Friday, December 21, 2012

A Newspaper Comment from Down Home in Savannah that Made Me Laugh

“Christmas is on Tuesday. See how many kids are outside. There won’t be any. They’ll all be inside playing those terrible video games and getting fat!”

Greer Lankton is my favorite artist.

If you don't know about Greer, you probably should. Her dolls are amazing. She was amazing. 

If you knew Greer, I would love to hear any stories about her. I am sort of obsessed with her right now, and any friend of Greer's, is a friend of mine. You can e-mail me at or leave your remembrances of Greer in the comments section of this blog. Thank you!

Links to Info on Greer

The problem is violence and weapons, so let's stockpile MORE of them!

This country is just nuts.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Justin Bieber's Testicles Aren't Worth $2,500 Each

Clearly he doesn't do anything with them. Maybe he can sell them and make some dough.

We adopted a homeless family here at the office for X-mas. $5,000 would really help those needy bitches out.

Don't tell Russell Brand I just said that.

If her network doesn't start doing better, she'll be inviting the cameras in to watch her take a shit soon.

John Mayer must have a REALLY BIG schlong.

He treats women like crap, and he has the weakest mouth EVER. Also, his music is lame as fuck. Put it this way, if his songs were paintings, I wouldn't line the damn cat's box with them.

I hope he is smart enough to hang on to Katy. She's WAY out of his league.

We LOVE Janice. She's our kind of crazy!

And a bitch hit PAY DIRT. Think how much money she'll save! Janice is engaged to a psycho-pharmacology expert. HOT DAMN. You go, girl!

But seriously, SB loves you, Janice. I wish you all the best.

             Wedding bells: Janice Dickinson showed off an engagement ring on Thursday while posing with her new fiance Dr. Robert Gerner 

Man, Only in America. . . .

I'm going to say this, and it's not going to be popular, but it's my blog, and I can say whatever the fuck I want. Only in America. With TOTAL sympathy to the victim's families, I say this: Live by the sword, die by the sword. America lives by the sword. If someone takes out a class of elementary school children, it could only happen here. John Lennon could only have been shot here too. Fucking sickening.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Nothing Human Remains, all right. That's exactly how I and a couple of Tom Cruise's ex-wives would describe him.

No, I did NOT write the Urban Outfitters X-mas ad. Those bitches stole my schtick though. Pay up, you bunch of thieving whorish motherfuckers!

For Ms. Moon, Who Asked My Fat Ass to Re-Post this Shit

Grandma Peg and the Humbel Nativity 

My Grandma Peg LOVED Christmas. LOVED IT. She was nearly giddy with the glee of the damn season (SB calls it the Season of Darkness, so obviously my ass did not take after her. Also, Grandma had really big boobs, and I didn't get those either.).

Anyhoo, Peg loved Hummel figurines, which she called, Humbels, due to a slight hearing problem. (Yeah, and Elvis was Alvin Prescott, as you'll possibly fucking remember from an earlier post, but whatever. . .).

Grandma's ass splurged one year and bought herself the ENTIRE fucking Humbel Nativity. That shit was quite costly, as there is no accounting for taste, and Precious Moments figures were expensive once, too, right? Hummels and the Precious Moments make SB want to gag and bust them up WITH A FUCKING HAMMER, but again, I digress.

Before I go further, I should explain that my tiny southern grandmother was known for her eccentric decorating taste (she even wallpapered the backs of doors), and frankly, she had some fucking weird ideas about what went together. Also, a lot of her house looked like a fucking French whore house, but to her, that was GRAND DECOR, motherfuckers. That shit was posh.

Anyhoo, after purchasing the damn nativity, Grandma decided that her precious fucking manger was not showy enough and that the Baby Jesus should be spotlighted like a Barrymore in a play. After all, his infantile ass was supposed to be holy and worshipped by the animals and the damn Wise Men. He was THE POINT. He was THE STAR.

Grandma rigged a fucking Maglite to the roof of the manger, and SB's brother, Steve, would not stop making remarks and laughing about it. "Jesus Christ, Grandma, the Baby Jesus is going to be blind. How will he perform miracles WHEN HE'S BLIND?"

After that, undaunted by my brother's mirth, Grandma decided that the Humbel nativity didn't come with enough lowing beasts, so she bought some ill-sized cheap porcelain add-on animal figures that looked like they might eat the poor blinded Baby Jesus and worshipping Wise Men.

Well, of course, Peg thought that shit was JUST GREAT! Her manger would be the envy of the neighbourhood! She was SO PROUD of that cocksucking nativity, it was unbelievable. It had pride of place in the living room.

Note: My Aunt M. has the infamous nativity now and displays it every year, replete with the damn Maglite, which my brother still has to make rude comments about.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Thomas C. Wales Was a Good Man and He Deserves Justice


Yesterday afternoon, I read a very fine article at The New Yorker, written by Jeffrey Toobin and linked here:

I spent most of the evening in a disturbed state and simply could not get Thomas Wales and the justice denied him off my mind.

This morning, on the way out to the frost-covered car, a single question popped into my head.

Where are our Edgar R. Murrows?

If we can’t depend on our government agencies to do what they should, who do we turn to? I think spotlighting Mr. Wales’s case on a show like Murrow’s might get things stirred up and moving again. 

Where is our outrage that a decent man like Mr. Wales—a beloved father, a good neighbor and friend, and a man who served our country on a daily basis--has had no justice?

