I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I was in love with him years ago. Who wasn't?
Friday, May 27, 2011
A Request
Please don't show me any pictures on your cell phone. They are as tiny as shit and I'm old and my eyes don't work for dick. I cannot possibly tell what the fuck your grandkid looked like in line at preschool graduation. Besides the whole idea of preschool graduation is RETARDED. The little fucker's got at least 13 more years of schooling to go. I cannot possibly get excited this far in advance.
Thank you.
A Conversation with Puppine While Looking Out the Front Picture Window
Puppine, there goes a school bus, followed by a nursing home bus. How's that for irony? I'm glad we're not on either bus, Puppine. How about you?[Puppine licks her ass contemplatively.]
Quote of the Damn Day (on the idiotic Baby Food Diet)
This shit made SB laugh.
Adam Ant's HUMILIATION
It fucking happens, kids. Fuck you!
I'm not too far behind the motherfucker, and all you young high-and-mighty motherfuckers have it coming. BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY that I never thought I'd get old either, and here the once hot and sexy Adam Ant and I are, with poor goddamn eyesight. I tripped and fell over a chair just the other night (the fucking cats scattered everywhere in SHEER TERROR) and am limping about today. That shit is HUMILIATING. AND IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU, YOU YOUNG SNOTTY LITTLE SONOFABITCHES. JUST YOU WAIT! HEAR ME NOW, BELIEVE ME LATER. Some young, buff dude (like the guy in the photo above) will have to come along and help your geriatric fat ass up. And the young guy will be thinking something like: Jesus Christ, I hope I'm never a big goddamn helpless mess like your old fat wrinkly ass. [And that young man will one day be in for a rude damn awakening. And God will laugh, because he's evil like that, and he likes playing humiliating jokes on human beings.]
Link to MORE humiliating pictures of Adam's shoddy reckoning with gravity:
If Ever Two People Deserved the Death Penalty
Maybe that corrupt asshole Rick Scott can cut some more social service jobs so that more of this can occur. Fucker.
If you want to know why Americans are hated
. . . .watch The Real Housewives of New York (and try to catch the first episode that aired last night--shouldn't be hard--Bravo repeats fucking EVERYTHING). For the next three weeks, these dumb rude spoiled rich cunts are vacationing together in Morocco, and I have never seen such fuckery in my life. You can actually watch the wait staff's faces and tell they are thinking something along the lines of stupid asshole Americans.
It's a must-damn-see and a can't-look-away, like a bad car accident. It's totally appalling and it's a FREE-FALL-FUCK-ALL, cause I am into rapping today motherfuckers.
Snoop Bastard
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
There is a smoking section in the depths OF HELL.
Clearly, this sign was unfinished.
[Actually, that's where the politicians would like to send all smokers. Bunch of persecuting freedom-hating fucks.]
Another Useless Fucking Sign that Made SB Laugh Out Loud at Fucking Work, Which Was Not Cool
The Japanese fuck English up so charmingly.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Fat or Skinny, I'd Still Hit this Shit
I think it's charming as fuck how Russell's grumpy ass is waving at us all cute-like. It's just impossible to believe that this dear man ever threw a phone at anyone.
Russell, call moi! We could hang out and eat fattening shit and smoke and knock back some beers.
I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?
Zach has to fight the bitches off. Motherfucker can't help it. Some guys just have THE MOJO.
Shit SB Says to the Viking While Watching the Oprah Winfrey Tribute
Madge (Madonna) cracks me up. It's supposed to be a damn tribute to Oprah, and Madge has said I or me about thirty-five times in her three-minute speech. That old queen is so self-centered.
[Later, when Diane Sawyer told Oprah they were going to plant a fuckload of oak trees across the nation in her honor. . . .]
You just know Madge is going to come back out and give a speech about how those oak trees remind her of herself because the trees are so strong and proud or some bullshit.
Monday, May 23, 2011
One Bewildered Idiot
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1389727/Rapture-Baffled-believers-face-jeers.html
I cleaned the house on Saturday to R.E.M.'s The End of the World as We Know It. If it was the end of the world, I was determined to be jolly about it.
Friday, May 20, 2011
I Just Like the Damn Picture, Okay?
No, it's not Sarah Jessica Parker--it's Crystal, that simian bitch from the Hangover II. SB's whole family is going to see that shit opening weekend. WE LOVE THE HANGOVER.Don't be jealous of Crystal because she's beautiful. You can't touch a bitch wearing a stunning outfit like that shit, AND YOU KNOW IT! Even if you put your Manolo's on, a bitch will still rock that dress better than you.
