Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Shit SB Says to Her Darling Friend and Idol, Ms. Moon

The magnolias on the stairwell look swell! You are giving fucking Martha Stewart a run for her money, sister. I hate that bitch.

The Coolest University of Georgia Football Fan

We got Sam Jackson, motherfuckers. TOP THAT SHIT.

Back, but Not Fucking Back

I'm back, but I'm not back, because my ass is just not "with it" today. Weird dreams, peeps. The sort that leave you foggy and befuddled all damn day.

Thanks for all the comments and thank you to the handful of new followers I received over the long holiday weekend. I appreciate it more than you know, and I love my blog family. You motherfuckers know who you are.

I'll be back to posting more regularly as soon as my brain gets back to functioning at full capacity. My ass is just impaired today.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I'm Sorry, but I Think this Is Hysterical

I'll be laughing all damn day. I know it's kind of shitty of me to post this, after saluting the homeless man who returned the money he found in a prior post today, but whatever. If you want consistent behaviour, I'm probably not the blogger for you, so fuck you.

Link to story of befuddled pensioner losing life's savings on his car roof. Dumb ass.

Looks like the motherfucker won't be retiring for awhile now. I hope he likes decorating.

There Are Still a Few Decent People Left in this Cold World

Link to story: http://www.truecrimereport.com/2010/11/dave_talley_occupation_man_hom.php

Happy Rape of the Native Americans Day, Motherfuckers!

SB is taking a blog-cation beginning today until next Tuesday. MY ASS IS NOT GOING NEAR A DAMN COMPUTER UNTIL THEN. I'd like to wish all you motherfuckers a very Happy Thanksgiving (unless you live somewhere besides the States--although that would give you something to REALLY be thankful for, now wouldn't it?).

Here are my posts for Thanksgiving last year. A BITCH IS RECYCLING!

Shit SB Says on the Day Before Thanksgiving

Would it be better to commit suicide or to stop by Kroger on the way home from work tonight? It's a toss up. All I have to do is pick up a few bottles of wine. If the lines are long, I'll grab an extra bottle and drink it while I'm waiting. I'll buy an extra cork-pull and a box of straws in case.

[Note for my UK friends: Kroger is our supermarket chain, like a Sainsbury's.]

Pass the Tomatoes, Motherfuckers

It's that time of year again, motherfuckers. My Indian blood is once again at war with my white-ass cracker blood. Only part of me can enjoy this time of year, because the other (Native American) part realizes that, despite the fact that my people helped whitey to survive in the New World, whitey turned around and fucked us in the ass by pillaging our land, raping our women, ravaging our tribes with disease, and basically shoving liquor and worthless land at us. As you can imagine, It's hard to enjoy the fucking turkey when this omnipresent second perspective is involved. Sometimes [Northern Exposure fans], I'd like to throw a tomato at my damnself.

[The Thanksgiving holiday and what whitey was ACTUALLY saying.] "Thank you for helping our cracker asses to survive in the New World. We couldn't have done it without you teaching us about how to grow corn and shit. In apology for building strip malls on the sacred land on which your elders are buried, here's some liquor and a reservation for you to enjoy. No--not a dinner reservation--an actual place called a reservation for your Tonto ass to call home. Oh, and should we find valuable minerals or oil on your land, we might appropriate that land, too, (our government gives us the right after all) and just move your inconvenient no-job alcoholic asses to a new reservation. But, thanks again for helping us make it here. We appreciate hell out of it. We really do."

I hope I can keep my turkey down this year. Pass the tomatoes, would you?

Monday, November 22, 2010

SB Is in a Grouchy Shitty Motherfucking Mood

For this reason, I may not be posting dick today. Gray Mondays suck ass.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Welcome Visitor from Rotterdam Who Is Wanking Off to My Blog

Welcome visitor from Rotterdam who is wanking off to my photos of Coco and her big fat ass! I am so glad to perform some sort of public service while entertaining the masses. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COME BACK AND JERK OFF AGAIN!

