My Great Aunt's 80th Birthday Party

Over the weekend, the Moms and I drove our fat asses to Indianapolis, Indiana, to my Great Aunt's birthday party. Teta's ass made it to 80. Holy fuck! Of course, her ass proceeded to sleep through most of her own party, but the way I see it, it was HER DAMN PARTY, plus at 80, a bitch should be able to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, right? Are you with me, motherfuckers?

[I forgot to mention that on the drive over to Hoosierville, I nearly killed us in a cocksucking construction zone. I was trying to find a CD in my holder, and the Moms said: Let me find it. You are driving. So I says: No, I'd prefer to put both our lives in danger. And almost instantly, I started to drive off on the damn shoulder, and then had to try to use the steering wheel to right the fucking car, and it was a scary minute, let me tell you, good people. We almost took some sonofabitch in a Neon out in the next lane. I really only sweated injuring the Moms. I am never in a panic over my own life. I am a depressed person. I just don't have the damn energy.]

Teta got a little pissy when my sister tried to help her feisty ass open the gift we brought her. Bitch said: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, DEBBIE!

My Aunt is like a short little 80 year old Macedonian fireball. THOU SHALT NOT FUCK WITH HER! Do not. Try it.

Anyhoo, at one point during the damn fiesta, the Moms and I got trapped by this lady my Aunt worked with years ago in psychiatric nursing. Bitch was a nice enough lady, but BOY WAS HER ASS A CHATTY MOTHERFUCKER! Jesus Christ. I escaped, but the poor Moms was stuck for quite a damn while [I abandoned her ass. It's every man for himself when a chatty motherfucker comes around!]. It was like--Jesus Christ lady, take a damn breath. It's a wonder there was any oxygen left in the room for the rest of us.

My ass ambled over to the dining table at one point, where Teta was holding forth with a very old friend--a cute old gentleman--who said they had just diagnosed him with the Alzheimer's. He said: Oh well, what can you do? And that's right, goddammit--what IS a bitch to do? The way I see it, the old fucker had the right attitude.

Teta has the damn dementia, so her ass introduced the Moms and I and turned our names around. She also introduced me as the mother and the Moms as the daughter. I said: Shit, Teta, don't make me any damn older. Jesus.

The third lady at the table told us she was 82, and her ass was in pretty good shape for 82. Later though, my sister took us aside and said the old bitch was actually 81. What the fuck ever, I say. What does it matter when you're that fucking old if you want to add a damn year or two on? Go the fuck ahead. What's another damn year when your ass witnessed the Ice Age? Sometimes, I tell motherfuckers I'm 50, just so they'll say I look good for my age. It makes me feel better about myself. Fuck it.