Monday, November 7, 2011

My Skinny Ass Used to Clean House for My Uncle Ed to Earn Pocket Money in Middle School


That fucker ate fried fucking eggs EVERY DAMN MORNING for breakfast and sometimes for lunch, and his rum-running old ass would put the dishes in the sink and only rinse the front of the damn plates in a half-assed kind of effort, so when the old fuck stacked the plates, the cocksucking egg smears would dry and the motherfucking plates would stick together. It took a bitch FOR-FUCKING-EVER to get all that motherfucking shit off the damn plates. And Uncle Ed was a rich old bastard, but he only paid my poor skinny ass about five bucks an hour. Cheap old motherfucking prick.

I would stand in the kitchen doorway in semi-bemused silence as Ed's dachshund, Fritzie, would piss on the inside of his doorway and all over his wall. I would have told Ed, but I was PISSED ABOUT THE EGGS.

12 comments:

Denny Coates said...

That's a very flattering photo of Uncle Ed...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Why thanks, Denny! Actually Uncle Ed was a baldy, but I don't think he was into women's underwear.

Ms. Moon said...

I suppose he could have eaten oatmeal and left the pot. In which case I would have just killed him.

Steph(anie) said...

Unless they were on women :)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
Yes, that too.

Steph,
Someone has a dirty mind! GOOD, I'm not alone.

Elisabeth said...

Well I suppose you could say you've got your own back on old Uncle Ed with these thoughts here, and especially with this photo. Humiliation plus plus.

drollgirl said...

what a prick. i work with someone that does a half-assed job of rinsing dishes and leaves them around for someone else to clean. it is MADDENING. i'd call him out on it, but he is THE BOSS.

Omgrrrl said...

I just like the damn picture, OK?

Jeannie said...

Love your little nostalgic tale. I love the middle school you as much as the now you.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Elisabeth,
I exaggerate. I pretty much liked him, except for the plates.

Drollgirl,
With your attitude, I'd think you'd still call him out on it. You know I love you.

Omgrrrl,
And I like you. That made me laugh, and in the morning, no less.

Jeannie,
We would have been friends at any age. I just know it.

Love to all my peeps,

SB

Mel's Way or No Way said...

Okay, I'm going back to the kitchen to better rinse my breakfast dishes. Yeah, I'll still probably leave them in the sink until A gets home because I'm a lazy spoiled little bitch but I will rinse them better.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Mel,
I just love you. You know that.

I love A, too!