Another Quote from John Irving

"And the thing about love," Wally said to Angel, "is that you can’t force anyone. It’s natural to want someone you love to do what you want, or what you think would be good for them, but you have to let everything happen to them. You can’t interfere with people you love any more than you’re supposed to interfere with people you don’t even know. And that’s hard,” he added, “because you often feel like interfering - you want to be the one who makes the plans.

“It’s hard to want to protect someone else, and not be able to,” Angel pointed out.

“You can’t protect people, kiddo,” Wally said. “All you can do is love them."

Quotes of the Damn Day: John Irving on Religion and God

Religious freedom should work two ways: we should be free to practice the religion of our choice, but we must also be free from having someone else's religion practiced on us.

It's not god who's fucked up, it's the screamers who say they believe in him and who claim to pursue their ends in his holy name.

Note: I've often wished John Irving was God. I think the world would be a lot kinder, saner place.

Shit SB Says to Her Beautiful Idol Ms. Moon

I guess I'll have to come to Florida to hang with some virgins. We don't have any here in Ohio. When you live in a boring state, all there is to do is eat out and fuck.

Okay, that was crude. So shoot me.

Shit SB Says to a Co-Worker

When we went to Bob Evans the other night, we got there kind of late, and a van load of retarded adults got out and started going in ahead of us. There were about eight of those motherfuckers, and it was TOTAL CHAOS. I said to the Viking: Oh great, clearly God loves us, when one lady started screaming at one of the aids and one poor hapless motherfucker got wedged between the entry door, trying to open it for the others. Of course, during all the chaos, we took the opportunity to cut ahead of them in line.

Shit Uncle Gene Says When Asked What He Wants for His Upcoming 81st Birthday

I want to be alive.

While Waiting to Get My Tits Jammed in a Vice

While I was waiting for my mammogram yesterday, I sat and stared out the window into the parking lot of the hospital below. I watched a lot of decrepit oldsters struggling to walk to and from their cars and several REALLY FAT people struggle just to exit their automobiles. It took one fat middle-aged fuck nearly five minutes just to hoist his fat double-wide ass out of the seat and stand up. It really sent me a message that I need to clean up my damn act, so that if I am blessed (sarcasm) to live long enough, I don't wind up an embarrassing fat struggling blob.

I have a diet book (I know it's fruitless and futile, but shut the fuck up) shipping (one-day ship) to my fat ass today. I ordered that shit off Amazon, in a panic, after the soul-chilling hospital experience. Also, I should mention that the damn Viking is a fucking 6 foot 4 stick man, who happens to be built like a high school basketball player (the Moms and Daddums fondly refer to him as "String Bean"), and I don't want people to laugh because he dates a fatty.

Bonding with Puppine

I'm not sleeping as well as I might of late, due to the fact that Teeny Weeny Puppini has taken to crawling up and sleeping on the side of my head several times each night. After she stops purring and fall asleep, her little body shudders over and over again, as if she is in the Garden of Earthly Delights or some damn shit. What sort of asshole would a hardened callous motherfucker have to be to to wake up a bitch who is dreaming her ass is in the Garden of Earthly Delights? I just don't have it in me. I should probably go back to taking Ambien again. When I take that shit, a dump truck could park on my head, and I wouldn't know it.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

A Catch-All Apology that Covers EVERY Situation

I'm sorry. I don't remember doing that. I was drunk.

Try it out! You're welcome, motherfuckers.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Shit SB Says to the Moms

I think I got my new foundation shade too light. I look like I belong in Noh theater or some shit.

More Shit SB Says in Comments on My New Friend Danny's Site

I love your programme idea. I'd watch it, man. I once had an idea for a Manson Family Thanksgiving programme. Instead of carving the turkey, Manson would carve swastikas on the guests' foreheads. What do you think?

[Note to the short-bus Americans who read my crap: Programme is the proper was to spell the word program. It refers to a TV show in this case.]

Danny's eclectic site (SB recommended, motherfuckers!):

Shit SB Says in Comments to a Dear Friend

That's exciting about hanging out with the Ghost Adventures cast. The paranormal fascinates me. I watch a lot of those types of shows. I have even experienced a few minor things myself (my house is very old), but maybe I was just drunk.

