My Cousin Chris and I Had the Most Retardational Drunken Fight in THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD over the Weekend (excerpt below)

SB: So, you mean you love unborn babies more than me?

CHRIS: YES!

SB: Let me get this straight--you love a fucking fetus more than me? I'm going home, goddammit!

A Conversation About Home Funerals and Cotton Balls

I've decided that if something happens to me before you go, I want a home funeral. You might have to shove some cotton balls or a tampon up my ass to prevent anal leakage though. It happens.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

Look it up, asshole.