Monday, February 17, 2014

Cross-Car Guy

I wish I had a damn picture, quite frankly. 

Near the Wal-Mart at lunch I passed Cross-Car Guy. It’s this local guy who drives around with a nearly full-size wooden cross hanging out of his back car window. I shit you not. What a nutjob idiotic moronic motherfucker. Only in Ohio (or Florida). Maybe the cross helps weight his car down in the snow and ice. Let us hope! That would be about all it would ACTUALLY do. And also I imagine he’s cold driving around with the back window mostly down. ONE MUST SUFFER FOR JESUS!

Joe just told me that in the warmer months, Cross-Car Guy actually CARRIES the cross around town. I mean if he REALLY wanted to impress, he’d drag that shit through the snow and ice! Convenient Christian.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

An Exchange with My Idol, Ms. Moon.

Ms. M: Yesterday when we were in the Costco, they were giving out samples of Cookie Butter (have you heard of this?) spread on cookies. We tried it. It was as awesome as anything could be that has 90 calories per tablespoon. I told the lady handing it out that yes, it was delicious but I would not be buying any because I would take it home and eat the whole jar. She said, "Oh, I can control my eating of sweets. I can only eat so much before I just can't eat any more."
I looked at her and decided that either "so much" was an awful lot or else maybe it's pizza she can't stop eating. The little woman was as round as a door knob.

SB: The guy with the donuts keeps sending e-mails that say stuff like, “DONUTS DO NOT EAT THEMSELVES! GET OVER HERE.” He just wants everybody to wish his fat ass Happy Birthday. Yes, I am a tad cynical about the motivations of my fellow man.

NO, I have not heard of Cookie Butter, but Paula Deen probably came about a thousand times when she heard about it. That was hysterical about the lady. That needs to go on your blog, if it hasn’t already. By the way, it’s pizza I can’t stop eating. Oh, and cookies and cupcakes too. I’m lucky they didn’t bring in cupcakes for Bryan. I would have had to waddle over.

All the Fatties in the Office

All the fatties in the office (except for me) are running over to Bryan’s cube, because today is his birthday, and somebody brought in donuts to celebrate. It’s the only time anybody in this office moves fast.

There is no one more disgusted with obese Americans than I am. In fact, I disgust MYSELF. May I just state, though, that the photo above is NOT me? Thank you.

My Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

I LOVE Real Housewives and will happily discuss anytime. I watch all of them, even Lisa’s stupid knock-off show—Vanderpump Rules. Those kids are all such self-centered idiots. I watch it mainly just to bitch out loud about the young dolts on the screen. The cats sometimes get upset, because they think my raised voice means I am upset with them.
Carlton is a BIG oddball. I am sort of fascinated with her though. She certainly enjoys acting bisexual, but she pushes it so much, I’m not sure that it’s not just a sexy act for her husband. Her cleavage is nasty as fuck. I don’t know if she had a bad boob job or what. A bitch needs to cover that shit up! She'll probably put a spell on me for saying that.
Kyle looked so beautiful in the blue dress she wore to the combo birthday party in the show last night. Damn, what a figure! I can’t believe she’s had that many kids and looks that good still. I look fat and gross and I’ve had no kids. What’s my excuse?
Joyce has GREAT hair, so does Kyle, but she is so sickeningly sweet, I don’t buy it. It’s got to be an act.
I dig Kim. A bitch is just nutty as fuck. Talk about a dry drunk.
I sort of like Brandi, mainly because she amuses me, and because I HATE stupid Leanne Rimes. Leanne must eat herself up with jealousy over Brandi’s pretty face and gorgeous figure. Leanne will NEVER have a pretty face. EVER.
Yolanda would make the best friend of the lot. She is just very centered and calm and has a good philosophy about things. I really like her.

Don't you lazy bitches expect me to recap every episode of Real damn Housewives either! I don't have the time to explain what you  just saw to all of you. I have 8 cats, a geriatric dog, a full-time job, a house, and a Viking to take care of. DO THE WORK, MOTHERFUCKERS!