I’m not going to recount here the details of Tom Wales’s tragic death. I could not possibly add anything to Mr. Toobin’s well-written and well-researched article, linked above. But, as an American, I must say I am outraged that the perpetrator(s) is still out there. This is the word that keeps surfacing for me. I must ask: If the F.B.I. doesn’t work any more diligently than they have to capture the perpetrators of Mr. Wales’s assassination, then what sort of justice can I or my family expect as average citizens?

I also ask the F.B.I. and the Federal Government in general: Whatever happened to taking care of your own? Evidently, the pursuit of a murderer is dependent upon the popularity of the personal politics of the victim. As an American, I find that notion, quite simply, disgusting.

In a commencement address he gave, Tom Wales once wisely urged: "Be engaged; be involved in what goes on around you. Be present in your own life. Find something you believe in passionately and get into it. Get outraged. Take a stand."

I'm outraged all right. Movie, Mr. Clooney?

For more information on Thomas C. Wales and his life, please visit the Thomas C. Wales Foundation at

Friday, November 16, 2012

You couldn't make this shit up.

I have an odd sense of humor so I found this macabre-ly funny.

Graham Young was a unique poisoner in that he seems that have poisoned just about everyone he came into contact with, including himself a few times by accident. Young started his career as a poisoner at 14 in 1961, by poisoning his family with antimony and digitalis. Most of the people he poisoned became violently ill, but did not die. He poisoned his father, step mother, sister, and a school friend. His stepmother, whom he had hated from a young age, died, but it was not known until later that she had been poisoned.
Suspicions grew and Young soon confessed to poisoning his family, and was incarcerated at Broadmoor Hospital in 1962, a maximum-security mental institution for criminals. During his nine years at Broadmoor he passed the time by improving his knowledge of poisons and continuing his “experiments” on the staff and inmates, one of whom died of cyanide poisoning that Graham seems to have compounded himself from laurel bush leaves on the property. He also poisoned the staff’s coffee with harpic bleach from the toilets, and their tea with sugar soap. Had his poisons not been detected he could easily have killed all 97 people on staff. After that the staff would scold inmates saying, “Unless you behave, I’ll let Graham make your coffee.” In 1971 doctors deemed his recovery complete. Young was released and his record sealed. Prior to his release he wrote a letter to his sister stating that he would kill one person for every year he had spent incarcerated. The comment was entered into his record, but Young was released anyway.
LInk to the whole twisted ball of wax:

Shit SB E-mails Her Idol Ms. Moon

I’m in the middle of massive crisis--I just read that Hostess is closing down. I think I need a whole bottle of vodka about now. I have three more hours to go! I hope I can make it. I may need to stop at Kroger's and buy them out of orange cupcakes after work. Jesus help us! There are no Atheists in fox holes. Please Jesus—SAVE HOSTESS!

Superman, where are you now, when everything's gone wrong somehow?

Please save us, Superman! Hostess is shutting down!!! Lord Jesus. SAVE MY WONDERBREAD AND HOSTESS ORANGE CUPCAKES!!!! Or alternately, could some fat-ass rich bastard like Donald Trump bail Hostess out? The Donald is in a little hot water with Cher (Google Cher Macy's) right now. Maybe if he saves Hostess, Cher will forgive him.

Firefighters Are My Heroes and I Have Great Taste

His hero: Rebecca Quintanilla, center left, wipes tears from her face as her adopted son Koregan, 10, hugs Arlington Fire Fighter Wesley Keck in their first meeting since he was found at the station

I love you Wesley Keck.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

God Bless the Rockaways, God Bless Queens, and God Bless the FDNY

My thoughts are with all of you. I used to live in Astoria, Queens, myself. You are a tough bunch, and I have TOTAL faith you'll make it and rebuild, but it sucks ass.

New Jersey, I love you too!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Quote of the Goddamn Day: Wendell Berry

In a society in which nearly everybody is dominated by somebody else's mind or by a disembodied mind, it becomes increasingly difficult to learn the truth about the activities of governments and corporations, about the quality or value of products, or about the health of one's own place and economy.

In such a society, also, our private economies will depend less and less upon the private ownership of real, usable property, and more and more upon property that is institutional and abstract, beyond individual control, such as money, insurance policies, certificates of deposit, stocks, and shares. And as our private economies become more abstract, the mutual, free helps and pleasures of family and community life will be supplanted by a kind of displaced or placeless citizenship and by commerce with impersonal and self-interested suppliers...

Thus, although we are not slaves in name, and cannot be carried to market and sold as somebody else's legal chattels, we are free only within narrow limits. For all our talk about liberation and personal autonomy, there are few choices that we are free to make. What would be the point, for example, if a majority of our people decided to be self-employed?

The great enemy of freedom is the alignment of political power with wealth. This alignment destroys the commonwealth - that is, the natural wealth of localities and the local economies of household, neighborhood, and community - and so destroys democracy, of which the commonwealth is the foundation and practical means.

― Wendell BerryThe Art of the Commonplace: The Agrarian Essays

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

These lyrics speak for me today

Compliments of Tom fucking Petty, who rocketh mightily.

