When Alvin Prescott Ate

[Alvin Prescott]

I recently read that when Elvis had his beloved cook, Mamie, make him peanut butter and nana sandwiches, Mamie used an ENTIRE LOAF OF WHITE BREAD! You people read that shit right. Elvis ate AN ENTIRE LOAF OF WHITE BREAD in one blow. [Note that Elvis ate WHITE BREAD, and not that shitty wheat crap, just like SB. I want Wonder Bread, goddammit! And so did the King.]

SB wishes her ass had a live-in cook (and a doctor on call to write prescriptions for me, but I digress), who I could call up AT ANY HOUR to appease my slightest gastronomical whim.

If he took a notion, Elvis could ring Mamie in her room at midnight and say, "Goddammit Mamie, I'd like a damn red velvet cake from scratch! Wake me up when it's ready." And that bitch would have to haul ass down to the kitchen and bake that damn cake in the middle of the night. Everybody should have a Mamie.

To me, Elvis is like family. I'm allowed to poke a little fun about his eating habits and weight, but goddammit, NOBODY ELSE HAD BETTER! Or it will be like:
What did you say about the King, motherfucker? WHAT DID YOUR DUMB ASS JUST SAY? ELVIS WAS A GOOD BOY, GODDAMMIT.

Growing up, I watched Elvis movies all the time. My favorite was Blue Hawaii. Every time I light a damn tiki torch, even today, I expect Elvis to magically appear, wearing a lei and holding a damn ukulele. It's kind of disappointing when he doesn't show.

My grandma used to say, "Alvin was a good boy. He never hurt anybody but himself, and he liked to make people happy by giving them Cadillacs. Alvin knew what it was to be poor." Grandma Peg was from Mississippi, and she took particular pride in Elvis, who also hailed from Mississippi, except that Grandma was a little hard of hearing and called him Alvin Prescott. We tried correcting her, but grandma was a tad stubborn and that shit didn't fly.

NOTE: Grandma also thought my REALLY OBESE friend, Tina was named Tiny. She really fumed about that shit and said, "Her parents had some nerve naming that girl Tiny!"