Thursday, October 27, 2011

My Next Door Neighbors

My next door neighbors apparently ACTUALLY FUCKING LEFT for their camping vacation to Gettysburg this morning. This, despite the fact it was raining here in magnificent Buttfuck. It was no mean feat for Carol to get Lee's semi-agoraphobic ass out the door in the fine cold rain this morning. You motherfuckers need some back story to fully appreciate the sheer fucking awesomeness of Carol's powers of persuasion.

Here goes.

Several months ago Lee and Carol (who we shall henceforth call the Agoraphobes, when referring to them in tandem--despite the fact that Carol is not actually agoraphobic--it is ONLY fucking Lee). Anyhoo, several months ago, the Agoraphobes were excitedly packing the camper up over the course of several fucking days in preparation for this same trip to Gettysburg. The Viking, being one of Lee's oldest friends, fucking marveled at the sheer persuasive powers of Carol in being able to talk Lee's home-body ass into an actual off -property camping trip. In the past, Lee had camped in the trailer, but only in the back yard for a few days, due to the fact that he was pissed at Carol.

Well, after several days of furious camper-loading and Lee modeling his official wilderness hat (and my laughing my fucking ass off), the Agoraphobes were all packed and loaded and ready to go. But the next day, after I got off work, the fucking trailer was still parked in the goddamn driveway, and the Viking informed me that Lee had suddenly reneged on the trip, due to a forecast of rain in Gettysburg. Clearly, the fucking official hat did not instill Lee's agoraphobic ass with any sort of pioneering fucking spirit. I told the Viking that if I LOADED THE GODDAMN CAMPER UP FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS, my ass would have gone the fuck without Lee, and I might even have picked up a less agoraphobic specimen of manhood in Gettysburg.

So, a few days ago, I encountered Carol in the side yard, where she informed me (with no sense of shame, might I add) that they were again attempting the trip to Civil War town. You can imagine my DUBIOUS FUCKING TOTAL LACK OF HOPE for the prospect, but SB is nothing if not full of faux support for friends. And again, the fucking camper packing next door began in earnest, with a noted lack of millinery modeling by the Agorophobe. (The Viking took this as a potentially hopeful sign. I was not convinced.)

So, at about 5-fucking-a.m. this morning--the scheduled date of departure--the wooden outer screen door began slamming furiously as Carol and Lee entered and exited the house with some last-minute items. Thank you, fucking neighbors! I appreciate your concern for those of us bastards who are not vacationing, but instead slaving away at a job we HATE today. But I digress.

Imagine my TOTAL SURPRISE when I let the Diarrhetic Wunderkind's ass out to piss this morning, only to see with MY OWN SUCKY EYES that the Agoraphobeses trailer had actually left the damn driveway (and the side yard!). All I can figure is that Carol rushed Lee's only semi-coherent partially-awakened ass out the door and into the truck before he fully realized what was happening to him. BEFORE HE COULD FUCKING FULLY FUCKING REALIZE THAT HIS DUMB FAT ASS WAS ACTUALLY LEAVING THE DAMN DRIVEWAY!

What the fuck ever. It worked.

This is not Lee, but some other poor unfortunate motherfucker with extremely BAD taste in camping headwear.


Ms. Moon said...

That is a great story and I totally get all the sides of it. I am sorry, though, that they woke you up.
I, too, have an agoraphobic ass, as you know, and all I can say is- Carol must have some serious power or else Lee really, in his scared little heart, must want to go to Civil War Land and all I can say is- each to his or her own.
As I often tell Mr. Moon, there are only two things which will get me up and out of bed before six a.m. and one of them is Owen coming and one of them is that I am going to get on a plane to Cozumel.
Gettysburg would not qualify.
I love it when you give us posts of your words. You have no idea how much I love it.
And you.

Steph(anie) said...

Good for Carol! And Lee, whether he thinks so or not :)

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
I went to Gettysburg as a kid. Now the thought depresses me, due to the fact that the South took such a hit there. I am in love with General Lee. Seriously. If I could have coffee or libations with anybody historically, it would be him or Shelby Foote.

Yeah, it was one GIANT step for Leekind. Laugh.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Ms. Moon,
And also thank you for saying you love posts of my words. I just wish I had more time to devote to longer posts. I just don't much anymore.

Jeannie said...

what the hell is in Gettysburg?

Whatever - being a turtle and taking your home with you seems like a good plan wherever you end up.

downtown guy said...

Ah, it's a beautiful story. It brings a tear to me eye.

mrs. miss alaineus said...

the irony of them leaving in the rain. . . you are a modern day o henry!

i would love to know more about how lee and the viking know each other.


Sarcastic Bastard said...

Gettysburg was possibly the biggest battle of the Civil War and the turning point. It took place in Pennsylvania.

I LOVE YOU! Your comment made me laugh.

Mrs. Miss A.,
Thanks for the O. Henry compliment. Laugh.

The Viking actually got Lee and Carol together by introducing a large bottle of booze at a party one night. Lee and Carol drank it. They did it. They moved into together. The rest was history.

Love to you and Mr. T,


Syd said...

I am glad that they are on their way. I never did like those stupid dorky hats. Actually, I did enjoy Gettysburg. It was an interesting tour.