My love’s an ocean
You better not cross it
Yeah I’ve been the distance
And I need some rest

Yeah I had somebody once

And damn if I lost her
I’ve been running
Like a man possessed

I don’t scare easy
Don’t fall apart
When I’m under the gun
You can break my heart
And I ain’t gonna run
I don’t scare easy
For no one

Yeah, I am a loser
At the top of my game
I should have known
To keep an eye on you

Now I got a God

It ain’t never the same
Yeah, I got a dream
That don’t ever come true

I don’t scare easy
Don’t fall apart
When I’m under the gun
You can break my heart
But I ain’t gonna run
I don’t scare easy
For no one

Sun going down
On a canyon wall
I got a soul
That ain’t never
Been blessed

Yeah and I’m a shadow

At the back of the hall
Yeah, I got a sin
I ain’t never confessed

And I don’t scare easy
Don’t fall apart
When I’m under the gun
You can break my heart
And I ain’t gonna run
I don’t scare easy
For no one

And I don’t scare easy
Don’t fall apart
When I’m under the gun
You can break my heart
But I ain’t gonna run
I don’t scare easy
For no one

Shit SB E-mails to Her Idol Ms. Moon

On the way home last night, I pass this unbelievable dingbat, who has a bumpersticker which reads: I’ll take the Mormon over the moron. I kid you not. What sort of delusion would you live under that you think Obama is a moron? I almost followed the dumb cunt into the parking lot to give her an earful, but then situations in the Kroger parking lot haven’t gone too well for me historically. This person probably worships Rush. I mean, Jesus H. I would have liked to have said to her—so you’re smarter than a guy who made it through Harvard Law, huh? You can clearly tell that I am in a lovely mood this morning.

Tonight is Beggar’s Night here. What fun the kiddies are going to have with the rain and gusting wind! Who the fuck schedules Beggar’s Night the night BEFORE Halloween? Dumb bunch of fucks.

Shit SB Says

Winter is a pitiless cunt whore.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Excerpt from Morrissey Interview with the Columbus Dispatch

Q: Any thoughts on the upcoming U.S. election?
A: None that extend beyond the normal despondency. There simply seems to be nowhere to go. Obama ought to have handed the baton to Hillary Clinton. But people never give up power, do they?
I wonder why the president is never single. It seems that only married couples can be elected. Michelle Obama gave a lengthy speech recently. Why, exactly? Who voted her in? Only a black lesbian mother could ever be the right president for America.
Q: What legacy do you want your work to leave?
A: People who make music never die. The song lives on forever — and, as soon as it’s heard, you are as alive and young and demented as you were when the song was recorded. 
Q: Can you reveal one thing that truly, genuinely makes you happy?
A: I don’t understand the question.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

As if I have to prove my point about Dave's good-lookingness to you bunch of dumb motherfuckers

Dave picks up some damn takeout.


A recent, and sadly rare, sighting of the man SB still thinks is perhaps the best-looking human being on the planet. And also, he is English, and SB has a distinct preference for the English. Jesus has his chosen people and I have mine, bitches!

I Just Like the Damn Photo, Okay?

Dave as a kid. SB loves you, Dave, wherever you are!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Shit SB Says

I have decided that if I don't have anything nice to say, I am just going to remain the fuck silent. So far today, this has rendered me cocksucking mute.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Quote of the Damn Day: David Johansen

I remember one time, I was standing on Third Avenue and Third Street, and I was with David Bowie. We were trying to cross Third Avenue, and this truck driver drives by us. And I think he thought we were girls, and he started yelling at us, "I want to eat your
cunt, baby!" And I said, "Oh, yeah, dude, well you’re going to have to suck my dick!" And Bowie was saying, "Oh, no David, don’t provoke him!" And I said, "Listen, that's the way we talk here in New York." So, I guess people would say shit, but it didn’t really offend me or anything." You know, I was onto something, so I wasn’t going to let some idiot deter me from where I was goin

--David Johansen

[Listen, that's the way we talk here in New York, made me laugh. It's so true. I lived in NYC.]

The New York Dolls may be the most wrongly overlooked motherfuckers in the history of rock music. If you haven't yet checked it out, One Day It Will Please Us to Remember Even This is on my continual playlist currently. Highly fucking recommended. The Dolls may have aged, but they sure as fuck don't play like old men.

Thursday, October 11, 2012


One of our local politicians, who for the sake of discretion (RICK MCKIDDY) shall remain nameless, has signs planted fucking everywhere, proclaiming: NOT FOR SALE.

This message is for Rick, because SB is nothing if not damn helpful to a politician's rat bastard ass:


Your fat overfed politician's ass is NOT IMMUNE to a good payoff and neither am I. So fuck you.

Got that? Okay.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Dade City's Wild Things Near Tampa, FL, SUCKS ASS

Animals are NOT toys, you stupid fucking bastards. Babies need their sleep. Bitches are wearing the cubs out swimming them around with motherfucking fat-assed tourists, when the cubs should be having nappy time instead.


Look at this face. They could at least give the little fella some damn swimmies! Fuckers.


Friday, October 5, 2012

Picture of the Goddamn Day: Rufus Wainwright

You WISH you could carry off this hat. You can't. Give it up, motherfucker! Solo Rufus. Solo Rufus.

Welcome Home Army Staff Sgt. Travis Mills! You are SB's Hero. Seriously.

This is my new normal, and it's all about how I adjust to it. There's no good that's gonna come from me sitting there and wondering, `Why'd this happen? Why me? Now what do I do?' The answer's right in front of you: It happened because it happened.

