Tuesday, January 4, 2011

SB Is on a Garlic Baloney and American Cheese on Wonderbread Diet

My fat ass is on a diet. I found out over the holiday that I weigh more than the my stringbean boyfriend, the Viking. [Note to you bastards who read my crap: At first, the Moms and Daddums couldn't remember the Viking's Christian name, so they kept calling his scrawny 6'4" ass, Stringbean. It sort of stuck, much to his ire and dis-fucking-may.]

Anyhoo, when I was married to my ex, I dropped a shitload of weight after he found out how sky-high I had maxed out my personal charge accounts when I lost my job (yeah, it was a banner fucking year), so all our poor asses could afford was baloney and American cheese with Heinz Ketchup ONLY on white. Also, he was yelling at me a lot, and I was so upset, I dropped 40 cocksucking pounds, due to the fact that I couldn't stomach anything but a cheap beer and a daily baloney and cheese sandwich and a banana. I know this isn't a healthy lifestyle choice, but then neither is my regular diet, so FUCK YOU IN ADVANCE to all you damn naysayers. Kiss my fat fucking ass, that hopefully is about to be a whole lot thinner. Remember, it's not healthy to be a fat ass either. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALL YOU WELL-INTENTIONED DO-GOODER ASSHOLES.

It was either the baloney and cheese diet or my idol John Daly (the golfers's) diet, which consists of all the Miller Lite you can drink and steak ONLY. I seriously contemplated it. And might I add, Mr. Daly lost a SHITLOAD of weight when he did the diet. It's a diet a bitch can live with.


Steph(anie) said...

My uncle lost weight eating a can of chili and drinking one beer a day. I would starve, but whatever works...

Ms. Moon said...

You'll get no criticism from me, dear. I could do with a nice slice of American cheese right now.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

I'll keep it in mind in case the baloney and cheese thing doesn't work out. Thanks!

Ms. Moon,
You never criticize. You only adore. For that, I love you.

Jeannie said...

I didn't know baloney still existed! I haven't seen it at the store for years but then, I haven't looked. I'm not a snob - ok, yes I fucking am - but I always liked baloney (aka balogna here) - esp when you got it unsliced, sliced it thick with little cuts in the edges and fried for lunch. Now I'll have to look for it. I need to be on a diet too. My husband keeps coming home with bargain Christmas goodies though.
My husband is the opposite of your Viking. My parents always called him the Leprechaun because he was short, stocky and Irish.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

We spell balogna that way, too. I think I just fucked the spelling up. Whatever. It's the New Year, anything fucking goes. So says I.

I adore you! Fried balogna is GOOD.

The Leprechaun is FUNNY.

michelle said...

I would lean toward the steak and beer diet but I'd be up all night peeing.


Syd said...

I like the idea of working my scrawny ass to the bone on the boat and in the yard. Then I can eat things like pasta and feel good about it.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Dear SB, I eat tons of cheese. The best one to eat is unpasteurised Canadian cheddar as your body can deal with the fat much better.

I did India Knight's Idiot Proof Diet for two weeks ages ago before I went on holiday and lost so much weight The Actor thought I had an eating disorder! I can't stick to no carbs for long.

I have it on good authority that the model Gisele ONLY eats cheese! Love you xx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Me too!

Also I think you have the genetic predisposition to be thin, right? My Mom has a big ol' butt. I inherited it. I never stood a chance. Although I was so skinny in high school, Tami Web made fun of me.

Thanks for the tip on the Canadian cheese. I love cheese! I tried to be vegan once, and there was NO damn way.

Gisele must be really constipated.

Love to all,


Petit fleur said...

Go SB GO! I'm a rootin fer ya!

Kathleen Scott said...

My favorite diet was the wine diet. I substituted a (modest) glass of wine for dinner. Went to bed early & happy. And lost 10 lbs in 6 weeks.