Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Okay, I Feel Worse Again

I went home for lunch, and I whacked both Puppini and Mercer (my two favorite cats), because Puppine started to use my new cruising bicycle tire as a damn scratching post (AGAIN) and Mercer puked (AGAIN). I had just cleaned up one dried-up vom spot that I had found, then I found two more BIG pools of vomit in the damn bathroom and was cleaning those motherfuckers up, when Mercer started fucking gakking anew in the damn living room. I know Mercer can't help having to puke (she has stomach issues; always has), but I JUST LOST IT. I totally lost my shit! I even told Ginger, who was merely a hapless shivering bystander to my cat-induced anger, that I was going to post the whole lot of them on Craig's List (or Greg's List, as my friend mistakenly calls it). NOT ONLY THAT, but I was going to post all of them as: FREE TO GOOD ANIMAL EXPERIMENTATION LAB, instead of the usual: FREE TO GOOD HOME. I am awful. I hate myself. I need to get my sorry fucking fat ass to anger management classes.

I am this woman, but fucking whiter and a whole lot fatter.

Why does it feel SO GOOD to lash out and slap a bitch when one is angry? Maybe we can ask Dr. Oz!

Now, I will have to feel AWFUL until after work, when I can go home and apologize and love all my critters up. I TOTALLY FUCKING SUCK AS A MOTHER. I AM AN ASSHOLE DICKWAD SHIT-FOR-BRAINS CUNTWAGON. And it makes me feel only-slightly-better to confess all of this to the ENTIRE WORLD on my blog.

Also, I will not be opening a pet daycare anytime soon.

11 comments:

Syd said...

LOL on free to good experimental lab. You crack me up. The good thing about them is they forgive you without a moment's hesitation.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Syd,
The dog will forgive without a moment's hesitation. CATS, on the other hand, bear grudges. Those little assholes have L-O-N-G memories.

Love,

SB

The Dish said...

I think we should ask Dr. Oz why it feels so good to slap a bitch when pissed off.

No worries, we always take our anger out on the ones we love. If they love us, they will forgive us. Even the cats. It will just take awhile!

Ms. Moon said...

Sweetheart- Any mother of children with opposable thumbs who does not admit that she has screamed her face bloody-red at her children is a lying bitch.
So. That's all I have to say about THAT.
We do not drop kick them (either children or cats) across the room. We do not take them to the woods and drop them off. We get our shit together, we apologize and we go on. And we pay for our children's therapy when they grow up. Or, we should.
And hey- cats don't even go to therapists. Unless they belong to some of those wacko people who have WAY too much money and not nearly enough sense.
Open a can of tuna and set it down. All will be forgiven.

Petit fleur said...

I have anger management issues as aw well. It may take some time, or a particular kind of situation, but once I am triggered I lash out, only not physically anymore. It still sucks though and makes me feel like a ahem cuntwagon.

Hang in there, you are loved no matter what.
peace,
pf

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
You ALWAYS make me feel better. THANK YOU!

You are loved.

Dish,
I just love you. You know that.

PF,
You are a sweetheart. Thanks for your words.

aveline said...

I love your blogs, sooooooo funny

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Aveline,
Many thanks, love.

May said...

Fight or flight. You obviously have fight, which is good because the same thing that makes you want to whack your cats will make you defend them to the death if anyone should attack. Those little ass-lickers should keep that in mind.

michelle said...

Yeah. What Ms. Moon and May said.

They are so fucking awesome.

As are you, SB

sending love

Chic Mama said...

I look exactly like that woman too and exactly like you! ;0)
Hope the animals behave! ;0) xx