Tuesday, March 9, 2010

It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time, Motherfuckers

I'm 43-fucking-years-old, and I came to work with a damn hickey on my neck this morning. The Viking (new guy) gave me a hickey, and that shit is somewhat embarrassing. (It seemed like a good idea at the time, motherfuckers. This is the title of my future autobiography. Don't YOU DARE steal that shit either! It's my fucking intellectual property. I'm laying claim raht here.) Of course, I'm going to tell anybody who asks that the mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn, because I'm cowardly and shit like that. Besides, I don't want everybody all up in my business. I DO NOT LIKE NOSY MOTHERFUCKERS! AT ALL.

I was up until about 1:30 again last night, and I can't keep my shit together with so little sleep for two nights in a damn row. SB is STRUGGLING today, but I bleed for you motherfuckers. I can't leave my peeps hanging without a post. So this is it. You're welcome.

GAY CATTERY UPDATE:

Things were silent at the gay cattery today. I knew you'd want an update on the situation.

I think it's great that I have gay cats. It just goes to prove that anybody (and I mean YOU, ignorant motherfucking Christians) who says it is not natural to be gay is full of shit. I have plenty of opposite sex moggies that Marley could chose from, but he digs the dudes. So there you have it. And you damn ignorant Christians can eat me.

17 comments:

Ms. Moon said...

I do love a feisty Ms. Bastard with all my heart.
Seems to me I had a hickey on my neck in the last few months and it was embarrassing as hell and everyone who knows me knows that a curling iron never gets anywhere near my head so what could I say?
I know I can say that I just adore you, Ms. Bastard. I can say that with some authority. And I do.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
And I, you. You are one of my best fucking friends IN ALL THE WORLD!

Steph(anie) said...

I would recommend cover-up, but I never use the stuff myself.

The Dish said...

I think it is the cutest thing ever that you have a hickie! Yay for you, my lovely SB!

downtown guy said...

You be proud of that hickey! When people stare, just give them the evil eye. You know they're just jealous.

Mr.Mischief said...

Safer to leave hickeys in places not easily seen by the public..lol

Tom said...

Oh, for the love of...a hickey? Really? What are you, in Junior High? When you guys talk on the phone, who hangs up first? A Curling Iron? Nice cover story. Seriously, you made me laugh and forget what a lousy day I was having. I just forget sometimes what's it like to be young, attractive and single like you, my dear SB. Well, OK, I never was very attractive, but I vaguely remember being young and single. I'll guess I'll have to schlep my fat ass over to the SB side of the building and see for myself.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Steph,
Me neither, girl. NO cover up for me.

Dish,
Thanks, toots. You are loved.

DTG,
If you say I should be proud, I WILL be proud, damn it.

Mr. M,
Words from a true married man. Laugh.

Tom,
You ARE TOO attractive, goddamn it. So far no one here has noticed. Thank Jesus! Longer hair is good for something.

Love all of you,

SB

Syd said...

Go for it SB. If hickeys turn you on, nothing anybody says matters. Just enjoy!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Thanks, Syd. The CEO just walked by and looked at me funny. How embarrassing. Jesus.

Jeannie said...

A hickey? I remember them...ahhh the memories...turtlenecks...coverup...my big brother blasting it at dinner and my mother STILL being oblivious

Really, you were playing some corny game like truth or dare weren't you?

mrs. miss alaineus said...

you go and get your play on now gurl!!!!



i recommend fashionable scarves!


xxalainaxx

Mel's Way or No Way said...

Hehehehe! Let me say the curling iron excuse is the oldest one out there. If you tied to tell me that I would have said you were full of shit.

Personally, we have rules about such things in this house but I have covered a few for the girls in the office. I have a reputation for being good at such things.

cousin Sheila said...

Way to go cuz! It's been a minute since I've had a hickey...I think I might be jealous?

ps- You should own up to that shit...it will add to your lore at work.

pps- This viking dude better treat you right or I'm on that shit. Let him know!

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Jeannie,
You got me babe. I'm caught out.

Miss A.,
Thanks for the tip!

Mel,
I could use you to run interference for me here at the office.

Love all of you shitloads,

SB

Sarcastic Bastard said...

My Dearest Dear Cousin,
I have enough "lore" at work, trust me. You should have seen the CEO's face when he ran into me in the hallway. Jesus. Seen a hickey much?

I was just thinking of you this morning. If I weren't such a lazy asshole, I'd actually write.

The Viking watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch with me the other night. It was cool of him, but I don't think he loved the damn film. He is a liberal agnostic democrat though. BINGO!

I love you boatloads and am, as always, very proud of you.

Thanks for reading me.

All my love,

SB

Petit fleur said...

You gotta hickey! You gotta hickey!!!

I LOVE that you dug on the Hedwig!! The Viking gets major points for just watching it all the way through. I totally adore Hedwig, but lets face it, it's not exactly a sausage flick, AND it's a musical. Musicals are very taboo for guys... unless you're talking about The Wall, and ah, party favors to go with. Well, that's been my experience anyway.

So woo hoo for you and Big woo hoos for Mr. Viking. He's got good taste. No pun intended, really. :-0

How exciting!! Wait till he meets the gay cats!
Love you like pizza,
pf