Friday, March 12, 2010

My Precious Encounter with an Old Limping Motherfucker at McDonald's

Yes, motherfuckers, I stopped at the McDonald's drive-thru this morning BECAUSE I WAS TIRED AND FUCKING DESPERATE for some sort of food for my poor empty hungover stomach. There was a whole LONG line of other desperate, possibly hungover, motherfuckers in front of me. Then, some poor really limping old guy, who walks like .333 miles an hour (at best) is trying to cross into the damn restaurant through the line of snaking cars, and the cocksucker in the minivan ahead of me wouldn't let him. I kid you not. [Don't get me started on minivan drivers.] It's not like bitch in the van could have gone anywhere anyway. Being the sweetheart that I am, I waved the old guy in front of me, and his TORTUROUSLY SLOW ass waddled in front of my car to the sidewalk.

I look over and notice the old fart is jabbering something at me and smiling like a crazed motherfucker. So I roll down the window somewhat hesitantly, and the man says: It's hell getting old.

I reply: Buddy, I'm not too far behind you. [Aware, of course, that my eating at McDonald's is probably expediting the process.]

So that shit was nice in an odd sort of way. And I got my egg, bacon, and cheese bagel FROM HEAVEN. And John Travolta was right in Pulp Fiction when he said: But bacon is so good. [Travolta is right about a lot of things, except for that weird Scientology garbage.]

Amen. Bacon is SO GOOD.

11 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I love this story. You know why old people walk like that? BECAUSE THEY HURT!
But bacon- the elixir of life. The vegetarian's favorite meat. The preferred sin of Ms. Moon. Well, one of them.
I love you, dear Ms. Bastard. Good morning.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

And good morning to you, my dear.

Syd said...

It is heaven smelling cooking bacon but now I'm not eating meat (again!!!) so I'll just have to salivate.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I am right there with you on mini-van drivers, I want to flip them the bird every time I pass them.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Bucko,
Absolutely.

Ms. Moon said...

Hey! One of my very favorite vehicles EVER was a Mazda mini-van. As Hank pointed out, it was like a Fischer Price car, the way the controls were set up. I took my children to the beach in that mini van so many times with all our stuff and we sang along to Jimmy Buffett in it and I burned incense in it and it was lovely.
But I don't know that I ever drove it to McDonalds although who knows? This was long ago.

Kathleen Scott said...

Good story. True, too. I think meanness boomerangs. The driver in front of you is carrying a load.

And you got good wishes, in addition to bacon.

I don't admit to liking bacon. Nitrates and saturated fat. Don't keep it in fridge...it's in the freezer, wrapped in little two slice packets in case I need a fix.

Bethany said...

I love this post!
I think you made that man's day too.
You're the best SB.
(I dare you to try to write a post without swearing) (If you can I will make you all kinds of bacon sandwiches for a week)

Petit fleur said...

I liked Samuel Jax's reply:

"Well Sewer rat might taste like pumpkin pie, but I wouldn't know, cuz I'd never eat the filthy muther fuckers"

Pulp Fiction just plain rocks...

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Bethany,
Even for BACON that would not work. I gave up giving up swearing years ago.

Laugh.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

PF,
Samuel Jackson is a hero of mine. Nobody can say MOTHERFUCKER like that motherfucker.

Love you.