Friday, November 19, 2010

While Waiting to Get My Tits Jammed in a Vice

While I was waiting for my mammogram yesterday, I sat and stared out the window into the parking lot of the hospital below. I watched a lot of decrepit oldsters struggling to walk to and from their cars and several REALLY FAT people struggle just to exit their automobiles. It took one fat middle-aged fuck nearly five minutes just to hoist his fat double-wide ass out of the seat and stand up. It really sent me a message that I need to clean up my damn act, so that if I am blessed (sarcasm) to live long enough, I don't wind up an embarrassing fat struggling blob.

I have a diet book (I know it's fruitless and futile, but shut the fuck up) shipping (one-day ship) to my fat ass today. I ordered that shit off Amazon, in a panic, after the soul-chilling hospital experience. Also, I should mention that the damn Viking is a fucking 6 foot 4 stick man, who happens to be built like a high school basketball player (the Moms and Daddums fondly refer to him as "String Bean"), and I don't want people to laugh because he dates a fatty.

13 comments:

Findon said...

You sweet beauty. Go easy on yourself and the old aftties. I hope that the hospital vivst was a routine check and not anything more.
Im off to a monastery now, not to pray,I don't believe in that, but for silence, I will however, think about my friend SB

Take good care of your self and thanks for the BD wishes.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Have fun, Findon. I heard the monks are real partiers once you get to know them.

Happy Birthday! I adore you.

SB

Ms. Moon said...

What book? I need to know.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon it's called The G.I. Diet. It's by some kook whose method Sharon Stone uses supposedly. I want to look JUST LIKE her!

Jeannie said...

Scares the hell out of me when I see fat people. I have absolutely no concept of what I look like. I look at those people and constantly ask my daughter: Am I as fat as her? And she always laughs and I don't know why.

Ms. Moon said...

Let me know about it. I wouldn't mind looking like her either. Will that diet give you her great tits?

All This Trouble... said...

Yep. I know all about it. Joe's skinny. I'm not. Like the damn Sprats, we are!

Adirondackcountrygal said...

I saw a really enormous man piloting a tiny pickup truck down toward the mall. I was in a punchy mood and said to my hubby, "Wow, look at him, he is huge. Probably on his way to the Golden Corral too". My husband was not amused and proceeded to give me a lecture on how that wasn't nice and I shouldn't make assumptions, maybe he has a glandular problem. I hate killjoys.. Besides I'm a fat ass myself!

Syd said...

It must be too many buffet lines for them. Have you watched how much people eat at those all you can eat places?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Jeannie,
I have little concept of what I actually look like, too, and I am so damn thankful for that.

Ms. Moon,
I doubt it. Laugh.

ATT,
Me and the Viking, too.

Adirondackcountrygal,
Glandular problem, my ass. I once read the statistics on that, and the percentage of people with glandular problems contributing to obesity is almost nil.

Syd,
Yes, I have. It's disgusting. Only in America.

Love all you mofos,

SB

Big Mark 243 said...

I don't know what to say about becoming healthy... as 'allegedly fit' as I am, I feel as if I am lugging around a tub of lard body. My heart is going to give out before long and I run 3-5 miles a day and lift half a gym!!

I would rather follow whatever Jared did... WHEN has Sharon Stone ever been unattractively overweight? She cuts out twinkies, sniffs some blow and BAM! back to a size two!!

Good luck on your efforts and don't be shy about telling a brother how things are working for you!!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Big Mark,
Thanks, buddy. I'll let y'all know, though I am less than hopeful with the holidays looming.

Parabolic Muse said...

goddammit, I love me some Vikings! they can't help it if they're pale and long.

here's my take on diet books, and I'm trying to be as nice to people who are dieting as I can. because I have been on 57 diets in 54 years. I speak from experience:

Move around more and don't eat so much.

no charge.