Conversation with the Boss While Developing a New Company Web Site
Do you mind if I add a Cat Lover's forum to the Web site?
Wha?????????????
Shit SB Says to a Co-Worker
Did you see that police car out in the parking lot this morning that had This car was paid for entirely with drug money on the trunk? I felt proud. Not only do I pay my share of taxes, but I help provide equipment to law enforcement. I feel civic pride, man.
HA HA HA HA HA HA!
This made me laugh with OVERWHELMING and ABANDONED glee. I hate lawyers (except for White Rabbit--he gets full immunity).
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Thanks A Lot to My Blog Family for All of Your Comments
Due to work obligations, I simply don't have time to respond individually to the comments I have received of late. I thank you for your patience with me. It may be this way for awhile. It will be all I can do to post occasionally and to get around to your blogs once in awhile.
Love,
SB
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Uhhhhmmmm, Okay.
Men like women with long hair. They get smitten by it and get feverish. Also men are particular about the physical appearance of how a woman looks. They are generally attracted to women slightly shorter than them with a body mass equal to or shorter than them.
Tears Over PEARL!/Delight, Compliments of Puppine
I am having A LOT of trouble getting out of bed this week so far. I mean, I always have a bitch of a time in the mornings, but it's even worse this week, because I don't like what I'm doing here at work.
For some reason, I always think about those who are gone in the morning and upset myself. Sometimes, I even talk to the dead and catch them up on things. [Thank God, they do NOT answer back. I'm not crazy, motherfuckers, just warped.] This morning, of course, I started to cry about PEARL!. I don't for one minute think that the Moons made the wrong decision. They ABSOLUTELY did the right thing, but old age and death just hits me hard in the morning, maybe because I sit there and feel sorry for myself.
I sat at my little breakfast table by the window this morning and looked out on YET ANOTHER rainy damn day here in Ohio (we've had about two fully sunny days in the past month or maybe longer), and it's really starting to get to me. I have been diagnosed with SAD anyway. My depression is very linked to lack of sunlight. I am struggling.
Anyhoo, I sat and sipped my wonderful Starbucks French Roast coffee and decided to crack the window in order to try and bribe Puppine (my favorite cat) to come and sit with me. It worked almost immediately, and Puppine jumped up on the table and stuck her tiny black head under the window, sniffing at the fresh morning air. Actually, the plan worked too damn well, and two of my other cats jumped up on either side of Puppine. Then, tiny Puppine (she is the smallest and FIERCEST of the lot) began growling and slapping the bitches on either side of her. IT WAS SO GREAT! Laugh. She took out the biggest cat I have. She slapped that motherfucker down off the table! I love when a tiny bitch has attitude like that. It cheered me up immensely. [Sometimes, Puppine even growls and slaps at me. CAN I TELL YOU HOW THRILLING THAT IS? Well it is, so fuck you. You don't know until you've experienced it.]
Not to sound like a damn cat lady, but I don't know what I'd do in the mornings without my cats. They give me something to focus on besides the depression.
What cheers you up when you are down or suicidal?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Light a Candle for PEARL!, Motherfuckers
Quote of the Damn Day: George Michael
[FACT] SB is George Michael's BIGGEST American fan.
I have a serious problem with the fact that every time I made a mistake and everytime I let myself down that I was letting young gay kids down. Because they would then witness the homophobia that was thrown me and the language that we use in this country.
I like to think that life is a balance, whenever there is something bad, there is something good you can do with it. I have some plans to do things to help gay children.
I think we are notoriously bad as a community at helping our own when it comes to children, because we don’t have our own children.
The Neighbor from HELL's Fucking Cell Phone Woke My Ass Up at 5:30 this Morning. Cunt.
Since it is warm here in Buttfuck-fucking-Ohio, I slept with the window over my bed, open, last night. I customarily drag my fat ass out of bed slightly before seven in the a.m. But this fuckingmorning, my ass was awakened by a strange sound that I, at first, thought might be a damn car alarm. Then, I, HATER OF CELL PHONES, realized that it was some sort of phone alarm.
Fucker proceeded to go off about every 10 minutes, so there was NO WAY IN HELL my ass was going to be able to go back to fucking Dreamland. After awhile, the tone on the cocksucker switched to a different, but equally LOUD, tone and then finally to screaming MONSTER TRUCK! (I shit you not) in an annoying electronic voice.
