The Morning Report: Some Dumb Cunt Was Driving Erratically in the Cocksucking Passing Lane

On the way back from picking up over-priced coffee this morning, I get behind some dumb whore who is driving very erratically. Bitch is in the passing lane and keeps getting caught behind the stopping school bus in the slow lane, because she is moving so fucking slow. So my ass risks my neck and speeds up behind the school bus and zooms over in front of her to pass her short-bus ass, only to find out that the stupid cunt is putting eyeliner on in her pull-down mirror. I thought momentarily about following her to her destination and beating the shit out of her, but settled for a dirty look instead. Dumb cunt. If looks could kill, a ho would be dead and buried.

[Sorry about the increased usage of the word cunt--actually I'm not sorry--it is my goal to work that word into conversation and descriptive phrases more often. I feel it's highly under-utilized.]

Ladies (and maybe some gentlemen),

If your mongoloid ass is going to put makeup on in the damn car, at least pull over in to the cock-sucking slow lane. Is this too fucking much to ask? I think not.

This Shit Made Me Laugh

Shit SB Says

I had a visitor from Israel and a visitor from Paris this morning. We're getting all continental and shit here at Sarcastic Bastard. Mais oui, motherfuckers!

Brain and the drive in to work this morning

I was driving down a stretch of road, next to an orchard, when VERY SUDDENLY, I notice a mother duck and about 10 ducklings, following her butt-close and starting across the road.

(Foggy) Brain says: Oh, how cute--ducklings crossing the road. You don't see that very often.

Then Brain says: Ducklings crossing THE ROAD. THE ROAD!

I hit my brakes with only about two feet to spare between my front tires and the last few ducklings in the lineup.

Brain sighs and says: FUCK ME. We're awake now.

Cousin Sheila sent me this. It made me laugh.

I thought you might appreciate this "encounter" from my optho rotation.

Patient reading the eye chart: "A...or maybe a P"

Optho dr: "Anything on this next line?"

Patient (dead serious): "I think it's a dragon."

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?

Richey Edwards.

Yvette Vickers and why beauty and a happy life are not synonymous.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1382937/Yvette-Vickers-Ex-Playboy-model-mummified-Beverly-Hills-home.html

Quote of the Damn Day

The quote below is from my hometown newspaper, The Savannah Morning News, the Vox Populi speak-up column. It made me laugh. I'm going to start referring to the Donald as Birther Trump now, too.

“Birther Trump said he will release his tax returns when Obama releases his full birth certificate. We’re waiting, Donald."

Quote of the Damn Day: Eddie Vedder

I'd like to be proud of my country. There are a lot of great people in this country and I meet people every day that I truly admire. But, on the other hand, there are also so many idiots in this country. We're one of the super powers, but what good does it do? We may have the biggest weapons, but sometimes I think the smallest brains control them.

Shit SB Says to the Viking

We're not single and we're not married. We're in Purgatory.

Kyrgyzstan, You Suck.

Bunch of assholes.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1382469/A-battle-bird-beast-The-chained-wolf-golden-eagle-fight-death-ancient-hunting-festival.html

It No Workee

When I'm drunk and the pigs pull me over and threaten to take my ass to jail for DUI, this is sometimes my response. It no workee.

What in Sam Fuckin' Hell?

EPIC chapeau FAIL.

The Royal Teeth?

The Sears Dental in the mall has a pretty low advertising budget, so you know this will be the new window ad for their teeth whitening services. In these tough economic times, a bitch needs to be frugal!

I Just Like the Damn Picture, Because I Find Karl Lagerfeld Scary, Okay?