Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Born Again Biker Neighbors from HELL Update

I know you all have been waiting breathlessly for this shit. So here goes. . . .

About 7 or 8 weeks ago, Mr. Born Again went fucking insane after a family cookout in the back yard of our house. I personally think dude had a few Natural Lights too many.

The Viking and I were in the upstairs bedroom when we heard the fucker shouting and pounding on his wife's minivan at street level. She tore off in the van, and Mr. Born Again eloquently shouted: "FUCKING BITCH!"

Anyhoo, a few days later (after SB noticed that Mr. Born Again's heap of shit party-plate licensed car had been absent from the street in front of the house), one of the neighbors said Mr. BA had turned up the night of the FUCKING BITCH incident, drunkenly hammering on their door to use the phone. Mr. BA said: "That bitch took my phone. Can I use yours?"

Then, Mr. BA proceeded to cry around about his awful childhood (fucker is in his 30s--get over that shit already) and said that the wife was really mad because he had carved the word MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE in his forearm in front of the kids. Now, why would she be mad about that? I just don't get it. And also, Mr. BA proceeded to tell our mutual neighbor that he also thinks he's a vampire. He just hasn't been fully turned yet. Uhhhhhmmmm, okay.

I asked the neighbor: "Who would want to give that dumb motherfucker's sorry ass eternal life? Then they would have to listen to the fucker whine through all eternity about his lousy childhood and shit. I wouldn't turn his dumb ass either."

Last night, SB's landlord phoned and gave my ass a heads up that Mr. BA would be returning (post-rehab) to the abode. I explained that I had my reservations.

This morning, Mrs. BA (a.k.a. FUCKING BITCH) was shouting at one of her kids through our shared bathroom wall. It went something like this: "I HATE IT WHEN YOU THINK I'M STUPID! IF YOU SQUIRT IT IN ONE EYE IT WILL RUN INTO THE OTHER ONE!"

Uhhhhmmmm, okay. Clearly, she is joyfully anticipating a reunion with her spouse.


That Hank said...

Did I tell you about the meth addict biker neighbors I once shared a wall with?

Ms. Moon said...

Oh Lord. Well, I guess not only can you not pick your family, you can't always pick your neighbors either, which pretty much leaves your nose.
That was a really bad joke.
Actually and truthfully- this post would make a great short story. Which you may have just written. Sorry it's not fiction.
Love you, Ms. B. You know that.

Reeny's Ramblin' said...

Watch out for him because when he turns full vamp there will be some serious internal good vs evil battles happening, with flames and skulls and angels and demons trying to kill one another with cross bows. My suggestion is you film that shit.

Nuthin' like a born again biker mi amiga. lol.

Jeannie said...

You hit the mother lode of crazy in that house! We don't have any batshit loonies in our neighborhood unless you count us.

Mr.Mischief said...

I'm going to make it my lifes work to invent the first true time machine, go back, and make both of the neighbors fathers pull out early..or wear a condom, whichever is more socially acceptable.

Sarcastic Bastard said...


Ms. Moon,
I love you MAS! I can't stop typing that. I just love faux Spanish.

Thanks for the advice. Laugh.

You are EXACTLY my kind of batshit loony!

Mr. M.,
As we say here in Buttfuck, "'Preciate it." I really do.

Love to all you bastards and bitches,


That Hank said...

Well, all I ever heard from the pair was an hour or two of screaming fights with bottles or plates smashing and breaking against the wall, followed by an hour or two of hardcore fucking.

Syd said...

I am sure that you are joyfully anticipating their reunion as well. Glad to not have any close neighbors except squirrels.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Oh dear SB! Great story though. Thinking of you with your born again bikers... you couldn't make it up! xx

Mel's Way or No Way said...

Sounds like husband and father of the year and the wife sounds like a gem too. Bet they've got a special spot reserved in heaven alright!

My neighbor is an alcoholic who used to be fixated on A and I. He knew we were together but still thought he was "courting" us. That one ended up with a restraining order. Can you believe he still lives next door after all that? Maybe we should start a new weekly segment where we share stories about our crazy neighbors (past and present).

Sarcastic Bastard said...


You are a lucky man.

No, I couldn't make it up. Truth really IS stranger than fiction. Love you much!

Melly Mel,
Poor you. We suffer alone but together. That sounds like some Buddhist shit, and it's too damn early for that. Love to A. Love to you.