                                                                  Grand marshals: The Mills family pose before heading off to the parade that draws hundreds to honour their town's returning soldier

Thank you for serving, and more importantly, for coming home, Travis. You are loved and greatly admired (by a whole LOT of people, clearly).


Heart Condition or No, I Wish the Bear Had Eaten Her

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Shit SB E-mails Her Idol Ms. Moon

The idea of gratefulness journal makes me want to fucking puke. That probably says A LOT about me.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Russell Brand Playing Jesus Again. YAWN.

Good Samaritan: He wore the quirky get-up to take a group of local homeless people out for breakfast at the Newsroom Cafe on Thursday morning

Russ dressed down so that the homeless people wouldn't feel bad. Actually, the homeless peeps look better than Russell.

His Jeez-ness makes my fat uncharitable ass feel guilty. I think I'll force the grouchy homeless guy down the street to go to breakfast with me tomorrow.

SB Hit the Kroger this Morning for Some Joe and Got Waved at by a Retarded Guy. It was GREAT.

Joe means coffee, for you dumb young fucks, who have never heard the term before. Anyway, as I was walking in the entrance of the store, there was a group of retarded young adults (okay, I should be politically correct and say "mentally-challenged" adults or some shit, but fuck you, it's my blog, so I'll say whatever the hell I want). Anyway, one of the adults--a young somewhat twisted up looking black male--shouted a REALLY EMPHATIC good morning at me. For some damn reason, it made my whole morning nicer. I guess Bret Easton Ellis's snotty ass would say I am just another sentimental mid-westerner, but on the other hand, this sentimental mid-westerner would tell that pretentious two-surnamed fuck, Easton Ellis, to blow it out his ass.

But thank you retarded guy for waving! See how much cheerier I am?

Shit SB Says

It’s a waste of time and energy trying to convert the stupid.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Wade had to act fast and hit that shit while it was still warm.

Some folks would call Wade entrepreneurial.

Happy 14th Birthday, Google!

I don't know what I'd do without Google. Now, can I have a work-at-home job? SB is one damn fine editor. A ho has 46 pets to take care of, and they'd like my fat ass to stay at home and work. Help a bitch out Mountain Viewers, wouldja?

In fact, if I had a dollar (okay, ten dollars) for every time I tell some poor confused inept bastard to google something, I wouldn't have to work. I helped make you a verb, damn it!

HAPPY 14TH GOOGLE! Sarcastic Bastard wishes you GAZILLIONS more.

With love,


It's too bad the hand of God didn't help the folks on Flight 93.

This sort of thinking INFURIATES my ass. It's an insult to anybody who ever lost a loved one in an airline crash.

Animals do NOT belong on planes. If you have a pet, you have a responsibility. Stay the fuck home.

Just try and get Puppine's ass in the cargo hold. I dare you! 

Would you put one of your children in the damn cargo hold? If you would, we could be friends! E-mail me!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

For My Readers in the UK

From an obituary.

Martha's greatest joy was to see young people accept Jesus as their Savior. She was a member of Faith Bible Chapel most of her life and a member of South Christian Church in her latter days. She played the piano at church for many years and loved to sing solos and duets at church services. She also loved music and loved to shag. 

More Shit SB Says to Ms. Moon

I delete or tear up and trash my own photos, too. Or I still give out my high school graduation photo from 1984. It’s the only decent photo ever taken of me since childhood EVER.

[I actually offered one of my high school graduation photos to the Viking when he complained that he had no pictures of me, when we first started dating. Seriously, I did. I weighed about 125 in 1984. Now my fat ass is closer to 165. Fucker declined. Whatever.]

If there is a more handsome man than John Unger, I'm not sure who he'd be.

SB loves you, John! And Schoep. I love him, too! So glad he's doing better.


What Becomes an Ugly Cunt in Fur Most?


SB Pet Peeve: Bitches Who Drive Gas-Guzzling Selfish SUVs


Next time any of you selfish bitches who own SUVs pull up to a stop light, hang back a little, so the less selfish person, riding in the normal-sized car next to you, and who is trying to see around your big honking AMERICAN SELFISH SUV-DRIVING ASS, can see to safely make a damn turn.

BIG SHOUT OUT to all the kids who died over in Iraq and Afghanistan so that you assholes could continue to fill your damn swimming pool-sized gas tanks and so that you SELFISH BUNCH OF FAT FUCKS can ride in comfort.

And to the guy driving the SELFISH HUGE-ASSED SUV towards me, halfway in my lane yesterday afternoon, who had the gall to flip my ass off when I honked at you to get your SELFISH SUV DRIVING ASS out of my way, FUCK YOU, YOU PEA-BRAINED CUNT. I know it's a challenge for you to manage to stay in your own damn lane in your Suburban. CUNT.

Shit SB Writes Her Idol Ms. Moon

[on the season and battling autumnal depression] I just want to sleep, sleep, sleep. Almost all will to exercise has now gone. And I really NEED to be doing it. So our asses beat on, boats against the cocksucking current.


Note to Readers: And YES, my ass actually typed autumnal. Bitch was an English major! It's my damn prerogative to use some of the fancy words I learned. Fuck you.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

This post is for my cousin Randy Haney, who died honorably and uselessly in Afghanistan.

