Wednesday, March 17, 2010

This Shit Means YOU, Betty

Dear neighbors,

It has come to my attention that some people simply do not know what a toilet seat is, let alone the proper ladies room etiquette for raising them before urinating from the standing position. So in the future (i.e. starting right now), please raise the seat before doing your business. And stop urinating on the seats (this means you, Betty). If this continues, you will all be peeing from the seated position. For reference, I have appended an image of what the toilet should look like before you urinate in it. Study it long and hard.

As a side note, may I suggest that ladies raise the toilet seat once they are done, so these toilet seat spoilers can no longer have their sick way with our lovely restroom. I mean, seriously, I’ve been raising toilet seats when I’m done for just about 20 years now (so what if I did it before I was potty trained?), how about some gender equality? In the great progressive state of California, this should have been done years ago.

Finally, to the person who left a toilet paper roll out in the hallway, shame on you. Not only is this wasteful, but it also allowed Pat to amuse his ego by rainbow kicking it around the hallway thinking he’s a soccer superstar. By the way, if it was me who put that roll out when I was drunk last night, I apologize. Very possible.

Love,

D don’t piss on the f***ing seats”
an Executive Jungle Juice Maker

[SB digs Pat and his ego. We would be friends.]

11 comments:

Nellie said...

Wait a minute, am I correct in my interpretation that this man believes that the correct way to leave a toilet is with the seat up? That's ridiculous! Everyone knows that the seat is to remain down, I think the lid should be closed as well, upon exiting any restroom. Only men have to stand to pee, both men AND women have to sit to take a crap, so it makes sense, mathmatically, to keep the seat down. More toilet functions take place with the seat down. And I'm not even going to waste time arguing over the fact that it is the men who pee on the seat when they are too lazy to lift it first. Come on, everyone knows that, man! Geez

Ms. Moon said...

This made me very happy. Especially the part about "By the way, if it was me who put that roll out when I was drunk last night, I apologize. Very possible."
I want to take that paragraph to bed and cuddle with it. Of course, it is chilly and rainy here and I'd pretty much take anything to bed and cuddle with it right now.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Nellie,
I'm with you on the toilet stats, babe. Laugh.

Love you tons.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
I'd take Pearl to bed and cuddle with her, and I don't give a damn whether she's old stinky dog or not. I'd still cuddle her.

Love you SHITLOAD TONS,

SB

The Dish said...

I don't even know how pissing on the seat is even possible. And I refuse to lift the seat. Gender equality my chunky ass!

North West London Girl said...

I live in house full of men on the dog is a bitch here! I get sick of the loo issues so I have banned all males from using my loo and they all have to use the stinky smelly one downstairs or in their own bathroom (HH has been banned too) x

Sarcastic Bastard said...

North West London Girl,
You go! Sounds like an excellent solution to me.

Sending love,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Dish,
I love you. I'm with you.

mrs. miss alaineus said...

is it just me or did a CHICK write this one????


my feeling on this is based on that in my mind, a guy would never be proud of the fact of being a seat raiser. plus the letter mentions the ladies room and who else but a chick that used the stall after betty would know if she pissed on the damn seat?

sounds like your project is done ahead of schedule-- looking forward to seeing more of my sb again!!!


xxaa\,\\alainaxxx


(typing in a reclining position is a bitch i dont recommend it for accuracy)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Miss A.,
No, the damn project is not done. Deadline is mid-week, next week. I just felt it was important to post those things yesterday.

I'll be back on a more full-time basis the last week of the month.

Love you.

Ms. Moon said...

Look- I understand this woman. Have you never sat on a public toilet only to discover it is wet with piss? There are women who believe you can get dread diseases off of toilet seats and so they squat over them to piss. Which of course, leads to a situation where you could possibly get something from a toilet seat. I HATE THESE WOMEN! I want to find and kill them. Or at least publically humiliate and educate them. Sit on the seat and pee and get over it. And if you can't do that, lift the damn seat so it remains dry for when I go to sit on it.
I'm in a mood today. Sorry.