd like to slap your dumb annoying asses upside the goddamn heads, and then, when I stop, you'll really have something to be happy about.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Quote of the Damn Day: Garbo

In America you are all so happy. Why are you all so happy all the time? I am not always happy. Sometimes yes, sometimes no. When I am angry, I am very bad. I shut my door and do not speak.I

I Just Like the Damn Photo, Okay? Garbo Even Looked Damn Good Old.

I'd kill to look like her at any age.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A new phrase I am tempted to use ALL THE DAMN TIME

One of our managers here at work, who is not known for his decisiveness, just dumped a project that I helped him set up (a project he volunteered to do) totally in my lap and then said: JUST RUN WITH IT.

I'm going to start unloading my shit on other hapless peons by saying JUST RUN WITH IT and walking away before they have time to react or ask questions.

Feel free to borrow the phrase. It is almost certainly sure to make your life less complex and also ensure that your personal workload will decrease.


Can We PLEASE Fucking Stop?

Can we stop referring to dead people as angels in guest books and obituaries, PLEASE? It gags the shit out of me. Referring to the departed as an angel is the most nauseating and unoriginal thing you could possibly say. You might as well say the dead person was nice--
that shit is so fucking un-descriptive.

[And YES, I know un-descriptive is not a word. Fuck you.]

Somebody needs to give this bitch a modeling contract.

So a bitch has gappy teeth. It works for the Jagger kid.

Just not into the blogging this week

I'll post whenever I fucking well feel like it. Not a damn minute before. My life is Groundhog Day, but I'm still alive. I just didn't want you motherfuckers to worry.