I guess I'll vote for one of the two goddamn assholes running for President when one of them decides to bring our troops home. At the link below, is a remembrance of SB's cousin, Randy Haney. His young family and sweet mother sacrificed a life with Randy due to a useless fucking quagmire in Afghanistan that the damn politicians are responsible for. I'd happily trade any of their useless fucking asses for Randy's life in a minute.

Note: Randy's mother opened a bakery in Troy, Ohio, that is open 7 days a week, so she'd have something to do besides be sad and grieve for her son. That's what decent people do when they are fucked over by politicians and their children are treated like so many disposable toys.

I love you, Randy. Rest in peace.

Randy joined the army after finding a lack of good paying 
jobs. . . .

Bring Our Men and Women Home from Afghanistan

Hello my name is SSG Matthew Sitton. I am in the 82nd Airborne Division stationed in Ft. Bragg, NC. I am currently deployed with the 4th Brigade Combat Team in support of Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan. I am writing you because I am concerned for the safety of my soldiers. This is my 3rd combat tour to Afghanistan so I have seen the transition in Rules of Engagement and Overall Tactics over the past 6 years.

'I am all for getting on the ground and fighting for my country when I know there is a desired endstate and we have clear guidance of what needs to be done. But when we are told basically to just walk around for a certain amount of time is not sitting well with me'

I am only writing this email because I feel myself and my soldiers are being put into unnecessary positions where harm and danger are imminent. I know the threat of casualties in war and am totally on board with sacrifice for my country, but what I don't agree with is the chain of command making us walk through, for lack of a better term, basically a mine field on a daily basis.

I am in a platoon of 25 soldiers. We are operating at a tempo that is set for a full 35-40 man infantry platoon. We have been mandated to patrol twice daily for 2-4 hours each patrol on top of guarding our FOB and conducting routine maintenance of our equipment. There is no endstate or purpose for the patrols given to us from our higher chain of command, only that we will be out for a certain time standard. I am all for getting on the ground and fighting for my country when I know there is a desired endstate and we have clear guidance of what needs to be done. But when we are told basically to just walk around for a certain amount of time is not sitting well with me.

As a Brigade, we are averaging at a minimum an amputee a day from our soldiers because we are walking around aimlessly through grape rows and compounds that are littered with explosives. Not to mention that the operation tempo that every solider is on leaves little to no time for rest and refit. The moral and alertness levels on our patrol are low and it is causing casualties left and right.

Here is an example of how bad things have gotten. Our small FOB was flooded accidentally by a local early one morning a few days ago. He was watering his fields and the damn he had broke and water came flooding into our Living Area. Since our FOB does not have any portable bathrooms, we had to dig a hole in the ground where soldiers could use the bathroom. That also got flooded and contaminated all the water that later soaked every soldier and his gear. Instead of returning to base and cleaning up, our chain of command was so set on us meeting the brigade commanders 2 patrols a day guidance that they made us move outside the flooded FOB and conduct our patrols soaked in urine.

That is just one single instance of the unsatisfactory situations that our chain of command has put us in. At least three of my soldiers have gotten sick since that incident and taken away from our combat power because of their illness caused by unhealthy conditions.

I understand that as a commander you are to follow the orders of those appointed over you however there needs to be a time where the wellness of your soldiers needs to take priority over walking around in fields for hours a day for no rhyme or reason, but only to meet the Brigade Commanders guidance of you will conduct so many patrols for such an allotted time.
I'm concerned about the well being of my soldiers and have tried to voice my opinion through the proper channels of my own chain of command only to be turned away and told that I need to stop complaining. It is my responsibility to take care of my soldiers and there is only so much I can do with that little bit of Rank I have. My guys would fight by my side and have my back in any condition and I owe it to them to have their best interest in mind. I know they would and I certainly would appreciate it if there was something that you could do to help us out. I just want to return my guys home to their families healthy. I apologize for taking your time like this Sir, and I do appreciate what you do for us. I was told to contact you by my Grand Mother (name blacked out) who said that you had helped her son (my uncle) (name blacked) out many years ago. He also was serving in the military at the time. Thank you again for allowing soldiers like me to voice their opinion. If anything Please Pray for us over hear. God Bless

Very respectfully,

SSG Matthew Sitton

Rest in peace, Matt. God bless.

Friday, September 21, 2012

HIGHLY Recommended Film: Liberal Arts

"Nobody feels like an adult. It's the world's dirty secret." 

--Professor Peter Hoberg

I watched the BEST film I have seen all year, last night. It was written and directed by a fellow Ohioan, Josh Radnor, who is a hell of a writer and an amazing actor (something about him reminds me of Johnny Depp--watch the film). A lot of the movie was actually shot in Gambier, Ohio, at Kenyon College, but don't let that stop you. I crack myself up. Actually, the campus there is pretty stunning.

The film is about a graduate of Kenyon who lives and works in New York City and returns to Kenyon upon the request of an old favorite professor (played by the fine veteran actor Richard Jenkins) for his retirement festivities. The film also includes one of my favorite young actresses, Elizabeth Olsen, as a potential love interest for Josh's character.

I have to say that I was kind of put off by the casting of Zac Efron in any damn role, quite frankly. Teen idols make a bitch dubious! But Zac had a small role as a sort of weird campus angel and was perfect in the part. In fact, the whole movie was pretty damn perfect. 