Having a Fight with a Dickless Wonder Over at Anna's Blog

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

And, if fat people have to stick together, I think peanut-sized nutsacks should have to hang together, too. Your challenge is to go and find that group.

November 17, 2010 8:55 AM

A Most Perplexing Question to Ponder

Why is it that the fattest motherfuckers drive the smallest fucking cars?

[Bet my ass the guy in the post below drives a damn Speck. Is it some sort of strange natural law of attraction: people + fat = inordinately small automobiles? It takes nearly a yogic miracle for one of the fat guys here at work just to exit his damn car. Of course I have to watch. You would, too, and you DAMN WELL know it! That shit is a marvel.]

If any of you geniuses can answer this shit, leave it in the comments.

NEW SB Feature! If I Could Do that Shit All Over Again (or Life Tips for You Ingrateful Young Useless Fucks)

Fuck more (but wear a damn condom, you dumb little bastards) while you still have the energy and no beer gut, hangy skin, or saggy damn titties. I enjoy running around naked now, but no one wants to see that shit [at least no one who wants to keep their eyesight].

You're welcome.

Dude Is Having One Motherfucker of a Night

We've all been there, so don't be judging this poor dolt, you lofty-ass motherfuckers. You know you've been in similar circumstances, and your ass just got lucky. The pigs (make that any authority figure) make SB's ass nervous, so it COULD HAVE happened to moi. Point is, we're not here to judge. Let's leave that shit to the tight-sphinctered tea partiers. Those motherfuckers wouldn't know how to REALLY throw it up if they tried.

Stankin' drunk-ass video dude may be one short bus motherfucker, but at least he knows how to throw it up! Throw it up, motherfuckers. Throw it up! [To quote Lil' Jon. SB is a FAN, Lil' Jon. Throw that shit up!]

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

An SB Beauty Tip for Bitches of a Certain Age

Remember girls, a really tight ponytail can also serve as a cheap instant face lift.

You're welcome, bitches!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Shit SB Says in Reply to Her Idol, Ms. Moon

There is nothing so ridiculous or embarrassing as Americans on vacation.

Friday, November 12, 2010

More Shit SB Says on the Telephone at Work to the Ex-Husband

I will be happy to donate, as long as your promise you won't try and convert the pygmies. You know I don't go for that shit. Don't be Bible-thumping the damn pygmies. They have enough problems. Bitches are so remote, they can't even get a decent haircut.

Unless You are Bo Derek or Jamaican, You CANNOT Carry this Hairdo Off, So Don't Even Try Dumb Ass

The poor kids--with genetics like that--they are NEVER going to stand a chance at being cool. If you don't believe my ass, look at the dork in the middle.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Shit SB Says to a Co-Worker

Did your dumb ass come out here to destroy my equanimity? I work hard for that shit.

Mercer Says Good Afternoon to All You Motherfuckers

Actually, she says FUCK YOU (unless your dumb ass has a snack for her).

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Quote of the Damn Day: Robert Downey Jr.

But as long as I don't forget the past, I'm cool. One must always be mindful, just like you might forget that old girlfriend who tried to slit your throat, but she's really still hot. If you remember the stitches more than you remember the pussy, you're going to be just fine.

Go. See. It.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I Just Like the Damn Photo, Okay?

This shit just screams TENDERNESS or LUNCH, perhaps?

Shit SB Says in Comments to Her Dear Friend, Jeannie

If you locate your penis, please let me know where. Maybe then I can find my own. I've always wanted one. I've been marrying them, but that just causes too much damn trouble.

Jeannie's fantabulous blog: http://mytwocents2.blogspot.com/

Conversation with a Co-Worker

You know the Cleveland Browns have a pretty good team this year.

That's what I've heard, but I just can't wrap my mind around that. It's like George W. Bush suddenly becoming intelligent.

[Sorry Tom J.]

Monday, November 8, 2010

My Great Aunt's 80th Birthday Party

Over the weekend, the Moms and I drove our fat asses to Indianapolis, Indiana, to my Great Aunt's birthday party. Teta's ass made it to 80. Holy fuck! Of course, her ass proceeded to sleep through most of her own party, but the way I see it, it was HER DAMN PARTY, plus at 80, a bitch should be able to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, right? Are you with me, motherfuckers?