At this point, my highly grouchy and annoyed fat ass proceeded downstairs, and on the front porch underneath my bedroom window, is a pair of dirty-as-fuck jeans, and I figure out that the sound is coming from the offensive jeans. I momentarily considering retrieving the phone from the pocket of the pants and smashing shit out of it with a hammer, but since the jeans looked like somebody had maybe taken a crap in them, I decided fairly prudently, I think, NOT to.
Later in the morning, as I am getting ready to leave for work, I notice that the pants are gone and that the kids are sitting on the front step, waiting for the school bus.
As I'm walking to my car, I ask the kids if somebody had a phone with an alarm on the front porch last night. I told them that it had awakened me at 5:30. The little girl said: Mom played sand volleyball last night and took her pants off on the front porch and must have left her cell phone in the pocket.
At this point, SB thinks several things. 1) I think that I don't even want to IMAGINE the cunt next door's fat ass taking her jeans off on the front porch. SWEET JESUS. 2) I wonder WHY IN HELL the dumb fat bitch has her alarm set for 5:30 a.m., when her ass is jobless and on the welfare. 3) I decide firmly that if it happens again, said cell phone is going to get thrown in the street. I'm damn serious. We have a lot of passing dump trucks early in the morning on our street. I may even sit on the curb with a coffee and wait for the destruction to ensue. It would be symbolic for what I'd like to do to the cunt next door.
SB adores Hugh Grant. Motherfucker has his priorities straight.
Hugh and I are similar [shallow lazy party] animals. Evidently, he was in talks to replace Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men, but backed out at the last minute. It is said that he decided that a TV series would be too much work. Laugh. I understand they offered him a million dollars per episode. I don't blame him a goddamn bit. But I have to say, Hugh would have been perfect for the show. I would have even started watching the series regularly, and I almost NEVER watch any network television.
Monday, May 16, 2011
I found this to be very interesting reading.
“If you were to ask me if Eric Bellucci was going to end up in the mess he ended up in? I would say never in a million years.”
Increasing Work Responsibilities and the Future of this Site
Stupidly, I volunteered for a few new duties here at work (Job security, people! A bitch has to feed her seven cats!), so I'm just letting my blog family know that I may not be around as much as previously. I'm also investigating and getting up to speed on some new inter-active training software, and this THRILLS ME TO THE BONE, I can tell you. As an English major, technology just THRILLS ME TO THE DAMN BONE!
While I sort of promise you that this magnificent blog will NEVER die (though I'm sure MANY wish to hell it would), postings will likely be less frequent, and I may not be able to visit my blog family's sites as often as I did before. I promise not to lose touch though.
I love all of you. And you know who the hell you are.
Happy fucking Monday.
SB
Friday, May 13, 2011
Not Too Damn Bad for 73 Years Old
[Note: If you have something nasty to say about Jane, PISS OFF. She's already apologized about 1,000 fucking times for her activism during Vietnam. Get over it. We are not starting a political debate in the comments section, because I could give a fuck.]I admire Jane as a business woman and as a feminist. I also think she is one of the finest actors of all time.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Bitch looks like a bad tranny.
There are many transsexual persons who I admire for their outstanding beauty, Beyonce's ass is not one of them.
Shit SB Says While Discussing The Wizard of Oz
Clearly, Dorothy had a near-death experience. And those blue flying simians still freak me the fuck out.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Lovely Sarah of Misfits Vintage Sent Me This. It Made SB Laugh.
Thank you, Sarah, you lovely woman, you!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
The white guy in the tiny shorts in this video GROSSES ME THE FUCK OUT.
How to power walk, in case you're a goddamn idiot and can't figure that shit out. Just walk like a damn chicken. You're welcome!
And also, the black guy should NOT be power-walking ANY FUCKING WHERE. Look at the goddamn calves on the motherfucker. My damn forearms are bigger around than his calves. GIVE THE DUDE A SANDWICH RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
As to tiny shorts guy, I don't give care how fit you are, I don't want to see that much of your fitness. AT ALL. It's fucking GROSS.
This fucker is unbelievable. When will he die (to borrow Morrissey's phrase)?
