Friday, December 20, 2013

At the Request of Ms. Moon, Who Is Always and Forever My Idol

Grandma Peg and the Humbel Nativity 

My Grandma Peg LOVED Christmas. LOVED IT. She was nearly giddy with the glee of the damn season (SB calls it the Season of Darkness, so obviously my ass did not take after her. Also, Grandma had really big boobs, and I didn't get those either.).

Anyhoo, Peg loved Hummel figurines, which she called, Humbels, due to a slight hearing problem. (Yeah, and Elvis was Alvin Prescott, as you'll possibly fucking remember from an earlier post, but whatever. . .).

Grandma's ass splurged one year and bought herself the ENTIRE fucking Humbel Nativity. That shit was quite costly, as there is no accounting for taste, and Precious Moments figures were expensive once, too, right? Hummels and the Precious Moments make SB want to gag and bust them up WITH A FUCKING HAMMER, but again, I digress.

Before I go further, I should explain that my tiny southern grandmother was known for her eccentric decorating taste (she even wallpapered the backs of doors), and frankly, she had some fucking weird ideas about what went together. Also, a lot of her house looked like a fucking French whore house, but to her, that was GRAND DECOR, motherfuckers. That shit was posh.

Anyhoo, after purchasing the damn nativity, Grandma decided that her precious fucking manger was not showy enough and that the Baby Jesus should be spotlighted like a Barrymore in a play. After all, his infantile ass was supposed to be holy and worshipped by the animals and the damn Wise Men. He was THE POINT. He was THE STAR.

Grandma rigged a fucking Maglite to the roof of the manger, and SB's brother, Steve, would not stop making remarks and laughing about it. "Jesus Christ, Grandma, the Baby Jesus is going to be blind. How will he perform miracles WHEN HE'S BLIND?"

After that, undaunted by my brother's mirth, Grandma decided that the Humbel nativity didn't come with enough lowing beasts, so she bought some ill-sized cheap porcelain add-on animal figures that looked like they might eat the poor blinded Baby Jesus and worshipping Wise Men.

Well, of course, Peg thought that shit was JUST GREAT! Her manger would be the envy of the neighbourhood! She was SO PROUD of that cocksucking nativity, it was unbelievable. It had pride of place in the living room.

Note: My Aunt M. has the infamous nativity now and displays it every year, replete with the damn Maglite, which my brother still has to make rude comments about.

Friday, December 13, 2013

An URGENT E-mail Discussion with Ms. Moon

[Note: Start from the bottom and read up, bitches!]

David Foster Wallace let his dogs eat out of his mouth. I draw the line there. Ginger eats her own shit. Lately she’s in to eating her frozen turds in the snow. Do you suppose it’s similar to putting Milky Ways in the freezer—I mean in a dog sort of way?

From: Ms. Moon
Sent: Friday, December 13, 2013 9:33 AM
Subject: Re: Lordy, you are all are cold this morning.

Thanks for the heads-up. (haha!)

-----Original Message-----
From: ugadawg1
To: Ms. Moon
Sent: Fri, Dec 13, 2013 9:30 am
Subject: Re: Lordy, you are all are cold this morning.

I’m sort of with him on that. I love Reddi Whip--straight out of the damn nozzle. The cats dig it too. I let them lick the nozzle and then serve Reddi Whip to unsuspecting guests. It amuses me because I think cats are really clean (despite licking their asses), and I eat after them myself.