Back, but Not Fucking Back

I'm back, but I'm not back, because my ass is just not "with it" today. Weird dreams, peeps. The sort that leave you foggy and befuddled all damn day.

Thanks for all the comments and thank you to the handful of new followers I received over the long holiday weekend. I appreciate it more than you know, and I love my blog family. You motherfuckers know who you are.

I'll be back to posting more regularly as soon as my brain gets back to functioning at full capacity. My ass is just impaired today.

I'm Sorry, but I Think this Is Hysterical

I'll be laughing all damn day. I know it's kind of shitty of me to post this, after saluting the homeless man who returned the money he found in a prior post today, but whatever. If you want consistent behaviour, I'm probably not the blogger for you, so fuck you.

Link to story of befuddled pensioner losing life's savings on his car roof. Dumb ass.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1332644/Pensioner-loses-80-000-life-savings--leaving-cash-roof-car.html

Looks like the motherfucker won't be retiring for awhile now. I hope he likes decorating.

There Are Still a Few Decent People Left in this Cold World

Link to story: http://www.truecrimereport.com/2010/11/dave_talley_occupation_man_hom.php

Happy Rape of the Native Americans Day, Motherfuckers!

SB is taking a blog-cation beginning today until next Tuesday. MY ASS IS NOT GOING NEAR A DAMN COMPUTER UNTIL THEN. I'd like to wish all you motherfuckers a very Happy Thanksgiving (unless you live somewhere besides the States--although that would give you something to REALLY be thankful for, now wouldn't it?).

Here are my posts for Thanksgiving last year. A BITCH IS RECYCLING!

Shit SB Says on the Day Before Thanksgiving

Would it be better to commit suicide or to stop by Kroger on the way home from work tonight? It's a toss up. All I have to do is pick up a few bottles of wine. If the lines are long, I'll grab an extra bottle and drink it while I'm waiting. I'll buy an extra cork-pull and a box of straws in case.

[Note for my UK friends: Kroger is our supermarket chain, like a Sainsbury's.]

Pass the Tomatoes, Motherfuckers

It's that time of year again, motherfuckers. My Indian blood is once again at war with my white-ass cracker blood. Only part of me can enjoy this time of year, because the other (Native American) part realizes that, despite the fact that my people helped whitey to survive in the New World, whitey turned around and fucked us in the ass by pillaging our land, raping our women, ravaging our tribes with disease, and basically shoving liquor and worthless land at us. As you can imagine, It's hard to enjoy the fucking turkey when this omnipresent second perspective is involved. Sometimes [Northern Exposure fans], I'd like to throw a tomato at my damnself.

[The Thanksgiving holiday and what whitey was ACTUALLY saying.] "Thank you for helping our cracker asses to survive in the New World. We couldn't have done it without you teaching us about how to grow corn and shit. In apology for building strip malls on the sacred land on which your elders are buried, here's some liquor and a reservation for you to enjoy. No--not a dinner reservation--an actual place called a reservation for your Tonto ass to call home. Oh, and should we find valuable minerals or oil on your land, we might appropriate that land, too, (our government gives us the right after all) and just move your inconvenient no-job alcoholic asses to a new reservation. But, thanks again for helping us make it here. We appreciate hell out of it. We really do."

I hope I can keep my turkey down this year. Pass the tomatoes, would you?

SB Is in a Grouchy Shitty Motherfucking Mood

For this reason, I may not be posting dick today. Gray Mondays suck ass.

Welcome Visitor from Rotterdam Who Is Wanking Off to My Blog

Welcome visitor from Rotterdam who is wanking off to my photos of Coco and her big fat ass! I am so glad to perform some sort of public service while entertaining the masses. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COME BACK AND JERK OFF AGAIN!

Another Quote from John Irving

"And the thing about love," Wally said to Angel, "is that you can’t force anyone. It’s natural to want someone you love to do what you want, or what you think would be good for them, but you have to let everything happen to them. You can’t interfere with people you love any more than you’re supposed to interfere with people you don’t even know. And that’s hard,” he added, “because you often feel like interfering - you want to be the one who makes the plans.

“It’s hard to want to protect someone else, and not be able to,” Angel pointed out.

“You can’t protect people, kiddo,” Wally said. “All you can do is love them."

Quotes of the Damn Day: John Irving on Religion and God

Religious freedom should work two ways: we should be free to practice the religion of our choice, but we must also be free from having someone else's religion practiced on us.

It's not god who's fucked up, it's the screamers who say they believe in him and who claim to pursue their ends in his holy name.

Note: I've often wished John Irving was God. I think the world would be a lot kinder, saner place.

Shit SB Says to Her Beautiful Idol Ms. Moon

I guess I'll have to come to Florida to hang with some virgins. We don't have any here in Ohio. When you live in a boring state, all there is to do is eat out and fuck.

Okay, that was crude. So shoot me.

Shit SB Says to a Co-Worker

When we went to Bob Evans the other night, we got there kind of late, and a van load of retarded adults got out and started going in ahead of us. There were about eight of those motherfuckers, and it was TOTAL CHAOS. I said to the Viking: Oh great, clearly God loves us, when one lady started screaming at one of the aids and one poor hapless motherfucker got wedged between the entry door, trying to open it for the others. Of course, during all the chaos, we took the opportunity to cut ahead of them in line.

Shit Uncle Gene Says When Asked What He Wants for His Upcoming 81st Birthday

I want to be alive.

While Waiting to Get My Tits Jammed in a Vice

While I was waiting for my mammogram yesterday, I sat and stared out the window into the parking lot of the hospital below. I watched a lot of decrepit oldsters struggling to walk to and from their cars and several REALLY FAT people struggle just to exit their automobiles. It took one fat middle-aged fuck nearly five minutes just to hoist his fat double-wide ass out of the seat and stand up. It really sent me a message that I need to clean up my damn act, so that if I am blessed (sarcasm) to live long enough, I don't wind up an embarrassing fat struggling blob.

I have a diet book (I know it's fruitless and futile, but shut the fuck up) shipping (one-day ship) to my fat ass today. I ordered that shit off Amazon, in a panic, after the soul-chilling hospital experience. Also, I should mention that the damn Viking is a fucking 6 foot 4 stick man, who happens to be built like a high school basketball player (the Moms and Daddums fondly refer to him as "String Bean"), and I don't want people to laugh because he dates a fatty.

Bonding with Puppine

I'm not sleeping as well as I might of late, due to the fact that Teeny Weeny Puppini has taken to crawling up and sleeping on the side of my head several times each night. After she stops purring and fall asleep, her little body shudders over and over again, as if she is in the Garden of Earthly Delights or some damn shit. What sort of asshole would a hardened callous motherfucker have to be to to wake up a bitch who is dreaming her ass is in the Garden of Earthly Delights? I just don't have it in me. I should probably go back to taking Ambien again. When I take that shit, a dump truck could park on my head, and I wouldn't know it.

A Catch-All Apology that Covers EVERY Situation

I'm sorry. I don't remember doing that. I was drunk.

Try it out! You're welcome, motherfuckers.

Shit SB Says to the Moms

I think I got my new foundation shade too light. I look like I belong in Noh theater or some shit.