Allison Janney, not surprisingly, damn near stole the movie in a small role as a cold, disillusioned Romantic Lit professor. She has some of the best lines in the film, including: "My advice to you is this--put some armor around that gooey little heart of yours." I am pleased to say that Radnor's female characters are strong, believable, and multidimensional. It was a really refreshing change.

A Few Words for Viewers of the Film

Coming from English Lit, there is obviously a lot I found particularly amusing or touching in the film due to my educational background. However, that said, I think most of my readers will still find the movie excellent coming from any background, because it's about growing up and relating to people and how life happens to us.

The big book that is never named that the suicidal young man named Dean carries around and is referred to by Josh's character as the best book ever written, is David Foster Wallace's tome, Infinite Jest. David's famous commencement address, This Is Water, actually took place at Kenyon College. If you have not had the pleasure of reading this commencement address already, here is a link to it:

It is one of my favorite pieces of writing of all time. I carry it around with me in my head and think about it often.

Do me a favor, I am certainly no film reviewer, but if you happen to watch Liberal Arts, drop me a comment and let me know what you thought of it. I liked the film so much, I am buying a copy.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

A bitch DREAMT of losing 30 pounds, but she couldn't even manage that shit.

I wish this old spooge-dress wearing ho would just go away. If she was going to peddle her sorry-assed fucking story, she should have done it years ago. America has moved on, bitch! Please do the fucking same.

The Statute of Limitations Has Expired and a Bitch Needs Money for Lodging

Hands-down winner of Best Hair in the Witness Box EVER.

Kato Kaelin testifies during the O.J. Simpson double-murder trial on March 21, 1995

Help a bitch out, is anybody looking for a permanent house guest? Kato's hair product gig didn't work out so well. If a motherfucker spills his hair secrets to me, he can stay in the multi-cat litter box room. I'm nice like that.

Shit SB Says to Herself When Driving by the Town Anorexic

Keep on walking, you old batshit bag of bones.

Compassion is my middle name, peeps!

Never Underestimate How Dumb Americans Are

 [Just remove the second m in Mormon. Yep. Pretty much.]

I walked out of the house this morning and, un-fucking-fortunately, looked over at my neighbor's place next door, and they are nice enough people, but they have a Romney for President sign in their front yard. It never fucking ceases to amaze me how dumb my countrymen are. These neighbors are a couple who don't have a lot of money, but they work hard, and have managed to raise two kids. They live in such a tiny house, I'm not even sure how the whole fucking family fits in it, quite frankly. It's THAT small. But obviously they labor under some illusion that the republicans are here to help them. Actually they labor under the illusion that the republicans care about their low-income asses AT ALL. (I just refuse to capitalize the word republican because I have so little respect for the assholes the word represents.)

I agree with John Mellencamp that the republicans are only here to help their rich friends. What in the Sam hell these middle- and lower-income families are thinking by supporting that dumb Mormon fucker, Romney, is beyond me. Probably wisely, the republicans count on the church-going morality of a lot of these families to make things like keeping God in the schools and gay people from marrying and women from deciding what to do with their own goddamn bodies as more important than getting fucked with taxes, while the rich have loopholes out their rich fat fucking asses. Also the republicans count on "morality" being more important than the fact that we have shitty public education under them and libraries which have to cut hours just to remain open.

Guess I will be voting after all. The Viking and I can at least make the neighbors' votes a mute fucking point. BUT I GET SICK AND GODDAMN TIRED OF HAVING TO VOTE JUST TO KEEP A TOTAL FUCKING DOUCHEBAG, WHO I NEVER THOUGHT HAD A CHANCE IN HELL OF ACTUALLY GETTING ELECTED, OUT OF OFFICE! Thank you neighbors. Thank you America--you bunch of dumb fucks.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Big Shout Out to Ryan Buell

I watched Ryan's show Paranormal State faithfully during it's entire run. I love Ryan for always being kind, cool, and collected, and I just want to send him a shout out and let him know that SB cares about him. If anybody can beat that bitch cancer, it's Ryan. The guy has balls of steel.

Much love to you, Ryan. You have been in my thoughts often of late.

Russell Brand Gives Some Hapless Homeless Bitch a Shirt and a Lift

The Moms and I are BIG Russell Brand fans. Clearly, Russell not only resembles the Jeez, but he also walks the walk, motherfuckers!

I think, from the look on his face in the photo above, Russell may be contemplating HOW MUCH help he actually wants to give this drug-crazed bitch. He is probably thinking, if the media weren't around, I'd throw a twenty at this bitch and just drive the fuck off. But he DIDN'T. (Actually, that's what I would be thinking.)

Credit where credit's due, peeps! The man is a saint. 

Yet MORE Evidence the Chinese Are Assholes

As if we needed more. . . .

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

I posted this last year and it still goes.

As usual, I am late on this, and it probably won't have the impact it would have had if I had written this shit in September, but here goes nothing.

I feel a need to say something about this past 9/11 anniversary. I noticed something that really disturbed me about people's attitudes during that period of time. I think a lot of folks have let what happened in New York City at the Twin Towers become more about what George W. Bush and his cronies did with the opportunity afforded to them to twist things and to invade Iraq, than about the heroism of the rescue workers, and particularly the NYFD, on that awful bitch of a day.

The firemen who died that day would NOT have hesitated to save anyone who needed rescuing. Their heroism should be what this nation and the world remember and honor, NOT how that cocksucker Bush and his cronies bastardized and used the opportunity to profit from it.

