Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Rape of the Native Americans Day, Motherfuckers!

SB is taking a blog-cation beginning today until next Tuesday. MY ASS IS NOT GOING NEAR A DAMN COMPUTER UNTIL THEN. I'd like to wish all you motherfuckers a very Happy Thanksgiving (unless you live somewhere besides the States--although that would give you something to REALLY be thankful for, now wouldn't it?).

Here are my posts for Thanksgiving last year. A BITCH IS RECYCLING!

Shit SB Says on the Day Before Thanksgiving

Would it be better to commit suicide or to stop by Kroger on the way home from work tonight? It's a toss up. All I have to do is pick up a few bottles of wine. If the lines are long, I'll grab an extra bottle and drink it while I'm waiting. I'll buy an extra cork-pull and a box of straws in case.

[Note for my UK friends: Kroger is our supermarket chain, like a Sainsbury's.]

Pass the Tomatoes, Motherfuckers

It's that time of year again, motherfuckers. My Indian blood is once again at war with my white-ass cracker blood. Only part of me can enjoy this time of year, because the other (Native American) part realizes that, despite the fact that my people helped whitey to survive in the New World, whitey turned around and fucked us in the ass by pillaging our land, raping our women, ravaging our tribes with disease, and basically shoving liquor and worthless land at us. As you can imagine, It's hard to enjoy the fucking turkey when this omnipresent second perspective is involved. Sometimes [Northern Exposure fans], I'd like to throw a tomato at my damnself.

[The Thanksgiving holiday and what whitey was ACTUALLY saying.] "Thank you for helping our cracker asses to survive in the New World. We couldn't have done it without you teaching us about how to grow corn and shit. In apology for building strip malls on the sacred land on which your elders are buried, here's some liquor and a reservation for you to enjoy. No--not a dinner reservation--an actual place called a reservation for your Tonto ass to call home. Oh, and should we find valuable minerals or oil on your land, we might appropriate that land, too, (our government gives us the right after all) and just move your inconvenient no-job alcoholic asses to a new reservation. But, thanks again for helping us make it here. We appreciate hell out of it. We really do."

I hope I can keep my turkey down this year. Pass the tomatoes, would you?

18 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

That is so perfect! May and I were just talking about this. "Squanto, because you showed us how to put a fish in our corn hill, we will invite you to a Thanksgiving dinner. Please bring some of that yummy game you are so good at getting. When we are all done eating, please go away or we will kill you."
I LOVE YOU MS. BASTARD BELOVED AND AM THANKFUL FOR YOUR WONDERFUL, UNIQUE, AND PRECIOUS PRESENCE HERE ON THIS EARTH! YOU MAKE LIFE SO MUCH BETTER!
Yes. I yelled that. On purpose.

Jeannie said...

Have a good one babe - whether or not you are thankful. It's ok - it won't be long before the Muslims kick up that the Day offends them and it will be scrapped.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

YOU MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH BETTER, TOO! I AM VERY THANKFUL FOR YOU!!!

You know I adore you. Thanks for taking the time to read me on such a busy day.

Love you.

warrior scout said...

thanks for the smile today...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Jeannie,
Thank you. I will do my damn best to have a good one.

Warrior Scout,
Happy to help. Nice to virtually meet you. Please come back often.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Happy gobble gobble. I particiapte in our Thanksgiv'r solely for the wine and the chance to tell the fandamily what I really think about things ;)

Wish me luck on crossing the border into your fine state on Black Friday. All the Canadian turds will be down in your land in droves, waiting to stampede for crap plastic Xmess gifts that were made in China.

Boy do North Americans ever know how to celebrate...

x

FrankandMary said...

I may just print this out and read it to various & sundry tomorrow.
Thanks. ~Mary

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Reeny,
I love you. Sorry I will miss you. Have a great damn time.

Love,

SB

Mary,
I would be SO honored, I can't tell you. Love you! Thanks for reading my crap.

SB

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Dearest SB, I loved this post, it really made me laugh. Love your ass too xx

Mel's Way or No Way said...

Happy Turkey day to you too! I know your ass won't be reading this until next week anyway but I did stop for wine on the way home (in the middle of an ice storm) and cracked the bottle as soon as I walked through the door. A and I toasted to you and send hugs. -Mel

mrs. miss alaineus said...

i remain thankful for your snark and finesse of using swears! everytime i cross 75 on the way to work i wave to the south in your general direction.


bottoms up!

xxalainaxx

Syd said...

I think that all of us whiteys are due our comeuppance one of these days. It will come at some point.

Petit fleur said...

My sentiments exactly.

And as far as I know I have no native blood. I just know fucked up shit when I see it.

Thankful for you.

Hope you didn't puke.
xo pf

FrankandMary said...

I did pass a few of these out Thursday...and then someone said:
Oh my God, are you going out with this guy?
You always pick people like this.

HAHAHAHAHAHA

Parabolic Muse said...

Criminee! (As my OK mom would say.) I would NEVER go to a Kroeger's later than a half hour after it opened. I'd live the hell without whatever sh*t they are sellin. Yes, suicide is probably better than standing there. Unless I was hard of olfactories, in which case I might be able to take it.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Christina,
I am always happy to make you laugh. I adore you!

Mel,
I am honored. I love you and A.!

Mrs. Miss A.,
That touches my heart. Love you tons.

Syd,
Moi aussi.

PF,
Hope it was a good holiday.

Mary,
I am honored and that was funny. Love you!

Parabolic Muse,
Thanks for all your comments, babe. You crack me up. Hope it was a good holiday for you.

Love to all,

SB

Steph(anie) said...

Just found this today -- I may have to print it out and read it at the table next Thanksgiving :)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Steph,
I am honored, buddy. Laugh.