My Next Door Neighbors

My next door neighbors apparently ACTUALLY FUCKING LEFT for their camping vacation to Gettysburg this morning. This, despite the fact it was raining here in magnificent Buttfuck. It was no mean feat for Carol to get Lee's semi-agoraphobic ass out the door in the fine cold rain this morning. You motherfuckers need some back story to fully appreciate the sheer fucking awesomeness of Carol's powers of persuasion.

Here goes.

Several months ago Lee and Carol (who we shall henceforth call the Agoraphobes, when referring to them in tandem--despite the fact that Carol is not actually agoraphobic--it is ONLY fucking Lee). Anyhoo, several months ago, the Agoraphobes were excitedly packing the camper up over the course of several fucking days in preparation for this same trip to Gettysburg. The Viking, being one of Lee's oldest friends, fucking marveled at the sheer persuasive powers of Carol in being able to talk Lee's home-body ass into an actual off -property camping trip. In the past, Lee had camped in the trailer, but only in the back yard for a few days, due to the fact that he was pissed at Carol.

Well, after several days of furious camper-loading and Lee modeling his official wilderness hat (and my laughing my fucking ass off), the Agoraphobes were all packed and loaded and ready to go. But the next day, after I got off work, the fucking trailer was still parked in the goddamn driveway, and the Viking informed me that Lee had suddenly reneged on the trip, due to a forecast of rain in Gettysburg. Clearly, the fucking official hat did not instill Lee's agoraphobic ass with any sort of pioneering fucking spirit. I told the Viking that if I LOADED THE GODDAMN CAMPER UP FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS, my ass would have gone the fuck without Lee, and I might even have picked up a less agoraphobic specimen of manhood in Gettysburg.

So, a few days ago, I encountered Carol in the side yard, where she informed me (with no sense of shame, might I add) that they were again attempting the trip to Civil War town. You can imagine my DUBIOUS FUCKING TOTAL LACK OF HOPE for the prospect, but SB is nothing if not full of faux support for friends. And again, the fucking camper packing next door began in earnest, with a noted lack of millinery modeling by the Agorophobe. (The Viking took this as a potentially hopeful sign. I was not convinced.)

So, at about 5-fucking-a.m. this morning--the scheduled date of departure--the wooden outer screen door began slamming furiously as Carol and Lee entered and exited the house with some last-minute items. Thank you, fucking neighbors! I appreciate your concern for those of us bastards who are not vacationing, but instead slaving away at a job we HATE today. But I digress.

Imagine my TOTAL SURPRISE when I let the Diarrhetic Wunderkind's ass out to piss this morning, only to see with MY OWN SUCKY EYES that the Agoraphobeses trailer had actually left the damn driveway (and the side yard!). All I can figure is that Carol rushed Lee's only semi-coherent partially-awakened ass out the door and into the truck before he fully realized what was happening to him. BEFORE HE COULD FUCKING FULLY FUCKING REALIZE THAT HIS DUMB FAT ASS WAS ACTUALLY LEAVING THE DAMN DRIVEWAY!

What the fuck ever. It worked.

This is not Lee, but some other poor unfortunate motherfucker with extremely BAD taste in camping headwear.