I sat in a restaurant, before a football game on this past September 11th, and during the remembrance ceremony for the fallen rescue workers, watched countless people actually TALK over the ceremony. I was astounded and deeply angered. The thing is, those firemen would have rescued those same thoughtless assholes without hesitation. They didn't give two shits what a person's race or politics or income level was. They would have laid down their lives, because when other people run out of a burning building, their sheer balls and desire to help, overrides the impulse to run, and instead they go in. They do it every damn day, routinely.

Let's make 9/11 about the rescue workers who lost their lives that day, and not the shitty dirty politics of the Bush administration in the aftermath, okay?

The NYFD and other rescue workers lost that day deserve to be remembered and honored. I know I will NEVER EVER forget them. I am, and always will be, in total awe of them. I admire these men so deeply, that I regret my words here are wholly inadequate to express my feelings. They deserve something written by Lincoln or Walt Whitman. No eulogy is good enough. They were the best of us, the best of America. 

Friday, September 7, 2012

What My Teacher Told the Dads at a Parent/Teacher Conference When SB Was in Elementary School

Larry, don't worry about her. She could take over this whole school if she wanted to.

Seriously, she said that.

Shit SB Says to the Moms

I'm trying to bring back the word cunt. I feel it's under-utilized. I'll bet you and dad are really glad you shelled out for that English degree, huh?

The Iggy Pop Shirtless Timeline

At any age, I'd still nail the fucker. You betcha, as that cunt Sarah Palin would say, if anyone still cared what she had to say. And no one does.

Picture of the Damn Day: Johnny Irons Cheese!

There is fucking NO ONE I would rather watch iron cheese.

I think Iggy Pop and I are related. We have a similar delicacy of grammar.

“It’s like this: I made some fucking great-sounding music that still sounds fucking great, and—to drop my intellect and just get emotional about it—a bunch of fat fucks and pricks wouldn’t play my music anywhere where anybody could hear it, wouldn’t sell it in a part of the store where it could be bought. From the commercials, other people get to know me, and they check out the music.”

Ig's right too. He DID make some fucking great-sounding music. I listen to Iggy all the time. Fucker is like a shot of espresso in the mornings. He and Morrissey and Lou Reed are gods to me. 


Pet Fucking Peeve: Family Stickers on the Backs of Vehicles

I'd get the stickers if I could add the abortions I've had to the back of my own vehicle. Just kidding--I've had none. That I know about. But I think it SHOULD be an option for those who want to be more REAL. Say manufacturers, can we get a squishy bloody blob abortion sticker, please?

Give me all the shit you want, right-to-lifers, a bitch is pro-choice! In my opinion, a man shouldn't even have a vote on abortion rights. If you don't have the fucking equipment, your ass doesn't get a fucking vote. Piss off.

MEAN Shit SB Writes to Her Hero, Ms. Moon

One of my really kind of gross-fat co-workers was discussing reading the soft porno Shades of Gray book with another co-worker, who is pretty hot. I’ll bet he could have fucking puked. She said to him: If you weren’t horny before you started reading, you will be after. Yuck. I don’t need that mental fucking picture this early. She’s a really BIG girl, with a rumply butt. I like to think she NEVER EVER gets naked, let alone contemplates the sex act. I can hardly stand to see her fat ass clothed.

Hey, if I have to suffer BEFORE breakfast, so do you motherfuckers! Actually, the co-worker's butt is WAY WORSE than this. I haven't seen that shit naked, of course. Thank fucking Jesus for small favors.

Big SHOUT OUT to Google and

Good old Amazon. I couldn’t survive without or Google. It would not be a world I want to live in.

[Okay, I realize that totally goes against what I posted before, but I'm a damn artist. A bitch is ALLOWED to contradict herself. I have that license, motherfuckers.]

Thursday, September 6, 2012

How to be a Revolutionary

There is only one revolutionary way to live now. That is to move away from technology. 

[Yeah, I get the irony that I am typing this on a computer, motherfuckers.]

Quote of the Damn Day: Wendell Berry

No matter how much one may love the world as a whole, one can live fully in it only by living responsibly in some small part of it. Where we live and who we live there with define the terms of our relationship to the world and to humanity. We thus come again to the paradox that one can become whole only by the responsible acceptance of one's partiality. 

--Wendell Berry of Port Royal, Kentucky

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

#50 Tonto is fucking whitey and revenge is SWEET

A bitch has decided she needs to share some life observations. We're starting at number 50, motherfuckers! COUNT 'EM DOWN. I figured I'd do it in small doses--one thing at a time, rather than a long list--since my readers generally have the attention span of retarded gerbils. And so do I! I was raised Methodist, I can't help it.

So here we go. . . .

#50 Tonto is fucking whitey WITH LOAN INTEREST RATES!

The white man fucked the Native American, and now Tonto is having his revenge. Look at the interest rates on this bitch.

Yeah, I'll have that paid off by about the year 2090.

[And do NOT give me any crap about being racist. My great grandmother was full-blooded Ojibwa. Besides, it's my blog. I'll say whatever the fuck I want.]

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

God Bless You New Orleans & Mississippi

We all wait and hold our breath with you. SB doesn't generally pray, but I am praying for the safety of all of you down south in the path of Hurricane Isaac. God bless. You are in my thoughts.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Congratulations Rufus Wainwright and Jorn Weisbrodt on Your Marriage Yesterday!