[I forgot to mention that on the drive over to Hoosierville, I nearly killed us in a cocksucking construction zone. I was trying to find a CD in my holder, and the Moms said: Let me find it. You are driving. So I says: No, I'd prefer to put both our lives in danger. And almost instantly, I started to drive off on the damn shoulder, and then had to try to use the steering wheel to right the fucking car, and it was a scary minute, let me tell you, good people. We almost took some sonofabitch in a Neon out in the next lane. I really only sweated injuring the Moms. I am never in a panic over my own life. I am a depressed person. I just don't have the damn energy.]

Teta got a little pissy when my sister tried to help her feisty ass open the gift we brought her. Bitch said: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, DEBBIE!

My Aunt is like a short little 80 year old Macedonian fireball. THOU SHALT NOT FUCK WITH HER! Do not. Try it.

Anyhoo, at one point during the damn fiesta, the Moms and I got trapped by this lady my Aunt worked with years ago in psychiatric nursing. Bitch was a nice enough lady, but BOY WAS HER ASS A CHATTY MOTHERFUCKER! Jesus Christ. I escaped, but the poor Moms was stuck for quite a damn while [I abandoned her ass. It's every man for himself when a chatty motherfucker comes around!]. It was like--Jesus Christ lady, take a damn breath. It's a wonder there was any oxygen left in the room for the rest of us.

My ass ambled over to the dining table at one point, where Teta was holding forth with a very old friend--a cute old gentleman--who said they had just diagnosed him with the Alzheimer's. He said: Oh well, what can you do? And that's right, goddammit--what IS a bitch to do? The way I see it, the old fucker had the right attitude.

Teta has the damn dementia, so her ass introduced the Moms and I and turned our names around. She also introduced me as the mother and the Moms as the daughter. I said: Shit, Teta, don't make me any damn older. Jesus.

The third lady at the table told us she was 82, and her ass was in pretty good shape for 82. Later though, my sister took us aside and said the old bitch was actually 81. What the fuck ever, I say. What does it matter when you're that fucking old if you want to add a damn year or two on? Go the fuck ahead. What's another damn year when your ass witnessed the Ice Age? Sometimes, I tell motherfuckers I'm 50, just so they'll say I look good for my age. It makes me feel better about myself. Fuck it.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Quote of the Damn Day: May Thigpen

It is easy to get disillusioned, but the more I thought about it this morning the more I clearly saw how people never see the affect they have on the world. All the people who got arrested to sit at lunch counters, or to love the ones they love, they were each one person in one moment in time. Did it make their lives better? No, it probably made their lives pretty shitty actually, but it makes our lives better. We would be letting them down if we gave up so easily.

[I hope it's okay that I posted this, May. I adore you! You are VERY WISE.]

Way to Go, Santa Ana Sphincter Police

"There was nothing they could do, of course, there was no suspect and no crime had been committed. The officer said 'what it is, is a string on a door.' My vision got blurry, I was embarrased and felt stupid for making the call. I took a deep breath and said 'Do you see any correlation between the fact that this is a gay office and there was a noose left on our door in the wake of all of these teen suicides?' The officer said, 'Sometimes you just have to live with being a victim,' and proceeded to mention that his car had been broken into before."

Link to full story about the sphincter police: http://blogs.ocweekly.com/navelgazing/2010/10/equality_california_noose_sant.php

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Shit SB Says in Comments to the Gorgeous Ms. Moon, Her Damn Idol

Wowsa. Now that's a compound! Can't see a damn thing wrong with it, except the mannequin. That shit gives me the creeps. That bitch would have to go! I wouldn't be able to come and visit until her ass went. I would be afraid to go to sleep. I have serious mannequin issues.

Quote of the Damn Day: the Inimitable Ms. Moon

I'll say this- money may not be able to buy you love but it can sure buy the fuck out of an election.

I'm not dead. I just wish I were.

I'm not dead. My damn laptop just came down with a handful of viruses (we all clean now), so I have a lot to catch the fuck up on. I'll be back to posting soonish.

Love to all my motherfuckers!