Party at my house when Mr. Potter kicks the bucket!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Paul Haggis vs. the Church of Scientology
On August 19, 2009, Tommy Davis, the chief spokesperson for the Church of Scientology International, received a letter from the film director and screenwriter Paul Haggis. “For ten months now I have been writing to ask you to make a public statement denouncing the actions of the Church of Scientology of San Diego,” Haggis wrote. Before the 2008 elections, a staff member at Scientology’s San Diego church had signed its name to an online petition supporting Proposition 8, which asserted that the State of California should sanction marriage only “between a man and a woman.” The proposition passed. As Haggis saw it, the San Diego church’s “public sponsorship of Proposition 8, which succeeded in taking away the civil rights of gay and lesbian citizens of California—rights that were granted them by the Supreme Court of our state—is a stain on the integrity of our organization and a stain on us personally. Our public association with that hate-filled legislation shames us.” Haggis wrote, “Silence is consent, Tommy. I refuse to consent.” He concluded, “I hereby resign my membership in the Church of Scientology.
Read more http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/02/14/110214fa_fact_wright#ixzz1LaeOARUa
Read more http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/02/14/110214fa_fact_wright#ixzz1LaeOARUa
SB Digs the Hams!
Who doesn't love ham, goddammit?
Eight-year-old Madison said she tells her friends, ‘I'm lucky. I have two dads who love me.’
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Shit SB Says in Comments to Her Dear Friend, Sarah
I'm sorry but you'll likely never get a parcel from me, not because I'm parsimonious, but because I FEAR the post office over here in America. Seriously. I avoid that shit like the damn plague. I'm afraid if I go in, I might never come out again. You'd have to experience it.
And also, the postal workers are SCARY.
More on Yvette Vickers
Not to be mean, but I sort of doubt anybody was stalking her. I wouldn't want to hit this shit with the lights off, personally. Okay, maybe I'd fuck her if she'd let me live in the COOLEST-HOUSE-EVER with her. Seriously, I like it THAT much.
I just want her house, and I don't care if there was a fucking mummified corpse in it or not.
SB would still live there happily.
I'm slightly obsessed with this story. I cannot lie. I could give two shits about Bin Laden's assassination. I want more Yvette coverage!
My brother, Hank, will get the grandeur of this house. It's the shit.
The Morning Report: Some Dumb Cunt Was Driving Erratically in the Cocksucking Passing Lane
On the way back from picking up over-priced coffee this morning, I get behind some dumb whore who is driving very erratically. Bitch is in the passing lane and keeps getting caught behind the stopping school bus in the slow lane, because she is moving so fucking slow. So my ass risks my neck and speeds up behind the school bus and zooms over in front of her to pass her short-bus ass, only to find out that the stupid cunt is putting eyeliner on in her pull-down mirror. I thought momentarily about following her to her destination and beating the shit out of her, but settled for a dirty look instead. Dumb cunt. If looks could kill, a ho would be dead and buried.
[Sorry about the increased usage of the word cunt--actually I'm not sorry--it is my goal to work that word into conversation and descriptive phrases more often. I feel it's highly under-utilized.]
Ladies (and maybe some gentlemen),
If your mongoloid ass is going to put makeup on in the damn car, at least pull over in to the cock-sucking slow lane. Is this too fucking much to ask? I think not.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Shit SB Says
I had a visitor from Israel and a visitor from Paris this morning. We're getting all continental and shit here at Sarcastic Bastard. Mais oui, motherfuckers!
Brain and the drive in to work this morning
I was driving down a stretch of road, next to an orchard, when VERY SUDDENLY, I notice a mother duck and about 10 ducklings, following her butt-close and starting across the road.
(Foggy) Brain says: Oh, how cute--ducklings crossing the road. You don't see that very often.
Then Brain says: Ducklings crossing THE ROAD. THE ROAD!
I hit my brakes with only about two feet to spare between my front tires and the last few ducklings in the lineup.
Brain sighs and says: FUCK ME. We're awake now.
Cousin Sheila sent me this. It made me laugh.
I thought you might appreciate this "encounter" from my optho rotation.
Patient reading the eye chart: "A...or maybe a P"
Optho dr: "Anything on this next line?"
Patient (dead serious): "I think it's a dragon."
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Quote of the Damn Day
The quote below is from my hometown newspaper, The Savannah Morning News, the Vox Populi speak-up column. It made me laugh. I'm going to start referring to the Donald as Birther Trump now, too.
“Birther Trump said he will release his tax returns when Obama releases his full birth certificate. We’re waiting, Donald."
Monday, May 2, 2011
Quote of the Damn Day: Eddie Vedder
I'd like to be proud of my country. There are a lot of great people in this country and I meet people every day that I truly admire. But, on the other hand, there are also so many idiots in this country. We're one of the super powers, but what good does it do? We may have the biggest weapons, but sometimes I think the smallest brains control them.
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