SB wishes the both of you many years of happiness. I'm frankly thrilled as piss that you both finally took the leap. I hope it works out better for you guys than it did for me. We won't go there.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Shit SB Says

I swear, somebody can fart nearby and my mood and will changes.

My Favorite Saint and Prophet

And I'm not even kidding.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Fucker Never Had a Heart, so Why Does He Need One Now?


I had an idea I was going to pitch to MTV, where SB and the Jersey Shore kids move into a beach house and party A LOT and get drunk and then get drunk some more and then puke and then get drunk again and wait for Dick Cheney to die. I wanted to call it: HOUSE PARTY/CHENEY DEATH WATCH 2012.

For this and other quality programming, write your local network!

Shit SB E-Mails to Ms. Moon, Who She Loves MAS

I am totally with you on looking forward to fall. TOTALLY. I said the same thing to the Viking the other day. He drove me fucking nuts talking about the goddamn weather over the weekend. He was looking forward to cooler, but kept going on and on and ON about it. I finally told him I didn’t want to hear anymore about the goddamn weather. The way I see it—the weather will be what it will be. Ain’t shit I can do about it. I don’t want to hear about that shit for a goddamn half-hour straight. Yes, I somewhat offended him. Tough titties.

Two Old Queens Go at It

I think calling a ho a fairground stripper is insulting to fairground strippers everywhere. Is there a United Fairground Strippers of America, or some union organization, that we can call and report this shit to?

That said, SB is Team Elton!

Friday, July 27, 2012

He Isn't Even in Office and I Already HATE His Dumb Mormon Ass

To Mitt Romney,
FUCK YOU for saying it's hard to know how well the Olympic Games will turn out. I say this on behalf of the British people, who I happen to adore. You are an ignorant insulting BORE, and you have the manners of an inbred fucking baboon. Do us a favor and keep your dumb ass in the States. The rest of the world should NOT have to be subjected to you. (And also Romney hates the gays. Fuck you for that, too, Romney.)

Dear People of Britain,
I'd like to apologize on behalf of the ENTIRE United States for the offensive comments of that ignorant  son-of-a-bitch Mitt Romney. We are sorry to have once again unleashed his dumb republican ass on the world, since you have already suffered George W. Bush in recent times. I have full faith that the 2012 Olympic Games will be the best EVER.


Madge is GROSS

A ho should NOT be acting this way at her age. HAVE SOME DAMN DECORUM, MADONNA! This shit is NOT age appropriate. You could not pay my ass enough to have to look at that old wrinkly shit every damn night of the tour. Whatever tied-up-chair guy is making is not enough.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

A Few Words About the Shootings in Colorado

I turned over to a true crime news program that I regularly watch tonight, and it was about the terrible shootings out in Colorado. As usual, much of the program focused on the gunman, whose name I refuse to mention here, because he is not worth a mention or worthy of being included in any news or blog posts that also concern the victims. In my view, it would be disrespectful to the victims and their loved ones to mention this man by name. My heart, like many of the hearts in this country and the world, certainly goes out to the innocent victims and their families.

As usual, tonight, the newsies were mainly concerned with the shooter and why the shooting occurred. I remember that years ago when I lost someone very dear to me to suicide, and I just could not reconcile the death or the method of death with the personality I knew so very well, a very wise teacher of mine told me that I would never understand the act that my friend had committed because I was trying to reconcile an irrational act by using my rational mind. This teacher's answer so satisfied me that my suffering stopped almost immediately.

All of this is a rather lengthy lead up to ask that we please stop inquiring as to the whys of the Aurora shootings or any other senseless acts of violence. The decent will NEVER EVER understand the motivations of those who are indecent. The good will never understand the machinations of evil. Can we instead focus our mental energy on those who deserve it--the victims and those who love them?

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Morrissey and I are pretty much in agreement on this and also the fact that Chinese are a damn sub-species.

Of course I would have added nearly all of Moz's solo albums to the list, too. It would have to be my 46 favorite albums of all time. Laugh. I'm a rebel, damn it! A bitch can't stick to 13! RULES DO NOT APPLY TO ME.


Morrissey is my religion. Seriously.

If you have anything bad to say about Morrissey, please FUCK OFF.

If you have Columbus, Ohio, concert tickets so that I can meet my idol and worship him in person, please donate them, because a bitch is POOR and her idol is retiring in just a few short years.
E-mail me at I would be SOFA KING grateful. There are few persons in this world I would travel 2+ hours to see. I wouldn't do it for Jesus. I wouldn't even go that far to see the damn Beatles. But a bitch will make a glad exception for Morrissey.


Much Love,


p.s. Please don't retire. I don't know what I'd do without you! I am already dreading it.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Quote of the Damn Day by Iggy Pop

I can't really pee or go to the bathroom, I can't open my mouth without being compared to what I did 28 years ago or what I did 15 years ago. 

 --the Igster

I know how he feels. Half the time, anymore, I can't even make it to the damn bathroom. When a bitch has to piss, a bitch has to PISS.

 --Sarcastic Bastard

My Current Favorite Photo

I fucking WORSHIP Iggy Pop. You're welcome, assholes!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Why is there so much bad art of Jeff Buckley?

WHAT COULD JEFF HAVE POSSIBLY DONE TO DESERVE THIS SHIT? I will NEVER EVER get over his death, and I really do mean that. This does NOT fucking help matters.