Monday, November 8, 2010

My Great Aunt's 80th Birthday Party

Over the weekend, the Moms and I drove our fat asses to Indianapolis, Indiana, to my Great Aunt's birthday party. Teta's ass made it to 80. Holy fuck! Of course, her ass proceeded to sleep through most of her own party, but the way I see it, it was HER DAMN PARTY, plus at 80, a bitch should be able to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, right? Are you with me, motherfuckers?

[I forgot to mention that on the drive over to Hoosierville, I nearly killed us in a cocksucking construction zone. I was trying to find a CD in my holder, and the Moms said: Let me find it. You are driving. So I says: No, I'd prefer to put both our lives in danger. And almost instantly, I started to drive off on the damn shoulder, and then had to try to use the steering wheel to right the fucking car, and it was a scary minute, let me tell you, good people. We almost took some sonofabitch in a Neon out in the next lane. I really only sweated injuring the Moms. I am never in a panic over my own life. I am a depressed person. I just don't have the damn energy.]

Teta got a little pissy when my sister tried to help her feisty ass open the gift we brought her. Bitch said: IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, DEBBIE!

My Aunt is like a short little 80 year old Macedonian fireball. THOU SHALT NOT FUCK WITH HER! Do not. Try it.

Anyhoo, at one point during the damn fiesta, the Moms and I got trapped by this lady my Aunt worked with years ago in psychiatric nursing. Bitch was a nice enough lady, but BOY WAS HER ASS A CHATTY MOTHERFUCKER! Jesus Christ. I escaped, but the poor Moms was stuck for quite a damn while [I abandoned her ass. It's every man for himself when a chatty motherfucker comes around!]. It was like--Jesus Christ lady, take a damn breath. It's a wonder there was any oxygen left in the room for the rest of us.

My ass ambled over to the dining table at one point, where Teta was holding forth with a very old friend--a cute old gentleman--who said they had just diagnosed him with the Alzheimer's. He said: Oh well, what can you do? And that's right, goddammit--what IS a bitch to do? The way I see it, the old fucker had the right attitude.

Teta has the damn dementia, so her ass introduced the Moms and I and turned our names around. She also introduced me as the mother and the Moms as the daughter. I said: Shit, Teta, don't make me any damn older. Jesus.

The third lady at the table told us she was 82, and her ass was in pretty good shape for 82. Later though, my sister took us aside and said the old bitch was actually 81. What the fuck ever, I say. What does it matter when you're that fucking old if you want to add a damn year or two on? Go the fuck ahead. What's another damn year when your ass witnessed the Ice Age? Sometimes, I tell motherfuckers I'm 50, just so they'll say I look good for my age. It makes me feel better about myself. Fuck it.


Ms. Moon said...

There are no words in the universe for me to tell you how much I love this post. Or you, either, for that matter.
Motherfucking genius.
So sayeth me.

Jeannie said...

This is so funny. My Mom is something like 89 this year and still in her own house. She still has it together or at least is no balmier than she ever was.

When my kids were little, they'd ask how old I was and I'd say 87. I look good for my age. They had no concept of age right?, so they believed it. So some lamebrain teacher decides to ask the kids how old their parents are - and my kids say I'm 87. The teacher got quite a laugh. I never understood women giving an age younger than what they were - cuz then they'd look bad for their age - who is going to call them on it? My SIL lied about her age - TO THE CUSTOMS DUDE AT THE US/CANADA BORDER WHILE HE WAS HOLDING HER PASSPORT!!! What a twit. She'd claimed her age as about 9 years younger.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
Thank you. I only entertain the notion (even momentarily) when you say it. You are my idol!

I adore you and your SIL. We would all have one hell of a grand time together. It's fun to fuck with the government. Love you so!

Sandra Moreano said...

What is about those Chatty Cathy's that drive me FUCKING crazy! It is noise pollution at its worst. I think they are afraid of the God Damm silence. Like it can hurt them.

Glad I can turn 100 next week. Born in 1910 a good year.

FrankandMary said...

I am MUCH more fond of pets & people over 75 than anyone or thing else. This post cheered me.

Bethany said...

wonderful post, how many times did you say ass? I think it was a record.
love your ass SB.

Mel's Way or No Way said...

After all my years with the elderly, I can totally see the whole scenario.

Happy you and the Moms survived. We would never have got to hear the Teta birthday story otherwise.

Steph(anie) said...

I'd like to hang with you.

Tatyanna (and Dorian too) said...

See, this is why we are Meant To Be. I mean, not in any kind of lesbian stalker way; just ya know, in a great-pissed-off-cynical-bastard-blogger-minds-think-alike way! Why? Because I wrote about Indiana today too. Being on either side of it, road trips are just an inevitability for us. Some ppl are just lucky (us) I guess.

And, I might add, in all sincerity, that your post is at least fifty-two times funnier than mine. I am ROFL right now after reading it twice :)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Happy damn Birthday, love! I wish you at least 100 more. Laugh.

If it cheered you, then I'm damn sure glad I wrote it. Love you.

And I love your ass!

Thanks. I adore you.

And I, you, babe.

I will read your post. Glad I made you laugh. You are loved.

The Wit Continuum said...

Sounds like a good ole time...

Thanks for the story...for all your stories...Always give me a laugh...

Syd said...

You know the older I get, the less I think that 80 is old. I hate this new perspective on age. It sucks.

Petit fleur said...

"I am never in a panic over my own life. I am a depressed person. I just don't have the damn energy."

That belongs in the quote hall of fame.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Dear SB, love, love, love your story! You crack me up. I'm so glad I don't drive, I would be shocking!|

My aunt was also a psychiatric nurse, I don't think I'd be any good at that either.

Hilarious post, thank you xx

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Why thank you, my dear.

Thanks, babe. 'Preciate it.

I'd love to work with the crazoids. I'm comfortable amongst insanity. If you knew my family, you'd understand.

Love to all,