Thursday, March 11, 2010

This Picky Bitch Will NEVER Find a Damn Man

I’ve run ads and answered them. I’ve met people. I’ve failed at finding a quality man that has my minimum expectations for the love of my life. My list is never complete, since I haven’t found him…I’m not quite sure of all of his traits. I can tell you what he can’t have and apologize up front for the appearance of negativity. It’s really a positive that I know what I cannot tolerate AND that I may be flexible on the unlisted or unstated traits.

My man would NOT:

Be a user of illegal drugs (shows he does not respect those that lay down their life to protect kids from drugs)
Be abusive to himself or others (shows he is a lost cause)
Be a racist (shows he is blind to cell structure)
Be living paycheck to paycheck (shows he did not plan…being laid off is not part of this equation in this economy)
Be without a savings account or equity that could cover 6 months of income if he lost his job (shows he cannot plan)
Be without good oral hygiene (makes him unkissable)
Be an Atheist, devout Catholic, or Jewish. (Perhaps I find the stance too strong?)Be without laughter
Be plagued with any STD
Be filled with tension brow lines from scowling his adult life
Be overly clingy or overly aloof and distance in our relationship
Be a distant father either through lack of attendance or physical location
Be unable to slow dance in public or private
Be opposed to movies with subtitles once in a blue moon
Be squeamish from Tarantino movies
Be obese or my size (128#)
Be my height or shorter (I am 5′6″)
Be in need of a woman with a tan (never going to happen on this fair skin)
Be unable to deal with life issues, health issues, seeing a doctor on a regular basis for his age group
Be unable to say “I’m sorry” and mean it
Be a parent of mean, angry, or darkly unhappy child(ren)
Be still living with any ex
Be under 36 or over hmmm….65? (not really sure on age limits)
Be plagued with psoriasis or any other full body scaly rash
Be one to wear black pants with white socks to take me out dancing or…out anywhere in public
Be impatient
Be one to ignore grade school grammar and spelling
Be missing front teeth
Be addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, pornography, or any other addiction that hinders his relationships with work, family, or friends.
Be ultra-liberal or one that does not vote in major elections
Be allergic to dogs or horses (cats are debatable)
Be opposed to PDA
Be one to send links, images of poor taste, or any other negative response
Be in a location more than 40 minutes from St.Paul

My man MIGHT respond to this ad. He MIGHT send me his phone number and photo so I can reach him via a blocked call. I will not respond to all emails. I will probably only respond to a few. My photo was taken today by yours truly. I’ve not put my face out there online before as I’ve been reserved in that way. I will attempt this and see what happens. There won’t be other pictures for me to send.

Please show me your best side. I hope I will have a lot to read that are not form letters that every woman gets. I’d love to hear your words flow through your finger tips to just me.

Me? I am divorced, have children that are able to care for themselves quite well, am mildly self-employed and prefer volunteering, horseback ride often, have an eye for fun and flirting and also the ability to settle in for night after night of cozy dinners and movies under a blanket. I am deeply steadfast to my loved ones, affectionate, slim, love comedy clubs and movies that make you think, laugh or appreciate great dialogue. I would enjoy traveling, love New England as a nice place to visit, hate the cold, have mild asthma during the cold season shift, enjoy eating out, dancing (can lindy), seafood, photography, Asian cuisine, am not a fan of jalapenos, listen to The Current, Golden Oldies and other random new hits, drink very little, never smoke, and am ready to hear from you.

13 comments:

Syd said...

I had to laugh because this could be written by someone that I know. It seems almost like self-sabotage and fear of finding anyone. This person hasn't learned to take what they like and leave the rest.

downtown guy said...

Sing it with me now: You can't always get what you want. Oh no, you can't always get what you want.

Steph(anie) said...

I was right there with her until she said she didn't like jalapenos.

Stupid bitch.

The Dish said...

You know, they say there is someone for everyone. Maybe there is a man in the St. Paul area that wants someone to run his entire life.

Lori said...

Will you marry me?

white rabbit said...

I only crashed and burned on two or three of these (honest)and they could be rectified. Except the last one on the list, which I failed spectacularly. Oh and the seeing the doctor one too which I just noticed...

I love 'mildly self-employed'

:D

Sarcastic Bastard said...

DTG,
Right on, my brothah.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Steph,
Stupid bitch is right. We wouldn't hang with that picky whore.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dish,
Exactly what i was thinking.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Lori,
Sure.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

White Rabbit,
Obviously you are a catch, babe.

Love,

SB

Ms. Moon said...

Hey. The woman knows what she wants. Plus- she can Lindy. Can't find that one every street corner these days.

gingermagnolia said...

Well she certainly seems like a fun loving gal...